I don't like to talk to people about it. I just end up vulnerable. I hate feeling that someone has gotten too close to see who I really am.
I have borderline personality disorder. My dream is to become a psychotherapist because then I get to help people who are the way I am. But it's going to be a hard task, if I can't even help myself. I have this annoying tendency to latch onto a person, putting them on a pedestal and looking up to them in such a way that when they don't respond the way I want them to, I lash out. I end up feeling hurt and making myself into a victim. I know I'm not a victim. And I know what I'm doing while I'm doing it; i.e. fighting with my boyfriend or friends over something so small. But for some reason, I can't stop myself. I've spent a good portion of my life pushing people away. I push because I want them to push back. I want to feel that I'm worth fighting for. Even when they do fight back, I'm still not happy. I'm never happy. I want to be happy with myself and I want to have faith in myself to feel that I'm worth a crap. But for some reason the only time I feel like worthy, is when people have to reassure me. It annoys the hell out of me.
I've lost some amazing friends. And I wish more than anything, to be friends with them again, but I missed that chance. I ruined it.
I don't know. I don't want pity. I don't want to make excuses for myself... because I had a pretty good upbringing. Yeah, my father was a drunk, my mom went in and out of surgery due to her weight, I had friends who preferred my sister's presence over mine, and I had a brother who sold drugs from the basement. And yeah, my mom, sister and brother never missed an opportunity to tell me that I would grow up without friends because I have no sense of humor and a horrible personality.
But people go through worse. I feel selfish for being depressed over something that I can fix. There are people out in the world, fighting for this country and actually making a difference and I'm upset because things don't go my way. I really am a pretty pathetic person. I hate people like me.
I don't know. I just needed to rant.
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