I'm normally the type of person who can stay happy go-lucky no matter what, but don't we all have our breaking points?
I lost my job 2 months ago. Which alone is upsetting, but then, I got into this new job, at least they said I had gotten in. I wait over the weekend for the call. Nothing. My weekdays are hectic as is, and she only had specific hours. I never got a chance on that Monday. Tuesday, I get into a car accident. The police arrest the woman, and we have to wait with very sore bodies. Our car is towed. We go to the Hospital. We don't get out of the ER until around 3pm that day. It was already too late to call her. The rest of the week becomes a wreck of me staying home and resting. I never called. Neither did she. So, comes the weekend. I rest my body. I'm excited, and I mentally note to myself: Call her on Monday. She'll be in.
Come Monday. I get into another wreck. This time the woman runs from the scene. And I forget to call. Tuesday, I'm a mopey, crabby, paining child that is actually, yes actually, pulled out of bed by her mother and forced to school for the first time in years. I force myself, rather, my mother forces me to go to school. I do. I leave each class early, and zonk out in my professors office. (Because he's freaking awesome. Seriously.) I talk to my professors, they understand. But that didn't stop me from being horribly behind. I missed a week of classes...
And then Wednesday? Idk what day, my mother's car breaks down. Completely. Kaput. She can't be fixed.
My mother is a victim of a horrible divorce, and I live financially independent from her but rely on her for transportation. Nope. No more, and as it comes, they were looking for the money from the accidents from the insurance company to help them. And, I didn't understand what they meant. Apparently, they wanted the bill money sent to them, so that they could put it on the car and have my insurance pay for the medical and they said they could pay w/e they needed on what my insurance would charge.
Well. I think that's cheating... and I told them just to pay the bill. :x They got really mad at me, to the point where my "landlord" tells me she's going to kick me out! Even my own flesh and blood mother is screaming at me about it. Like I did something bad.
So, I did what I had to do. I called my father, whom... I'm still struggling to keep a relationship with in the first place, after said painful divorce. Called the grandparents.
I was forced to ask for help from people that I didn't want to ask for help from. I mean, in general, I'll ask for help when I'm about to fall off the edge of life, but apparently. That's where I am but a situation I can't even control.
So it comes down to it.
Why is my life controlled by the decisions of others?
My mother is supposed to be saving her money. I don't think she could have saved enough to have gotten a car, but maybe we could have had enough that we didn't have to run towards my grandparents for another bailout. I'm SO tired of being controlled by others through THEIR decisions.
Seriously. I just need to be completely independent from that woman. She's bringing me down. She's taking money from my account because she's doing the opposite of saving!!
So, I got in a car wreck on Tuesday. I have the bad habit of not wearing my seat belt. I should have gone through that wind shield, but someone was looking out for me. Asleep in the car when the woman hit us from behind, I somehow found the ability to wake up in those split seconds and to put my hands forward to take the blow. I hurt both wrists, one more than the other. My left taking the brunt of it, I'm still exercising it so I can fully use it again. For now, they're both just irritated. Nothing broken.
The woman who was driving, got a lot more damage than I did and she had her seat belt on. The car is totaled, and a woman arrested for driving a stolen car. She was also driving under the influence and resisted arrest.
I texted everyone that needed to know when it had happened, father included. He apparently told my grandparents that I wasn't wearing my seat belt, and this is the email I got.
They sent it to our entire family Mass email.
God. I love my Grandparents.
But, we don't seem to be afraid of it. We should be. We really should be afraid of what has become of our youth. I am in a program for youth, just like me. High School dropouts. At risk students. The kind you expect to see in a gunfight or serving you food at Ronald McDonald's domain. But this program sees beyond that, and they give us a second chance. They don't accept everyone. You need an 8th grade reading level, and you have to seem like you want it. Because, in all honesty this is your last and best chance at a future. There's the GED, but that doesn't exactly help you if you're not willing to study for the GED. It doesn't help for when you go to College and realize you aren't prepared. Our program not only gets you a diploma, but credits towards college and preparation for College itself. You become something you had never expected, a college student.
So, why do I see stupid youth, as what they should be called, losing grasp of this opportunity between their fingers.
“And hold within my hands grains of golden sand. So few yet how they seep, between my fingers into the deep! How I weep, how I weep!”
I'm not sure if that's exact, it's a poem by E.A. Poe that I keep to heart. It reminds me of them. That hopelessness that they situate themselves into all over again. Hopelessness was what brought many of us into this situation in the first place and you ALLOW this opportunity to slip through your fingers? There is NOTHING like this program and they just let it go?
My mentor, and the man I jokingly call my father basically runs the program. He guides us, helps us with anything he can help us with. He brings clothes if you need them, he'll find you a bed to sleep on if you've lost your home. He'll take the money out of his own pocket to make sure you get home or are fed. Yet they disrespect him. You disrespect the one person that wants you to do well? The person that has worked his ass off to make this program stay alive? We are struggling because people are not proving themselves. They don't go to classes. They don't study. They slack off. They come to school, but don't go to class.
These people are my family. I want them to succeed. I want them to go somewhere, but they ignore my offer of help. “Do you need help with your math? I've got the time.” But they put it off, “No, I'll do it next time.” When there is no next time. Why....?
There was this one girl that came into the program today. I've never seen her before until today. Honestly, I swear this is the first time I've seen her. Or maybe I have, but she's been such a wallflower. I've no idea how it's possible that she's been in our program for three semesters. I've been in our program for three semesters and I don't know her! She was in class with the new students taking a class for orientation students. The first semester is basic classes that we take in order to get used to the workload, etc. This is her third semester and she hasn't passed any of her classes. At all. Nada. Cero. Why is she here? I honestly am INFURIATED that she is wasting our scholarship money. Who the hell did she have to know in order to stay? She's just a loud-mouthed obnoxious little girl who can't seem to get out of that High School mindset. You have to study to pass a test. You have to be here 90% of the time, at the least and if you can, be here every day, and all you can. Do your freaking homework and you're fine. You don't even have to take initiative into the program. It doesn't matter as long as you do what you're supposed to be doing.
Why is she here? I'm pretty sure today was her first day showing up for this semester. I've been with the new students since they got here. Not because I have to, but because I want to be there to help them so they don't become like her. I want them to succeed. She wasn't in any of those classes...
I missed Thursday, but I'm tired. I've been working too hard, like I always seem to do to myself. I run out of steam, and Thursday I could barely get out of bed. I allowed myself a day to re-cooperate, and to study. I did just that, got some things done. Then, of course I get the flu, or something in the weekend that carries onto the weekdays. Today was hell. I was dizzy, my stomach was killing me and I was sneezing and coughing all over the place. Enough that my chest hurts now. But I still came. I might have allowed myself to stay home if I hadn't stayed home Thursday, at which now I regret because of that very reason. My friend in the program didn't come today. She likes to make excuses for herself, on why she misses so many days. She goes twice a week, and has four classes in one day. She has no excuses. Unless something really bad happened, at which I'll feel bad for being upset at her, but until then, I'll stay mad.
Then goes to my math class. I was kind of upset at getting that 92%, I mean, I'm being critical. A 92% is still really good. But, apparently I got the highest score in the class. Our class average was 67% Which is not passing by the standards of our College. But when you average it out with the other tests we're going to have, it's not the end of the world, of course. But as it was. I started a student study group the very first day of class. I told them I would try my hardest to work my schedule, and their schedules together in order to get the maximum ammount of studying. 12 people signed up, one person came and made the initiative to come. At which it basically became me tutoring them.
“How did you do this problem? Where did you start? Oh, no. Do you remember how she taught us to do that in class? Let me show you.”
Etc. (By the way, My teacher's name is freaking DR. SUESS. How awesome is that?)
So, it came test day. We take the test, and then we get them back. Now everyone wants to study with me? You couldn't have come earlier? So because you're doing bad I have to pack my already tight schedule? I run the chess club. I'm not supposed to be, but I am because no one else seems to be organized enough to do so. I'm the secretary and I find myself running the meetings, getting the chess board, working with the Spanish club to make money (Hoho, look. I'm becoming the treasurer too.), setting up special meetings, calling members to make sure they attend and help out. AND I have to go to the Student Government association meeting. Then I run the newsletter and a new four page one is due our before mid-October, which seems like quite a bit of time, but it's not. Especially when you have to wait on a bunch of unreliable people. So, now I have four times a week studying times planned on top of everything else.
I suppose I'll be more excited once I'm less tired and sick. I like being busy when I don't feel used.
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