I think I'm about ready to start querying Henry Rider: Clown Hunter again. How does this letter sound? Dear [agent], Fifteen year old Henrietta “Henry” Rider is the Hunter, the only thing standing between the human race and total chaos. God help us all. Henry dreams of gaining her people’s respect by hunting down the corrupted maiams, who live only to kill and consume human laughter. Born into the klaon race’s lowest class, her powers weakened even further by a disability she doesn’t speak of, she has her work cut out for her. But then she meets Ethan, a young human whose recent trauma has rendered incapable of laughing. The power stored inside him could feed the entire klaon population for months, or create the most powerful maiam ever seen. Seeing this as her chance to prove herself, Henry volunteers to watch over Ethan until he learns to laugh again—no matter what. But a masked killer also has his sights set on Ethan, and he hides secrets that will turn Henry’s whole world upside down. With Ethan’s help, she’ll have to uncover a sinister plot that goes far deeper into her own culture than she could ever guess. Mr./Mrs./Ms.[agent], my name is Adam Bolander, and I’m thrilled to introduce you to my young adult urban fantasy novel, Henry Rider: Clown Hunter. Full of humor, suspense, and frantic anime-esque action, this is a story that will thrill middle and high school audiences. The best part is that, at 76,000 words, even reluctant readers won’t be scared away! Below, you can find [whatever they ask for], and I sincerely hope you enjoy it. Thank you for taking the time to consider me, [agent]. I look forward to hearing back from you! Sincerely, Adam Bolander
I like it. The phrase "turn[s his] whole world upside down" is a bit of a cliche and doesn't stress the stakes enough, nor what Henry risks losing. Otherwise, I thought it was a good job.
I have never submitted a query, but I did read about it just because I had no idea what a query was and I was curious about the process. From those readings I suggest you spoil the ending, because the person is your potential agent, not a reader, so she needs to see the whole "product".
I'm a querying novice, but generally found this engaging and easy to read. One nit - is there a word missing here? I feel like you might need a "him" between "rendered" and "incapable." Or maybe it's the "whose." There's something off about the agreement.
In my experience, spoiling the ending is typically reserved for a synopsis. The query itself is more of a pitch. I think OP is in the clear on this front. Turning to the query itself, it seems pretty solid. I'll agree with HeathBar that there appears to be a missing word. Otherwise, you might consider adding comparable titles/authors to your final paragraph, but it's not absolutely necessary.
