(Gonna bang this out, kinda got on the verge of doing dishes and fell down a YouTube rabbit hole. Almost scrapped doing a blog post today but been doing that for the past three days. Already cutting other things at a loss that I kinda shouldn't be. That`s get something going.)
On the first day of flu, my influenza gave to me what I thought was a cold
On the second day of flu my influenza gave to me lots of rest...to much rest…, and what I thought was a cold
On the third day of flu, my influenza gave to me a smokers cough, lots of rest...to much rest..., and what I thought was a cold.
On the fourth day of flu, my influenza gave to me a lost day, a smokers cough, lots of rest to much rest, and what I thought was a cold.
On the fifth day of flu my influenza gave to me my first day out in a week and even more fatigue, a lost day, a smokers cough, lots of rest...to much rest, and what I thought was a cold.
On the sixth day of flu, my influenza gave to me (hopefully) something that`ll content me so I can stop my bitching, my first day out in a week and even more fatigue, a lost day, a smokers cough, lots of rest...to much rest, and what I thought was a cold.
On the seventh day of flu my influenza game to me…..no please let it stop...please …..noooo
Dear god no
Please let it break up
I`ll sacrifice a ram or something.
OK, this is out of the song bit. I know I've been whining about this all week but I hate being sick. I`m tired and achy enough as it is and I don't need a double dose. Bogs me down, even more, may make a mental health post tomorrow. Other things to add there, but that's for tomorrow. Try to take a step and they knock you ten paces back type stuff.
Few posts to make tomorrow, need to get back into the writing bit of the forum more. It`ll come, today's the first day in a week I've done anything with this cold. Even if it was get up, shovel snow, give a presentation, come home, nap, watch “Titus” and have an existential crisis. If I get this post up, set up a tracking log on a fitness forum I joined, and go out to do at least a few dishes that`ll be good enough for now. Probably make it to bed around the one sixteen mark I had been aiming for before.
Had this whole week planned out, then God laughed and that all went astray. Keep putting off things till the next week then the next week you're sick as a dog. There's A lesson in that, there's also the point to be made of how hard it is to dig yourself out of many holes at once. We`ll touch on all that later. For now, at least the flu has made me realize that while I'm working on pulling myself up, being less of a bum, and setting new routines without a strong foundation to that one little illness and it kinda topples. Like that Sunday school song about the house on the sand.
I know building that foundation has kinda been a talking point of these my “bum” years but let's hope something sticks this time..
Bang your head against a wall long enough…
Let enough crash and burn this week lord knows.
With every word I typed.
Bad weather on the doorstep, couldn`t take a single step
I can't remember if I cried
When I read the weather
But something touched me deep inside the day the sun came out
I rather like Don Mclean…..Starry Nights good to, but American Pie`s strongly tied to February. The music died on the 3rd...the day we`ll all be watching the “big game”. I`m not even big into football, nor do I have a TV, so won't be watching but clips of ads and halftime will be enjoyed on Monday. More interested in how Groundhog day turns out tomorrow. If it's six more weeks i'm throwing down with ol Phil. He'll end up like New York's ground hog when I'm done with him. (useless fact: They dropped him on his head and killed him one year. I believe that to have happened on TV too but I can't recall. Makes it more memorable. I imagine they've killed and maimed many of these groundhogs) Groundhogs day`s a big deal here in PA and elsewhere. A few groundhog parties tonight and tomorrow. Mainly beer drinking debauchery shin dings with local bands...that`s all this town is. I want fireworks people or groundhog shaped pancakes. To snowed in for any of that though and working the art center tomorrow night on a non groundhog event so no fun for I.
The polar vortex nonsense is still battering us here in the Keystone State. Ok maybe the vortex stopped but it's still cold and the wind chills are still unfriendly. I've mentioned that it's been like living in a snow globe. I actually used to collect snow globes...feel bad for those poor people now. At the whim of a fickle snow god,“All fear the great Sky Shaker!”. Constant snow storms, no break between them. Thankfully should be shoveling out tomorrow, and it should get into warm temps and melt off this week. Winter only came for January and February`s gonna take care of us. I love February, so it's fitting it brings the sunshine. Feels like January went by too quickly but i`m not complaining. Month of half starts.
February, holds my birthday at the end of it among other things. Turning twenty one on the twenty first day. Quite liking that irony, never gonna match up like that again. I`m mixed on if i`m excited for it or not. Less of a thing to build up to more of something to celebrate in the moment, on that day with whatever occurs. Simple get togethers and such. At least for me. Though I do have a friend who`s birthday is like three days after and wishes to try the towns new Hookah lounge sooo. It is the big two one, which I mean I have all my freedoms I suppose. At least as far as my choice of legal poisons go. I don't plan on being a prude who never drinks but I also don't plan on going out on a bender right out of the gate.
Outside of the booze it's kinda a lot, there's a song by one of my new favorite bands with the line. “Everyone I know seems to have it all figured out but here I am at twenty five and I don't know where i`m going in life. But I feel like we`re all going insane hiding behind a smiling face.” Which about sums that up. I`m aware twenty one`s still young by most metrics, and everybody have a different path they start at different points. Logically I understand all that but the anxiety never goes away and gets rather bad. If I don`t lose my insurance I can work on that though. My anxiety`is going at me in my head right now for not doing enough today but I worked out, I cleaned, and yes part of the day was taken up by a mentally exhausting situation and a nap but I'm doing this now. Working on this blogs a goal. It's alright. Can`t force everything into one day.
On the topic of lyrics up there's a song by one of my favorite rappers, that`s a pretty good glimpse into my mental state. It has these two lines. “I should be grateful I know i`m good and able, but I just can't get up from the kitchen table. This kind of shot comes once. Another opportunity of a lifetime just slipped away. That's the fifth this month,but when you take a punch don't ever forget why you get up and put one foot in front of the next. ” and then this one “I`ve been using a pool of water as a mirror but not for styling. To reach in and slap my reflection for acting childish.” Those lines are also fitting to me at the moment. As has been chronicled here and in other parts of the forum namely the mental health thread I struggle a lot with depression, anxiety, feeling loss, sense of identity, and those fun angsty issues of youth. I've gotten a lot of great opportunities i'm grateful for. Some went well most haven`t. Some for outside factors, others were more or less due to a failure on me handling my issues. Which left a mark and didn't exactly make them any better. It did teach, where the limits and issues are and what I need to overcome and i'm trying to work on that. I`ve been trying but I feel like it's really getting going now. Even this blog post is a part of that. Every little step.
Spring is a time of growth, I want to look to new horizons new adventures. It's not spring yet though it`s the end of winter. For now it's time to defrost, rebuild, and trim the briers back. Take that project list that's been stagnant and ether finish them or shelf it. Rebuild bridges I let decay when things were bad. I`m already a shut in during the winter, shut in more. February itself has many special days I should be present for but other than that shut in and work what you`ve put off. Can expand my social horizons when the house is clean. (metaphorically) Time to work, repair, and evaluate.
That's enough of that though. Why do I love February if not my birthday or the superbowl? It's the time of American Pie, a tangible connection to an American classic. Sure it`is a ballad of it`s time and it draws its identity from that but if you listen hard enough you can hear the bitter February cold and promise of spring in the essence of it. Then there's the day of lovers. Which is a marketing holiday built on the grave of a guy who got beheaded for standing up to oppression and the persecution of lovers. Yet no let's remember him with anatomically incorrect heart cards. If you have a lover though enjoy your day, have your fun. Love is something to celebrate not that it's necessarily what V day`s about but if you make it about that then you're beautiful and that's beautiful. Love isn`t just romantic, should make the day about love for all humanity. Crap i'm sounding like one of those Woodstock hippies again. Someone pass the acid.
What's great about it though is the candy that goes on sale after. Plus Dunkin Donuts special donuts which it is fine to eat in your car alone crying. This year also has two dollar boxes of munchkins. Shamrock shakes come back soon to. Probably gonna kill you but boy does it taste good. It's gonna be great. Even have those little “hidden holidays”. My b day is read a card day….easy enough.
Let it begin! This post is still kinda glimpse inside my mind ramble written in one night but should be more polished then the last thing. Maybe next time I shouldn't have so many themes. Spit them up next time. I`m gonna polish and post this then go to my progress journal.
I`m an asshole.
Warning this is mostly incoherent ramblings. Still want to put more polished things here but this is just what it is
TIMELINES OF LIFE:
BIRTH AND INFANT-HOOD: What it sounds like you`r basic things, expect for the life altering car accident . Some people just need to use there blinkers man. I ended up being a "miracle" child...never liked that term, IDK why it just..no..I just survive. Wasn`t supposed to walk, crawl, talk, and etc but...horses........
Ok I love that joke but needs context...hippo-therapy. The insurance and state wouldn`t actually pay for it because it`s not a proven treatment or at least at the time but I had the good fortune of being born to a horse trainer with a can do attitude. He did it himself, and I probably owe everything to that. My first (unaided) steps was actually something he got to shortly before he died (a day or two before)...the universe is a funny place....
CHILDHOOD: I mean, normal enough I guess played with transformers, grew up on a farm, couldn`t tie my shoes or twist a knob but we got there eventually. Childhood was actually something, grew up in the boondocks on a hobby farm. Backwoods small towns are...something. Wasn`t even a town, not even a burg anymore just a bunch of farms connected by proximity, a church, and a general story. Also had an interesting amount of excons...that clashed great with the holier than all folks. One of the farms was a worm farm that was neat. We had a rather mean and viscous cat (the other cats stole the eggs, he outright attacked the chickens) that ended up becoming a birder for them. A place for everybody you know? Growing up there was something. Got to witness rural society, the way a hierarchy forms out of esstinely nothing a people viy for power in a place that in no way matters. One guy had a life goal to buy up all of the burg...that`s..that`s not much...he`s bankrupt now. The saints and sinners thing was interesting church preaching caring for you`r neighbor but my mother being laughed at for suggesting helping an excon who got hit by a truck even though he was the one who helped us when we needed it. The church folk sleeping around and doing there own seedy shit the only difference was the sinners were more upfront. Group of random strangers rolled in once state up saying they were there to kill a guy. Maybe dry dark humor...but knowing the guy....it`s ok though he ended up in prison again so he was safe. I got to exist in a weird twilight zone between them. Raised up in the church, played with the church kids, and step father even helped build the dam thing and was a deacon. They still declared us "living in sin" and osterchised us. Still told my mother she was to "witchey" to help with Sunday school ...years before she went the new age path..... maybe they could see the future but that`s a little pot kettle then.
Growing up "special" and learning to overcome physical problems took a bit but hey....I`m mostly fine now. Can`t drive but that`s the only thing even eating and working out to bulk up and add more muscle. I overcame all of that. No more crash helmets, walkers, braces, physical and occupational therapists, and honestly that`s my biggest accomplishment. Back will probably always ache...it`s bruised but I can live with that. My handwriting's still crap too, partly due to problems with my hands, and the school giving up on teaching me and letting me use a laptop. I mean it was an accommodation and i`m grateful for it, but also, I would`ve liked to work on it more. Granted there methods involved taking the kid with sensory issues among other things and forcibly taping his fingers to the pencil...I didn`t corporate or react great to that. Oh that school was hell, I mean the kids were ok I guess didn`t connect with them at all but I was sheltered, dealing with my own stuff from the car crash issues to a abusive situation at home. That`s not even touching on people shooting are sheep from the road to send a message or hanging a elmo doll in the yard. That`s a whole other story...I loved that Elmo doll though. I never had an Elmo before, I thought it was cool. Kids. Anyways...I didn`t connect with the other kids maybe I didn`t want to but they were nice kinda pity nice but nice. I mean when my problems started getting better and less apparent, and I got held back into a group of kids I hadn`t grown up with....kids started getting mean guess pity was my only shield. No kids were as bad as the school themselves though, gave me so much anxiety dealing with them. Had to tooth and claw for every acomdantoin, tried to keep me from going to the high school because I would get trampled in the halls or some shit. Hint I didn`t....wasn`t there long when mom had a nervous breakdown and I switched to cyber but my two years of junior high and my one semester of high school I never got trampled.
HIGH SCHOOL (and bits of middle school and junior high): We actually ended up owning the general store in high school. That was fun....not really ....but bits of it. I still have the pizza tray bout only thing left. Make a mean hot sandwich on it. Step dad quit his job, went out bought a brand new car, drove it off the lot, and came home telling us he wanted to buy the store and he did. None of that was the smartest move. Come to find out later his brain was probably falling apart for a while at that point. It was good we unloaded the farm though, groups of interested parties and an ex wife all wanted it for mineral rights which were supposed to be worth something. They made things hell and sent quite a few messages...that poor sheep.....the exwife set fire to the barn and burnt it to the ground so yeah it was time to go. Thankfully all the animals lived except for two pigs. Sold it to a even bigger mobster than the one trying to get it...who then died at the same time as his uncle leaving it a son whose world and influence was falling apart. Come to find out the farm was worthless, the mineral rights were crap. The son sold it to people who tried to fix it up, then gave up and sold it, and it keeps going in that cycle now. The store was a home at least. Trying to running a store with someone with a brain diesease who`s in denial and doesn`t think he needs help is....no money was made there.... You order ham you get cheese and mayo on beard, and I got snapped at daily for trying to keep that happening. As he got worse mom, had to work to make real money and I had to take care of him...someone who was and had been abusive ...though the only father I ever knew still. The emotions on that were wild. Through in the "was it the real him or his dying brain?" and oh boy it` s a trip. I did it though, when I was there. Lived with other people here and there. When he passed the family were bastards, and emotions were everywhere. Sold the store and bought a home three hours away with insurance money. Mom had kept strong so long she broke when she finally could. She deserved that. PTSD, depression, extreme anxiety, and agoraphobia. Last one not to the can`t leave the house point but for a while...not alone...so I did cyber school, so I could be around and help her. We made a promise to each other and I made one to myself. I wanted to reinvent myself, grab for things. That didn`t happen, I was numb and shut off and my own anxiety and depression got worse. To each other, we were gonna work on our issues and rebuild....for a time we did....until we didn`t....
She didn`t like her diagnosis which is fine there not always right I had one of ADHD, and now it`s high function Autism. However, that was more rooted in her not accepting things didn`t like her medicantoin..fine it doesn`t always work tell the doctor...stops taking it...stops going to the doctor. Starts going down the new age rabbit hole, that somehow turns into right wing conspiracy theories with a new age ancient aliens bent. Instead of mentally ill, people have "low viberatoins" and can fix it by not thinking bad thoughts...that doesn`t work depression gets worse. 2nd suicide attempt comes in. For her....I`ve only had one... falls more into the crap. Anti vaccine, forces me to quit my own therapy, my autism diagnosis is either her fault for getting me vaccinated or mine for "not trying hard enough" which would have my dad ashamed. The not trying thing would apply to my anxiety and everything else as well even to herself...which digs her more into a hole...but trying to pull her out leads to fights outbursts get worst. Destroys her flowerbeds and garden. We still have like three plates because she threw everything around and smashed them all one night...that was almost as terrifying as when she pushed a washing machine down the stairs....(it was set there to get rid of it and got stuck. Hour or more later she got mad and just shoved it....Idk if she knew I was at the bottom or not. I move quick though)
feeling alone. Met my best friend though hailing from a life that`s simaller but different. Just as much wild shit though, only person I feel like there`s a real connection with. Other good people to, good friends connect with them just not fully, mentors an old doctor turned photographer taught me everything I know about my craft after high school I go from student to his assistant for a bit. Online communities like this.
I`m not alone, but the person who made the promise to rebuild with me the person who I`ve gone through hell and back with was always there.
COLLEGE: HA this ones a joke. Community College because it`s cheap. I don`t even think I had a clear goal in mind I was so numb and shut off and used to just reacting to life. You got a fire for me to put out? Great I can do that. You want me to start a fire? uh uh uh..how? I was told what the next step was and I did it turn out it wasn`t the right step for me. OR not yet, I kinda wanna go back but not until I get my shit together. Dropped out after one semester.. I have debt now..that went well. Anxiety and depression thats what college was. Didn`t help people were dropping like flies around me. It`s interesting I`ve experienced a lot of death in my life but always in clusters. Two so far, my step dad, died and then two of the people that were real father figures to me died right after. A pastor of a local church who really took me under his wing and a former member of are church who`s trouble with alcoholism led to him being forced out who really was there for us in a way no one else was. Both died in car acadints. The themes the themes. Second cluster was people from the new town, friends parents who had taken me in and treated me like family while what was left of mine was falling apart...dead...two weeks apart two separate family's. Then the more spread out ones first friend I made in this town killed himself, another pastor who I worked with on a public access tv show, a close friend who died of medical problems. I`m used to death in a way but the second cluster left clouds and change...I dont do well with change but honestly? It`s all I really wan.
Post College: Me saying im gonna get my life together, trying, and failing. In a loop. I start I do little things then they go nowhere. Worked (local) festivals built stages, sold art, took pictures, worked with musicians, bar-tended and more. It was good, did volunteer work to, helped with a kids summer program. Tihngs were going great..then I stopped....just for no real reason fell down a hole. Pulled myself out, got at it again got a big opportunity doing photography for the local symphony. Had multiple big anxiety attacks and failed horribly. Then back into the hole...sounds like a prison film...saw-shank depression.
Did a few projects flaked on them or they fell apart. In a way though I feel like I learned about myself through this yeah. A whole year or peroid of my life full of failure isn`t fun but it taught me things. I think I know what I need to do now. Pace myself, don`t overwhelm myself, work on my issues, get into therapy to deal with the anxiety. Set a routine, work out, set up some independence. I`ve realized while I`ll never abandon my mother that`s my mother, I need to work on myself and can`t let her effect my mental health, need to do what`s best for me. She won`t work on hers but I still need to learn how to live with mine. I`ve learned my failings, my limits, and figured out where to go now.
NOW(ish): I`ve been doing better. It`s not a steady thing slowly but surely. I`m in a better head space, things with mother are at a calm now that i`ve pulled back from the relationship. I mean she`s still my mother but I can`t force her to drink and I stopped trying, healthy seperantoin. Working out, learning how to work, sound i`m baking again, getting into therapy, and other good things. Planning, and setting goals.
ROUNDING OUT THE WINTER: Yesterday I cleaned, worked out and laid down a routine but I didn`t get more office stuff done. Got really on edge over that, really set off anxiety. Today was gonna be office stuff. Woke up to a snow storm, had to deal with that then two hours making breakfast (was good). Then started working at job application then motivation went away and a staired at a screen for a bit. Decided to type this I like writing i`m a good writer, but I`m sloppy. Grammatically incorrect and typo prone. Told myself any new posts to the blog would have more polish editing, me making sure it`s all cleaned up but this felt like I just wanted things to pour out. Getting all shit out to start anew, look at my past to plan out how to grow. It feels to me like i`ve done nothing but looking at it laid out..i`ve overcome a lot and done a lot. I can only do more. I know the only way to fix sloppy writing is practice and to just go over and over it before I do anything with it. I`m lucky to have a friend a writer herself who discovered a even greater love for editing who`s willing to be my defacto editor and beta as well. After this I`ll keep listening to my Watsky sound, make food, finish application, and things like that.
For now i`m gonna keep working what i`ve been working at, getting into a ritual. Work on work, writing, photography, baking,sound, therapy, bettering my relationships, and etc. I become a bit of a shut in in the winter, gets dark earlier, snow storms I don`t drive. For now though just get into a ritual.
SPRING: Pick flowers...really though can be less of a shut in get out back into the community more. Work more on myself and my projects still.
SUMMER: work, do the festivals and art scene, establish things a bit.
FALL: We`ll see I got plans I ain`t talking about yet. if those happen it`ll be fall 2019 if they don`t...we`ll see where everything is at.
.....Let`s get this bread. ..IDEK what i`m saying.
It`s 12:19 here and i`ve been trying to be asleep by around 1:16 so I will probably be logging off shortly after this and my mind and body are very much ready for bed. This post is gonna be very stream of consciousness no frills. Just with the frequently of which I`ve posted about my life, feeling lost in it. and wanting to get it together, in this blog felt I may as well give a quick short update of things may have seen mentioned elsewhere. Not like it really matters but
Things have been going on pretty much the same. Rolling through life haphazardly still feeling mostly unfulfilled you`r normal angstey crap. I was given an opportunity a really great opportunity that kinda fell apart and that sent me spiraling a bit. May have attributed to much hope of a ripple effect to that going well in my mind to the rest of my life that when it failed.. I was crushed. There`s also the fact that that series of events made my anxiety get pretty bad. That however does have a good end where I am currently trying to get back into therapy for that.
There`s been many stop starts start stops, really productive moments followed by depressive bouts and lethargy. Been a little rough, but think i`m getting to where I can really start working towards goals. Been trying to plan them out so there as clear as possible while not being to spefic that my mind can get tripped up in the little details. Also trying to not say to much about things in advance just work on what I need to work and let things show for themselves as they come together. For now my goals are the aforementioned therapy, working out/putting on some muscle, better health/nutrition in general, work of some sort, setting a better routine, and just general pulling things together. Also want to work on creative projects and teach myself like coding and better math skills.
When I want to achieve certain goals, I can get really anxious over not being productive every second of every day. This made things quite unbearable for me yesterday. Taking a mental health day today, and resting till about four when I started working on things and making pretty good progress helped alot. In both the mental health and proving a point to myself.
Been kinda flaky with myself, others, and projects something I want to change as well. Want to post n this blog more. Things with more polish than this will surley have.
We shall see.
It`s September...who knew man. This will be mostly just a stream of consciousness ramble of sorts getting some thoughts out there in my lil space here. I`ll make a pillow fort here later. It`s been a bit since i`ve posted anything here or in anywhere for that matter. I went dark to work for the CIA...yeah no. Been watching to much Covert Affairs with that joke. Last thing I put up here I believe was around February. That was an...interesting time.... what would have been my second semester of college had I not dropped out, a relatively fresh new year, my twentieth birthday, a failing job hunt, and the same mental health issues I always deal with had my mindset in a unique place. Fear, guilt, worry, sense of failure, and etc kinda all swirling about. I could deep dive into it but for the most part it was a lot of feeling off course, uncertainty, guilt, and etc from dropping out kinda hitting all at once with becoming a "adult", and feeling defeated from not finding work. My depression and anxiety then had fun with all of that.
Though, what`s been going on since February? A lot of the same some of the different. Around February I had the chance to do some video work for the local symphony. That.....didn`t go great. However in a intriguing twist of fate I got invited to be one of there photographers for this concert season. First "gig" in a week or two at a fundraising dinner. Not paid, but still exciting and it`s wonderful experience. Been having a lot of opportunity like that recently, mostly what the summer was made up of. Helping with a youth program at a local gym, taking photos for non profits, volunteering at a community art center, and etc. It`s been good very fulfilling, I like to get out in the community, and network with people. It`s good emotionally and mentally to get out and do something and my hope is the experience looks good on application to make up for a lack of work experience. That hasn`t been seen. A lot of jobs I thought where good bets...weren`t. As much as I love (and I do) my work in the community I need something that can sustain me and soon.
This summer I also did a lot of thinking, reflecting, and working on my mental health. I`m not gonna delve into all of that here, but it did lead me to a conclusion on what I have to do, or at least want to do. Build and learn. I need to start being proactive and start trying to build up certain aspects of my life. It`s good to find yourself but sometimes you just have to build yourself. I want to start building and learning. By learning I mean taking opportunity to gain more experience, learn spefic things. Learning in`t restricted to a school environment or academic subjects one should always be learning. Learning and building, and I do think I am fortunate to have a lot of good mentor type figures around me.
Ok that`s my overall goal, now let`s fine tune to Sept goals. Laying that foundation, starting mostly. As well as working on photography projects I`ve been putting off. The weekend before labor day was a local festival that I spent the week before labor day helping with. So this past week was "recovery" resting and catching up on side projects and things around the house I let slid. This week I hope to get some balls rolling. Still having some trouble finding my get up and go/motivation. It`s coming though I have things in the works.
Welp that`s my ramble. I`ll meet you again here real soon to rant about the letter S...you`ll see.
Separate names with a comma.