1. Malisky

    Malisky Malkatorean Contributor

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    A Dialogue – Difference between people (1218)

    Discussion in 'Dialogue Development' started by Malisky, Oct 4, 2016.

    Raw and unedited, to your hearts content. ;)
    This is experimental. It is a weird piece, I think. Maybe not. You tell me. Open for any kind of discussion. Btw, a word I use is not existent. I already know that. I have no clue why I don't want to write it right though.


    A Dialogue – Difference between people

    Ash unlocked the front door and guided, a foot at a time, herself towards the kitchen. She had just returned from the park, after smoking a joint half-ways and she was as hungry as a wolf. The only thing she found was a leg of grilled chicken in the oven. She opened the cupboard and grabbed a plate, but soon she realized that the plate was dirty. It also had a crack on it. She placed it in the sink and went to grab another plate, which she did, just soon to realize again that the plate was as dirty as the first one... and also cracked. She placed it in the sink again, on top of the other plate. She went to grab another plate. She held it towards the light. Yep. Same ol’ dirty and cracked. What the hell?

    She took all of the plates out of the cupboard and spread them over the abnormally big, kitchen table. As she was examining the plates in detail, trying to figure this riddle out, she came to a realization that was to change her way of viewing life forever. She placed extra carefully this time, one plate over the other and then in the sink and she started washing them. When the task was done, she dried a plate with the towel and used it to put her food in. She sat at the table and while holding the chicken leg with both her hands, she took a big, primitive bite out of it. Her appetite demanded no knives and forks tonight. It was all about the pleasure after this unpleasant, empty day. She finished eating and after she threw the bones in the bin, she washed her plate gently and placed it with the other plates that were drying up, like free civilians in the wild.

    Then Rye entered the kitchen. He had just returned from hell-today. It had been a very stressful day for him at the office, but he had made it unharmed. He would still have a job tomorrow. He was sure of it.

    Rye was a different specie than the rest in the house. He never participated in the sharing-of-the-kitchen-material truce. Instead, he chose to order delivery every single day. In numbers, that made him the one twelfth of the house. In the eyes of the majority of the others, this made him simply a dick. But Ash didn’t really thought of him badly. She was consisted of a fluid heart that reacted upon stimuli with the artistry of improvisation and some sort of raw but also quiet impulsiveness. The kid was ok. Just a bit troubled, that’s all.

    Rye spread the delivery flyers on the table, contemplating upon what to eat today. His deep concentration broke the instant Ash chose to break the silence in the kitchen with her voice.

    “Hey, Rye. I just figured something about something.”

    “Hm. Really? What is it?” he asked as he focused once again on the flyers.

    “After noticing our plates a while ago, I came to the conclusion that some people in this house tend to wash them very lightly, while others very roughly.”

    “Really? Is that so?”

    Rye wasn’t really paying attention to her though. He started talking to the person on the line, who took his order. Ash, patiently waited. When Rye was done, she continued.

    “Do you know what that means?”

    “What what means?”

    “Come on man! I just told you! After noticing our plates some time ago, I realized something important. That...”

    “Oh, who cares about the plates!”

    “It’s not about the plates, man. Focus! It’s about what I realized about us.”

    “What nonsense are you talking about again? Every time you get stoned you think you reach the secrets of the universe and try to push it in our minds by force. Please, for the love of god, spare me the nonsense for once!”

    Ash stared at him flabbergasted. She didn’t seem flabbergasted in the exterior, nor did she turn so, for the reasons you might presume. Her gaze was by her own fail to notice, utterly apathetic. The reason of her internal flabbergustion was the immediacy of the indication of proof of realization she had got by this response. How come she had such a power that she failed to notice all this time? Which was her power? She could clearly predict how would a person react upon any situation, as long as she knew that person well. She could predict the pacing of a dialogue, what the person would say, with the exact words in the exact order and in which way. She could see what was happening in the mind of the other person and nail the outcomes of the reactions that the brain chemicals produced. This was kind of cool. All she had to do now, for a better living was to learn how to read hers. That would transmute her power into something more useful because that way, not only would she be able to predict an outcome, but also manipulate it towards the sake of herself... and humanities of course.

    Ash started contemplating upon the possibilities of her answer to Rye. A couple of seconds had passed since Rye’s emotional outburst. Our girl’s mind worked faster than a quantum machine when it came to odds, without sweating an ear. In the end she chose her words. The mannerism had to be an over-the-top mad-but-serious, with a hint of screaming.

    “One thing I hate most, is the people who offer to help and make things harder instead of easier. I prefer, a thousand times, a person that when asked to help with the dishes, answers, no, I won’t, than reply, of course I will, and then wash them casually, placing them back to their place still dirty. I know that yesterday, when you offered to wash the dishes, you noticed the stains you left on them, whatsoever you indifferently chose to place them back in the cupboard. From now on, do us a favor and stop doing us favors upon the house chores. You do not care about making things right. You only care about covering your ass. By covering your ass though, you make the chore double the time-waste for the person that actually wishes to keep things clean, because aside from washing them, that person has to pick them out too. Now, I know that your IQ is just a few steps behind mine, so I know that you know what that means without spelling it out for you, but I’ll spell it out anyways, out of pure need to express it loudly. You are not fooling anyone! Only your pitiful self.”

    Ash, went out of the kitchen and banged the door behind her. As she headed towards her room, she thought about which way her choice of reaction would influence Rye. It was the only of the possibilities that like a well, sealed box, she couldn’t predict the outcome of. All the others she had come up with, were doomed for a failure of change into someone’s mind. As she entered her room, she shut her door behind her and came to a different realization. She was the person that cracked the dishes.
     
  2. izzybot

    izzybot (unspecified) Contributor

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    Some word order and comma edits. A lot of those little things jumped out at me - nothing major, just needs a bit of going over.

    I'd mix it up a little so all three of these sentences in a row don't start the same way - "She [verb]".

    No need for that comma.

    I'm not getting the dash. "He had just returned from hell" or "He had just returned from hell today" would make sense, but not "hell-today".

    Species?

    Minor tense confusion.

    Another unneeded comma.

    I love flabbergustion ;) Though I did find 'flabbergastation' if you like that instead - similar feel. Unfortunately though, these two sentences don't make a lot of sense to me. It seems like there's a missing word or the wrong form of a word or something in the first sentence, and so many clauses (largely starting with the same word, 'of') in the second that I completely lose the meaning by the time I reach the end. I'd recommend finding some way to simplify.

    Which indeed? I don't understand this sentence.

    Word order.

    Since there's been no real narrator before this point and it's been largely in Ash's head, 'our girl' kind of threw me. But I think it fits with the overall style quite well - maybe more narrator interjections would be something to consider editing in.

    Unneeded comma.

    Dash instead of comma, there.

    Overall, while I like the idea of it, there were a lot of those little details that kept pulling me out. Some line editing would do it a world of good. Ignoring that, I think the ending comes just a bit too soon - the final realization is rather abrupt. A moment more for Ash to think she's in the right and/or the thought process that leads her to realizing she's not might do the trick.
     
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  3. Malisky

    Malisky Malkatorean Contributor

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    Thank you @izzybot !
    I'm tempted in editing my writing in order to correct it, but I really shouldn't. At least not yet. I want to keep it as raw as possible for the time being.
    This is a random piece that had no pre-planning upon the result. The story just ended itself. It is a slice-of-life moment. I just wonder how others perceive it, or if such an ordinary interaction can be expressed in a manner that can engage a readers imagination. What meaning would one chose to find in this short, or even if there is any.

    Oh! And I meant to say "Helltoday". Playing with the concept of it being a place.

    Thank you again! You made me happy for replying so soon. :)
     
  4. Iain Sparrow

    Iain Sparrow Banned Contributor

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    In the opening sentence I would delete 'herself', it's not needed.
    Also, this part "... she came to a realization that was to change her way of viewing life forever"... because you had already used 'realized' and 'realize' in the previous paragraph, 'realization' sticks out in a bad way. Plus, it's less a realization and more a revelation... perhaps tinker with the sentence so she has a revelation. It would give the moment more impact, in my opinion.
    Izzy caught the other stuff.
    Otherwise pretty good flow and fun to read!
     
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  5. Shadowfax

    Shadowfax Contributor Contributor

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    I agree with most of what @izzybot says, except for hell-today; I actually like the creation of this portmanteau word, and I think it needs the hyphen. I think we've all had days that we could describe with this word!

    My issues with this piece are:

    1/ The first two paragraphs are tedious detail, all telling with nothing relevant or interesting happening; who cares how many cracked and dirty plates there are? Maybe I'm not getting this because I've never got stoned enough? But it does sound like the sort of tosh that two drunks might argue about and consider deep.

    2/ This seems to be almost a plea from the heart of the author for some more consideration from her house-mates; less of a slice-of-life short story than an open letter. Problem is, they've got to plough through a lot of jumbled characterization before they get to the message.

    3/ Maybe it's me, but I found it hard to distinguish between the two characters. I know one's Ash, and one's Rye. One's male and one's female. One's impulsive and stoned - and pissed (not exactly "a fluid heart" - which sounds like a medical condition!) - and one's just back from the office. But it's only with close reading that I was able to put those characteristics together in the right order.
     
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  6. Malisky

    Malisky Malkatorean Contributor

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    Iain Sparrow, thank you for your insight. :)

    Good points. Yes. Kind of a lot "realization" taking place. Revelation is the most fitting word, indeed. Glad you found it fun to read.
     
  7. Malisky

    Malisky Malkatorean Contributor

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    Thank you @Shadowfax for your insight as well. :)

    Actually, your reply is most interesting as what I am seeking upon this short is opinions about how illogical or logical this slice-of-life might seem to a person if he/she were to experience it from the POV of a specific stoned person. (Not exactly drunkards, and only one person is high, but oh, well. Details).

    I tried to stick the narrative as close to what was going on in Ash's mind and focus.
    That's why the only person interested in this, is Ash. Actually, she is so interested, that she chose to put her immense hunger aside in order to take care of them first.

    So, you got stoned at some point... ;) Do not be offended. I'm only kidding you.

    Interesting perception, but I don't know what to make of this. Would you care to explain further? I took the "slice-of-life etymology out of a category of manga. I'm not sure if it applies in my piece, but I found it relevant upon my story's context. What is an open letter and which is the difference between it and a slice-of-life short? In any case, this story never happened, but indeed, it is influenced upon real-life, everyday experiences and my observations upon them. The author just chose to put them under the magnifying glass and see where that leads. Furthermore, in no case would she have imagined that this would come out as any kind of plea for consideration. (Consideration upon what)? That's why I find this an interesting POV and would like to discuss it more.

    Oh. She is not really pissed. I guess I failed to explain this clearly. I will try to fix this issue with my re-edit. Why was it hard to distinguish between these two characters?

    I hope you are up for a conversation, because this really interests me. This is not a challenge (in case I sound aggressive with all my over-analyses upon your reply). Only a friendly request. :)

    PS: I'm glad you liked this:
    Good to learn that this is called a hyphen. I'm not sure how to use hyphens correctly, but I find them one of the English language's delights. Playful, little things!
     
  8. Shadowfax

    Shadowfax Contributor Contributor

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    You typically get an open letter in, e.g. a newspaper, where somebody writes a heartfelt plea to somebody else to do something. I can imagine an open letter to Putin, asking him to consider the plight of the Syrian refugees before unleashing another wave of bombing.

    Here, it comes across as you, the author, putting the words of your complaint against your housemates into the mouth of a character in a story.

    As to the difference between this and a slice-of-life? I don't know how I'd define it; but the difference between a slice-of-life and a story? The s-o-l just happens, the story has a plot; a beginning, middle and an end, together with a conflict that reaches some sort of conclusion. The story's going to leave me with a rather more satisfied feeling than the s-o-l because of this resolution, whereas the s-o-l leaves everything as unresolved as before. OK, life is like that; but Hollywood does better when art doesn't imitate life too closely!

    [/QUOTE]


    Oh. She is not really pissed.
    [/QUOTE]
    My daughter will come home and unload about people she works with who don't behave in a professional manner. Your character sounds way more pissed than that, and over something (the cleanliness of plates) rather less life and death.

    [/QUOTE]
    I guess I failed to explain this clearly. I will try to fix this issue with my re-edit. Why was it hard to distinguish between these two characters?[/QUOTE]

    Ash sounds like a guy's name (short for Ashley? - and I had an uncle of that name), and Rye (can't imagine what that's short for) sounds fairly neutral.

    You haven't really developed their characters, other than through Ash's thoughts about how she is...unreliable narrator?

    Their conversation is a lot of bad-tempered mouthing with no perceptible difference between how they speak, despite one being stoned and one stone-cold sober. There's no development of mood, they go from nought to full-on without accelerating at all.

    OK, the preceding was general points. Here's a specific:

    Rye wasn’t really paying attention to her though. He started talking to the person on the line, who took his order. Ash, patiently waited. When Rye was done, she continued.

    The pronoun in the last sentence, logically, refers to Rye. And because this whole paragraph shifts from Rye to Ash and back again, the reader has to concentrate to know who is who.

    Rye wasn't really paying attention to her, though. He started talking on the 'phone, seemingly oblivious to her.

    She waited for him to finish his call before continuing. “Do you know what that means?”


    Here you've got one paragraph ALL about Rye, and the next one ALL about Ash.

    [/QUOTE]

    I hope you are up for a conversation, because this really interests me. This is not a challenge (in case I sound aggressive with all my over-analyses upon your reply). Only a friendly request. :)

    PS: I'm glad you liked this:

    Good to learn that this is called a hyphen. I'm not sure how to use hyphens correctly, but I find them one of the English language's delights. Playful, little things![/QUOTE]

    I'm not sure anybody knows how to use a hyphen correctly. But, here, you've invented a word, and you can spell it how you please; to my mind the correct spelling includes the hyphen.
     
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  9. Malisky

    Malisky Malkatorean Contributor

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    I fail to make the connection myself. A heartfelt plea, is translated differently, into my mind at least. That's why I'm asking you, why does it come out like this to you? Where in this story is something interpreted like this. That's what I want to know. Is it some kind of personal experience that somewhat resembles this story that leads you into that conclusion? Is it a simple word? Is it the narration style? Is it the character?

    That's a logical chain of thought that I can understand. Maybe, I should take some of the exclamation marks out of her dialogue to make it more clear that she isn't really pissed. She chose to play the pissed-off card. I hoped that this would work:
    The reason I wrote this paragraph, is because I want to express an instance in a persons reaction, which is not emotionally driven rather speculating. The moment where a person finds herself/himself engaged in an intense conversation, realizes it, observes it from an emotionally detached POV, speculates upon the outcome and finally chooses a plan of action. That's why I hoped that this paragraph would hold the weight of distinction between a really pissed-off person and a person who only acts as if, when in reality is emotionally detached. Without this paragraph, indeed, Ash would be definitely described as pissed.

    I didn't care to analyze both characters in the same depth. This is a story about Ash clearly. More specifically, a day in Ash's mind. Even more specifically, an instance in a day in Ash's mind. Rye is underdeveloped because Ash didn't find him relevant enough. Meaning, upon Rye's arrival, Ash notices him, speedily speculates his routine-driven day and his actions (as he is deciding on what to order) and then tries to initiate a conversation with him. Everything we get about Rye is through Ash's mind. Her last quote held a more in depth description about Rye.

    So, I guess that it is a good thing that you perceived it that way. Maybe not your cup of tea, but I feel that I succeeded my purpose. Though, I have to ask. Why unreliable?

    Well, in all fairness, I didn't give Rye many interesting lines (to show his character) except one, so I see your point.

    The acceleration (if I play with your concept right) happens after a static moment (Ash patiently waits for Rye to finish with his thing) when Ash loses her patience towards Rye's ignorance. Then some more acceleration from Rye's response and then break (the moment of realization/Ash's detachment).

    I find this paragraph pretty simple and easy to grasp. I believe in my readers overall mental capabilities. Otherwise, they wouldn't bother reading. :p Your version works too though. I simply prefer mine.

    I really didn't delve upon the names so much, because this was somewhat of a speed writing. I just wanted them to be short and that's the first two names that popped in mind. I didn't think that they might cause confusion. (I thought Ash was a female name. As for Rye... I made that up on the spot)... I'll change the names.

    A s-o-l is a story category. I found it in manga categories. I'm not sure if this story qualifies as s-o-l as it is a rather short piece (and somewhat experimental), but I found it fitting as a description etymologically.
     
  10. vermissage

    vermissage Member

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    You have a flair for expression.
    Would you be so good to explain this simile because I can't make heads or tails of it.
    What the hell happened here? I'm assuming these are typos and you'll fix them in your sleep. Again your flair for expression is on fine display here--despite the typos.
    LOL, ditto
    ditto
    I had a blast reading this. The ending was underwhelming, but the story is about Ash's internal musings so there was no way it was going to end with a bang which is what we're all conditioned to expect, want, and demand. Thanks for liberating me from Dr. Pavlov.
     
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  11. A man called Valance

    A man called Valance Senior Member

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    Hello Malisky. Raw and unedited; experimental; weird: maybe not, you said. I feared a battle of concentration. Well, you didn’t let me down. I’ll just give you my thoughts as I read.


    Ash unlocked the front door and guided, a foot at a time, herself towards the kitchen. She had just returned from the park, after smoking a joint half-ways and she was as hungry as a wolf. The only thing she found was a leg of grilled chicken in the oven. She opened the cupboard and grabbed a plate, but soon she realized that the plate was dirty. It also had a crack on it. She placed it in the sink and went to grab another plate, which she did, just soon to realize again that the plate was as dirty as the first one... and also cracked. She placed it in the sink again, on top of the other plate. She went to grab another plate. She held it towards the light. Yep. Same ol’ dirty and cracked. What the hell?


    Okay, so I’m reading slow and cautiously, because I don’t want to miss something. Is this as mundane as it appears, or is something deep and mysterious going on that I can’t see? I don’t know.


    She took all of the plates out of the cupboard and spread them over the abnormally big, kitchen table. As she was examining the plates in detail, trying to figure this riddle out she came to a realization that was to change her way of viewing life forever.


    Good, that’s a hook.


    She placed extra carefully this time, one plate over the other and then in the sink and she started washing them. When the task was done, she dried a plate with the towel and used it to put her food in. She sat at the table and while holding the chicken leg with both her hands, she took a big, primitive bite out of it. Her appetite demanded no knives and forks tonight.


    I like that.


    It was all about the pleasure after this unpleasant, empty day. She finished eating and after she threw the bones in the bin, she washed her plate gently and placed it with the other plates that were drying up, like free civilians in the wild.


    ‘Like civilians in the wild’ fell flat.

    Then Rye entered the kitchen. He had just returned from hell-today. It had been a very stressful day for him at the office, but he had made it unharmed. He would still have a job tomorrow. He was sure of it.

    Rye was a different specie than the rest in the house. He never participated in the sharing-of-the-kitchen-material truce. Instead, he chose to order delivery every single day. In numbers, that made him the one twelfth of the house. In the eyes of the majority of the others, this made him simply a dick.


    I like that too. Made me smile. Straight forward, babble-free.


    But Ash didn’t really thought of him badly. She was consisted of a fluid heart that reacted upon stimuli with the artistry of improvisation and some sort of raw but also quiet impulsiveness.


    Okay, she was kind hearted…


    The kid was ok. Just a bit troubled, that’s all.


    …and sympathetic to him.

    Rye spread the delivery flyers on the table, contemplating upon what to eat today. His deep concentration broke the instant Ash chose to break the silence in the kitchen with her voice.


    When you come to edit, you’ll notice it’s a little overwritten here and there.

    “Hey, Rye. I just figured something about something.”

    “Hm. Really? What is it?” he asked as he focused once again on the flyers.

    “After noticing our plates a while ago, I came to the conclusion that some people in this house tend to wash them very lightly, while others very roughly.”

    “Really? Is that so?”

    Rye wasn’t really paying attention to her though. He started talking to the person on the line, who took his order. Ash, patiently waited. When Rye was done, she continued.

    “Do you know what that means?”

    “What what means?”

    “Come on man! I just told you! After noticing our plates some time ago, I realized something important. That...”

    “Oh, who cares about the plates!”

    “It’s not about the plates, man. Focus! It’s about what I realized about us.”


    There’s an awful lot of realizing going on.

    “What nonsense are you talking about again? Every time you get stoned you think you reach the secrets of the universe and try to push it in our minds by force. Please, for the love of god, spare me the nonsense for once!”


    It’s hard not to have some sympathy for him.

    Ash stared at him flabbergasted. She didn’t seem flabbergasted in the exterior, nor did she turn so, for the reasons you might presume. Her gaze was by her own fail to notice, utterly apathetic. The reason of her internal flabbergustion was the immediacy of the indication of proof of realization she had got by this response. How come she had such a power that she failed to notice all this time? Which was her power? She could clearly predict how would a person react upon any situation, as long as she knew that person well. She could predict the pacing of a dialogue, what the person would say, with the exact words in the exact order and in which way. She could see what was happening in the mind of the other person and nail the outcomes of the reactions that the brain chemicals produced.


    It comes from 2000 years of evolution. Most people call it women’s intuition.


    This was kind of cool. All she had to do now, for a better living was to learn how to read hers. That would transmute her power into something more useful because that way, not only would she be able to predict an outcome, but also manipulate it towards the sake of herself... and humanities of course.


    Ash is quite Malisky-like, isn’t she?

    Ash started contemplating upon the possibilities of her answer to Rye. A couple of seconds had passed since Rye’s emotional outburst. Our girl’s mind worked faster than a quantum machine when it came to odds, without sweating an ear. In the end she chose her words. The mannerism had to be an over-the-top mad-but-serious, with a hint of screaming.

    “One thing I hate most, is the people who offer to help and make things harder instead of easier. I prefer, a thousand times, a person that when asked to help with the dishes, answers, no, I won’t, than reply, of course I will, and then wash them casually, placing them back to their place still dirty. I know that yesterday, when you offered to wash the dishes, you noticed the stains you left on them, whatsoever you indifferently chose to place them back in the cupboard. From now on, do us a favor and stop doing us favors upon the house chores. You do not care about making things right. You only care about covering your ass. By covering your ass though, you make the chore double the time-waste for the person that actually wishes to keep things clean, because aside from washing them, that person has to pick them out too. Now, I know that your IQ is just a few steps behind mine, so I know that you know what that means without spelling it out for you, but I’ll spell it out anyways, out of pure need to express it loudly. You are not fooling anyone! Only your pitiful self.”


    Point made, with interest. Poor Rye. An older man would have seen the danger signs and kept his mouth shut, rather than open the door to that level of scorn.

    Ash, went out of the kitchen and banged the door behind her. As she headed towards her room, she thought about which way her choice of reaction would influence Rye. It was the only of the possibilities that like a well, sealed box, she couldn’t predict the outcome of. All the others she had come up with, were doomed for a failure of change into someone’s mind. As she entered her room, she shut her door behind her and came to a different realization. She was the person that cracked the dishes.


    A slice of life and no more? I don’t see how the realization of the realizations changed her life forever, and I don’t think I’ve missed anything, but with you, I never know.


    Either way, I hope that helps.
     
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  12. Malisky

    Malisky Malkatorean Contributor

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    @vermissage, thank you for your time and insight.

    I do. I think that's one of the reasons I like to write, be it nonsensical or not. In this piece I'm trying to express the rawness of one's thought. I try not to filter it at all (which is a paradox, because thoughts and concepts are formed after a great deal of chain thinking that happens so fast and subconsciously, that the links break on the way to one conclusion and the meaning get's lost in translation. We tend to get the final product, the conclusion of our thinking upon anything as random as it may seem.) and that's why some of the expressions are out of place or are hard to follow. I do not explain all of them, so they remain disconnected (broken links) at some points in the story. I don't do this on purpose though. Links did get broken on the way, even though I tried to remain as focused as possible in this one. This is free writing. I wrote it pretty fast without looking back. What I'm researching with this, is how my raw thinking upon a story gets translated through someone else's mind. I know what I was thinking when I wrote this. Many different things. What interests me, is what you are thinking and where you are focusing. And you told me, so thanks! :D

    That's a good example of a broken link. I'm not sure why it looked like a good idea at the time, but I saw this concept so clear as I was writing this, so I found it relevant enough to place it in. As I look back on this, I think that what I was thinking at the time was a side story of the plates, if they ever got animated. So did Ash. It was a raw conclusion upon an abstract concept that played in her mind very fast and utterly nonsensical. Not all of our thoughts are useful. Creative, yes. Useful upon a context, no. But if she were to focus upon this random concept (the plates as civilians) and she were to make an animation out of it, then this thought would become the base of a communicative, final product. (This would be the animation). It would only be useful then.

    That some people wash the plates lightly while others roughly. (I didn't know what ditto means and had to look it up. You mean that you see Rye's point, right)?

    I thank you too. I'm always very happy to hear that somebody had a blast by reading something I wrote. :) I'm glad you found a meaning in this and it wasn't just a time-waster.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2016
  13. Malisky

    Malisky Malkatorean Contributor

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    @A man called Valance thank you for your time and focus and insight as well.

    It is mundane. It's repetitious, boring actions. It's that rhythm of actions that got Ash into a weird trance and made her stop to notice them (the repetition of her actions). She felt them kind of ridiculous. That's why she ended up forgetting about her hunger and instead, chose to inspect the plates. But as mundane as this is, it stands as the root of her realization and the continuation of this short scenario.

    ;)

    I find that there is some kind of weird beauty in eating in a manner that reflects your hunger. When I go to the supermarket and see the glass-fridges that are overfilled with edible goods in extra large portions (no way all of these will make it through the expiration dates) I sometimes fantasize about a siege taking place in there and how that would look. The empty halls would get filled by the disoriented, really-hungry people and the fridges would get attacked in an anarchistic manner. People would fly in all directions, like a swarm of locusts and some individuals would take a huge bite out of anything they would first get a hold of, without giving it a second thought. For example a person that gets dibs on a brand new basket of cheese, would unwrap it with his hands and teeth and would take full bites out of it. This thought makes me happy for a reason. I find it very fulfilling. There's something hedonistic about sinking your teeth into a fat steak, until your gums are pulled upwards.

    Indeed. I explain this on the post above.

    Always fun playing with different perspectives upon a matter.

    Yep. It's a phase were you are observing things from two different POV's simultaneously and it somewhat brings you a mild headache. One POV is your common one, the first person POV. The other is the third person. It's like being an observer upon your observations and chain of thinking. Things turn kind of psychedelic. It's somewhat an inception of thinking. Like looking in a well seeing yourself looking in a well and so on. The abyss staring right back at you.

    I agree, but why?


    lol

    Well... I wrote it so... I guess she is... slightly.

    Indeed, but sometimes you need to crack some eggs to make a cake. (But not bad-intently). Ash told him these stuff, because she was the only one that dared. She was the only one that cared. Rye is a person that struggles with his life, thinking that he can hide the sky by covering it with his palm. On the other hand, Ash has no etiquette at all, because she sees through it. She finds there's nothing real to gain by it. They're only mind games that can be used consciously to achieve something upon an interaction. (But no, I don't state this clearly somewhere in this story. It's just left hanging there. You didn't miss anything).

    That's because I didn't go as far as to write something about the rest of her life. ;)
    But I explain this realization, upon her flabbergustion. She can predict the future of her interactions. The problem lies in the infinite possibilities of her reactions. But what does that mean, really? Can she really predict the future like poor Casandra? Of course not. It's merely an over-exaggerated way to express her double POV way of thinking. As I explained somewhere earlier, being in that state of mind is kind of distressing and comes with a headache. It's an inception of thinking. If you once open that door, it never really closes. It can be contained, but not closed. Your way of analyzing things changes drastically though. Some people do not understand this concept, some think they do and some really do. Non the less, nothing can be strictly proven and that's why I find it so important to experiment upon it, but also kind of mundane. For Ash, it's a life changing realization. Some sort of revelation. To others, it's pretty much unimportant. This comes out vain, I do realize... but it's what it is.

    As you can see, it truly did. ;)
    You influenced my chain of thought well upon this subject.

    Thank you! :)

    Oh! Btw. The last realization is about her character. Although kind, she was the one that because of her meticulousness had the tendency of treating the plates (other people) roughly. (Another link to the plates being paralleled to civilians). That's why upon her first observation of the plates, she chose to treat them extra careful. Because, it's the first time that she focused upon a concept like that. That's what she originally wanted to say to Rye. In the middle, she got distracted upon the conversation and chose to use this observation upon Rye's character to make a point. In the end, when all said and done, she proved the part of her original thought upon herself. She had just cracked Rye. She had to become better at this. She didn't mean harm.
     
  14. A man called Valance

    A man called Valance Senior Member

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    A man called Valance said: It’s hard not to have some sympathy for him.
    Malisky said: I agree, but why?

    Well, the poor fella's just got in from work. He just wants to relax and unwind. The secrets of the universe are the last thing on his mind, but that's what he's getting, whether he likes it or not.

    Anyhow, thanks for explaining a few things, Pard. I don't pretend to understand fully - at one point my eyes were popping like Kaa the snake's - but I'm happy one of us knows where you're going with this, even if it ain't me.
     
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  15. vermissage

    vermissage Member

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    Ditto means Ibid, or same as above. And by ditto, I meant it was very funny. Poetry + humor, that's a winning combination. Sorry it took me so long to reply.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2016
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  16. Nicola

    Nicola Member

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    This breaks the fourth wall, if your an omnipotent narrator, you're impartial and what the hell is a quantum machine!

    Very good twist!

    Not to be condescending but because this extract is a bit of a rant, it kind of goes like this is my mind:

    'You know what I hate the most' she said turning to him, a dripping plate in one hand

    'What' he drawled, still trying to decide between Peking surprise and fried chicken

    'It's when the jerks in this joint say 'oh sure, I'll clean this up' then do a half-assed job'

    He looked at the plate then at her and blinked slowly like a cat 'I, erm, agree' he said cautiously, plate in hand like a discus thrower before they begin their spin

    'I mean only you could wash a plate and it's still dirty'

    He said nothing, he'd been shouted at by his boss, been wedged under the armpit of a man on his commute home-the less he said the sooner she would shut up and let him eat.

    'You just don't care do you, do you?' her voice rose several octaves higher and her eyes widened

    'Of course-'

    'No, all you care about is yourself, everything else in this place just slides away' she began mocking him 'I don't give a shit, someone else will this clean up' She put the plate back on the drainer, she would have thrown it, to shock him, but didn't have the strength 'I know you're not dumb but I'll make it clear for you you DO...NOT...FOOL...ME...MISTER!



    You're describing a very mundane situation, to me it's a junkie noticing that household chores haven't been done and blaming it on the next guy who enters the scene, who is the most likely culprit. Turns out it was her who had stained and cracked the plates, this introduces a disturbing element.
     
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  17. Malisky

    Malisky Malkatorean Contributor

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    Thank you @Nicola for your insight. :)
     
  18. blklizard

    blklizard Member

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    This has been an interesting piece. I have included my nitpicks and opinions below.

    First, I would have preferred to know more on how Ash looked. Going through the entire piece, I just visualized a voice from her but nothing more. Not sure if this was your intention but it is one of those things I would have liked to have. The same can be said about Rye who became another voice in the story that I cannot match to an appearance.

    For your line below,
    I didn't get the sense that his concentration broke. He merely used vague words to pretend like he was listening while he still focused on the flyers. Unless he literally turned his head towards Ash, I doubted his eyes ever left the flyers.

    Your two large paragraphs at the end of the piece don't work well for the piece.
    We had some simple dialogues which transitioned into these massive paragraphs affecting the overall flow of the story. The thoughts in the first paragraph might be processed with ease by Ash but, for the reader, it isn't really fun to read about. The second paragraph wasn't much better since it deviates too much from normal conversations.

    I'm actually curious what your reaction would be if someone spoke in a similar manner and length as the second paragraph with you. I personally would have stopped listening at one point and reading something like this seems significantly worse. If you wanted your readers to skip the paragraph midway through, you have certainly accomplished your goal.

    Overall, I find the piece interesting. If you can make it flow better without the reader losing interest, I think you would have a solid piece there.
     
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  19. Malisky

    Malisky Malkatorean Contributor

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    Thank you @blklizard for your time and perception upon this. I didn't give any descriptions about the characters because I focus in the dialogue here. It's not a piece I wrote for any other reason than to test out a dialogue (thus the boring title) and try to justify it through what was going on in Ash's mind and somewhat in Rye's, but he was not the person of interest in this. I just wanted to see how others perceived such an instant in life and such a dialogue. It is not a regular dialogue indeed but sometimes things like this do happen somewhere around the globe. (I've been part of much more abnormal conversations myself which would be impossible to write or express with clarity. There's not a way I can even begin to imagine how I could stylize such conversations without them loosing their original weirdness. It would never get through to the reader, I'm sure). :p
    Anyhow, this dialogue doesn't translate well in such a short piece (bare of backgrounds, backstories, details in characters, descriptions, etc) and I can see why. Thank you again. :)
     

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