12/05/11 1:41 PM
I want people to see, no read the power my writing can give. I don't want it to be taken advantage of or even underestimated. I'm sorry if my brain disables me from saying the words. I try to say them but my brain shuts down and everything becomes nothing but a blank.
If I could say the things I felt without my mind shutting down then I would be grateful for that. I don't act this way just because I want attention I act this way because I can't express myself verbally and emotionally. I'm sorry if I can't be perfect. I'm sorry if I can't be look everyone else. You don't even try to understand.
You just assume you understand while changing my way of thinking as if am wrong and you are right. Why can't you realize the struggles? I just want my feelings and emotions to be heard and yet the only way I can do that is with writing.
It's all I have to express myself but here you are expecting me to give you what I am unable to give. All the efforts I have just lead up to me being misunderstood an taken advantage of. You say I have superior writing skills and yet you've never sat down to read the true power I have through writing.
Is it really too much to ask for you to read my feelings when I write? I mean at least you could know me better and know all of my struggles but you don't... I'm so tired of trying when I get shot down.
What reason do I need for you to lean closer and to hear my whispers; the soft cries only I hear from within? If you knew the voice trying to be heard then why can't you listen in the quiet distance of the words I say. Would it even be enough for you to really understand?
There is no point in trying so until you stop and listen... I'll be here suffering in the silence unheard by the noisy world consuming my voice and muting my every word I try to say.
(It comes from my iPad which I just got. >____<)
So, since I can't yet post in the short stories forum... I really want to post it here. I need more insight other than what I get from my friends. I feel like my friends are going to say I'm good writer either way because they are supporting me... you know? I respect that but... I need more serious opinions.
Be warned... it also includes swearing but just in one paragraph.
The wind whistled through the icy trees, blowing the falling snow all around. It was enough of a blizzard to block anyone's line of view as the ventured through the winter wonderland. Sasuke was being yelled at by his father who still hadn't said a single word to anyone but Sayuri ever since he was three years old. Nothing was getting him to talk, even as he was yelled at. Sayuri, Sasuke's twin sister started crying as her brother was being yelled at by their abuse of father.
"You better be fucking talking, Sasuke. I'm fucking sick and tired of you always being silent because you know better than to make your parents look bad!!" Their father's voice raged on. "Stop acting like a retard and say something to your father." He growled even though Sasuke just stayed frozen. "As for you, Sayuri... I told you not to speak with your mouthful." Their father continued yelling as a tears streamed down her cheeks.
If I could make a wish, I wish that I could spend Christmas with happiness and joy. Sayuri only hoped someone had heard her wish. If there really is a Santa, then I wish we could live with that happiness... She sighed until there came a huge impact.
Both twins woke up in the hospital, realizing they had just survived a car accident. Each one started to wonder how they had survived but more so that their parents had finally gone away. Sayuri smiled and wondered if her wish was finally granted.
"I'm looking for the Kuroneko twins. I was called here to take them home once they recovered from their injuries." A familiar voice had replied as Sayuri opened her eyes.
The curtain opened as Sayuri's widened; surprised to see the man who lived with her family when they were younger. Sayuri had adored him like the father she didn't have when her real father always abused them. It made her smile to know they were going to stay with him.
"When do we get to go home, Kusagi?" Sayuri frowned as he sat down on her bed. "I don't like being at this hospital." She let the tears fall from her cheeks until he wiped them.
"The doctor is keeping you both over night. He wants to make sure you guys are okay." Kusagi nodded as Sayuri frowned again. "Sayuri, I know you don't want to be here but they have to make sure you guys don't have any complications. You two are already lucky just to be alive. The car literally flipped five times leaving your parents dead." He explained to them.
"But... but why? Why are we alive right now? I never wanted to live... until..." Sayuri remembered the wish that she made as tears fell down her eyes. "I hated them... so... so much... dad always used to yell at me and hit me for stupid things... Sasuke hasn't said a word to anyone except for me when we are alone." She started to sob again.
"Hey... everything will be okay. You have to keep being strong, okay?" Kusagi rubbed her arm and kissed her cheek. "Try to get some sleep now. You'll need your strength for tomorrow." He smiled as she nodded.
Kusagi went over to Sasuke who pretended to be asleep. It made him smile knowing that both of them were okay but still suffering with trauma on the inside. Sayuri wanted to be home in a nice warm house as much as her twin brother did.
The next morning came and both twins were discharged. Sayuri wanted to be out of that hospital just as much as Sasuke did. It made them much happier being able to stay with Kusagi who was an old friend of theirs growing up.
"Are we going to be spending Christmas too?" Sayuri was asking a bunch of questions like a child who was asking 20 questions.
"Yes, Sayuri... we are going to spend Christmas together. Sasuke, you still haven't said a single word have you? I guess things never change." Kusagi chuckled.
"But... I think its getting worse. Sasu-kun has never said a word since he was three, except when he talks to me but that's when we are alone." Sayuri looked at her brother who didn't really seem to react to what they said about him.
Sasuke ran his hand over the cast covering his arm; frowning at the rough texture. He had no eye contact and couldn't say anything to Kusagi even though he wanted to. Sayuri wanted her brother to be able to talk more but had no idea how to get him to do that.
"You just have to give him some time, Sayuri. You and your brother have been through a lot and right now... I think its making him feel insecure." Kusagi explained to her. "I'm sure when you two enjoy a great Christmas that things will finally look up for the both of you." He nodded as Sayuri faked her smile and looked away.
"Sayu-chan, is there anything you want for Christmas?" Kusagi smiled as she looked up at him.
"I want to have a doll." Sayuri smiled as she fidgeted with her fingers. "I've always wanted to have a doll just like the ones that my great-grandmother used to collect." She looked up and giggled as Kusagi pulled into the driveway of their large mansion. "We're staying at this place?" Sayuri frowned as memories tried to play in her mind.
"Uh... yeah. This was where you two grow up until your parents moved out and we stayed there." Kusagi smiled at the two of them.
"But... but I don't... want to stay here..." Sayuri let the tears fall from her cheeks again. "We have so... so many bad... memories here..." She wiped her eyes before the cheeks dropped onto her black petticoat skirt.
"A lot of things have changed since you've moved away, Sayuri..." Kusagi opened the car door and let them out. "You won't even know it was the same place." He showed them inside when they noticed things seemed almost the same as when they moved.
"I don't like it here." Sayuri frowned until he took her upstairs to their old bedroom. "You kept our bedroom the same, Kusagi?" She was surprised as she watched Sasuke go inside and lay on the large king size bed.
"I'll leave you two alone, okay?" Kusagi closed the door while Sayuri next to her brother.
Sasuke sat up and smiled at his sister when she frowned. "Sayu-chan, what's wrong?" He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her as she looked at him and smiled. "You tell me everything, remember?" Sasuke looked at her with the usual distance in his dark brown eyes.
"I don't like this place... I... I feel it... everywhere... like... mom... and dad are... watching us... and... waiting for us... to... to screw up so... so they... can laugh..." Sayuri rubbed her arms as he pulled her closer until she started to sob.
"Sayu-chan... don't think like that! Mom and Dad are gone... they aren't here anymore and they can't hurt us anymore either." Sasuke hugged her tighter until letting go. "You have to keep smiling and being strong, okay?" He kissed her forehead and started pinching at her cheeks.
"No! Stop it..." Sayuri whined as she pushed her brother away. "You always go for my cheeks and you know I hate it when you do that!" She scowled until he started tickling at her sides."Ah! That's not fair!" Sayuri giggled as she climbed over the side of the bed and tried to get away.
"Hey, Sayu-chan... don't you think you're a little old for dolls?" Sasuke asked her as she looked over the bed towards her brother.
"What's wrong with wanting a doll? Dolls are really pretty." Sayuri giggled as she started jumping on their big bed and smiling.
"You've always had the mind of an eight year old, you know that?" Sasuke chuckled as she started to giggle at her brother.
"Maybe we can finally play in the snow together." Sayuri plopped onto the bed and bounced a bit on her bottom. "Our parents never let us have any fun and... I want to play!" She crossed her arms over her chest and started to pout.
"We don't even have any winter clothes. How do you expect us to play in the snow?" Sasuke frowned at his twin sister as she shrugged.
"Do you think this will really be a much better Christmas?" Sayuri asked her brother with a much more serious tone. "I don't feel like its Christmas... I've always felt like it was lost. I mean maybe... maybe its because I just don't know what it really is." She shrugged as he placed a hand against her knee.
"Neither of us know what the true meaning of Christmas is, Sayu-chan. We don't know the meaning of anything at this point." Sasuke sighed as he looked away from her and frowned.
"Yeah... but I want to learn more about Christmas. I want to find the magic of Christmas... we should both find what it really means!" Sayuri looked up and smiled as she started to giggle.
Sasuke nodded as he kissed her forehead and placed his hand on her head. The two of them were the best of friends and were completely inseparable. Sayuri didn't want to imagine what it would be like without her twin brother.
I had intentions to take a break because I spent so much time writing eight chapters for my story. Now... I'm having a hard time getting back into writing. I've been thinking of adding more supporting characters but I'm just having such a hard time.
I guess because I lost the concentration that I had the last time. Sometimes I can't stand having a combination of Autism and ADHD. It always seems to get in the way of things. But I could try taking a bath since that seems to help clear my mind some. I really want to get back on track with my story before I start jumping to more ideas. x.x
I notice when I write, I add a lot of emotional imagery yet I always fall at writing imagery that involves scenery. I wonder... if that's a bad thing... anyway... here is a rather LONG does of my writing. It's not the whole story but the emotional imagery that I am takling about...
Sayuri had no choice but to go with him to the hospital as he was taken by ambulance. The rest of them rode in the ambulance with paramedics until reaching the hospital. Sasuke was rushed in and placed on a respirator and IV fluids to keep him from getting worse.
"Excuse me but... is there anyway you can let Sayuri stay with her twin brother? It's really required they stay together because they can't be away from each other." Kusagi asked the girl at the front desk. "I think it would help a lot with Sasuke's recovery." He watched her get up and go into the other area and talk with the others nurse's and then come out.
"We don't allow having other people in ICU with the patients." The secretary had explained.
Sayuri started falling to the floor and sobbing when she couldn't see her brother. Her emotions started going completely astir as she clawed her arms and picked at her scars. Kusagi sighed as he went over to the lady and started explaining everything to her about the twins.
"You can't keep this twins apart. I mean sure, if you want to deal with this and also having him panic as well... and end up with an even <i>bigger</i> emergency, fine... but I'm not paying for her medical treatment." Kusagi shrugged. "I'm only trying to help understand the emotional issues they both suffer and realize that you just can't separate them." He told the nurse about Sayuri having an serious emotional disturbance, Post traumatic stress disorder and panic disorder.
"But... she's a minor. We can't allow minors, only an adult at her side and even then we only allow one person. I'm sorry but those are the rules." The secretary sat down at her desk as Sayuri started screaming and covering her head in a fetal position.
"Well, then I'm not going to stop her. I can't stop her because this is how she reacts." Kusagi watched as Sayuri screamed and sobbed louder into her legs; hugging them and wearing her brother's favorite jacket.
Sasuke's cat hoodie didn't make her feel any better as she wrapped herself inside of it and continued screaming and crying. Her fits were horrendous that even Kaimu couldn't calm her. Sayuri was eventually forced to be taken outside and that only increased her panic.
"You can't do this, you know. You are really neglecting the fact that Sayuri can't be without her brother and that's not making things better by kicking her out." Kusagi had to stay outside with her until she started panicking and losing her breath.
Sayuri hadn't taken her anti-anxiety meds because she had forgotten and they only helped a little. It was to the point where she was crying so much that her breath got shallow, her chest started hurting and she was coughing on the little air that wouldn't come out. Kusagi rushed her into the emergency room when she was finally placed next to her twin brother after passing out from the panic attack.
It's probably very poor and not worth your time so... yeah. It's the first time I've ever posted it among strangers but... eh...
So... I haven't been here in ages... hehe... sorry about that. I can't really find many places who support writiers. Anyway, I face a new problem now with Google Chrome not working here. It's so disorienting because being autistic, I like order and routine... and as if now, Opera is nothing near that when I have gotten so used to using Chrome.
Firefox kept freezing up and being difficult and meh... awful. I really don't want to end up going to Opera because I've tried Opera before and I nearly burst into tears because it confused me so much. I did make a post about this but it hasn't been answered and I'm starting to think that maybe people haven't had this problem and don't know what to do... OR I am missing something.
Annnnnyway, update on me... I have been working on a writing project for Christmas that involves a male and female set of twins names Sayuri and Sasuke Kuroneko. I'm quite proud of myself for keeping it going all this time and really working hard on it. It's the longest I've ever gotten so far. What's even better is that I've written eight chapters so far over 1000 words and I'm quite proud of myself.
But as if now, I am talking a break and working on the current development for my characters. I still haven't over come my current lack of self-confidence with my stories. People tell me I am really good but I still feel that my writing isn't that great. I just can't see how people find that good... when I feel like I'm not giving enough imagery. I feel like a failure every time I am writing and often times I feel like I just can't seem to overcome any of it.
But yeah... that's an update on me~
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