I know that I've posted more blogs on here than actual work... I don't want to do a stupid myspace so...
Bleh... I don't know...
I went to the docter on Wednesday.
I got my first ultrasound and he asked me if I'd been in a physical fight and I was just like, "Uhhh, no. Why?"
And the docter goes, "Because something's wrong. No one's maybe... pushed you or something along those lines?"
My head went back to the night my exfiance shoved me into the doorframe trying to push me out of my own apartment.
I lost the baby.
He... made me lose our baby.
You know... God works in really strange ways. I had even tried to contact him to tell him I was pregnant. Then I sent him a letter telling him I was terminating the pregnancy because I was scared and didn't know what else to do.
But I didn't even have to. God made the decision for me.
Falling in love with someone... and having it be the strongest, most intense, most meaningful love you've ever felt for another person and then watching it disipate... and then hearing that something beautiful really could have stemmed from it but even that died...
I'm not trying to be emotional and stupid and pitiful. I'm not trying to weep over a sad little 6 month relationship that was going way too fast anyway...
but when you think... when you're so sure about something... and suddenly this thing, this person you want and love and want to protect more than anyone else in the world suddenly hates you, it's hard to think you didn't do something wrong.
I really, really... never did cheat on him. I really never even tried to or wanted to. I really had no interest in anyone else, including the people closest to me.
All I wanted was to make him as happy as he was making me.
And now everything... is in all these little pieces all over the floor.
And you know... things are getting better. I'm in line for a big promotion at my job that's going to more than put me where I want to be financially, I've got great friends and I finally got a great car but... it just seems to me as though when my love life's going good, everything else in my life is screwing up, and vice versa.
I keep thinking back to standing outside my job the day we met. He asked me for a cigarette and I complimented his crappy guitar and... I've just never been so wooed and I've never fallen in love so hard or so fast.
This is so stupid. I know I should be over this, at least him right now, but just knowing that he... never cared in the first place. It's hard to accept that. It's hard to accept that he's as angry with me as he is, especially considering how much I sacrificed and put up with accompanied by the thought that I love this man so much and everything was going to be okay.
And now I'm faced with nothing but some crappy dollar store glue to fix my pathetic little broken heart.
I finally hooked my computer up tonight and I went through all our pictures together.
There's one I took of us about two days after we started dating. We're laying in my bad kissing and my eyes are closed, but his are open, looking at me.
And to this day, I've never seen a more loving look in someone's eyes.
It's stupid, I know, especially after all he's done to me, but I really am scared for him. He's so addicted to coke now, and boozing every night. I just wish...
I just wish things had been different. I know it does me no good to think that, if anything it probably does harm to think it, but it doesn't make me not want it.
I really... really just...
Love him a lot.
I know it's only been three days that I've known but... I'm having this baby. I'm scared ****less, and I have no idea what's going to happen, but I'm having my baby. (hopefully a baby girl)
I tried to bring myself to look up the abortion information online and it just made me cry. I totally hear all the time, like Torana said on my last blog, that no mother would trade their kid(s) for anything in the world. I realized today that the only reason I don't want to have this kid is because I'm afraid of not being able to support it but my best friend told me where there's a will there's a way...
My family wants me to keep it...
My friends don't...
I've decided I'm not taking this baby's life away because I'm scared of my ex and my cash flow.
Tonight I found out I have to move out of my bosse's house in May. I'm going to move in with my sister. She's church going, two kids... it's going to be boring but... it's where I need to be right now. It's a good enviroment.
Wow. I'm gona be a mommy.
Wish me luck. lol
So I find myself getting to the point where I'm feeling better about losing my ex. I'm feeling better about my new home and the new friends I've come to live with. I'm feeling as though I've splashed some cool water on my face and taken a deep breath. The night before last, I layed in bed and prayed to God to bring peace over me and keep my mind on the right track.
Then, amongst that peace and all the good things I've got going for me (my promotion, my friends, my freedom) I find out yesterday morning...
I'm 4 weeks pregnant with his baby.
I feel as though, out of all the bull**** that's happened in my life... I'm pretty shook up because... I feel as though, for the first time in my life, maybe there really isn't fate and I guess God does test people to make them stronger but... why on Earth would he feel it necessary to give me this test?
Now, of all times, especially?
I'm more angry now than I can ever remember being... I'm hurt, I'm emotional, I'm in every kind of pain and my ex is... probably spending his time getting high and drinking.
So... I'm afraid of him and his psycho bitch mother, I'm afraid to contact them... I don't even know if I'm going to keep this kid. I don't want to be one of those white trash, single moms on welfare because I couldn't bring myself to get an abortion.
It's not fair. It's not ****ing fair that every girl friend of mine gets a loving doting man and I get... a man whose fault it is that I'm in this situation.
And what's most messed up about all of this is that every other guy I've ever slept with would step up and be a man. And I've never loved any of them as much as I love my 'baby daddy' I guess you could say, and he's the only one that wouldn't step up and be a man about it.
"It's not mine... blah blah blah" He'll tell me to go through my pregnancy (which is his fault in the first place) alone and when it's born, he'll get a paternity test done then. Then his jerk ass will try and take me to court for custody.
So, where's God now? Where's God when after my whole crappy life, this is now exactly what I'm faced with... shame or welfare? I'm a spiritual person and even after all the bad bull****, I've still always believed in him and his plan, and now suddenly, once again, I'm the one who has to make this ****ty decision. Not my ex, not God, not my super religious sister who's trying to guilt me into keeping it even though I only make $12 an hour.... me.
I have to do this now... I have a ****ing kid in my body. A kid whose father I don't want it to look like. A kid whose dad I don't want to see or even hear his voice, I'm so angry with him.
And I have a dilemma that beer and partying can't fix and no one can help me because this is soley my decision and...
I'm so pissed off at the world right now I could just puke.
Everyone just... gets their way. There's so many spoiled brats in this world... I don't even have parents.
Why EVERYthing?? Why why why? Why is this even a question I have to ask?
I'm sick of life's little curve balls. I'm sick of spoiled brat attitudes, I'm sick of diva bitches and arrogant assholes, I'm sick of everything I've seen this world display in the past 21 years.
I've had it... and there's nothing I can do.
Jesus ****in Christ
So now that I'm past the whole 'get my stuff back' part and 'change my phone number so I'll quit getting harassed by a mommy' part, I'm now in the 'sad.' part. I know I can't be the only person that feels like they've done something wrong when a powerful relationship ends, but I still kind of feel so. I keep lying awake in bed thinking "well, if I hadn't done this, or said this, maybe it wouldn't have initially sparked bad feelings and we would've worked out."
I just think this whole situation sucks, hardcore. I really loved (love) this guy and suddenly it's weird because I haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks and just because of the way the whole situation played out (he got violent, then I, in response, got violent) I know it has to stay that way.
I didn't want anything other than to be his wife and have his kids (puke, i know...) and suddenly I'm #1 on his public enemy list. I've never had a friendship/relationship anything end this badly, but I've also never cared so deeply for someone.
I try to keep telling myself that if I love someone and if it's meant to be, it will and that person will accept me for all my tantrums and emotional baggage and all those little broken pieces that make me who I am.
But what I don't understand is how I could be so wrong about something (someone).
I don't know... am I the only person that believes in fate? It's a belief I've always held but it's kind of slipping, what with my fresh ex getting too hard into drugs to deal with and the one before that (The one I didn't stay with BECAUSE this fresh ex came into my life) passing away...
I spent the last two weeks of this guy's life with the new guy because I was trying to follow my heart and it got me nowhere. I think my heart needs a GPS system....
So I went back to the apartment to get my stuff and was able to get in legally cuz the other lease holder let me in. Luckily my ex wasn't there, but when I got in, my cats had been left with no food or water. So I was about halfway back to my boss's house (where I'm staying) when I get a call from my job telling me that my ex's mom was calling my store over and over, demanding to know where I was cuz I "broke in and vandalized and burglarized her son's apartment" which is crap, cuz I have 5 witnesses, including one of the leaseholders, to testify on my behalf. I called the police to make sure I wasn't gona get arrested at work and the cop told me there was nothing they could do and that I could actually file charges on his mom for harassment and slander, so I did.
So that's done and over with and now I'm just left with... this seeping dissapointment, kind of just trying to understand how I could've been so wrong about someone. And the thing is... I really loved this guy (and still kind of do) and it's weird that we're not together and I'm sad but... I'm also relieved. I'm tired of being accused of cheating (I've never cheated in my life) and I'm sick of having to prove myself again and again but at the same time, I just try to keep reminding myself that yeah, I'm only 21 and better and nicer guys will come along.
I've never been engaged before and he was definately my deepest love but it sucks that it took as long as it did for his true colors to come out.
Bleh... I duno. I'm going to give it about 6 months (at least) before allowing myself to date again. The guy I was dating right before this guy passed away very suddenly and right now... I just kind of need some time to grieve, 'ya know?
"I came here to rock ass, or chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum."- Lil' Bush
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