It's a god damned conspiracy! Someone is knocking off celebrities! First, there was Ed. Then Mrs. Fawcett and the MJ. Now Billy Mays has kicked the bucket! But the question is who? Who would have the motivation to wreak such havoc on almost forgotten names? Who would want to destroy my joyous, late-night, scream-filled infomercials?
When I started my investigation I went through the usual suspects. Aliens? No, they would have just cloned the celebrities and made them touring spokespersons for NASA. They need money!
Republicans? The shadow organization would have ample motive to whack Jack, being a homo/pop music star/ powerful and black. Farrah too, seeing as how they have a puritanical phobia of nipples, sexiness, and sex in general. But Billy Mays?!? A bastion of late night capitalism? No, no they wouldn't DARE. And that still leaves Mr. McMahon, a decorated war hero and avid capitalist himself. No, the Republicans couldn't have done this. Especially not in their current state of disarray, maybe in their prime, not now.
So my two biggest suspects down, who else? The Devil was another suspect but his realness was called into question and I couldn't find substantial evidence of him existing, much less orchestrating an elaborate plot of conspiracy and murder.
The Devil's investigation had a paper trail veering off in another direction. God. The Big Man/Woman/Six-Armed Lady Demon had some serious evidence pointing towards It. Unfortunately, when given a subpoena It failed to show up for court. There is currently a warrant for the arrest of God, but unrelated to the mysterious Celeb Killer.
I was thoroughly stumped. Who could have done it? I was not going to let this case go unsolved! Not one more celebrity would die on my watch! I decided to hit the books and study as maybe the past could shine some light on this matter of grave importance.
First, I looked at similar cases. There is also another serial killer running rampant in America, this one I dubbed the the Opportunistic Killer. This bastard is extremely vicious, generally attacking old people, infants, drunk drivers, smokers, drug abusers, and cancer patients. Can you believe it! He's sick! Just f***ing sick! And this is the worst part... he murders over 37 million people each year. In the US of A alone. That sick son-of-a-bitch!
I started noticing some trends between the Celeb Killer and the Opportunistic Killer. First of all, they both like old people and cancer patients. Hmm. Next, they both enjoy snuffing out the sickly with hectic life styles. Strange. These strange coincidences led me to hypothesize that the two killers were in fact one. Everything except Billy Mays. Billy Mays' only connection to the case was that he was a celebrity.
Everything was starting to unravel! I was pulling out my hair and freebasing Metamucil like there was no tomorrow because, hell, with two serial killers on the loose there very well couldn't be! I had to find a connection. I KNEW the two killers were actually one! I just needed probable cause! I decided to watch a Billy Mays OxiClean infomercial marathon to try and find a connection between him and the other 37 million victims of the Opportunistic Killer.
OXICLEAN! OXICLEAN! BUY F@%&ING OXICLEAN! Something was starting to dawn on me. After the fifth bottle Mountain Dew (or MTNDEW as the new cans say...EXTREME!) laced with chocolate ExLax (I do my best thinking while the worst is coming out of me), I had a stunning revelation! Billy Mays is either a drunk or a cocaine addict, most likely both. Why else would he scream all the time! Why would he be so damn happy with a life of 4am infamy? It had to be something and I put my money on drugs. There was the connection! I immediately rushed down to the local library to look into how the Opportunistic Killer claimed his victims.
"Reading" through many notable "medicine journals", (meaning looking a pictures in kids books) I discovered something unnerving. WE ALL DIE!!!!1!!1! What I discovered after that shook me to the bone. This next sentence my not be for the weak of constitution. The Opportunistic Killer is... our own body. It's ok, I cried when I first heard it too. In fact, only .043 people per every 1,000 die of murder every year in the US of A. It must suck to be a midget at a mall.
In conclusion, I did it! I unraveled the mischievous plot to destroy every one. I call it Death and out own Body is the killer. It's sick I tell you! EVERYONE PANIC!
(If you read this far, you are a trooper and thanks! Show me your thoughts by leaving a comment! Tell me if you love and worship me or just think I'm some asshole hack, I'm not here to censor you!)
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