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  1. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    words about a state of emotional uncertainty

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by alpacinoutd, Jan 19, 2021.

    Hello.

    I'm trying to describe a situation when a person experiences many different emotions that don't last long.

    This is what I have:


    She was wracked by uncertainty. She wasn't even sure about her feelings anymore. At the mention of her son's name, she was swept with elation, but it faded as soon as it came. She would think about her husband, would be flooded with anger but it would pass quickly. She had never felt so ambivalent about life and about her own innermost feelings though she could be certain about one thing: this type of emotional volatility was unfamiliar to her.



    Do you have suggestions?
     
  2. BlitzGirl

    BlitzGirl Contributor Contributor

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    Personally, I think you described the wave of emotions this woman is going through pretty well, but that's just my unprofessional opinion. :)
     
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  3. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Thanks. How would you use "wave of emotions" in there? It's a new collocation for me but it's nice. What about "waves of emotions"?
     
  4. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Those two sentences mean the same thing.

    That one is close to identical as well.

    Stop repeating yourself. Make your point and move on.
     
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  5. Seven Crowns

    Seven Crowns Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor Contest Winner 2022

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    I like the paragraph’s sentiment, and I like the long closing line too. (Its structure is logical, winding to a final point.) I’d say that the number one thing you need is to give concrete examples, and then let the reader decide what they mean. If they see something different than what you intended, so what? At least they had an emotional response. When you write your lines in generalities, it’s just repetition (as said above), but if you give examples then they’ll drive home your point with more power.

    Try not to even say “feelings.” Try to even avoid “felt.” I mean, start with them so that you have some lines to work with, like you’ve done here, but then try to write through them.

    I edited your paragraph to this:

    At the mention of her son's name, solace swept over her in a warm wave and she submersed herself within memories, but the day went on, inexorably, and her elation receded and she was alone. Like always. In the living room, she pushed the vacuum on squeaking castors. Debris hissed and tumbled into the bag. The air smelled of dust, singed rubber. She thought of her husband, furtively texting and then disappearing on “an errand.” That’s what he always called it. It would be hours before he returned. Another woman would be angry, and perhaps she was too, for a moment. That moment passed quickly. She’d never felt so disused.​

    I guess I lost that long last line that I liked. Oh well. . . Here was my process: (this may take a few attempts for a successful post.)

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2021
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  6. B.E. Nugent

    B.E. Nugent Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023

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    I think you need to remove "would" , used three times in quick succession. Would? If what? Take it out and your passage may be more immediate. Oscillate is a word I like in this context.
     
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  7. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    I like it a lot. Thanks. :superagree:
     
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  8. The Multiverse

    The Multiverse Member

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    I've never know a woman to quickly get over any emotion. One emotion can overpower another, but females are perpetually filtering the world through emotions. They never turn off.
     
  9. Lifeline

    Lifeline South. Supporter Contributor

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    Moderator here: Let's not get into a general discussion about gender.
     
  10. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    This goes to what we were saying in the show don't tell thread... this is just one long tell (and a repetitious one at that)... don't tell us that shes uncertain and emotionally volatile. Show her acting in a way that's uncertain or emotionally volatile... either in interaction with other people, or in her own head

    Sue's face flushed, jack that bastard, what was he doing with that floozie when he should be here. She shook her head, what happened to for better or worse huh? She slumped back into the sofa as tears prickled her eyes, what was the point? He was never coming back
     
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  11. Naomasa298

    Naomasa298 HP: 10/190 Status: Confused Contributor

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    @alpacinoutd

    We've now had this discussion over multiple threads.

    I think you need to go back to basics and start again.

    Tell us what you understand by "show, don't tell", because I don't think you really understand what it means. Once we clear that up, it will help you put it into practise.
     
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  12. Murkie

    Murkie Active Member

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    I get what you're intending with these sentences, but it feels too much like repetition. Personally, I'd go for something like 'The elation she felt at the mention of her son's name was offset by the anger of the thought of her husband. Both as intense and fleeting.'
     
  13. Bruce Johnson

    Bruce Johnson Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023

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    Your points are all valid, but I think the 'Show me, don't tell me' thread was started a few weeks after this one and not before.
     
  14. Naomasa298

    Naomasa298 HP: 10/190 Status: Confused Contributor

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    This particular discussion has not just been confined to these two threads.
     
  15. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    lets not hijack this thread into a discussion of what has or hasn't been discussed chaps...pile ons aren't helpful. Either help the OP or don't reply, leave the process stuff to us
     
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  16. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Yes. The thread is from two weeks ago. I'm trying to get a better grasp on this showy, telly concept now.
     
  17. Naomasa298

    Naomasa298 HP: 10/190 Status: Confused Contributor

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    Which is why I think you need to tell us what you understand "showing" to mean, so we can clear up any misunderstandings about it and guide you properly.

    Otherwise, we can give you example after example, but if we're not explaining them properly, they won't help.
     
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  18. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    This is also why I tried to get you ( @alpacinoutd ) to write up some showing stuff yourself. When trying to learn a language, it's necessary to try to speak it, even if it's difficult and awkward at first. You teach English as a second language, I'm sure you get your students to speak in English pretty quickly, right? Surely you don't just say things to them in English and never make them try it. You must try to speak the language of showingness! :supergrin:
     
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  19. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Yes. I'm practicing being showy these days.

    @Naomasa298

    I think telling is about simply informing the reader about what is going on like a report and showing is about using senses to show what the characters experience, see, smell, hear, react,...so the reader gets to experience along with the characters.

    Telling: There was bad carton of milk in the fridge.

    Showing: Jack opened the carton of milk to see a sickly pale yellow liquid inside it. He sniffed it, his face crumpling in disgust as an acrid smell filled his nostrils. He instinctively threw the carton up in the air, seeing in slow motion how it crashed to the floor, staining the red carpet with a thick yellow liquid that looked like mucus.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2021
  20. Naomasa298

    Naomasa298 HP: 10/190 Status: Confused Contributor

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    Good, but you are trying too hard and it's leading to overwriting, as moose mentioned earlier. There's fluff you can cut out of this without detracting from what you are saying:

    Jack opened the carton of milk to see a sickly pale yellow liquid inside it. He sniffed it, his face crumpling in disgust as an acrid smell filled his nostrils. He instinctively threw the carton up in the air, seeing in slow motion how it crashed to the floor, staining the red carpet with a thick yellow liquid that looked like mucus.

    You have a tendency to repeat yourself. You've already told us the milk is a sickly pale yellow. You don't need to describe it again when it spills.

    However - let's try to apply this to character reactions and motivations. In this particular instance, it's perfectly fine to say there's a carton of bad milk - that's something that an outside observer can tell if they see the milk. Where telling would come in here is if you wrote:
    Jack was disgusted by the carton of bad milk.

    That's where the showing comes in, which is what you wrote above. It's not the fact that the milk is bad that is telling, it's how you convey Jack's reaction to it.

    Think about how you would show the fact that your character wants to sleep with the pretty girl. How can you write that? If I was sat in the car with him, what would I see him do that would make me conclude that he wanted to sleep with her?
     
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  21. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    John kept fidgeting in the driver's seat. He kept looking at himself in the mirror, checking out his teeth. Nicole's shift would be over soon. He looked at his T-shirt and saw big sweat stains under his arms. "Oh no," he yelled in the car, grabbing his bottle of cologne from the glove compartment and drenching himself in Dior Sauvage. He felt his heart flutter as he caught a glimpse of Nicole on the other side of the street. His face lit up like a puppy given its favorite treat. He slid out of the car and opened the door for Nicole. He wanted to kiss her on the lips, but she offered her cheek.

    "So, how was your day Nicole? I bet you are tired and hungry. I know this dope bar near my place. Let's go get hammered," he said looking at Nicole's breasts as she checked her phone.

    "Actually, do you mind dropping me off at my new boyfriend's place?", she said her eyes still focused on her iPhone.
     
  22. Lifeline

    Lifeline South. Supporter Contributor

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    I believe the original question has been answered. @alpacinoutd , if you require help with specific passages, write them and put them into the workshop where you can get proper critique. I'm closing this thread.

    :closed:
     
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