Ok so I`m just gonna dive right in like a kid who doesn't understand how depth in the swimming pool works. I`ve been wanting to do this, and sitting here for hours just staring at the box wanting to make things come out and my focus just flat lines like melodramatic ER show that can`t decide if it`s a drama or a comedy. Tried to use the binaural beats I always do and still nothing.
Just put music on and go. It`s three past three already want to be done by four...gave myself an hour I guess. The thing that baffles me is all I want to do here is what I use this for which is brain dumps. Stream of consciousness rambling which this right here is in it`s purest forms. Thank you all for putting up with this shit.
What did I even want to do this on?
March broke me, just frankly. Like if you just scroll back in the blog you can me having a lot of hope for 2020 (which is still all there) and giving each month kind of a theme in the blog post here for that month. Which March didn`t get one. Though it is the 31st so I guess this counts though spiritually this is more looking forward towards April.
....when you're social distancing and a song with the line "I wish I was out tonight"...comes on.....
February`s theme was....routines...or in the end...god knows what I put in the blog. January and the year was on old and new beginnings big or small. It seems kinda flip-flopping but I didn't want anything to in stone because you never know what life will bring or even if you're goals and wants will be the same from year start to year-end. I mean could anyone have predicted where the world is right now? I mean I was already feeling..oh I called this a great year of transformation and so far its been WW3 and fires....and then Covid was like hold my beer. I mean....it is going to be transformative for sure...and there are positive lights in all of this. I am improving and I do feel like this is the right path for me. Kinda been thinking of working on a tongue in cheek comedy piece on that. Self-improvement while the worlds on fire.
March`s theme was supposed to be habit following a routine but it turned out to be more....mental decay. ...... as things do...I started out alright. Having trouble incorporating new habits but sticking to routines, and finishing a medium piece (that would later become quite ironic) then somewhere in there my brain went snap. To describe my mental state the past few weeks....I don`t even know how...it`s like everything kept locked up nice and tight started leaking out but it`d been tucked away so long I couldn`t fully tell what it was.
You ever feel emotions and feel them strongly? But have no idea where they`re from or what they're about but it feels like...it`s just all right there clumping up on you`r chest bearing down upon you while you have no idea what to do with it.
March-April holds a lot of...dates...pesky pesky little dates..that hold scar tissue and tickle memory...though really times an illusion...but its hard to tell that to one's soul....
what does that even mean...
Honestly, I`m still a wreck.....not true.....I`m rattled and fractured still but i`m better. I`ll be ok but it isn`t going to be a breeze. From what I described and just realizing a lot of things I`ve tried to ignore. Things that don`t add up, it`s just a lot.
Then COVID on top of that, work so hard to adjust to a routine and coping methods and my normal just flipped like a pancake and that fell apart a bit though it`s coming back together. Kinda retreated into sleeping, all the time any time.
Did little things but hard to focus
Squandered the extra free time kinda, or mabye I didn`t. Maybe forcing myself through would have made things worse...it did when I went through this type of thing in the past.. I don`t know....
This is making even less sense than they normally do and its three past four. Four past four...
To sum it up. March was unproductive because I had a mini-breakdown again, I`m off most of if not all of april hoping to use it to recover and idk...build something...got some things I wanna get spinning. I think it`s gonna be alright
......Not quite ready for a mind dump I guess....Here`s to April.
With every, I thought I conquered.
The second and one of my favorite months of the year has finally dawned upon us. February happens to be my birth month though that is not related to it being one of my favored months. I have no actual biases or reasoning for this thought but I have this idea that certain months just seem to be more creatively charged than others. February, March, April, and October specifically. Something energizing in that.
Or so I`m hoping.
Last October the energy didn`t seem to push enough. Even tonight, I spent the last handful of hours having this tab up and just watching youtube. The only reason I didn`t scrap it for now and go to bed is A. The point of these Junk Draw posts isn`t perfection. My Medium posts our polished, this is more of a brain dump and showing a more raw version of the thought process.
That`s also mostly bullshit and this whole post was saved solely because I found this and wanted to try it.
I don`t know whether or not it`s having any effect but the vibrations sure our something. ADHD or any focus problem really is hard to grapple with. Sitting down and wanting to read, write, or whatever the thing is but you're brain and your willpower just seem out of sync and you can`t bring yourself to focus no matter how much you feel like you're pushing and pushing yourself. All that pushing and pushing leads to feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from...doing nothing...essentially. In reality, it`s a lot of mental work, but it can feel like nothing because there`s no results or not the ones we`re programmed to expect. Our own internal feelings towards this can then be amplified by the fact that this internal hardship and struggle can`t be seen so it looks like you just aren`t doing the thing or making a choice. I can remember in college struggling to focus so hard in math class and the two boys next to me constantly ribbing and picking on how I didn`t do anything, or I didn`t care when I did care. A lot actually, and whether it was meant to be hurtful or not it did hurt, though ADHD also has a role in messing with emotion regulation sooo. One thing that stood out allways as the contrast in that math class though is the teacher. As boring and standard math professor as you could get, but he`s also one of the first people who actually acknowledge my ADHD without me every acknowledging it to them. It made it feel real like I know it`s real but both from internal dialogue and the family perspective my "symptoms" were faults of my own because I didn`t try or didn`t care enough. I never did end up passing that class and the professor probably doesn`t remember me but that was a very profound moment to me and always will be.
Not sure why I really chose to tell that story. I touched on it already in a forum post here about being a writer and how my therapist did a similar thing with recognizing my storyteller nature and traits before I mentioned them. One shouldn`t base to much on how they're perceived by others but it does help soothe doubts you may have about yourself. It`s part of the reason I`ve felt more confident this year in working towards rebuilding myself towards what I see myself as. No longer thinking that self-view as skewed, and actually believing in myself enough to put the effort forth now that I`m in a place where I`m able to.
My first Medium article talks a lot about this, as well as is the result of this. While it`s no great viral trend on the site, that doesn`t matter. It`s the step, that first writing, and the first step forward. Lots of steps like that in January there were. Also, a couple plates that fall to the floor with a resounding shatter.
Those are the ones I think about most.
For February it`s just about moving forward and trying not to get tripped up in the shame. Keep moving keep building. I started the new year working on a routine, that kinda fell away from me hoping to build that back up again. I also need to focus on my health more as I`m having some possible prediabetic worries. Some days the ADHD will win, but that doesn`t mean the shame has to.
I turn 22 this month, and it`s something that...when I was a depressed 16 year I never imagined myself living past 22 and to being reaching that shore...it`s something. My first instinct is to look back at everything and around at where I am now and tell myself "What do you have to show for yourself at 22? What worth do you possibly have? A washed-up college drop out who can`t even manage his minimum wage pay from scrubbing toilets?"
There`s more than that though. I survived and I`m working towards doing something anything with the unique voice that has given me. I may not be anywhere yet but I`m working on...something... I`m not even sure what it is myself yet.
Also, money managing that`s another February goal...as my checking has like 100 dollars in it atm....feeling a lot of shame around that atm to.
Welll...this one got away from me ... here I was planning to do some dribble about February being the month of the born again artist as I work more towards what I feel like is a lost part of myself. I guess that`s still in there too though.
I should spell check this but I`m tired and going to bed sooo.
Oh and because the video mentioned peer supports there our a few fellow writers here who always support me and that I do appreciate even if I don`t always know how to respond to it.
Shout out (and thanks) to @Some Guy @flawed personality @Cave Troll Troll and everyone else here on the site in general. If the tortured writer must be a trope at least we can all be tortured together.
New Year New Me
New Year`s Resolutions
Linked into a lot of common malarkey. This idea that can get so ingrained in us once I move here, quit this job, or the new year begins this and that will change. I will change. We all want to change...at least something. Whether within us, what's around us, or the world, in general, it`s a common human desire as is the fear of it. While they do have an effect, a profound one actually. The new year can have this strong energy to it, the feelings of change and a clean state coming over you like a wave. While we may know that year`s our made for record-keeping (calendar years) but there`s this psychological phenomenon with the turn of one. This hyped-up feeling of a new chapter turning, new stories to be written.
The environment is crucial to all creatures, a species in the wrong environment can not survive. The same can be said from a mental and emotional lense, if you're depressed and anxious in an environment that keeps pushing you down you may never be able to find your way back up.
The trouble here comes on many levels, these types of changes or any substantial change for that matter can be hard and trying. Most never actually stick to them and even if you do sometimes they can only be half of the equation. A new year or a new place can be a great start going forward but it doesn`t make a new you nothing can....other then you.
The idea that resolutions or moving cities after a break up is built upon is that of a band-aid. Short-form fixes that may help heal or cover a wound but won`t repair anything on a fundamental level. That`s a longer less marketable less shareable process. The band-aid can be a good starting point but you have to be ready for the journey.
That, ladies and gentle creatures is where I find myself. In the middle of this great big road I`ve been walking a while but at the start of a whole new hill. Hopefull for its beauty but fearful that it may have none. Anyone who`s been listening to me whine and ramble here for a while, or who scrolls back down through this blog can see I talk about making changes and trying to walk new paths a lot. Remember that week I went without soda? Yeah....that was fun....I type with a box of cans and a six-pack of bottles bought for tonight at my feet. It`s not that I don`t make progress, I do, two steps forward and one back but it`s made. For everything, I mess up like college, or photography I take another good step like exhibiting my photos or landing my current job. It just never seems like enough for me and my crippling perfectionist brain. Nothing would be better than imperfection it screams at me illogically. That`s why the photos never got finished and why nothing ever gets written.
As someone who masochistically enjoys psychoanalyzing themselves, I think it has a lot to do with feeling like I`m starting behind a lot of other people. From being tired of feeling like I missed out on normal childhood things, things that defined and built people, and things that taught them how...to be. A world that I don`t get, one that I don`t always function great in. I want it all now, to be there right away because I`m afraid...that maybe I really can`t fucntoin...that I`m overestimating myself... I`m afraid that I`ll never get there.
I do think I`m making progress though, getting to where I need to be no matter what I tell myself. Slow and steady wins the race, there`s no one recipe to life as much as the white pickets that dominate society would love to cram those ideas down our throats. I feel like I`m getting there to where I have enough stable ground under my feet, that I`ve begun to understand enough to really start some new and old beginnings. Shaking off my years of being numb and repressed, awakening ready to walk a little further on my journey.
There are many environmental factors, that affect me atm but none of them are things I can change easily. I think it`s for the best though. My job is certainly a...roller coaster...some days are good even builds my confidence. Others....tear it down...hard. I`m not sure what it is about this month maybe there`s too much existential on my mind but it seems to be full of the later. I`m just trying to survive it honestly, it takes its toll and if I`m there for too long. That might be a high one. I do think I needed it though, I needed to build that foundation. The first seeds of independence for my sheltered abused ass.
A seed of independence that does need to be grown, my relationship with my mother is a complex one. I love her, of course, she`s my mother and being the single mother for a special needs child...she`s sacrificed a lot. I love and appreciate her for that and were both all the other has ever really had. The good doesn`t negate the more toxic and controlling sides to her though. The homophobia, the hatred towards mental health, the dehumanizing attitude towards ASD or ADHD, and her denial and refusal of her own issues or that I have any myself. It still feels...guilty...the idea of leaving her...I know what causes her issues...she could get help for them....but she refuses to....and at a certain point...that`s her choice. I am working on getting help, working on myself, and being better. At some point...I`ll have to pull back at least a little or I might drown.
Keywords at some point, the environmental changes are always the exciting ones but there not always the easy ones. They're also not the only essential ones. I grew up in a very toxic PA backwater that hadn`t been touched by the outside world for years. No cell reception and when they got dial-up there it was mind-blowing. Fun early years there being declared living in sin by the local church, death threats left on our door, and other hillbilly weirdness. When my stepfather passed we moved away from there and let me tell you....best dam thing we had ever done. We both would`ve died in that place. However, when we came here we thought it would change everything had these visions of the people we would become....that we didn`t. We tried started with therapy. Mother gave that up quick and I got pressured into doing the same. I quickly went back to being numb and she disliked her diagnosis and flew off the handle. We had changed our environment to our benefit but not ourselves. That`s what I`m starting with this time, working with a narrative therapist on the next chapter in my life. Trying to take little steps towards new beginnings, working within myself as well as outside of it.
The new year and decade has been a boon for that. Maybe it`s just being young and this being my first turn of the decade as an adult, maybe it`s how transitional 2019 felt, maybe it`s the futuristic way 2020 seems, maybe it`s the impending war, but for whatever reasons 2020 just feels very transformative in nature. Like I said above though you can`t ride this wave alone but I`ve been on this path for a while. Maybe not successfully as my many blog posts will tell you but even in those last days of December where I may have felt as I wasn`t making the steps I wanted to I still rearranged my room, made physical order representing the order I want to make in my life and other steps like that. The new year energy boosted that, hasn`t been exactly on-topic but it`s been coming and as much I bend myself out of shape over everything in my core I know that`s all I can really ask for.
This is the first of three years until my mother's predicted rapture.
May the first of the doomsday years be a year of beginnings and may January be a month of little beginnings old and new.
Oh look it`s me and my constant struggle....I feel attacked.
Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving week this past week. Mine started out in one place and ended in another. Monday was a great start to the week actually, short and easy day at work alleged start of the slow session. Seemed it in and out no problem, schedule up early, tacos for lunch, got to read my book on the bus home, home early, went out to Subway for a bit, ran into and helped an old friend and just had a good day. Kept to the routine easy enough, and that helped things go smoothly. Things go best when i`m keeping to one but keeping to one is such a struggle for me. See memes, there`s ways to do it though I just have to keep doing it. It`s may never click fully but i`ll just have to keep manually setting it keep it going. I like being out in the community passively, just observing it watching things doing the little actions that matter.
Tuesday...i`m not really remembering much about Tuesday. Maybe I was off? I can`t rightly remember. I do remember I messaged the Betterhelp counselor back finally. Then didn`t get back to him again until last night. He responded today, I read it....still need to replay to it. Tomorrow. As reluctant and slow as I am I do like him and have hopes for this. He use`s a narrative therapy style, which as a story teller and story lover resonates with me. Two things stuck out me tonight in his latest message, first a assumption based on certain things i`ve mentioned about my writing ability and talent, the second about naming the new chapter in my life "Escaping Quick Sand" and understanding how it relates to the chapters before it. The first....I don`t like. If only because...yeah. All through school I was praised on it, expected to go somewhere on it, even my dam evaluations which I don`t like reading due to chapters going on and on over all my weaknesses state that goals of writing fall within my strengths. To show for all of that I have.....never finished a writing project in I don`t even know how long. At least when I was being cringey and writing fanfic I was writing. It all just flopped.
The second thing I like much better. The escaping quicksand thing comes from ...the mud...which is a metaphor I decided to use for crippling unambitious effect caused by depression and other things on the spot.
Changing my mud to quicksand...drowning in muds more terrifying it liquidy, goopy, gets in your lungs as you try to claw you`r way out. Can almost picture like a mud monster wrapping around you pulling you down further and further. Quick sand`s pedestrian...i`m splitting hairs...and going kinda dark. I do want the next chapter to pulling past the mud. Actually building something on solid ground. I may feel like my times been wasted but I am still young.
Don`t know why I keep needing reminded of that.
Hump day went by without much note and that lead into Thanksgiving, Worked Thanksgiving which was fine, worked with one other person. Check outs got left out, and all my stay-overs no servied me so I just had to help the other finish there`s. Easy laid back day. Came home with food from my manger, and had a chill holiday.
Friday is about when things turned. Black Friday went black. I don`t know just a melancholy came over me. Went from work to a new Mexican restaurant in town for our own version of Thanksgiving dinner, that got most of it off for the night. Unttilll the next day..my routines got thrown off hard. Supply room door broke, saddled with a new worker who was...problematic..and my routine fell to shit. As did my work performance that day. That was lovely ...at least I was off for three days
which I did absolutely nothing with. I mean I did somethings. I spent way to much money on cyber Monday, I took my platonic life partner and her kid sisters to see Frozen 2, I finally responded to my therapist, I waited for the dam oil man to come, I went grocery shopping, I started packing lunches for work (because they started serving us spoiled food), I journaled, wrote down a list of goals, and rested.
Thats all fine and good but all that spare time and I just ....nothing to show for it. Remember how I said before about applying for Americorps summer session? I checked the site....I can do that now. No where near where I wanted to be by then but I can`t keep finding reasons to push push push off.
Dropped, close to 300 dollars (thats on Amazon you add up non amazon purchases its more) on a keyboard, new harmonicas, a YETI mic, a pocket synth and a 4k camcorder with a microphone. Guess i`ve gotta do something with some of the projects in my head now....got money on the line. Or it`s gone not....got money down.
I`m locked out of my account to check my bank balance to...can`t even find my SS card to change it. Need to sort out the room for that, and to set up the equipment. Guess it gives me a reason.
Most of it came today, and work went fine enough getting back into a routine. Want to add a hour in the morning and meal prep at night when I make my lunch. Got two more days off this week which seems insane. Though it`s fine by me, I don`t know how much longer I can just keep doing that job without going insane. In the very least I need a outlet outside of it. Plus the lower my check the more likely I can get my insurance back.
Something else happend Thanksgiving week. Mother came in on more of her weird conspiracy get rich quick things and claimed we had three years until the rapture.....
Do I believe that? Somethings causing a group of people to believe it, could there be some truth to it? Ive also just now overheard them compare antibiotics to chemo then chemo to mustard gas which is a bio weapon....sooo less faith. Mustard gas....why.....pick something that`s not a dam gas. Chemotherapy is radiation based.
The whole online conspiracy circle though....could write a book on that whole world one day....under a false name of course. It`s fascinating how linked it all is. You see the news cover Pizzagate, Q, and etc as separate small things but...there all linked as part of this large community that branches off into all these different factions.
But say it is just three more years
do I want it to be three more years of not being who I feel like I want to be? Like I need to be? Like I am?
A whole new decade, i`ll be twenty two. Better a late start then never, Just get started pulling through the quicksand whatever sticks when you get out....go from there. For at least the first three years of the decade if we die fine if we don`t......well then i`ll be ready for the world.
Where to even start though?
At the beginning I suppose one day, one project at the time, still nodding along to the day job and the Christmas backdrop. Just pull you`rselve up slowly whatever doesn`t land doesn`t land. Hopefully something does.
For now just get started.
For now though i`m late and my shoulders ache so i`m going to bed without even checking this.
All my worries don`t need no jury they just need me to decide i`m gonna try i`m gonna try. i`m trying i`m trying i`m trying.
That line about waiting hits me yo.
This whole post may not make any sense, I just kinda ramble. I type it for me though so it`s fine.
It`s 2:39 AM right now. I clock in for work at 8:30 AM. I should be sleeping. I tried that....I can`t. I took melatonin didn`t effect any. It`s gotten closer to three now. I can`t just lay there when I can`t sleep. My brain can`t take it, so now i`m up with rock music going through my headphones. Or it was....now it looped back to AJR.
Remember how I was building routine, taking my vitamins, and cutting the caffeine out? Well....I took my vitamins today. Yesterday...it`s past midnight...the day before I woke up feeling like someone had dumped a pile of bricks on me as I slept. My eye felt like I`d been cold cocked. Still does, which seeing as i`ve had a granuloma on that eye before bugs me. Had to go to a plastic surgeon...don`t want to do that again. I don`t know what happend went to bed early, slept fine, didn`t drink, and nothing that would lead to that just woke up in pain.
The no soda less sugar thing feel off right there, soda for lunch and bought two six packs on the way home from work.....I drank one today...that`s with restraint. ....I`m highly likely to be diabetic...if i`m not already. I can`t be doing this shit. I can`t be doing any of what I`ve been doing. Which is nothing.
All pretense of a routine went away that day and I was off today which was a blessing. Even though I did nothing however...got back to The Outer Worlds...my last play-through was low strength and dex high intelligence, charm, and precetpoion. Doing different choices as high strength, charm, and dex with low everything else. Productive.
I hate allways falling off, like i`m running in circles going nowhere. Every little step leads to ten back and the ones that do stick fell so dam little. Whenever I try a big step it falls apart because I don`t take the little ones. I need them but it feels so slow, like that`s all I ever do and i`m so far behind where I should be. I learned to walk later, started talking later, got a job later, when I go back to college that`ll be later, learned to tie my shoes later, and hell couldn`t turn a door knob on my own for a while. Still don`t know how to ride a bike. A bike thats such a building block thing, and no.
Everybody else got to start the race when the pistol popped and I had to wait a while. I want to get where they are not where I am. It shouldn`t be this hard to stick to something, and do it over and over. I can blame it on my ADHD or depression and maybe that`s valid or maybe i`m just weak. Maybe it doesn`t matter i`m still wasting my life away and it`s still all on me regardless of the reasoning.
when I was growing up I could function better, because there was always a fire. Life was constantly a state of crisis. I can handle crisis, because there`s no stopping and thinking. Just action, now, and have to do`s. Then the fires stopped...I should be happy....but I can`t function. I`m almost 22 and I still struggle to do even basic shit or pull myself out of bed in the morning. In a crisis or when it`s doing something for someone else i`m fine outside of that...no. Taking care of myself? I try, and then I back slide. The damage is probably already done.
I get sick of saying the same things over and over making the same post over and over and over and over. Going around with my word salad in my head over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
I want to be optimistic for 2020, that`ll be my decade. I`ll make it my decade! I do that though, "I`ll make this month my month." "I`ll do this at this point" and ...it fails.
I`m scared, tired, and just I wish I could skip ahead over all the hurdles. I`m so sick of it.
This always gives me hope though. I love her and I love this.
Thanksgiving week, then Christmas, then New Years, then my birthday month, then my dads death month,
I could wait for the holidays to pass....but you see how that would just go on forever.
I feel hopeless, but I have hope for the new year. ...,maybe.
I should try to sleep now.
Edit: Adding because I feel it should be added so I can acknowledge some small steps. Packed a lunch for work tomorrow. Was gonna meal prep but idk the kitchens a mess and we`ll be eating out at least two days this week. Idk. I also cleared my credit card up and got back to better-help and messaged my conseler. Piss poor responses but i`m tired and slightly depressed so anything is good.
Worried about work tomorrow if I cant get enough rest. It`s just the one supervisor whos condescending and makes me feel more and more broken then I already am but dam if I don`t want to deal with her tomorrow. She impiled that I wouldn`t even know how to boil water the other day
I`m a dam fine cook thank you very much
When I actually do it.
Separate names with a comma.