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  1. Den

    Den New Member

    Mar 15, 2009
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    Baltimore, MD

    Writing Uncomfortable Scenes

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Den, Apr 18, 2009.

    Not that the scene is bad, but being in a situation where people are angrily arguing can make people uncomfortable. Now, I'm not sure if I can do this, but I wanted to post an excerpt from my book so you can, not review, per se, but just tell me what I'm doing wrong to make the scene...uncomfortable. I didn't think it made sense to post a small scene in the review section. Please tell me if I judged wrong.

    Katherine’s face seemed calm, but the nurse saw something stir beneath it. The woman, a guardian of Faith, grimaced, starring intently at the hero, whose eyes seemed to watch. Katherine turned back to them.

    “Why were you talking about him?” she asked.

    Rachel shook her head, somewhat suspicious of the woman’s temperament. “Nothing. Kara’s just upset because Naudara’s not talking to her,” she said.

    “Why isn’t he talking to her?” asked Katherine.

    Rachel shrugged. “He doesn’t want her to know something, apparently.”

    “Makes sense,” Katherine replied. The other two women's faces screwed up in confusion.

    “What do you mean?” Kara asked defensively.

    Katherine looked toward Naudara, who was still standing silently near Klaww and Glam, whose boisterous voices carried loudly. She glared.

    “Makes you wonder why he had us all out that night,” she remarked resentfully, catching Kara’s fury and Rachel’s shock. “I’m almost convinced he’s a—,”

    “Shut your mouth!” Kara barked silently. “You don’t know a goddamn thing, do you!? Naudara’s taken what happened to Faith harder than even you have!”

    “He’s taking it hard!?” Katherine spat. She was livid, and her heart beat rapidly with her anger. “I’m her goddamn guardian!”

    “I don’t care who you are!” Kara snapped. “You don’t know anything about him!”

    Rachel looked between them both, somewhat upset, but said nothing. Some of the others from second and third tables eyed them a awkwardly. Naudara saw as wel. He had no idea, it appeared, what they were talking about, but watched nonetheless as the girls grew silent.

    A friend said it was kind of funny. I'd expect him to laugh at anything and everything though, but I wanted to make sure I knew how to create uncomfortable scenes.
  2. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    May 19, 2007
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    Massachusetts, USA
    What you are asking for IS a critique. It must be posted in the Review Room, after meeting the reviewing requirements.
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