Viewing blog entries in category: Humor

  • Iain Aschendale
    C-3PO and R2D2 didn't manage to stop the trash compacter in time. Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca were all crushed, and the next time the Death Star went into hyperspace their corpses were ejected from the station before the jump, in keeping with Imperial fleet protocol. C-3PO, in a mixture of terror and despair, grabbed a power main with both hands and incinerated his circuits to avoid capture. Station security spent months combing every inch of the mammoth ship for the terrorists who had brazenly snuck aboard, broken an important prisoner out of the detention wing, and then simply vanished. In the years that followed, when something broke down or malfunctioned the engineers joked (quietly) "Must be those damn rebels again!"

    And little R2D2? He'd never really cared about the disputes of the living; the definition of joy for him was helping other mechanical systems. No one noticed one more R unit on the maintenance gang in the station's southern hemisphere, and he spent the rest of his days keeping the HVAC systems running smoothly as the rebellion was crushed, murdered planet by murdered planet.
  • Iain Aschendale
    During the sack of Constantinople in the Fourth Crusade (1202-1204), the plunderers:

    Richard Tillinghast, Istanbul: City of Forgetting and Remembering


    Will history remember as much about you in eight hundred years as it remembers of her?
    Some Guy likes this.
  • Iain Aschendale
    While I was browsing the net the other day, I chanced upon a site that was hosting some sort of international short film festival. After looking at a couple of the titles, I discovered what appeared to be a Japanese romance movie. Now, my language ability isn't so hot, but I always like the opportunity to learn more about local culture so I figured I'd give it a shot. As my wife was still at work, it was up to me to understand as much of it as I could.

    The beginning was a little confusing, but I eventually started to understand the situation. However, just when it the film started to make sense to me, the video equipment developed some sort of glitch that obscured part of the screen. My monitor is pretty old, so I paused the film and checked the link on my tablet to try and ascertain the source of the problem. Whatever it was, it wasn't on my end; the tablet gave an identical result.

    Disappointed, I went back to the main menu and found another local production, but lo and behold, the same difficulty manifested itself a few minutes in. Since my devices were okay, I thought it might be a site issue, so I checked the next suggested film, which opened on a young Russian lady who was apparently daydreaming about finding a husband. Imagine her surprise when not one, not two, but three suitors called on her. At the same time! Now having to choose between paramours is a staple, I'm told, of romantic fiction and can serve as an important plot driver. However, this young lass was quite clever and the group arrived at a solution that, while somewhat unsanitary, left both her and her admirers quite happy. While some of the camera work was a trifle unsteady (I think one of the actors was doubling as a cameraman!), there was none of the glitching that had been present in the Japanese productions.

    I just think it's a pity that the Japanese entrants had so many problems with their video equipment. Japan is a country well-known for producing quality electronics, but even the best tools are useless in the hands of poorly-trained users. It's just kind of depressing to see my adoptive country perform so poorly on the international stage.
    John Calligan and Cave Troll like this.
  • Iain Aschendale
    Over on the "What are you cooking tonight?" thread, @Homer Potvin has been sharing his accumulated wisdom on restaurant costs and profits, which I find absolutely fascinating.

    No, really, I'm not being sarcastic.

    So I went out to tabe/nomihodai (an all you can eat, all you can drink restaurant) with a friend the other week. There were options from two to three hours, with last order coming thirty minutes before your time was up. Since the breakdown between two hours (90 minutes ordering) and three hours (two and a half hours ordering) was only about $4 each, we decided to go with the three hour option. Two people, three hours all you can eat, all you can drink alcohol, for 8400 yen (roughly $84 bucks, since we get paid in yen as well).

    This was an ideal venue to figure out the customer cost/benefit equation, since the restaurant offers ala carte as well as all you can eat, but the ala carte has a fixed price of 300 yen ($3) per item, so it's easy to figure out how much we would have spent had we not done the all you can eat.

    Japanese izakaya (the best translation is "pub", although there are differences) eating style isn't one where you order your meal, it comes, you eat it, and commence to drinking, it's more of a tapas type thing where you continuously order small food and drink until you lose consciousness or start a fight with a mirror.

    For simplicity's sake, I've divided things up into courses, as defined by one or both of us ordering another drink.

    Let's go, shall we?

    Tabehoudai Small.jpg

    If you're having trouble focusing on the pics, that's:

    9 mugs of beer
    1 chu-hai (alcopop)
    9 glasses of wine (the carafes are 90ml each, one glass of wine is 30ml)
    7 orders of sashimi
    1 order of fried chicken
    1 order of edamame (possibly two, it's automatic)
    1 Caesar salad
    1 sliced tomato salad
    1 ginger salad
    2 (miniscule) sirloin steaks
    3 orders of grilled shiitake
    1 small mixed pizza
    1 order of corn tempura
    1 order of sauteed shimeji mushrooms
    1 order of sauteed pork and onions
    1 order of chicken skewers
    3 slices of tiramisu
    2 mini parfaits
    3 pieces of strawberry cheesecake

    For a total of 49 items, at $3 each, or a tab that would be $147 which we paid $84 for.

    Not sure if the restaurant lost money on us or not that night, but I can't try much harder that I did.
  • Iain Aschendale
    I thought about workshopping this, but it's really not worth it. I've got no experience with the software in this story, so there are probably lots of errors, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

    My stomach growled. “Siri, where’s the nearest Subway?”

    “This city doesn’t have a subway system, but there’s bus stop one block east of here.”

    “No, I mean a, um, someplace I can get,” What were they called in this part of the country? “a hoagie? A, um, hero?”

    “Hogan’s Heroes, the complete series, is available on DVD from Amazon for thirty-nine ninety-nine, with free ship—”

    “No, Siri, not a DVD, I’m hungry. Is there anyplace around here I can get a big sandwich, um, a grinder?”

    “Opening Grindr. You have three possible matches. Match number one, Vinnie: ‘Hey guys, looking for a foot long spicy Italian…’”
    Mark Burton and Cave Troll like this.