A Big Smile on Her White Face

Her useless life is going over and over in her mind. There is not a single thing that will stop her from killing herself. The color of blood is beautiful to her. The smell of death is exciting to her. All she wants is to finish it. Just simply without any concerns.. finish it. She knows all this thoughts are childish, she knows that everything can be solved but she simply does not have the power. She has given up for over two years. No one to really talk to, no one who would love her. So she lost it… she lost herself and she doesn’t know how to get herself back.
As she looks at her past to find the signs or the mistakes, she cannot find anything. They are all vague to her… there is nothing specific that she can remember. All she remembers was trying to be the best. Trying to be loved, trying to be someone special. But she end up losing everything.
The hardest thing in life is standing up after a two year fall. Not even alcohol can drive the pain away. The more you drink the more obvious the pain becomes. There is nothing nothing that could stop her from what she want now. She just wants to end it.
People think hope is all someone need but sometimes hope makes you feel sick when you just go round and round in the same loop. All she wants is friends and happiness but she never can get it. She has to be someone else … why can’t she just be who she is. Why does she care so much about what other people say? Why is she so afraid?
From the beginning she always knew something was different about her… something simply just didn’t add up. Something was missing. Why was she always so sad even when she was at the top, or what they called the top. In all her dreams , the perfect picture was the faces of people being amazed by her.. not her face … everything was about what other people thought… how sad… what a sad life… the saddest life is living for others.. living in the shadows of others whispering..
Oh she knew her life was sad… she tried to come out of it... but there was no way to get out. All the doors were CLOSED… so she cut it… blood rushed out of her vein.. floor was black .. blood everywhere.. her notes all over the floor.. “mom and dad it was not your fault ”..”I just could not bear these feelings anymore”…”it had to be done” and in moment a life was gone .. maybe a sad life but a life .. everything was back to normal except a big smile on her white face..