This blog has talk of suicide. I wanted to warn you guys about what I have posted first.
Depression. How many people have truly gone through, battled and are trying to overcome depression.
The feeling of being so lost, so alone is horrible. To wish that you never wake up. To wish that you had the guts to grabe the knife and slice it across your skin. To see the blood flow and to finally end it.
I battled depression for roughly three years. I am getting better now, but I still have my bad days. It kicked off when I met a man. A man that was drunk pretty much 24/7 and liked to play mindgames. He mentally abused me, made me do things that I refuse to talk about specifically. Escpecially here. He pinned me for being gullible and I was. I didn't want to be alone. I was lonley and wanted someone and he payed me attention.
This guy also was delusional to the point where he thought he fought in the second world war, (he was 38, and yes, very much older than me but not THAT old), he figured himself to be watched by Intelligence agencies and said that he was one of them and would recruit me if I wanted. There are others but it's too rediculous to mention.
One day, he was trying to get me to sing for him while he played a guitar and I hate being forced to sing out loud. I am painfully shy sometimes and don't like singing in front of other people, most of the time. And it clicked within me. I stood up and said No. I left him and refused to go back.
A few months later, I think, I was at my friends parents house (BBQ, DRINKS etc.) and I was quite drunk. I then got angry. I decided that I was going to go and murder this guy that had taken advantage of me. I was going to go back to my flat, grab a knife then knock on his door and shove it through his throat.
Luckily my friend, her parnter and mother all stopped me and I brokedown on their front lawn. I had finally filled up my emotional bottle and overflowed, causing me to have a nervous breakdown.
I was lucky to have my friends there with me because I probably would of done something that I would of regretted.
So here comes the depression. Suicidal. Black hole of emotional dispair. So please do not judge if you have never felt like this.
I went to a doctor about my depression. And while I sobbed my heart out he looked at his watch and said that I should of made a double appointment. He mentioned somethign about counciling but he looked bored. I was devistated and never went back to another doctor. I wasn't ever clinicly diognosed but I knew that what I was feeling wasn't right so I battled on.
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Phew! This is taken quite a bit hasn't it! Well, I shall post a sequal to my annoyingly long tale..Thankyou for sticking around to read this, and no, I'm not trying to get sympathy. I am telling you my story. And this is the only blog I have. I will continue on in another post with how I overcame depression..
Oh geeze, I belong on Dr. Phill or Oprah!
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