I Need Some Help

I get sad and lonely a bunch. Sometimes it goes away, but other times it gets too much and I get really sad. I've never been on a date, kissed a girl before or had sex. When I was going to a 4 year college I got phone numbers and shit, but they would give me fake numbers or hang up on me. I got stood up a few times too. In high school people pretended to like me only to embarrass me in front of others. I tried dating sites in the past, but they didn't do anything. I downloaded Tinder two weeks ago when an ex-friend suggested it to me and I never got any matches. I feel like because I'm crosseyed I can't ever get that basic human desire. You see how it is on tv. People that look like me are jokes in shows and movies. I asked my mom if there's something wrong with me and she couldn't give me any advice.

I'm just really frustrated and sad.

 

You haven't crossed paths with right person yet, that's all. While you wait for that person, keep developing your interests and hobbies. Who knows, maybe one of those will lead you to the right person.

 

My advice would be to find some activities that aren't primarily about dating. Book clubs, writing groups, cooking lessons, volunteering at the library. Activities where the first thought isn't, "Would I want to date him or her?" but instead, "I wonder what he/she thought about the book?"

Edited to add:

TV is not, in any way, reality. Ignore how things are on TV

 

I'm actually engaged in a black entrepreneurship. I used to play video games competitively a few years ago until that stopped. Don't have time to do anything else as I'm working and trying to work on my own projects, but I don't think it's entirely true that TV doesn't reflect life at all since people shape their material from real life and like in those programs I did get made fun of a lot for looking the way I do and when I've seen stand up comedy comedians would make jokes about crosseyed people sometimes. In college one time a couple of girls were whispering behind me that his eyes creep me out and they moved somewhere else. Most people look behind them and think I'm talking to someone else when I'm talk to them too, which sometimes makes me want to punch them, but I don't.

That really sounds like non-advice. How long do I wait? It sort of pissed me off when my friend told me for people like you I bet you won't get a girlfriend til you're in your 30s and I don't want to prove him right, I want to prove him wrong just like all those people in the past who told me I couldn't get anywhere with my writing. He doesn't dictate when I get a girlfriend, I do!

 

This is really not very polite.

 

First off, I'm horrible at staying in a relationship, but I have a lot of experience with both starting and ending them. My advice is, don't actively look like you're trying to find someone. It can be a pretty big turn off. Instead, be cheerful and amicable to people. If you don't know how already, learn to flirt and make sure you know how to tell when it's not working within a margin of error of like 3 words. Any more than that and it comes off as creepy and over bearing. Know how to dress appropriately for different social situations. Definitely go for tailored suits instead of off the rack if you can afford it and even when you're dressing down, make sure your clothes fit properly and have clean runners. practice proper hygiene and if you use scents, use them sparingly and spring for something a little more expensive than English Leather. Stubble has been scientifically proven to be the sexiest amount of facial hair possible (I'm assuming you're male, feel free to correct me). Most girls dig on some sort of moderate facial scar. Smile. Be polite. Talk about whatever they want to talk about and if it's something you want to talk about, too, that's even better. Being condescending is a bad thing. Don't stare at their boobs unless they've given you permission. Forget High School. Be happy with yourself first, confidence is a huge turn on. Try not to worry about any imperfections you think you have. Doing that only draws attention to them. Text, don't ring. No dick pics until requested. Your mother probably isn't the best person to ask for dating advice. And finally, even if someone doesn't want a romantic relationship, try and keep the option open for a platonic friendship. Girls are pretty good at picking up on whether someone just wants to do stuff with them or actually values them as a person and you might actually gain a really good friend that can possibly help you with this stuff better than an online writing forum might. Good luck.

 

There's a doublthink problem involved. You have to NOT think about getting a relationship (not "to get a relationship" but rather) to become cool. Somehow. Somehow.
It's a damn alchemy. Nobody really knows how it works. But the truth is once you become cool, and really into something, and really serious and passionate about
other things in life, say, set oneself a goal (travel, work abroad, study some language,...travel), things, again, somehow, start to happen. Or not. Who knows really.
The thing is, how do you become cool/easy-going/self-confident when you haven't had all these perks and benefits you long for? Well, that's the double think.
You somehow have to bypass these perks, even though they DO contribute to coolness, hands down. I would say, make yourself busy doing worthwhile projects and
pursuing goals in life. Also, as to the dating and debacles thereof, adopt the "It's fine" attitude. Wanna go out with me? Fine. Don't? Fine. Everything's fine.
In the beginning you may just be lying to yourself about it. But you wanna hit the bullseye. You gotta shoot. And not just one arrow. Tons. After a number arrows when
you don't even hit the target you start to take it easier. Imagine someone shooting for the first time and being let down by the fact that they didn't hit the bullseye. What the
hell did they expect. I hate to say it but there IS certain amount of experience in relationships (or in failing to find one), like, you really start to take it less seriously
(although it IS a serious business, I know). One last thing: the great deceiver of this world wants you to think that this state will never change. You know. Fuck that.
One moment you're enjoying your tea in your lovely flat, caressing your cat in the lap when all of a sudden the ceiling pins you to the ground. And you're lucky if you're
dead. Or else you might win a million in the jackpots. Things change. Never forget that. For better or worse. Adopt that mindset, it's the mindset of eternity.

 

Well, this wasn't overly polite either. Maybe you should ditch such a friend.

 

Don't get a girlfriend just to prove your friend wrong.

Do it because you've met somebody you like.

As has been mentioned, take a pinch of salt with what you believe about TV.

Also, as has been mentioned, don't TRY to date; do things you enjoy where you might meet somebody (you never know what that might be, I met my wife playing chess) so that the first thing she hears from your mouth is you being passionate about something you enjoy.

Smile. Not grinning like an idiot, but always seeing the funny side of things.

 

Yes please.

 

Focus on the things that make you happy. Being lonely can be
a real bitter sweet bitch, but not all the time. Join a group of
similar interests to yours, and/or take up a hobby (hobbies).

Hell in the past couple of weeks I have poured a few coins into
my personal interests, since selling my drum set. It has given
me a chance to be me, and not give a damn about what anyone
else thinks about it. Also get some more books (which my reading
stack is already 10 miles high).

Point is do you, and love yourself. It takes time to know yourself,
and not worry about things so much. Love is a great feeling to share
with someone, but it hurts like hell when its gone. So don't rush
yourself into being in a relationship. It will happen when it happens.
Be patient and take care of numero uno first.

Take it easy.

 

I don't know how it's rushing when I'm this old. That's like the opposite.

I'm just not the humorous type ain't no way in hell I'm going to find everything funny. I don't know where you got I just want one to prove him wrong when that wasn't mentioned at all and this has been an issue before I met that racist bigot. I'm just trying to fuck. I have needs too.

So is the black entreprenurship and the fgc not enough? You really don't think people like me don't factor into attractiveness after I just said how the majority treat me on my day to day basis. L

I stopped talking to that bigot within the last year. He called me earlier this year, but I didn't really want to, but did it anyway probably because no one else calls me. The stuff he says about black people and women ticked me off.

 

That doesn't mean just. Just indicates only and I opened with my other reasons. That's just a bonus.

 

I have no idea what this even is.

If that's all you're looking for, I'm sure there are a few girls in the back pages that could take care of that for you. An hour with them is probably cheaper than romancing someone for a few weeks to get the same effect. And if it's your first time, you're not even going to need the full hour. Probably less likely to awkwardly bump into them at a Christmas party afterwards, too.

 

fgc = female genital cutting (I had to Google it too...it's female genital mutilation = fgm in the UK)

Black entrepreneurship = black people supporting black people to help them create a business (I think).

TBH, I'm not sure why @S-wo feels the need to specify it's a black entrepreneurship...he's just working hard in his business.

I'd support @The Dapper Hooligan in his suggestion that the back pages could be more cost-effective.

What troubles me is your apparent dual standard...while your racist bigot friend ticked you off with "stuff he says about...women", you started this thread with being "sad and lonely a bunch", but now you're down and dirty with "just trying to fuck".

Try to be a friend to a girl before you try for the full nine yards. I met my wife at something as nerdy as chess...and her first impression of me was that I was arrogant. 40 odd years later and we're still best friends.

1/ Nobody's suggesting that you find everything funny. But do lighten up a little. The way you're coming across here is that you've got a chip on your shoulder the size of El Capitan. You're angry, and perhaps with good cause. But being angry is not the most attractive quality; it may be useful in confrontation situations, where you want the other guy to believe you're tougher than him. It won't serve you as well as a default attitude.

2/ I don't know why this guy called you; if he's a racist bigot, then why would he want to call a black guy? But my emphasis is on YOUR perception; that's you feeling sorry for yourself - another unattractive quality.

As far as your comment about a couple of girls commenting how your eyes creep them out...seriously, you're better off without them. I'm sure you've got lots of positive features (I don't know you well enough to identify them - largely because what you've shown so far is your negative features)...major on those. And steer clear of the pretty girls - the cool kids - who'll judge you on something as shallow as how you look; look for a girl who'll see the good you underneath.

Does this resonate?

 

What? No. That's really awful. Not a good activity for someone looking to have sex. That's my opinion.

@S-wo -- Try not to be sad. Or try to hold onto the things that give you a break from sadness. Writing is probably one of those things for you. So write. A lot. If you're any good, hopefully it leads to tons of publishing and girlfriends for you. Let's face it, writers are just sexy regardless of what they look like. We all (most) have problems that we think make us less attractive. And you are far from the only lonely person in the world. I don't agree with the advice that love happens when you're not looking for it. I think it's okay and even good to put yourself out there and look for what you want. There is someone who feels the same way you do right now hoping someone finds them.

I used to write at Starbucks a few days a week. I became a regular. After a month or two, one of the workers started giving me free coffee and we would chat. I definitely mentioned the writer thing right away. Then we actually dated. So, maybe take your laptop and go write in Starbucks or some other coffee shop near you. Almost everyone drinks coffee. And like I said, writers are sexy so tell as many people as you can that you're working on a novel or whatever it is you write.

Also, it sounds like you know sadness and loneliness on a deep and personal level. Though I wish this wasn't true for you or anyone, you can really use this in your writing. I just mean that it could really help when it comes to fleshing out characters and making them feel real. I bet you're real good at that.

Hang in there. You're in your 20s, and in the big picture that's a lot younger than it seems to you right now. I had a long standing rule since my early 30s that I wouldn't date anyone under 30. I'm not saying it will take you that long to get a girlfriend. I actually don't think it will at all. Just try not to be sad or down on yourself. Sometimes that shows even if we don't want it to. Focus on what makes you a good catch.

 

Start or join a writers group.
I did, and I am the only guy
in the group. But I am not there
to date, but anything can happen.
I am somewhat socially awkward
until I get comfortable around people.
It is a good way to work on being with
other people that share your interest,
and work on your conversational skills.
Just try and put your best foot forward,
and let things fall where they may.

 

It might be too purposeful and businesslike. You might need an activity that's more casual and leisurely, where you can get to know people as people in a context that has less agenda. Hence my suggestion of a book club.

 

S-wo, I'm afraid to ask about the fgc part.

But I've gone through life never having gotten the girl and I'm doing okay. I've had many female platonic friends over the years, and I'm leaving a few of them at my former forum(actually, I'm keeping in touch with a couple via E-mail and Facebook). Anyway, after a while, you get to the point when you realize you don't really need a girlfriend when you have close friends. You may not get much in the way of sex (all I wanted was for someone to love me really), but you may get love in different ways that matter much more in the long run.

And if you have to wait until you're thirty, well, when you're my age (I'm 55), you realize your thirties come a lot faster than you can imagine when you're younger.

 

I agree. The best part of any relationship is the whole thing happening between you and them. It's all the little things and the moment sharing. Sure sex is fun, but it's honestly over rated. TV and movies make it out to be this insane life changing thing, but in reality it's more like smoking weed. Nice, but pretty much all it does is keep you occupied for 20 minutes and makes you want to go get a snack and fall asleep after. If you want that mind blowing, body numbing, world changing sensation movies keep telling us sex is all about, try heroine. Not that I endorse or condone such things.