Viewing blog entries in category: Personal Writing
One lone nights wish, to stand light years away.
lines and faces I see, I make points in space
dwelling around, unknown in darkness it seems...
"I still know I'm here safe and sound"
I can feel the textures creeping up, my strain of thought
with hungering divine, it may seem unreal
but all so true.
The feeling so pure the sound so clear,
I see the place, the home I stay
flying down the river vine, I meet myself
inside the hay; sleeping in peace.
State of mind, seems to change.
Standing here a bush appear,
inside the bush I see a snake
constantly changing his fate
"it's out to get me..."
A serpents strike, I shook i fled...
As I watch the walls start to change
here it comes again, again and again
the same mistake the same thought
leads me to run, to hate; myself
I need to go, I need too leave
this hunger inside me seems to be; more
than just this, these ideas I see, this voice inside me
it clogs the master the person I am, the one I want to be.
I wish I could leave and be, light years away
something unknown, a star perhaps, just watching and shinning
like the rest to be. For those who see may never know
when I'm free, for the space between is far undone.
As I wake, laying in blood, waters of tears
I see my self... in a lone nights wish...
Consistent dwelling inside, out...
Fearless peace wondering hunger,
picking souls like picking money, a greedy beast.
Wanting all and all in inside, out. Feeds on minds,
all and all in vein. Master of trades, master of none the lies although dwell like fun,
for this we see a coin taken, run, chased to death, chased to run...
No where near the end since circles tend to begin,
a void-less run in darkness where pain is nothing but fun.
Don't see, but note, don't think, but say or they would hear the fear...
You lost you won, choices undone, for he controls a play,
another constant realm of puppet hunger,
the master of strings, connected to all.
Snip your string and see or die and be.
Constant conjunction of inner realms seeking a meaning in questions I lay before them, in means life, me, past, future basically the questions each and everyone go through everyday. It's always the same thing constantly, the only difference is the moment you realise it and what 'changed' in between that time. honestly... I think we are getting worst
Ask yourself this ' What does the world mean to you? ' then after you read about it and thought about a few things that may have an effect on the end result, you read it again and ask yourself What does the world mean to me? Listen to this if you may, don't just listen to it hear it let it in and think and feel it, people tend to miss the actual song or message in most things. No wonder we are so messed up, in means that we are brain washed constantly by this 'Dark Cloud' that we don't even notice what's really going on around us. By 'Dark Cloud' I point to the 'People' sitting behind the media, lucky every now and then something 'Hopefully' close to truth pops-up. It's close.
If I look back I see a lot of good memories, but worst more bad ones... Which ends up, asking myself 'Did I really have a good time here?' Is there one thought that I could look back on and say, You know if I die now I lived a happy life?. In most cases I have to say some people actually have those, these days most don't. Lucky and un-lucky for those that's growing up in this age. Mankind changed ever since, it's hard out there and it will never change no matter what people say, thus ending up all I said above means nothing, but maybe something triggers something inside someone. I have no point in this 'piece' I just wrote down what's inside my head, so please don't think I'm judging or whatever you can come up with, I'm just writing me...
Other than that I guess, I'd say this: Rather enjoy life even if there's nothing to enjoy, I know it sounds stupid but I bet if you think about it for long enough you'll see it.
ps. I didn't even read the whole thing twice, before I posted it... I will probly edit it later... But for now, I just had to get some stuff out keep in mind it's just personal writing.
Why did you read this? (by the way. This may be confusing so good luck...)
I sometimes write in such a way that people don't understand a thing. I don't know why? I guess we are all different, obviously...
Today, This day ? Is it even today? I don't know... Only thing I do know, is to feel disconnected.(Yet again by this I mean, to be distant since nothing seem to be 'cool' any more, not 'cool' as in: "Your cool because your smoking." 'cool' as in good, or actually enjoyable.)
I know each and everyone have problems, I almost wanted to say had. But hahaha like that will ever be true, You Will Have Problems Every day for the rest of your life! What makes it different from others is the way you handle them I guess... I could be wrong, I could be right.(Who cares...)
And most of all is your problems are unique to you, and only you.
Most things in life go around yourself anyway.
(I just had one of those random thoughts where you seem to lose grasp on what you actually wanted to say, but for some reason you drift off so far that nothing really makes any sense any more.)
Well let me share that thought for the sake of it (making a 5-10min thought into a few lines). Last night I watched an episode on pulsars and quasars quite interesting. And from that thought I jumped to the size of the universe, then from that I jumped to wtf is all of this, is it real? What are you doing here, what are... And this is where I stopped myself since I have been there many times... They are questions that will stay un-answered till something comes along and explains it all. (Can't wait for that day)
Another note on me. I'm one of those that 'imagine' constantly, so if I have a conversion with someone I imagine most of the things very graphical, like if the person describes a moment of his/her life or a event or something that happened, I would imagine myself in the exact same scenario(I usually avoid the sick parts). Another way would be something like, say I know that I will speak to someone or I can see that someone is about to speak to me. I will have 10+ ways already worked out within. Sometimes I don't even see the need to speak to someone since the outcome I had in mind got either boring or its always the same thing. Sometimes I can predict the whole conversation which makes it nice, so in that time I can think about other stuff while I'm having a conversation. (Which is messed up)
Like my mother always said I'm emotionless, If someone speaks to me or asks me hows your day, I would usually say its good. I don't care about his day or her day because it doesn't affect me. Does this make me the bad guy?
Looking into the eyes of oneself may open a vision of inbound truth to real existence, but surely grasps the fact that reality is nothing more than a memory.
(Now this is the shit I write... Reading it opened up another way of looking at it, but I still know the first reason I wrote it and the exact emotion I felt.)
I think most of the things I feel see or do, is affected by my past... ? I don't know.. Maybe I'm just weird...
I tend to go into way to much detail, I tend to analyse to much, I find reason in things with no reason... That doesn't even make real sense.. since everything has reason... well whatever...
A dream I had.. And in the dream I had some 'spiritual' happenings (God) and I had some texts from the Bible. I also heard voices. Okay so within the dream I remember reading the text about 2 lines almost 3 maybe, and soon after I completed the sentences I realised I was reading out of the Bible, and then I realised I was dreaming. So after all this in the dream I thought maybe I should remember all of this, but it was to late it blurred away, the only thing I could remember was the 'effects' my body felt and the voice. After that still within the dream I remember after the Bible reading part, I was standing in our main entrance, in the doorway. I stood there for sometime, and then again I realised I was in a dream as if it was another dream like a skip between memories of some sort. I walked from the one side which is from our door across the hallway to a door on the other side of the building, there stairs are found to go down or up. (Its a 3 story building, and each hallway is quite long, and the one side is open so you can look down or wherever) Okay so I walked from the one side to the other and when I reached the end it went dark. I closed my eyes saying this is only a dream you can wake up now. I opened my eyes, again I stood at the same spot as before. This time I walked half way and I turned to look down and noticed the guy that lives above us was crying out for help, he somehow managed to drive his car up the bottom hallway, which is about 2 normal stairs in height, its do-able but he drives a uno... Which made it weird.
After all that shit I woke up. random dream... I actually had a reason why I told who ever reading this, about the dream. Now before I wrote it I thought it may offend the person I told this to, because what they said about my dream made me think, in what way or how did 'he/she' get what they said to me, from this dream since they don't really know what's really going on in my life. Confusing... What I'm trying to say is, the interpretation they gave me sounded silly. Because they don't know what's really going on, and it doesn't make any sense for what they said.
By that being "You should spend more time in church, God wants to speak to you, and here(at home) since I never go to church, He's not capable of doing anything more, your soul needs 'active' 'food'. Ok now that being said since I didn't want to say it because I thought it may start something bad, or whatever.. I don't care actually...
I think its just weird... so many reasons I can't explain now. I think I miss lead them to much in a way... Because I tend to only share a small bit of info. Never the whole story because it would take way to long to explain... Nothing is simple with me, well unless its simple...
And by that people around me take it up wrong, well its obviously caused by me most of the time, for not giving all the information just parts of it, but they tend to jump to 'conclusions' to fast they never take time to think things through, okay maybe if I gave them all the info they would think differently about what they say, but I do it not even noticing that I did it. I would tell someone about something not to play around or to fool them I just tell them what I think or felt. I guess I'm always way to busy thinking that I don't see reason to explain everything, since I think they won't understand because they never do. And yea I tried many times explaining the whole f**king story, and guess what they said. " Man you need to chill, Man you are weird you go into to much detail, Dude your freaking me out, Man you have problems, You should see someone..." Really? Still think its needed to explain myself, O and the best one I got from someone "You are possessed.... O f**k me silly really? you think... NO I'm not! I'm just me, I'm deep I analyse and I think differently, constantly...
# A random thing I did once... This doesn't really go well with what I said before, but this is one # way to show how most people think. Well those around me.
I played with 'his/her' mind once (not in a bad way just to see), what I did was a basic thing I call, well I don't have a name for it. I told 'him, her' something and they agreed on it, as in " yes I like that, its a good thing you know...." then after a while I turned the story, making 'him, her' say that "Its not a good thing any more, they don't like it" now you get the idea. Its one of those that agree on whatever they are told. The person I told the dream to is not like that but sometimes a little... Mostly because he,she is influenced by all the good "Christian". So you can imagine how quickly they jump to something when you tell them stuff like that... They live of it...
I may sound evil... or not don't really care...
Just sharing some random thoughts...
#> These down here are things I write, mostly about my current mental state or some random emotion or feeling I felt, or just random...
# Sometime back
If divinity proclaim my mind, what shall I do when The fear seeks the body, to claim a state of mental wonder, with vivid illusions of the hate we seek to avoid...
a 'Marionette' I have become, for my manipulator is still unknown, I seek the truth about the bounds I have, claiming my mind for the use of things I see no light too... A dark string of pain winding around my heart, suffocating the life I once lived... May this turn to good? for I shall live to the end; Or to bad for nothing worst... Just to say that nothing here is the way it should be...
Impure beliefs, things moving around me, seeking me, wanting me... Not a cause of mind but impaired reality, a box holding my soul, leaving me in a state of nothingness, a mental state outside that of which is real... So I hope; for this life is not the same as the other, I tend to wake up more then usual, in places I felt, I had past already... Life, what a silent movie; of part I don't exist...
Meaningless thoughts still fear me... but soon is all forgotten to new thoughts seeking a more profound meaning to the mind... Needless to say I told you so... Thus I answer myself? not to be myself but to feel sure; that this is all still real?
I can't explain the ways I tried to put this, it's so hard not to scare people... For the fact that we always try to keep each other safe but at the end you only then realize that you weren't helping or protecting that person you were only making it worst, " Unspoken words cause the soul more pain then spoken words "...
I still love you, I do, but it's hard because I already closed on you... Pain is just another pebble on my road, for I seen much worst than this, although pain is nothing its pain turning and growing into a tormented suffering that really freaks me out, you don't see it - you never do, For me it ain't about planing the perfect life, you never see it... How many times did you plan something and made it? Yes it can happen... but are you happy then? If so good for you... I was wrong then, but still I don't see the meaning to it in anyway... Just like everything else....
Yes I know 'You are depressed get help blablabla...'... Fine got help, and so it turned out that the person trying to help me had problems as well, not that shocking at all as we all have problems, its the way you cope with them that make yours different from the rest. Now coming back to the complete Hypocritical lifestyle that we all make use off, yes! Face it we all are!... but there is a difference those that know it and try to work without it, and those that are so used to it they can't live without it. But that is another story...
Here today I step-up and speak my mind, as my reality became my dream world and my dreams seem like reality now, I face day to day scenes where I have missing parts, things seem black or lost; I'm so busy thinking that, I don't even realize the things that doesn't interest me anymore... I tend to think of ways to do it, not that this is anything new to me, it's normal don't worry about me I will always be fine... 7 years now.... 7 years, 7 long fucking years with constant torment, constant questioning and so many changes in ones life, things and more things.... My mind can't take it anymore... I won't I can't fake a life like you all do... I won't, I live my own life, I die alone....
So what is the reason for this post? No idea really I thought I'll just say it anyway maybe out there somewhere in this void we live in someone has the same shit, or just plainly for the fact that If I had to say it to Them they would flip, they won't understand they never do... Slowly the living life leaves this capsule I got from God, about that it's pointless there is no reason, I didn't ask for this, although you can't argue like that but you think about it, it opens up the big question why?? So I'll just say it and leave it because no one can answer that question only the Maker knows... Not that I'm saying there ain't one... I mean come on you really belief we came from fucking monkeys.... HAHA wtf ever...
Further more back to the 'Reason'... I don't see any... read! I said 'I' don't see any!!... Well everything aside.. I'm happy I have everything I need... well almost.. but I can't complain about that not that I'm complaining only giving a statement?... I think... who cares... anyway... Back to the point I think I have lost it, this here is about 1% of all the stuff going in and out my mind in a day... I will seize to exist before I find myself within a psych ward or some strange mental hospital or some hell'ish place.... I guess the point of this was only to get it out of my system, not that it ever helps...
Ways of thinking:
You ever came across a thought or emotion where you find yourself analyzing it for more then a few minutes, you end up working out ever possible way of every ending and possible outcome of that 'thought, saying, decision or what ever', so by then you end up thinking it would be either pointless to even say it or to mention it, so you rather just stay quiet... Or most times I find myself talking to someone and 1 minute into the conversation you can work out the way you want it to go, talk about what ever you want or even work out everything in my head and end up thinking I should rather leave this guy/girl is going to bore me to shit...
Ever tried to lie... This is the worst it never ends, I go so deep I would get lost for days...
(to be continued)
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