Because I am afraid of being an enabler
I was really upset this evening. Mainly about things I know will not change. I find myself crying constantly for 40 minutes and not understanding why. I think and think, what is it that I am crying over.. and then, admist the swollen red eyes and used tissues, I realise I am crying over my Mum. It never occurred to me, but I was crying for so long because I had no one to comfort me, to sit with me and to hold me and ask what was wrong. I've become so used to having someone permanent in the household that I can rely on for consoling, that inspite of their absence, I still subconsciously think they're here. The realisation itself seemed to worsen the way I was feeling, but at the same time it shocked me into accepting that no matter how hard I cry, no matter the duration, no one is going to suddenly show up at my door step and make everything better again. This is not to say I am completely void of support, afterall I did the most of this crying over the phone to my boyfriend. He did offer to come over, but I told him not to. Whilst it would be magnificent to see his gorgeous self, he has work in the morning and the drive from my house to his can be as long as an hour in peak traffic (I also worry that he wouldn't get ample sleep and it would exacerbate his epilepsy). He said he was worried about me, but in the end I realized I can't enable myself to get into situations where I am so upset I feel as if only one person will be able to make me feel better. Eventually, I was able to reduce my rapid-like tears to a soft stream and my voice to be coherent enough to tell him I loved him.
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