"Turn left here... and crash into a freakin wall..."
So I find myself getting to the point where I'm feeling better about losing my ex. I'm feeling better about my new home and the new friends I've come to live with. I'm feeling as though I've splashed some cool water on my face and taken a deep breath. The night before last, I layed in bed and prayed to God to bring peace over me and keep my mind on the right track.
Then, amongst that peace and all the good things I've got going for me (my promotion, my friends, my freedom) I find out yesterday morning...
I'm 4 weeks pregnant with his baby.
I feel as though, out of all the bull**** that's happened in my life... I'm pretty shook up because... I feel as though, for the first time in my life, maybe there really isn't fate and I guess God does test people to make them stronger but... why on Earth would he feel it necessary to give me this test?
Now, of all times, especially?
I'm more angry now than I can ever remember being... I'm hurt, I'm emotional, I'm in every kind of pain and my ex is... probably spending his time getting high and drinking.
So... I'm afraid of him and his psycho bitch mother, I'm afraid to contact them... I don't even know if I'm going to keep this kid. I don't want to be one of those white trash, single moms on welfare because I couldn't bring myself to get an abortion.
It's not fair. It's not ****ing fair that every girl friend of mine gets a loving doting man and I get... a man whose fault it is that I'm in this situation.
And what's most messed up about all of this is that every other guy I've ever slept with would step up and be a man. And I've never loved any of them as much as I love my 'baby daddy' I guess you could say, and he's the only one that wouldn't step up and be a man about it.
"It's not mine... blah blah blah" He'll tell me to go through my pregnancy (which is his fault in the first place) alone and when it's born, he'll get a paternity test done then. Then his jerk ass will try and take me to court for custody.
So, where's God now? Where's God when after my whole crappy life, this is now exactly what I'm faced with... shame or welfare? I'm a spiritual person and even after all the bad bull****, I've still always believed in him and his plan, and now suddenly, once again, I'm the one who has to make this ****ty decision. Not my ex, not God, not my super religious sister who's trying to guilt me into keeping it even though I only make $12 an hour.... me.
I have to do this now... I have a ****ing kid in my body. A kid whose father I don't want it to look like. A kid whose dad I don't want to see or even hear his voice, I'm so angry with him.
And I have a dilemma that beer and partying can't fix and no one can help me because this is soley my decision and...
I'm so pissed off at the world right now I could just puke.
Everyone just... gets their way. There's so many spoiled brats in this world... I don't even have parents.
Why EVERYthing?? Why why why? Why is this even a question I have to ask?
I'm sick of life's little curve balls. I'm sick of spoiled brat attitudes, I'm sick of diva bitches and arrogant assholes, I'm sick of everything I've seen this world display in the past 21 years.
I've had it... and there's nothing I can do.
Jesus ****in Christ
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