1. cherrya

    cherrya Active Member

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    Turning this sentence into something less cliché...

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by cherrya, Aug 10, 2017.

    Hi...

    Well, here's the thing. There is this character that's like a father figure to the main but he's not that important overall, I just want to show how much he likes him and also show off my main's 'magnetic personality' and well I tried to think of a sentence and it's... just... terrible....... :

    Thomas,” he would call to him, picking him up from the ground to make him fly under his arm, he would say: “You will break hearts, and they will thank you for it.

    I just want something that means, well, that, but in a less romantic undertone? All I mean is that people are always going to love him no matter what he does because he's 'one of those people'. I just want to show off his charisma a bit, but I can't think of the right sentence to go with here, and I really want to keep the scene as it is.

    Any help? I would be so grateful, I can't go on like this.............

    btw english isn't my first language sorry!
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2017
  2. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Sorry, but did you mean "magnetic" personality? A magnifying personality but make things, well, bigger? :D

    Either way, I wouldn't sweat it too much. It's just one line and a character isn't going to be defined by what another character says about him, presumably years before he's old enough for charisma to be a thing. And honestly, if you don't show the character being charismatic, it won't matter what the rest of the characters say about him. Actually, the more I think about it, the line itself isn't as cliche as having an older father figure hit if off a tee at the reader for no good reason.

    Definitely not worth worrying about now, though. Just keep writing.
     
  3. cherrya

    cherrya Active Member

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    Oh man you are right, this is so embarrassing!

    I'm sorry my english isn't perfect and I didn't get that sentence but do you mean that having a father figure say those things to him is more cliché than the line itself? Just trying to understand!

    I mean he's not that young, he's 12 and already people are drawn to him. It's a big part of who he is, that's why I'm planning on using it in the first chapter in one single line and be done with it. Not planning to remind the reader at every opportunity, haha!

    But thanks for taking the time to reply! :)
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2017
  4. Laurin Kelly

    Laurin Kelly Contributor Contributor

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    I actually like the line as is! But if you're really set on removing the romanticism, maybe

    "You will hold sway over all, and they will thank you for it."

    or

    "They will fall to their knees before you, and they will thank you for it."
     
  5. cherrya

    cherrya Active Member

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    Ahhh, I like that!! Thank you!
     
    Laurin Kelly likes this.

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