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  1. New Year New Me

    New Year`s Resolutions

    All malarkey!!!

    Linked into a lot of common malarkey. This idea that can get so ingrained in us once I move here, quit this job, or the new year begins this and that will change. I will change. We all want to change...at least something. Whether within us, what's around us, or the world, in general, it`s a common human desire as is the fear of it. While they do have an effect, a profound one actually. The new year can have this strong energy to it, the feelings of change and a clean state coming over you like a wave. While we may know that year`s our made for record-keeping (calendar years) but there`s this psychological phenomenon with the turn of one. This hyped-up feeling of a new chapter turning, new stories to be written.

    The environment is crucial to all creatures, a species in the wrong environment can not survive. The same can be said from a mental and emotional lense, if you're depressed and anxious in an environment that keeps pushing you down you may never be able to find your way back up.

    The trouble here comes on many levels, these types of changes or any substantial change for that matter can be hard and trying. Most never actually stick to them and even if you do sometimes they can only be half of the equation. A new year or a new place can be a great start going forward but it doesn`t make a new you nothing can....other then you.

    The idea that resolutions or moving cities after a break up is built upon is that of a band-aid. Short-form fixes that may help heal or cover a wound but won`t repair anything on a fundamental level. That`s a longer less marketable less shareable process. The band-aid can be a good starting point but you have to be ready for the journey.

    That, ladies and gentle creatures is where I find myself. In the middle of this great big road I`ve been walking a while but at the start of a whole new hill. Hopefull for its beauty but fearful that it may have none. Anyone who`s been listening to me whine and ramble here for a while, or who scrolls back down through this blog can see I talk about making changes and trying to walk new paths a lot. Remember that week I went without soda? Yeah....that was fun....I type with a box of cans and a six-pack of bottles bought for tonight at my feet. It`s not that I don`t make progress, I do, two steps forward and one back but it`s made. For everything, I mess up like college, or photography I take another good step like exhibiting my photos or landing my current job. It just never seems like enough for me and my crippling perfectionist brain. Nothing would be better than imperfection it screams at me illogically. That`s why the photos never got finished and why nothing ever gets written.

    As someone who masochistically enjoys psychoanalyzing themselves, I think it has a lot to do with feeling like I`m starting behind a lot of other people. From being tired of feeling like I missed out on normal childhood things, things that defined and built people, and things that taught them how...to be. A world that I don`t get, one that I don`t always function great in. I want it all now, to be there right away because I`m afraid...that maybe I really can`t fucntoin...that I`m overestimating myself... I`m afraid that I`ll never get there.

    I do think I`m making progress though, getting to where I need to be no matter what I tell myself. Slow and steady wins the race, there`s no one recipe to life as much as the white pickets that dominate society would love to cram those ideas down our throats. I feel like I`m getting there to where I have enough stable ground under my feet, that I`ve begun to understand enough to really start some new and old beginnings. Shaking off my years of being numb and repressed, awakening ready to walk a little further on my journey.
    There are many environmental factors, that affect me atm but none of them are things I can change easily. I think it`s for the best though. My job is certainly a...roller coaster...some days are good even builds my confidence. Others....tear it down...hard. I`m not sure what it is about this month maybe there`s too much existential on my mind but it seems to be full of the later. I`m just trying to survive it honestly, it takes its toll and if I`m there for too long. That might be a high one. I do think I needed it though, I needed to build that foundation. The first seeds of independence for my sheltered abused ass.

    A seed of independence that does need to be grown, my relationship with my mother is a complex one. I love her, of course, she`s my mother and being the single mother for a special needs child...she`s sacrificed a lot. I love and appreciate her for that and were both all the other has ever really had. The good doesn`t negate the more toxic and controlling sides to her though. The homophobia, the hatred towards mental health, the dehumanizing attitude towards ASD or ADHD, and her denial and refusal of her own issues or that I have any myself. It still feels...guilty...the idea of leaving her...I know what causes her issues...she could get help for them....but she refuses to....and at a certain point...that`s her choice. I am working on getting help, working on myself, and being better. At some point...I`ll have to pull back at least a little or I might drown.
    Keywords at some point, the environmental changes are always the exciting ones but there not always the easy ones. They're also not the only essential ones. I grew up in a very toxic PA backwater that hadn`t been touched by the outside world for years. No cell reception and when they got dial-up there it was mind-blowing. Fun early years there being declared living in sin by the local church, death threats left on our door, and other hillbilly weirdness. When my stepfather passed we moved away from there and let me tell you....best dam thing we had ever done. We both would`ve died in that place. However, when we came here we thought it would change everything had these visions of the people we would become....that we didn`t. We tried started with therapy. Mother gave that up quick and I got pressured into doing the same. I quickly went back to being numb and she disliked her diagnosis and flew off the handle. We had changed our environment to our benefit but not ourselves. That`s what I`m starting with this time, working with a narrative therapist on the next chapter in my life. Trying to take little steps towards new beginnings, working within myself as well as outside of it.

    The new year and decade has been a boon for that. Maybe it`s just being young and this being my first turn of the decade as an adult, maybe it`s how transitional 2019 felt, maybe it`s the futuristic way 2020 seems, maybe it`s the impending war, but for whatever reasons 2020 just feels very transformative in nature. Like I said above though you can`t ride this wave alone but I`ve been on this path for a while. Maybe not successfully as my many blog posts will tell you but even in those last days of December where I may have felt as I wasn`t making the steps I wanted to I still rearranged my room, made physical order representing the order I want to make in my life and other steps like that. The new year energy boosted that, hasn`t been exactly on-topic but it`s been coming and as much I bend myself out of shape over everything in my core I know that`s all I can really ask for.

    This is the first of three years until my mother's predicted rapture.

    May the first of the doomsday years be a year of beginnings and may January be a month of little beginnings old and new.
    Malisky and Some Guy like this.
  2. 78933389_817400652049178_2176946200232591360_n.jpg


    Oh look it`s me and my constant struggle....I feel attacked.

    Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving week this past week. Mine started out in one place and ended in another. Monday was a great start to the week actually, short and easy day at work alleged start of the slow session. Seemed it in and out no problem, schedule up early, tacos for lunch, got to read my book on the bus home, home early, went out to Subway for a bit, ran into and helped an old friend and just had a good day. Kept to the routine easy enough, and that helped things go smoothly. Things go best when i`m keeping to one but keeping to one is such a struggle for me. See memes, there`s ways to do it though I just have to keep doing it. It`s may never click fully but i`ll just have to keep manually setting it keep it going. I like being out in the community passively, just observing it watching things doing the little actions that matter.

    Tuesday...i`m not really remembering much about Tuesday. Maybe I was off? I can`t rightly remember. I do remember I messaged the Betterhelp counselor back finally. Then didn`t get back to him again until last night. He responded today, I read it....still need to replay to it. Tomorrow. As reluctant and slow as I am I do like him and have hopes for this. He use`s a narrative therapy style, which as a story teller and story lover resonates with me. Two things stuck out me tonight in his latest message, first a assumption based on certain things i`ve mentioned about my writing ability and talent, the second about naming the new chapter in my life "Escaping Quick Sand" and understanding how it relates to the chapters before it. The first....I don`t like. If only because...yeah. All through school I was praised on it, expected to go somewhere on it, even my dam evaluations which I don`t like reading due to chapters going on and on over all my weaknesses state that goals of writing fall within my strengths. To show for all of that I have.....never finished a writing project in I don`t even know how long. At least when I was being cringey and writing fanfic I was writing. It all just flopped.

    The second thing I like much better. The escaping quicksand thing comes from ...the mud...which is a metaphor I decided to use for crippling unambitious effect caused by depression and other things on the spot.

    Changing my mud to quicksand...drowning in muds more terrifying it liquidy, goopy, gets in your lungs as you try to claw you`r way out. Can almost picture like a mud monster wrapping around you pulling you down further and further. Quick sand`s pedestrian...i`m splitting hairs...and going kinda dark. I do want the next chapter to pulling past the mud. Actually building something on solid ground. I may feel like my times been wasted but I am still young.

    Don`t know why I keep needing reminded of that.

    Hump day went by without much note and that lead into Thanksgiving, Worked Thanksgiving which was fine, worked with one other person. Check outs got left out, and all my stay-overs no servied me so I just had to help the other finish there`s. Easy laid back day. Came home with food from my manger, and had a chill holiday.

    Friday is about when things turned. Black Friday went black. I don`t know just a melancholy came over me. Went from work to a new Mexican restaurant in town for our own version of Thanksgiving dinner, that got most of it off for the night. Unttilll the next day..my routines got thrown off hard. Supply room door broke, saddled with a new worker who was...problematic..and my routine fell to shit. As did my work performance that day. That was lovely ...at least I was off for three days

    which I did absolutely nothing with. I mean I did somethings. I spent way to much money on cyber Monday, I took my platonic life partner and her kid sisters to see Frozen 2, I finally responded to my therapist, I waited for the dam oil man to come, I went grocery shopping, I started packing lunches for work (because they started serving us spoiled food), I journaled, wrote down a list of goals, and rested.

    Thats all fine and good but all that spare time and I just ....nothing to show for it. Remember how I said before about applying for Americorps summer session? I checked the site....I can do that now. No where near where I wanted to be by then but I can`t keep finding reasons to push push push off.

    Dropped, close to 300 dollars (thats on Amazon you add up non amazon purchases its more) on a keyboard, new harmonicas, a YETI mic, a pocket synth and a 4k camcorder with a microphone. Guess i`ve gotta do something with some of the projects in my head now....got money on the line. Or it`s gone not....got money down.

    I`m locked out of my account to check my bank balance to...can`t even find my SS card to change it. Need to sort out the room for that, and to set up the equipment. Guess it gives me a reason.

    Most of it came today, and work went fine enough getting back into a routine. Want to add a hour in the morning and meal prep at night when I make my lunch. Got two more days off this week which seems insane. Though it`s fine by me, I don`t know how much longer I can just keep doing that job without going insane. In the very least I need a outlet outside of it. Plus the lower my check the more likely I can get my insurance back.

    Something else happend Thanksgiving week. Mother came in on more of her weird conspiracy get rich quick things and claimed we had three years until the rapture.....

    Do I believe that? Somethings causing a group of people to believe it, could there be some truth to it? Ive also just now overheard them compare antibiotics to chemo then chemo to mustard gas which is a bio weapon....sooo less faith. Mustard gas....why.....pick something that`s not a dam gas. Chemotherapy is radiation based.

    The whole online conspiracy circle though....could write a book on that whole world one day....under a false name of course. It`s fascinating how linked it all is. You see the news cover Pizzagate, Q, and etc as separate small things but...there all linked as part of this large community that branches off into all these different factions.

    But say it is just three more years

    do I want it to be three more years of not being who I feel like I want to be? Like I need to be? Like I am?

    A whole new decade, i`ll be twenty two. Better a late start then never, Just get started pulling through the quicksand whatever sticks when you get out....go from there. For at least the first three years of the decade if we die fine if we don`t......well then i`ll be ready for the world.

    Where to even start though?

    At the beginning I suppose one day, one project at the time, still nodding along to the day job and the Christmas backdrop. Just pull you`rselve up slowly whatever doesn`t land doesn`t land. Hopefully something does.

    For now just get started.

    For now though i`m late and my shoulders ache so i`m going to bed without even checking this.

    All my worries don`t need no jury they just need me to decide i`m gonna try i`m gonna try. i`m trying i`m trying i`m trying.

    That line about waiting hits me yo.

    This whole post may not make any sense, I just kinda ramble. I type it for me though so it`s fine.
    love to read likes this.

  3. It`s 2:39 AM right now. I clock in for work at 8:30 AM. I should be sleeping. I tried that....I can`t. I took melatonin didn`t effect any. It`s gotten closer to three now. I can`t just lay there when I can`t sleep. My brain can`t take it, so now i`m up with rock music going through my headphones. Or it was....now it looped back to AJR.

    Remember how I was building routine, taking my vitamins, and cutting the caffeine out? Well....I took my vitamins today. Yesterday...it`s past midnight...the day before I woke up feeling like someone had dumped a pile of bricks on me as I slept. My eye felt like I`d been cold cocked. Still does, which seeing as i`ve had a granuloma on that eye before bugs me. Had to go to a plastic surgeon...don`t want to do that again. I don`t know what happend went to bed early, slept fine, didn`t drink, and nothing that would lead to that just woke up in pain.

    The no soda less sugar thing feel off right there, soda for lunch and bought two six packs on the way home from work.....I drank one today...that`s with restraint. ....I`m highly likely to be diabetic...if i`m not already. I can`t be doing this shit. I can`t be doing any of what I`ve been doing. Which is nothing.

    All pretense of a routine went away that day and I was off today which was a blessing. Even though I did nothing however...got back to The Outer Worlds...my last play-through was low strength and dex high intelligence, charm, and precetpoion. Doing different choices as high strength, charm, and dex with low everything else. Productive.

    I hate allways falling off, like i`m running in circles going nowhere. Every little step leads to ten back and the ones that do stick fell so dam little. Whenever I try a big step it falls apart because I don`t take the little ones. I need them but it feels so slow, like that`s all I ever do and i`m so far behind where I should be. I learned to walk later, started talking later, got a job later, when I go back to college that`ll be later, learned to tie my shoes later, and hell couldn`t turn a door knob on my own for a while. Still don`t know how to ride a bike. A bike thats such a building block thing, and no.

    Everybody else got to start the race when the pistol popped and I had to wait a while. I want to get where they are not where I am. It shouldn`t be this hard to stick to something, and do it over and over. I can blame it on my ADHD or depression and maybe that`s valid or maybe i`m just weak. Maybe it doesn`t matter i`m still wasting my life away and it`s still all on me regardless of the reasoning.

    when I was growing up I could function better, because there was always a fire. Life was constantly a state of crisis. I can handle crisis, because there`s no stopping and thinking. Just action, now, and have to do`s. Then the fires stopped...I should be happy....but I can`t function. I`m almost 22 and I still struggle to do even basic shit or pull myself out of bed in the morning. In a crisis or when it`s doing something for someone else i`m fine outside of that...no. Taking care of myself? I try, and then I back slide. The damage is probably already done.

    I get sick of saying the same things over and over making the same post over and over and over and over. Going around with my word salad in my head over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

    I want to be optimistic for 2020, that`ll be my decade. I`ll make it my decade! I do that though, "I`ll make this month my month." "I`ll do this at this point" and ...it fails.

    I`m scared, tired, and just I wish I could skip ahead over all the hurdles. I`m so sick of it.

    This always gives me hope though. I love her and I love this.

    Thanksgiving week, then Christmas, then New Years, then my birthday month, then my dads death month,

    I could wait for the holidays to pass....but you see how that would just go on forever.

    I feel hopeless, but I have hope for the new year. ...,maybe.

    I should try to sleep now.

    Edit: Adding because I feel it should be added so I can acknowledge some small steps. Packed a lunch for work tomorrow. Was gonna meal prep but idk the kitchens a mess and we`ll be eating out at least two days this week. Idk. I also cleared my credit card up and got back to better-help and messaged my conseler. Piss poor responses but i`m tired and slightly depressed so anything is good.

    Worried about work tomorrow if I cant get enough rest. It`s just the one supervisor whos condescending and makes me feel more and more broken then I already am but dam if I don`t want to deal with her tomorrow. She impiled that I wouldn`t even know how to boil water the other day

    I`m a dam fine cook thank you very much

    When I actually do it.

  4. Failing might just mean you`r trying to climb instead of swim.

    It`s 1:20 as I type this. These past two days off have included a lot of procrastination. I did finish my first play-through of space Skyri...err Outer Worlds. So hopefully that won`t be distracting me for a while. Mabbbye the additive part of the game is the freedom it gives you which can lead to very unexpected things.

    Have been making little steps of progress. If I can get key things done today that`ll be enough.

    I don`t think I need to explain what the Hero`s Journey is to a writers forum. I just love puppets.

    Great advice in here. Especially in the brain dumping and starting small or end badly.

    Ok so lets brain dump some goals and plans I wish to achieve at some point.

    Find a better suited job, go back to college, give back to community, become more organised, counseling, start writing on Medium, start doing Goodread reviews, read more, start a podcast. do more for the people in my life, get in shape, write books, write short stories, write poetry, do spoken word, learn to fence, learn keyboard, get back to playing harmonica, meal prep, set up a server for my extra files, implant more stargies in my life, build confidence, mediate, study Buddhism, learn more, travel, adventure, be more social, get into book selling, open a bookstore, honor my fathers name, honor my great grandfathers name, learn slight of hand, do stand up comedy, stop making excuses, declutter, deep clean and change my room, move out, manage my money better, invest, do more with my photography, make videos,have more traditions, feel less numb, enjoy life more, go to dragoncon, go to steal city comic con, vist the boxing hall of fame (my father`s in a photo there, hes not the main subject but he`s there) help people, make people happy, do something with Americorps, don`t be a failure,

    That`s enough for now. On the podcast thing I had a idea for one a while back called Loremaster where I talk about broad topics in the lens and scopes of history, philosophy, impacts, and etc. Realized that`s all very lofty and i`m a college drop out not really qualified. That`s when the name Under-qualified Overthinking came to me. Scale back the loftiness a tad, be me talking about various topics split into segments. Some current events, thoughts, musings, stream lined rambling on broad topics, etc. Probably never come to pass but hey, it`s got a name.

    On book`s I have a list of ideas Detective Shade which while featuring a coyote shiftier detective is more taking place in the aftermath of a urban fantasy thriller. Him dealing with PTSD, and his past while working in missing persons paired with a run away punk rock native american teen forced to live with his distant father who recognizes him as the Coyote of Indigenous folk lore come to help him. A focus more on internal conflict and identity and how much of it defines you and how much of it you define. There`s also a sword and sorcery adventure story Our Heros of Heart and Stone, Agent Royaldale is a urban fantasy series with The Order of The Dragon surviving into modern day as a Illuminati type force starring a half dragon fbi agent. A scfi book kinda...ok so The Hunchback of Notre Dame was written to showcase the cathedral over the actual story. Hugo wanted to stop it from being destroyed. The story here is more of a excuse for me to take the current space treaty's and plans we have in place and constructing a setting around based on as much of a realistic progression of those as I can. The name being Galtaic Affairs.

    There`s more where that came from. Not to mention shorts, none of this written I just....keep it in my head. I`ll vist them sometimes just sit there and stim going through the plot and the characters tweaking things as it moves. Seeing how things play out, what works, what works. Still need to actually put them on paper...or I could just keep them all to myself until I go to my grave...

    Getting ahead of myself. A lot.

    Start small or end badly.

    Right now need to focus on setting routines and habits, at home and at work. With the room thing in the background. While doing the room put books you don`t need/want (this`ll be hard) into a box and figure out what to do with them from there. Take the unread books you`r keeping and orgnise them into a to be read list.

    In a bigger picture sense, keep going at work building a basic routine and traditions, add new things as you feel comfortable. Why is this now in the third person? Keep an eye on the Americorps site for when applicantoins for FCC summer part opens up. If I don`t get accepted around August try for the local Americorps Vista positions. Peer support or the environmental l contravention stewardship. If I get deneyed from all of those go back to school, if I get accepted somewhere go to school after....you`ll have a nice education award to spend.

    It`s allmost three though lets focus on today. I should call work soon and check my schedule, there`s no way i`m off tomorrow but hey. Keep forgetting the trash, so need to get that out, platonic life partners been getting overwhelmed bought her a gift gotta take that up after her work, try and be more open with her, start some basic sorting and laundry, do some basic planning from my computer. Figuring out the money situation...thats pressing. Could`ve should`ve started doing some of this allready today but can`t focus on that just need to get it done.

    Upcoming traditions, try and get Monday after Thanksgiving off though it`s cutting it close. Tuesday doesn`t matter I can work go to the church dinner after work. Only real tradiatoin we`ve had third year. Thanksgiving if I work which I most likely will do the buffet at the hotel after work. I do not care about black Friday. i do hope I get out early enough to partake in Small Business Saturday though. Cyber Monday is of course online but having it off is because it`s the first day of hunting...I don`t hunt but schools are off and Life Partners little sisters will be off and there father hunts. So she`ll probably be left taking care of them, which I like to help out with. That`s not to mention her work schedule. Movies are a big thing over Thanksgiving right? We`ve never celebrated holidays in my house. Could take them to a movie that`d be nice. IDk whats even out.

    I should get off of here and call work
    love to read and Foxxx like this.

  5. I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.

    My mantra for the end of 2019 and all of 2020.

    So on Thursday I posted Melancholy Hill and then went to bed. Shout out to Some Guy for his constant support and comradely. Even if I don`t reply to it, I appreciate it.

    Friday started off normal and fine enough. Been keeping a morning routine well enough, even if I do squeeze every last second of sleep in I can and get up with just enough time to get around for work. Keeping it simple seems to be working though. Work went smoothly enough, came home with the intention of working towards things. In a relativity good and motivated mood. Then fell into the chaos of home here. Ended up feeling burnt out from situations I can`t do anything about at this point and losing time. I mean I don`t remember falling asleep but....I woke up and I don`t remember a good few hours so I just passed out into an exhaustion sleep....probably. These situations I can`t do anything to change but just keep taking to much out of me.

    I need to focus on building myself up to where i`m stable, before I can help anyone.

    Bring people up on my come up.

    Satuarday was a amazing day at work really. Went in with only 12 rooms per person, wiped that out quick then covered another persons rooms after she got sick and threw up all over a room. Hopefully I don`t catch that. Finished early, and didn`t leave any dirty rooms out minus the throw up room. After work....was a party.....not really my scene but I do appercite being included. It was my managers house warming/birthday mostly just her family and work people. It was alright lots of people I didn`t know, loud music I couldn`t hear anything over, and a crowded room....all things that put me on edge. Maybe it`s just because I can be overly sensitive to auditory situmli but I seemed to be the only one for which every other sound was drowned out by the music. Other people were talking fine, but i couldn`t hear nothing but the music.

    Maybe it`s just my social anxiety but even when being included I still felt kinda left out in a setting like that. I tried drinking, maybe it would unwind me, everybody there was drinking. Four wine-coolers and no effect. No buzz, no feeling more social, no feeling more comfortable, and only a headache in the morning, I`ve kinda decided to not drink anymore. It doesn`t do anything for me, and it`s just putting something harmful in me mainly to fit in. I mean if I had ever felt some effect maybe that`d be different but I really only drink in social situations. Same with...a certain illegal plant....might as well just not put my already poor body through that for no benefit.

    There was a slight moment at the party. A couple nights ago, the room count at the hotel kept ticking up and up and up. Me, my supervisor, and my work wife (I proposed with a ring pop....that`s a whole story....we work hard so we also just do random fucking shit to blow off steam...we`re a funny bunch) were all doing rooms together to try and get out of there. The work wife is going on talking talking, which is fine. I`m just different I hyper focus when i`m trying to work. I give basic, yeah answers. She was talking about taking a future trip back home to Trinidad and I asked when her Bora Bora trip was. Turns out they were instead going to Vegas. That conversation then took a turn, and I got invited to both Trinidad and Vegas. I gave it a shrug off yeah maybe answer but I at least felt really included by the invite.

    Fast forward to the party. There was a moment towards the end of it, where the work wife just randomly brings up..catching me off guard..."Kinz (well my real name) said he wants to go to Vegas with us." and idk if it`s just my social ineptitude, or over thinking everything but that seemed to shift everything. First off, I didn`t concentrate agree to a invantoin I was given. That wording (to me) at least made it sound more like I was trying to intrude upon a trip which wasn`t the case. I don`t even know if Vegas would be my scene. I mean I can see where it could be buffets, magic shows, comedians, musicians, sight seeing, and I do like going to urban settings and feeling just the bustle of the street. I like just watching life unfold on the street around me if that makes any sense. However this trip would probably more include gambling and booze which...I don`t know just dones`t tingle my loins.

    The dam supervisor even went as far as to go.

    "Really Kinz" to that, which I don`t know how to take, but also YOU WERE THERE. You know the context, of that why are you reallying me?

    Idk while I somewhat fit in with this group, I don`t competlly I don`t know if I fit in anywhere fully. Even those who I do connect better with and our closet to me...I sometimes wonder if thats a two way thing or one way....I don`t know.

    Also remind me I owe a coworker some money from the cab home.

    Then came Sunday, woke up with a splitting head ache. Once I got water into me and into the flow of working it went away. I started a detox in a way. Not one of those detox diet fads which are mostly all bull crap. No just something simpler. I made the above decision that morning that I will no longer be doing certain things just for social sake. I also kinda just randomly tossed in there to cut down on my caffeine problem. I`ve had a caffeine problem for....as far back as I can remember. Kinda funny that this is the one adicatoin I fell into. Depressed, traumatized, and socially inept. I could`ve been a smoker, or a drinker but I never did. There was a fear there, always had a lot on my shoulders and may or may not be somewhat tightly wound. The idea of drinking or getting high and then dropping a ball....no I drop balls well enough sober I couldn`t afford that. Caffeine though, there`s no headache to sneaking around and it keeps you awake and alert (not really but) it`s been whats kept me chugging for as long as I can recall.

    About four or five sodas a day in the least. I`ve cut back a little sometimes but always right back there at the first hint of stress. ....as of typing this haven`t had a single caffeinated drop in three days. Four if I get through today. Cold brew teas in the morning, a sweet green tea they have at work for lunch, and a detox tea after work. Not that kind you think it`s just a cleansing brew, of different herbs and such.

    Also got my Care of vitamin shipment finally in there easy to take little packs. Been taking one each day along with a eye vitamin, vitamin c, and these chocolate vitamins I found. turmeric, probitic, sleep aid, and calm one. Been taking those every morning.

    Have been cheating and slipping in some Ginger ale Lemonade but shush. It`s not caffeinated. All the sugar though...probably less then cola though. Maybe.

    Want to go into the new decade strong, strong and clear.

    Sunday at work went pretty ok, only rooms were all the ones that checked out. That still ended up being a lot.

    Coming home, I did my tea and sat down here to write a blog titled "Treat you`r body like a temple fill it with wine" and ...just stared at the screen for a few hours then went to bed.

    Monday was just the rooms left from Sunday. The rooms cleaned on Sunday were still clean which was nice. Work on Monday wasn`t terrible other then....I got a cart from laundry to keep the laundry in to take it down to the laundry room. I took it up to fourth floor to turn my keys in at the office, and set it by the elevator...then took the stairs out forgetting it...had to go back in to take it down.

    That was on Sunday.

    Got told to never do that again on Monday, which fair enough but there was an implication there like I did it on purpose as to pass on my responsibility. No I`m just a scatterbrain there`s no malicious intent in there. There`s more here but we`ll get to that.

    Monday was also the start of the remote saga. Well Sunday was but. The remotes! Ok so my last room on Sunday the remote was missing I check under the beds in every room before I make it. Didn`t see it. I then checked while the older supervisor was in there. Thought I saw something went to get it ...nothing. Fast forward to Monday the matnice man found the remote...under the bed....so I caught the hell for that. A friend (my platonic life partner) brought up that ghosts do that move things around and then put it back. It`s a sign of paranormal activey. I work on the floor everybody claims is haunted, and I have heard like random belly laughs after I run into something even though i`m alone and stuff like that. Nothing that`s ever bothered me, I doubt it`s anything and if it is it`s just a easily amused ghost.

    Her explanation while interesting helps me zero because the ghost did it would not fly over well. I was talking to a paranormal investigator on tinder for a bit maybe he could check it out.

    Though he ghosted me...

    That`s ironic.

    Work went fine from there. Last room got rushed because the older supervisor (just to differentiate from the other supervisor i`ve already mentioned) wanted to catch her bus which...fine. That`s fair enough.

    I came home made my detox and went to finally continue my counseling on Betterhelp which i`ve been putting off responding to. Hit to send the message. Got a payment error message....may have maxed my credit card...thats a problem gonna have to check that today....for that night though I just rolled into bed.

    Need to get better at managing my money..

    to much like my father

    I even wad up my cash like him.

    Which we both had ADHD and dyscalculia so maybe rather then an inhertend personality trait we just had simaler executive functioning struggles.

    Then came Tuesday. Rooms cleaned Sun and Mon were still clean but all the non used rooms on 2nd apparently got rented out because so many stay overs popped up. The remote saga continued. My first room of the day I missed a remote even though I know I checked that bed. The older supervisor said it was sticking right out, so how I missed it I don`t even know. I didn`t even say I checked though I know I did i`m not dieing on that hill. That resulted in her making a list of things I need to be doing in my rooms like checking the beds (which I am but murr). Later on she came to my cart to clean it while I was doing a room and talked about how I didn`t have any supply's.

    This is where I`m gonna get into something. I have reasons for a lot of things. I don`t say them because they might come off as excuses and mabye they are so I just alright here to death. But i want to list them in a safe space.

    On the never having enough supplies, we stock our carts at the end of the night. I have been stocking my cart every night, keeping up on supplies. Keeping extra in the side bags. The reason I had almost no supplies today was because you were rushing us out last night and I never got the chance to go up to stock. Not to mention the stay over that`s been for a week wanting extra everything every day has drained my stores.

    As for the cart not being neat ok that`s on me. It`s not like I don`t make the effort to do that, I straighten it up in the morning and at the end of the day. It`s just while I work, that it kinda looks like a tornado. I know i`m slow, you you`rself used to yell at me over my speed for weeks. Though now you`r suddenly nice which just puts me even more on edge. I want to get the rooms done as well and as quick so I can move onto the next room. I`m not cutting any corners in the room, but stopping to straighten up the cart gets bottom priority. Maybe this is a flawed thinking loop i`ve got myself stuck in which is fair. Missing the forest for the trees. Focusing on getting this one room done and not what will help me get the next ten done. Also i`m just not a organised person and I don`t mean to blame this on my ADHD but like that is a part of it. It`s not an excuse to acknowledge something if you`r trying to work on it. It is a excuse if you`r using to absolve you`rself. People forget that now a days especially with mental health matters.

    The not stopping and taking the time thing kinda covers a lot, like my lint roller that I do fold over but when I feel like i`m behind I dont because it`s the last thing you do in a room and I want to finish. I need to step back and not do that.

    On the laundry there`s the blue bags which i`m supposed to have on my cart that I got flack for not using. I can`t keep that dam blue bag ok. Even that day I got flack on it and started using it again we were being rushed out so someone took my blue bag which is meant for you to keep after you dump the contents down the chute which no one but me uses down to laundry. Had to get another blue bag from laundry..which I kept forgetting to do. I did leave work with a blue bag on the cart though so there`s that.

    Now the big thing is the tale of two supervisors the younger one and the older one. Both of whom have worked with me exstinvlay and showed me how to do things and called me out for doing things not that way....thing is.

    There ways are both competly different. If I do it the one`s way while the other one is on duty I`ll get called out and vice versa. So that`s just all types of stress and confusion. And im not gonna say anything so I take it but there not even on the same page. I have to try and build a routine that I do each day that also shifts based on who`s in charge for that day. Sometimes I wont even know who has me until a few rooms in.

    Ok that is all lead up to my biggest gripe.

    The psychoanalysis. Which I know coming from me wow. Though i try to keep that mostly focused on my , constantly reevlauting myself. This is different.

    The older supervisor, was talking to me about how I need to be more consinet if I want to make full time (do I?), which fine fair enough but then what really got me was this insinuation that it`s a mater of "Oh I don`t fell like doing that today" which no....not at all. I can`t let it offend me to much because I know she does this bullshit psychoanalysis of all the workers and it`s almost always wrong. Because she knows nothing about the workers and doesn`t try to she just bases it entirely off of a limited view of them and then her own world view and thinking. Which we all do in a way when we gossip or judge people but in a management role..it`s not great.

    It`s something my mother always does as well espeiclay towards my glitch. Adding some conscience intent or motive to something where there really is none. When it`s just oversight or a glitch that I can`t even quite pin down. All I can do is not get offended and work on my tool box to overcome the glitches.

    I don`t know how long I want to be there .For now it`s a good enough place to stay, safe mostly. Nothing come easy to me it takes my longer then others but I get there. I probably will get it all if I hang in there but I don`t know about the environment for long term. Like on the one hand I do like most of the coworkers and the sense of family there but there`s a double side to a kinda gossipy hard pressure filled culture. Not like i`m a victim of it but...do I want to be a part of it? Suppose that`s anywhere, just need to keep yourself an island. More than that I just don`t know if its the best place I`m suited for though it is a good beging.

    I belong but then I don`t.

    There`s also the matter of that I`ve caught myself over the past two days, digging my keys into my hand hard without really thinking about it or noticing which...isn`t a good thing.

    After all that on Tuesday I went to see platonic life partner after her first day at a new job. Five hours sitting in a room for training...glad I got on the job training...that sounds painful. It was nice haven`t seen her in a while, we talked mostly about her stuff. Mostly because I never steer the conversation towards me, I don`t really feel comfortable talking about myself. Especially not in person. I did mention i`d been feeling melancholy and depressed lately which she could tell anyways. That`s one thing I do love about that relationship is that even if I can`t communicate we can tell things about each other in other ways.

    For today i`m off, tomorrow as well. Got up got my cold brew tea and some piss poor breakfast came in here and kinda typed this all morning. Suffocating list of things to do, but I feel alright taking the time to do this. It`s not any great work, i`m sure it`s typos a bound and im surprised any one reads the dribble but if it`s the only way to get the thoughts and reflections out...

    I think there`s something to be said for that.

    Now to try to use what`s left of this day and the next to move some mountains.

    love to read and Some Guy like this.
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