First draft to second draft

Published by KRHolbrook in the blog KRHolbrook's musings. Views: 129

My first three chapters are complete, and now it's time for me to fix them all up in order to throw them into a contest, which has a deadline for entries in less than a month (erk!).

The prologue is pretty much a final draft at this point, so it's onward to chapter one! My rough draft version started out with the first paragraph below.

**

It’s the fourth time they’ve watched the woman shoot the zombie, nudge it with her high heel when it collapses. No surprise she keeps dying, Raiven thinks, twirling an unlit cigarette between her fingers. The room holds a silent tension and smells of buttered popcorn, a hint of burnt kernels staining the air. The snacks had been eaten two movies ago, empty bottles of soda litter the coffee table in disregard. When the woman goes down with a scream, Dale Baxter’s enthusiasm breaks the silence.

**

After figuring out what the heck was wrong with that paragraph thanks to several critiquers, I've fixed it up. It initially should be three paragraphs, not all in one, despite in my head it was everything that Raiven was noticing. Plus of course there was the whole woman screaming that broke the silence, not Dale.

But anyway, I changed everything around to fit below.

**

It’s the fourth time the nameless woman in Zombieland cautiously approaches the zombie she’d shot down. No surprise she keeps dying, Raiven thinks, twirling an unlit cigarette between her fingers. She sighs, a deep inhalation smelling of buttered popcorn and burnt kernels. Her stomach growls; it’s been hours since she’s eaten or moved from her spot on the floor. Five cans of soda have her bladder almost at full capacity. She shuts her eyes, presses her forehead to the carpet. Damn this dare.

**

Much better, in my opinion, compared to the first one. I'm going to be having some fun with this, but man I hope I don't slack on the whole deadline thing!
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