There was a little girl who played under the trees while dreaming in her private world of make believe. She dreamed of having a life all her own, serving tea to the dolls who would one day become her family and friends.
As she grew older she would continue to dream beneath the trees which stood behind her home. Climbing to the top of their branches she would think about who she might one day become. Often times, looking up into the sky, she would pray that she would be this truly remarkable person she envisioned.
Through many years of dreaming and waiting, she became a grown woman. Those dreams remained as she married and had children. Sadly, life took it's true course and as the days turned into years she lost sight of that little girl. Yet this child was forever with her.
One day, while spending time alone, that child came to visit through several bittersweet memories. She was still wide eyed and her curly blond hair fell across her shoulders. The woman looked at her and realized she had missed this little girl.
Then the strangest thing happened, all of those dreams washed over this woman's heart and soul. Through tears she knew she had lost touch with the most essential part of herself. Those dreams where just as important today as they were back then.
This woman is me and that little girl still dreams inside of me. I hope that when I am old and time has dimmed my eyes, I can say that I lived a good life and everything I desired for myself was true and honest. It is my desire that those who love me most will know I lived this life well and it was an awesome ride.
I dream that when I close my eyes in final rest, this little girl will come and take my hand leading me to the place where all dreams come true as we dream forever.
It isn't childish to dream, it is foolish to take life so seriously we miss out on the magic of being alive.
So here I stand, weighing the balance of what is important to me and what is important to my friends and family. I am so tired of being the one standing on the outside, standing alone.
For the most part, I keep my personal political views private. I do this because I get so much flack for being a liberal independent. I am neither for one side or the other, therefore, it is hard for me to choose sides just for the sake of being identified as this or that. I am for people and what is in their best interest, as well as my own. However, because I am not a "conservative" I am somehow less American? I am some how less important because I am not an out right left wing liberal? I don't argue politics, actually, I deplore it. It is a complete waste of my time and the person arguing. If it doesn't help, then it isn't worth the salt in your bread.
This has put me in the crossfire. I am a great supporter of the Healthcare Reform here in the US. I am also, involved in a local group, Jacksonville Healthcare Reform. I make no apologies as I feel that people have the right to be insured for many reasons. Those that fill my life do not want it and that is their right. So why make my life hell as a result of their choice? Division today doesn't seem like the answer, why should I say that I am a left winger when, in fact, I am not. Just to say, I am liberal causes those I love to shudder in disbelief. They wont share important events with me because they believe I will not be interested. This is unfair, I care about what is happening. I care about what they feel, yet time and again I am disrespected for my point of view.
So, my question...is it important to be on a "side"? Is there anything wrong with being on the fence? I have never thought so, it allows one to think objectively about what is happening around them. It keeps the lines open for communication.
Should I mention my grandmother wants me to write an article for her, against the Healthcare Reform? I said, it would be a contradiction of what I believe. Yeah, that went over well.
When life moves along, we just go with it. We go to work, pay our bills, take care of our needs and those of our family. Seldom do we stop to analyze what we are actually doing, it is a simple act of existence and doing the right thing.
I have been going through the motions for so long, I have allowed myself to become entangled with chains and cords. The reason is simple, I just keep moving forward as I try and maintain my pace with living. Whenever something unexpected happens, I'll make this decision or that, reaching for whatever I feel will make me more balanced. My internal closet is filled with too much baggage and too many weights. Tonight I realize this is no way to live. True joy wont be found until I sift through the junk to find what is truly of value.
I am leaving for awhile, I need to take some time to sort out my feelings and rediscover myself again. I have worn a weary smile for far too long now. I'm not really sure what that means. I am not sure if I will be back here again, or if I will inevitably say goodbye. There is nothing worse than not knowing yourself. There is nothing worse than bringing others down with you.
I am treading waters that I fear are going to overtake me and if I don't grab hold of something true and steady, I will drown for certain.
The thing is, I am strong, I know that I am. I have had to be strong my whole life. Some people are born to be over comers, others are given an easier path. I will not go down quietly, I will not give into what is nothing more than a darkened path. Honestly, I can't honestly say when I last saw light. There have been glimpses of it but as I approach its warmth, it simply vanishes into darkness once more.
Much thought has been given to this decision, so many things have been weighed in the balance of what is important. I only need give myself the time to be selfish for a bit as I listen to my internal voice. This means shutting out the noise screaming so loudly in my head. Too many voices of family and friends, some who mean well, others who mean ill will. It is all too much right now.
This has truly been an arduous year for me. So many mountains have been climbed, so many dry places have been crossed. I am tired, and worn from my journey. I am searching for rest...I need to close my eyes and just let it all go. I need some time alone.
Today is turning out to be a good day. Some nice surprises have opened up for me and I am always happy to receive something new.
Every new opportunity is another door closing as the new door opens. There is something so healing and renewing by this process. I discover new strengths as I gain a greater awareness.
Somethings are changing for the good...I am thinking about my life and what I want in this world of mine. I am also considering those things I don't want in it.
Everyone here knows I always tend to give up way too much of myself. It seems that I offer up everything and receive so little to my own detriment. The crazy thing is, I have been okay with that. But you know, I don't think so anymore, I don't think I can afford the cost.
I have a strong will to push through and make something positive out of the negative. Tomorrow is going to be a new day...tomorrow I am going back into a world I thought was behind me, I am excited for it...I hope it turns out well. The door is open as I step over the threshold.
When it comes to playing in this game of life, we sit excitedly at the table as the cards are dealt. We wonder, will I be a winner or will I lose? Fanning out our cards, we immediately begin to take into account the risk of the bet. How high can I raise and still come out on top, or at the least call it even? Chancing it all, we place our bets...and secretly hold our breath.
But sometimes life deals us a bad hand, we fan open the cards to find nothing and then realize this round is going to cost us something, if not everything. Do we bet, or call "check", will we fold or raise?
Today, I am paying a high price for playing at this table. I knew it was going to be an expensive gamble, I knew I might not have enough to pay out...but I took my chances.
The cards were so sweet in the beginning, I was flying with Kings and Queens, Hearts and Diamonds. The bets were rising and the pots were increasing. It was a fun game, full of hopes and dreams of winning big. One by one I discreetly placed my cards careful not to show my hand...careful not to be without an Ace.
Ahh...the Ace, a very important card. It is often by this card, if the rules are right, you will win or lose. It is by this card fortunes are made and lost. But my Aces were showing, fate saw that I was vulnerable. With each hand I played another Ace, and with each hand I was closer to loss.
When the game was over I sat there and looked around, no more Aces, no wild cards, I had nothing. Everything I loved about it had turned sour and ugly. Looking inward, I saw myself and didn't like me much. I was ragged and worn, broke and hollow. It was difficult to see that I was losing myself. Every move I made, every decision I put into motion, surround that table of cards. People I loved took a backseat to the game. It always came first. A most regretful mistake.
Not only did I take a chance with my heart, I gambled the stability of others and never once could I see it. The dealer was in control, I was more than happy to play along. Riding high and falling hard. Truth be told, I wouldn't have stopped if someone had warned me. I was having too much fun.
Looking around me now, I see the cards scattered across a green felt table of dying memories and lifeless dreams. A few pieces of change lie dusty on the floor. Where did everyone go? The dealer is gone, the other player is gone and I sit here broke and alone.
Lessons in life can take us far if we only will learn from it. If we only allow ourselves to feel something, anything but numb. As I pushed my chips forward and realized I was down to my last hand, I hoped against hope I was wrong. But passion and coincidence tells me I'm not. My gut instinct was not to trust the dealer, not trust the player, and not to trust myself. But I didn't heed my own internal warning. When you have placed your own heart into the gamble, it's hard to be open to anything less than a dreamers dream.
I am still sitting at this table, I am still hoping for a good game...but maybe I'll just wait this one out and play again when I'm ready. When I'm smart enough to step away when my chips are down..
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