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  1. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll Dark, is it not? Contributor

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    Wondering if this scene captures the visceral nature, and despair. Thoughts?

    Discussion in 'Setting Development' started by Cave Troll, Jun 18, 2017 at 8:27 PM.

    This is part of a horrific part of Marckus's ordeal being captured.
    This being a third part since being taken prisoner. And I am wondering
    based on this bit of it, if it really compounds the terror and despairing
    nature of what is going on.
    Does it evoke the sense of hopelessness, in feeling unable to do anything
    to prevent the horrific events?
    And is it too grim and graphic, making it hard to read to the nature of the
    content?
    Any other thoughts and suggestion are welcome as well.
    Thanks much. :supersmile:(Warning grotesque imagery)


    Marckus:



    My eyes burning from the bite of bitter tears of grief, regret, and sorrow. Having given up struggling in the steel grip holding me steadfast. The Martian Colonial hangs limp , and her body glistening exposed muscles and tendons that are now bare to the air. Her eyes rolled back in her skull, and her breath is ragged. She is not going to last more than another hour, past the three that she had already endured. Bloody snot bubbles from her nostrils, and what little blood that is still wet drips off her skinless head on the concrete floor.

    My jaw aches, from clenching it tightly, as the evil machine has started on the Centurian in the middle of the three. Shaking my head in despair, as she roars nastily at the droid starting the process that it had with the first. Snapping at its metal body like a carnivore fending off another in a desperate attempt. It is no use. Shouting insults and threats at the machine, as her deep bronze scaled leg is peeled like a fruit with a tough hide. Her dark red blood begins seeping in similar fashion as the first had. Crimson rivulets traveling down her thigh, where they will fork at her genitalia, before running lazily down her back and chest. She tries in vain to whip the offending droid with her tail, though this too is a fruitless endeavor. Some how it makes it all the worse to see such a powerful soldier try in vain to fight when they have already lost the battle.

    The Uldivarion is sobbing heavily. Milky green tears staining her dark blue flesh, as they traverse her forehead before dripping off the middle of her smooth cranium. The man beneath my hell dog wants nothing more than to protect them, get them out of here. The demon inside wants to unleash the growing fire in its vile cruel heart, and save this little disgusting creature of a Grey for last.

    Witnessing the nightmare unfold before my eyes, I can feel the razor wire tightening on my insides. I doubt the General would stop this malicious and raw display of extreme cruelty being exacted on the women. No matter if I were to beg for it to stop, as they are not me. It is me you want, you demented cunt! Leave them alone! I shout over and over in my mind. These thoughts bouncing around in my skull, as I watch the female reptilian trying not to show any fear or the screaming in her burning flesh being exposed. Her gaze is hard, and her face a mask of a warrior defiant till the end.
     
  2. TyrannusRex

    TyrannusRex Active Member

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    :supershock::bigeek::ohno:
    Well damn.
    Yeah, I myself would have to say that's pretty well-written. Certainly visceral.
    Been a while since I encountered a good vivisection...:confuzled::dead:
     
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  3. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll Dark, is it not? Contributor

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    Thanks. I had put off really getting it down to the flesh so to speak.
    It is just a bit difficult to depict a flaying without feeling a bit of
    apprehension to really let the rawness come out without being
    too gratuitous to the situation.
     
  4. jannert

    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    Well, a lot will depend on your overall style of the piece*, but yes, I think this works. Why? Because you're not just describing what's happening, you're giving it via your POV character's reaction. That's what makes it work. If you just told us 'the droid did this, the droid did that, the victim screamed, blood flowed ...next...' it wouldn't have the same impact as the POV character trapped and unable to influence events at all. He carries implied guilt for what the others are enduring as well? Or at least that's what I'm picking up from this snippet. Even better. I think this is an effective bit of writing, although it's out of context for us at the moment.

    *If all of your chapters feature blood, gore and guts, this slow torture scene will not be as effective as if this is an unusual thing to happen to your characters.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2017 at 9:03 AM
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  5. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll Dark, is it not? Contributor

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    No, and no to chapters.
    This starts 97 document (.doc) pages in (Or 54-55K in). Which is in contrast to the other two
    MCs, who are in a 'down' period at the moment. It wouldn't make sense to have something going on every inch of the
    way. Just have to make things a bit more intense, than the first book that leads up to something bigger going on in this
    one. Actually a fair amount building up to all of this, with some political dialogue and other things. Though it is an
    overall grim story in a war theme/setting. Trying to make as evenly mild and intense as possible. Though I won't know
    until after getting finished and beta read to know for sure. Just trying my best to spread everything around, while keeping
    the story going.

    Overall I needed to show this character in a contrast to the first, cause they came off a bit OP.
    Though he is trying topple his old faction, as he unwittingly helped build it up into the ugly
    monster it has become at this point. There is a bit of an explanation on my blog in my sig
    of backstory behind how the story got started in the first place. And it pretty much started
    because of this character.
     
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  6. Myrrdoch

    Myrrdoch Contributing Member

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    Nice. Well done. Needs a little editing, but very effective work.
     
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