Missing my Boys. A Message from the heart.
So on May 14th I accepted a job in San Diego, California. This job would in theory, make me happy enough with my choice in future career path(s) that I couldn’t resist. My husband and dear friend, Chris, is completely on board with the decision and backs me 100%. So I left my job in Austin, Texas, to take this job, 19 hours away and back in my own home town, leaving behind my son, my husband, all that I hold dear. In the time it took to drive to San Diego I recognized and rejected the taste of sacrifice.
Not every parent, but for the most part, most parents have to face sacrifice to some extent. This trip made me realize I didn’t know what Sacrifice was until this job opportunity. Sure my husband will be away from his family, out from under the control of his overbearing and controlling mother, and I would be back to my roots- inevitably making us happier in our circumstances to be allowed the freedom to appreciate our happiness in each other. Our problem, to date, has been focusing so much on our financial and physical issues that we lost sight of the fact that we are together, still, and in love with each other, still, and have a beautiful, happy and healthy son. There isn’t much more on this planet that could make us happier- except freedom from debt. And this job, served up on a silver platter, offers a portion of the debt-free feeling that would encourage our emotional health. Who am I to turn down such an opportunity?
Being away from my 3 year old, away from my husband of 4 years- my lover of nearly 4.5- the guy I’ve had eyes on for 5 years now- creates in me a sadness I didn’t think would be tenable without the loss of a dearly loved family member. Each day I find myself thinking “Colton would love this!” or “Chris would laugh at this, too!” and it takes everything in me to not lose control, to not burst into tears and give in to the ever-increasing feelings of depression and loneliness. Being away from the source of your happiness and love, being away from those that make you feel whole though sometimes a bit crazy and eccentric, creates a chasm of the deepest loss, the deepest and most sincere ache in your heart it is difficult to just deal with it- let alone handle it.
My son, our son, Colton is the light of my life. He is funny, he is social and curious. He finds joy in fast and adrenaline-inducing activities. He is a soccer champ, a lover of butterflies, and loves to play in the mud and water puddles after a good raining. He can joke with you just as fast as he can yell and get frustrated and throw a tantrum. He is a victim of his emotions and he is all the funnier for it. Chris is my exact opposite- a Type B to my Type A, and sometimes vice versa. When I am with Chris I feel a certain sense of responsibility mixed with a wholly encompassing sense of security and surety. With Chris I know where I stand: I know how he sees me and I know how much he loves me. There is little on this planet that could make me feel otherwise.
I’ve officially been separated from Chris and Colton for 6 weeks and each day now my heart finds a way to be smaller, colder, harder and less capable of containing my agony. I miss waking up to the sounds of Colton getting dressed, to fixing him breakfast and talking to him over his favorite meals. I miss spinning him in circles and listening to him retell his days events in a rushed and stuttering baby-on-the-cusp-of-boy voice. I miss my husband; the way he’d kiss the back of my neck and massage my shoulders after a stressful day. The way he smells when he lays down to sleep; a special blend of cologne, deodorant, and cigarettes. And the way his hands feel when he seeks out my hip to hold and my back to cuddle. If there was anyone who ever said they didn’t miss their family has never known true love, or has ever felt the love that comes from being loved by your child and the person who helped you make them.
To Chris, my love and the sole reason I have Colton: You are my universe, still, forever and always baby. To Colton, the light of my life and the reason I work so damned hard: I hope to goodness you stay sweet and generous with your love. To the men who make my life worth living: I miss you like crazy and I can’t wait for August 1st!
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