That is not only an allusion to my new favorite/mainstay song by Linkin Park- it also titles my latest observation in life.
See, I try to live a good life, I've never done anything illegal, I work hard at most everything I do- but I can never shake this nagging feeling that, if I were to die tomorrow, there would be only a handful of people that would remember the person that is me ten years afterwards. It's not so much a rant of a depressed person- I've been counseled and declared "too aware of the emotions around" me- so much as yet one more sign that I am a loner. I cannot say that I have any true, tangible friends. And, what's worst, I am used to it...very used to it.
On this website, I am happy to say that there are people that I can see actually care and all, but I am really just an avatar with a literary voice- a Vomvo with a smart-assed attitude- you all haven't seen each of the facets that I have, and you can ask my mother, I have a great many facets.
What's worse than that other worse is that the problem is who I am- I am so eclectic that it's too hard to read me and pin me. I am passive agressive yet assertive. Assertive, yet I am submissive. Strong willed and minded, yet I can be swayed. I am an overachiveing procrastinator. I am what happens when you take a blue sky and give it a tornado to play with- if that doesn't make sense, then you fully understand what I've just said. I don't even understand me.
Yeah, yeah, I'm only sixteen I've "my whole life ahead" of me. That's not good enough, I want to know, really be able to tell. I was always the "that kid's going places" kid, but never the person they knew was headed somewhere specific. I've been asked to fill my own shoes- that is so much harder than you'd think. I don't know what size they are, what style, what purpose they serve....they're a concept in somebody's mind, but theyre supposed to be my Glass Slippers, only I can fit them, if only I could find them...and I can't be trusted with glass...
I already know that many people will not miss me, in fact, they will forget me- I wholy accept that, but I just wish I could count on more than one hand the number of non-relatives' lives I have impacted in a good way...I want to know that there is somebody out there that can think of my name and smile, even if I am not always doing so. That feeling is the best in the world to me- I would live a thousand lives' deppressions if it meant that one person never had to see even a bittersweet one.
A long time ago, I decided that life is simply a series of detours, there is only one place you'll ever end up when you die, and it's already waiting for you, it's all a matter of what choices you've made and steps have you taken to arrive there. Sometimes the scenic route is better than the short-cut, and sometimes we are meant to dissappoint yourself a thousand times over before you finally find yourself the victor. As much as it hurts, I won't win every battle, but I'm telling you all now, I'll be damned if I lose the war- whether I fight it alone or not, I will be damned I lose my war.
Paz, and may your words flow and your keys never strike back.
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