if you'd asked me a year ago where i saw my life going, i could have given you a definitive answer. if you'd asked me six months ago it would have been a completely different definitive answer, but now i'm not so sure.
i don't know what to do without you. on one hand, i should probably just move on. he's waiting for me, and hes regaining his trust, and i know he cares about me, but when i think about you its just not the right relationship for me. on the other hand, i've never met anyone that i get along with and care about so easily, like it was just meant to be.
i think about you and you are everything that i want. everything that i've always wanted. you were supposed to hang out with kevin today, and you were supposed to get my number to call me because you apparently missed me so much, but its two in the morning and i've been waiting for a phone call that never came. i get that its snowing like crazy outside, and that you might not have even got to his house, but somehow, some way, it feels like if you really wanted to talk to me you would have.
its starting to get overwhelming. i don't know how to act when i'm around him. i want to play nice, and have an actual relationship with him, partly because i really do care about him and partly because of the guilt i feel for loving you so much, knowing how badly i would crush him, again, into pieces if he knew. the other half of me just wants to tell him whats going on because even though it would end our relationship, the guilt i feel is unbearable.
i've been imagining seeing you for over a week now. i want to see your face. i want to hold you and i want you to wrap your arms around me again like you're never going to let go. it's starting to feel like none of it ever happened and that it was all just some crazy dream.
i just need that one phone call to make it all better.
on other notes, to anyone who happens to read this, i'm extremely drunk, so this might not make much sense to you and the grammar might be a little off. . aaand i finally decided on the quote i want for my next tattoo. "we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars." i love it. i don't know how i never thought of getting that before.
i haven't felt this empty in a very long time. it's like a huge void just opened up inside of me and i don't know how i'll ever be ale to fill it. my life will never be the same. it's amazing, and scary at the same time, how someone could have such a strong impact on me in such a short amount of time. in those seven months my views on absolutely everything were changed. it's only been two days without him but the fear of never seeing him again is overwhelming. he has consumed every single thought for those two days. every single thing i've said or done has somehow been related back to him in my mind. i don't know what to do with myself. i think about never speaking to him again and i'm terrified. i have no way of getting in touch with him, no way of knowing what he's doing, no way of knowing if he's thinking and feeling the same way i am right now.
we had the greatest love affair of all time. everything was so smooth and so easy and everything about us just fit together so perfectly. there was no awkwardness, no shyness, no fights. we spoke without speaking. we just clicked. we got each other. everything about us fit together perfectly and we could have had it all. i felt on top of the world with him. nothing mattered as long as he was there.
it was all taken away so fast. one day he was there and the next i was was left wondering if i'd ever see him again. i've replayed every memory over and over like the repeat button is stuck on in my head. that very first night at white castle, the flower note, our times at the park and our rock, our names carved into the gazebo, the car show with his daughter, that tim we broke into your moms house, the way he looked at me and smiled because we were together, the day he told me he loved me, all the secret kisses in the office, the way he put his leg against mine on break. those times we went to the hotel room, and the time we stood in front of the mirror and you said how perfect we looked together. i'll never be able to have those things back and yet they were never truly mine to begin with.
i don't ever want to forget any of it. i don't ever want to forget anything about him. the warm caramel color of his skin, the freckle on his neck, the scar on his lip and the way his lips looked when he smoked. the little scar i gave him on his neck, his bushy eyebrows and crooked teeth, his openness, his big hair, the hugeness of him, the way his biceps were cut so perfectly. i don't ever want to forget a single detail. i can't.
it's true that you never really know what you have until it's gone. there is so much that i would change if i could go back and do it all again. so many regrets. i'd tell you that i love you when you said it. i'd leave him to be with you. i'd let you leave your wife for me. i'd tell you how amazing you are and how i'd give absolutely anything in the entire world to be with you forever. i'd tell you that i want kids with you too, and that we are meant to be. i'd tell you that i cried last time you were here because i never wanted to lose you and that i hurt every time you had to leave. i'd tell you that i wanted it to be forever.
what am i supposed to do now? i have nothing. everything means nothing knowing that i won't get to tell you the story about it at work. it doesn't mean anything without you. i want to rewind to the beginning of last week and fix everything. i'm so empty and so lost. i can't function. i can't eat, or sleep, or leave my house, or stop crying and i just want all the pain to end but i know that it won't.
i love you.
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