A small misfortune was withheld in the fruitful attempt to induce control in the thoughts of this unopininated souless mind. The excertion of force tuaght learning was implied with reverance...
A sickening gesture it was.This kind of behavior is all but unfamiliar, a mind which thinks in the language of selfish evils. A care for only one, a care for power over others. A message of hate announced in a speechless message, tyrants of hate announced through movment through action. Every step is another fall down the stairs of unimbigious intention. Fiery thoughts of twisted intent, malicious action towards merciful decent....
Cremations of a past life,
only recent to be reborn.
Hardships of pain and troubles of strife,
to the lord my soul has been sworn.
Darkness of evil's shadow my tracks,
uplifting my fears to faith.
Hoplessley praying to never turn back,
With jesus my sins will be safe.
Expectations held high. A more broad conceptual vision in my mind, of what i believe should be. A unique way of proccessing life. Why is it so hard to take these blinders off my eyes? Expectations will remain as they stand, a fruitless attempt in grasping a more lucid concept.
With these blinders arresting me of a real look at things, i am left with intuition and instinct. Turns out my eyes where just a distraction resulting in some misdirection. With blind eyes i am left to turn inward, looking inside myself, this is where the real truths sleep...
A precise omission of the most honest division,
minus the untruthful additions.
An equation to solve even the most decimal decision.
A geometrical puzzle of numbers, problems,
leaving unsolved mathematical collision.
Merely a Philosophical Astrology,
or perhaps myths, just your everyday superstitions.
It's not that i did not have the potential of being a good student, or that i did not want to be that student. To tell you the truth, i stayed out of trouble and received good marks from teachers up until about the 8th grade..
I can recall my first memory of "Drug Awarness", it could not have been any earlier than the 3rd or 4th grade and as i remember it i had no clue whatsoever what drugs where or why i needed to stay free of them. There is so much other stuff going on when your that age, its the first stepping stone into life. Those first elementry years are the years that stick with you for life. I can remember them like they never happened. As i grow older, the years of child hood fade away but i am still left with questions. What was 8 year old me thinking about everyday after he found out his father killed himself and that he would never see his dear ol' dad ever again. I know what it feels like to loose a parent at an early age, but at the same time i don't. The years following my fathers suicide just seem to be long periods of blank.
I can remember my mom sitting me down in her room and closing the door behind her. I recall thinking to myself that mommy looked sad and i wondered if maybe one of her friends was hurt or something. She proceeded into the room, taking a seat next to me on her bed. She put her hand on my knee and she said "Honey i have some bad news ok." Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she looked at me and smiled with pain in her eyes and she said "Honey, your dad has been going through a lot lately, and im afraid to to tell you that he is gone and won't be coming back again." Immediatly she lost it and broke down crying hystericly, she hugged me really tight and repeatidly agologized to me while sorta rocking back and forwarth. She did not have to tell me anymore than she had for me to understand
(Speaking of my strong hearted loving mother, she just called to see how i was doing. To say the least i told her thank you and said i would call later. Coinsidence or motherly intuition?)
Well, i understood that i didnt know why my dad always chose to get drunk and break promises to me. I didnt understand why i couldnt stay home with dad on sunday and drink beer and watch football while i was being drugg to church literally kicking and screaming by my mother. I didnt understand why mommy and daddy divorced, because they both told me that it wasnt because they didnt love eachother, i thought that's why they married and made me, why divorce then?
My dad had been suffering from manic-depression and severe alcoholism. Who knows what came first. Looking back onto his life as i know it, he spirolled downhill extremely fast after my mom told him she wanted a divorce. I don't blame her, he was being a total dick to her and when he hit her in front of me she blew a gasket, shes a strong beautiful women who is'nt afraid to stand up for herself...
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