Right now, things aren't going so hot for me.
I feel annoyed, upset, agitated by my actions, by people. I'm not even halfway through the day and already I ache on the inside.
My morning started alright. Last night I had a hysterical fit during some severe lightning storms. I'm terrified of lightning; it scares the flesh right off my bones.
In the middle of my panic attack as the sky lit up, I called Mike. He calmed me down with few words, but we had to hang up shortly because he had dinner. Sigh.
This morning I saw him, smiled, and felt better once I saw he was improving health-wise with his disease. He sounded much more like his usual self instead of the raspy voice I'd known for the past two weeks.
I saw little of him during the day; between classes, hi's in the halls, the usual.
Feeling lucky, I took it upon myself to gather my courage and ask him to go golfing with me.
We stopped just short of the stairs where I'd be heading. Mike leaned on one side, his backpack slung on one shoulder. I drew myself up, messenger bag bouncing against my thigh.
"Hey, I wanted to ask you something," I started, holding tightly to my confidence.
"I was wondering if, not this Saturday, but next Saturday, if you wanted to go mini-golfing with me."
There was a pause. My confidence evaporated before my very eyes.
I laughed, trying to dispel the silence. "Well, I mean, if the weather's nice. Obviously if it's raining or hailing I'm going to call it off."
He looked at me. I couldn't read the expression in his eyes, heck, I didn't even think to try and read the expression. "Can we bring other people?"
That knocked me off my pedestal. If I'd been neutral before on my confidence level, now I was somewhere in the fifth ring of hell. Barefoot.
I looked to the ground, shuffling one of my feet. "I didn't want to bring other people."
More silence. I looked up, watching his mouth open to say something, when the bell rang. He closed his mouth, leaving me hanging.
"Go to class, you're late." He placed his hands on my shoulders, trying to steer me.
No, wait, I wanna know the answer. Mike!" I protested. He spun me around, looking at me for an unmeasured moment.
"Later, okay? I promise." His voice had gone soft, gentle. Against every voice in my head, I nodded, waved goodbye and bounded up the steps.
That already had me on edge, so when I told my friend Debbie about his behavior at lunch, hoping for confirmation on something, anything, I got nothing.
"He's not interested in you." She stated simply, right after I finished talking.
I haven't spoken since. My chest aches; I feel like there's millions of little needles jabbing me in the heart, watching my squirm. She was his ex-girlfriend before I dated him, so she should know him, but when I asked her about their tender moments in comparison to mine, hers weren't even close. Not a chance.
I don't know what I'm doing right now. I want to grab him and hold him close, never let him go. But part of me feels that Debbie could be right; he could not be into me. Then what about those kisses? Those charming smiles? The tender hugs he doesn't give everyone else, not even his closest friends?
They don't know him at all, none of them do. But the question is; do I know him at all, too?
I hope I do.
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