For reasons, I can't quite put a thumb While some days I truly do love you Others still it all just makes me numb That I yearn for escape can be true Though there is nowhere else to go So I duck behind a wisecrack Though maybe I just need to see you grow Steps forward and not back Let loose from wandering this plateau Where your river inside goes dry Before out it can flow I gaze into your eyes And scan the tenets of your face Perpetually unaware Of why it only ever feels out of place These ponderings bring us nowhere So I simply turn away from the glass
Ok so I`m just gonna dive right in like a kid who doesn't understand how depth in the swimming pool works. I`ve been wanting to do this, and sitting here for hours just staring at the box wanting to make things come out and my focus just flat lines like melodramatic ER show that can`t decide if it`s a drama or a comedy. Tried to use the binaural beats I always do and still nothing. Just put music on and go. It`s three past three already want to be done by four...gave myself an hour I guess. The thing that baffles me is all I want to do here is what I use this for which is brain dumps. Stream of consciousness rambling which this right here is in it`s purest forms. Thank you all for putting up with this shit. What did I even want to do this on? Well..... March broke me, just frankly. Like if you just scroll back in the blog you can me having a lot of hope for 2020 (which is still all there) and giving each month kind of a theme in the blog post here for that month. Which March didn`t get one. Though it is the 31st so I guess this counts though spiritually this is more looking forward towards April. ....when you're social distancing and a song with the line "I wish I was out tonight"...comes on..... February`s theme was....routines...or in the end...god knows what I put in the blog. January and the year was on old and new beginnings big or small. It seems kinda flip-flopping but I didn't want anything to in stone because you never know what life will bring or even if you're goals and wants will be the same from year start to year-end. I mean could anyone have predicted where the world is right now? I mean I was already feeling..oh I called this a great year of transformation and so far its been WW3 and fires....and then Covid was like hold my beer. I mean....it is going to be transformative for sure...and there are positive lights in all of this. I am improving and I do feel like this is the right path for me. Kinda been thinking of working on a tongue in cheek comedy piece on that. Self-improvement while the worlds on fire. March`s theme was supposed to be habit following a routine but it turned out to be more....mental decay. ...... as things do...I started out alright. Having trouble incorporating new habits but sticking to routines, and finishing a medium piece (that would later become quite ironic) then somewhere in there my brain went snap. To describe my mental state the past few weeks....I don`t even know how...it`s like everything kept locked up nice and tight started leaking out but it`d been tucked away so long I couldn`t fully tell what it was. You ever feel emotions and feel them strongly? But have no idea where they`re from or what they're about but it feels like...it`s just all right there clumping up on you`r chest bearing down upon you while you have no idea what to do with it. March-April holds a lot of...dates...pesky pesky little dates..that hold scar tissue and tickle memory...though really times an illusion...but its hard to tell that to one's soul.... what does that even mean... Honestly, I`m still a wreck.....not true.....I`m rattled and fractured still but i`m better. I`ll be ok but it isn`t going to be a breeze. From what I described and just realizing a lot of things I`ve tried to ignore. Things that don`t add up, it`s just a lot. Then COVID on top of that, work so hard to adjust to a routine and coping methods and my normal just flipped like a pancake and that fell apart a bit though it`s coming back together. Kinda retreated into sleeping, all the time any time. Did little things but hard to focus Squandered the extra free time kinda, or mabye I didn`t. Maybe forcing myself through would have made things worse...it did when I went through this type of thing in the past.. I don`t know.... This is making even less sense than they normally do and its three past four. Four past four... To sum it up. March was unproductive because I had a mini-breakdown again, I`m off most of if not all of april hoping to use it to recover and idk...build something...got some things I wanna get spinning. I think it`s gonna be alright ......Not quite ready for a mind dump I guess....Here`s to April.
With every, I thought I conquered. The second and one of my favorite months of the year has finally dawned upon us. February happens to be my birth month though that is not related to it being one of my favored months. I have no actual biases or reasoning for this thought but I have this idea that certain months just seem to be more creatively charged than others. February, March, April, and October specifically. Something energizing in that. Or so I`m hoping. Last October the energy didn`t seem to push enough. Even tonight, I spent the last handful of hours having this tab up and just watching youtube. The only reason I didn`t scrap it for now and go to bed is A. The point of these Junk Draw posts isn`t perfection. My Medium posts our polished, this is more of a brain dump and showing a more raw version of the thought process. That`s also mostly bullshit and this whole post was saved solely because I found this and wanted to try it. I don`t know whether or not it`s having any effect but the vibrations sure our something. ADHD or any focus problem really is hard to grapple with. Sitting down and wanting to read, write, or whatever the thing is but you're brain and your willpower just seem out of sync and you can`t bring yourself to focus no matter how much you feel like you're pushing and pushing yourself. All that pushing and pushing leads to feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from...doing nothing...essentially. In reality, it`s a lot of mental work, but it can feel like nothing because there`s no results or not the ones we`re programmed to expect. Our own internal feelings towards this can then be amplified by the fact that this internal hardship and struggle can`t be seen so it looks like you just aren`t doing the thing or making a choice. I can remember in college struggling to focus so hard in math class and the two boys next to me constantly ribbing and picking on how I didn`t do anything, or I didn`t care when I did care. A lot actually, and whether it was meant to be hurtful or not it did hurt, though ADHD also has a role in messing with emotion regulation sooo. One thing that stood out allways as the contrast in that math class though is the teacher. As boring and standard math professor as you could get, but he`s also one of the first people who actually acknowledge my ADHD without me every acknowledging it to them. It made it feel real like I know it`s real but both from internal dialogue and the family perspective my "symptoms" were faults of my own because I didn`t try or didn`t care enough. I never did end up passing that class and the professor probably doesn`t remember me but that was a very profound moment to me and always will be. Not sure why I really chose to tell that story. I touched on it already in a forum post here about being a writer and how my therapist did a similar thing with recognizing my storyteller nature and traits before I mentioned them. One shouldn`t base to much on how they're perceived by others but it does help soothe doubts you may have about yourself. It`s part of the reason I`ve felt more confident this year in working towards rebuilding myself towards what I see myself as. No longer thinking that self-view as skewed, and actually believing in myself enough to put the effort forth now that I`m in a place where I`m able to. My first Medium article talks a lot about this, as well as is the result of this. While it`s no great viral trend on the site, that doesn`t matter. It`s the step, that first writing, and the first step forward. Lots of steps like that in January there were. Also, a couple plates that fall to the floor with a resounding shatter. Those are the ones I think about most. For February it`s just about moving forward and trying not to get tripped up in the shame. Keep moving keep building. I started the new year working on a routine, that kinda fell away from me hoping to build that back up again. I also need to focus on my health more as I`m having some possible prediabetic worries. Some days the ADHD will win, but that doesn`t mean the shame has to. I turn 22 this month, and it`s something that...when I was a depressed 16 year I never imagined myself living past 22 and to being reaching that shore...it`s something. My first instinct is to look back at everything and around at where I am now and tell myself "What do you have to show for yourself at 22? What worth do you possibly have? A washed-up college drop out who can`t even manage his minimum wage pay from scrubbing toilets?" There`s more than that though. I survived and I`m working towards doing something anything with the unique voice that has given me. I may not be anywhere yet but I`m working on...something... I`m not even sure what it is myself yet. Also, money managing that`s another February goal...as my checking has like 100 dollars in it atm....feeling a lot of shame around that atm to. Welll...this one got away from me ... here I was planning to do some dribble about February being the month of the born again artist as I work more towards what I feel like is a lost part of myself. I guess that`s still in there too though. I should spell check this but I`m tired and going to bed sooo. Oh and because the video mentioned peer supports there our a few fellow writers here who always support me and that I do appreciate even if I don`t always know how to respond to it. Shout out (and thanks) to @Some Guy @flawed personality @Cave Troll Troll and everyone else here on the site in general. If the tortured writer must be a trope at least we can all be tortured together.
New Year New Me New Year`s Resolutions All malarkey!!! Linked into a lot of common malarkey. This idea that can get so ingrained in us once I move here, quit this job, or the new year begins this and that will change. I will change. We all want to change...at least something. Whether within us, what's around us, or the world, in general, it`s a common human desire as is the fear of it. While they do have an effect, a profound one actually. The new year can have this strong energy to it, the feelings of change and a clean state coming over you like a wave. While we may know that year`s our made for record-keeping (calendar years) but there`s this psychological phenomenon with the turn of one. This hyped-up feeling of a new chapter turning, new stories to be written. The environment is crucial to all creatures, a species in the wrong environment can not survive. The same can be said from a mental and emotional lense, if you're depressed and anxious in an environment that keeps pushing you down you may never be able to find your way back up. The trouble here comes on many levels, these types of changes or any substantial change for that matter can be hard and trying. Most never actually stick to them and even if you do sometimes they can only be half of the equation. A new year or a new place can be a great start going forward but it doesn`t make a new you nothing can....other then you. The idea that resolutions or moving cities after a break up is built upon is that of a band-aid. Short-form fixes that may help heal or cover a wound but won`t repair anything on a fundamental level. That`s a longer less marketable less shareable process. The band-aid can be a good starting point but you have to be ready for the journey. That, ladies and gentle creatures is where I find myself. In the middle of this great big road I`ve been walking a while but at the start of a whole new hill. Hopefull for its beauty but fearful that it may have none. Anyone who`s been listening to me whine and ramble here for a while, or who scrolls back down through this blog can see I talk about making changes and trying to walk new paths a lot. Remember that week I went without soda? Yeah....that was fun....I type with a box of cans and a six-pack of bottles bought for tonight at my feet. It`s not that I don`t make progress, I do, two steps forward and one back but it`s made. For everything, I mess up like college, or photography I take another good step like exhibiting my photos or landing my current job. It just never seems like enough for me and my crippling perfectionist brain. Nothing would be better than imperfection it screams at me illogically. That`s why the photos never got finished and why nothing ever gets written. As someone who masochistically enjoys psychoanalyzing themselves, I think it has a lot to do with feeling like I`m starting behind a lot of other people. From being tired of feeling like I missed out on normal childhood things, things that defined and built people, and things that taught them how...to be. A world that I don`t get, one that I don`t always function great in. I want it all now, to be there right away because I`m afraid...that maybe I really can`t fucntoin...that I`m overestimating myself... I`m afraid that I`ll never get there. I do think I`m making progress though, getting to where I need to be no matter what I tell myself. Slow and steady wins the race, there`s no one recipe to life as much as the white pickets that dominate society would love to cram those ideas down our throats. I feel like I`m getting there to where I have enough stable ground under my feet, that I`ve begun to understand enough to really start some new and old beginnings. Shaking off my years of being numb and repressed, awakening ready to walk a little further on my journey. There are many environmental factors, that affect me atm but none of them are things I can change easily. I think it`s for the best though. My job is certainly a...roller coaster...some days are good even builds my confidence. Others....tear it down...hard. I`m not sure what it is about this month maybe there`s too much existential on my mind but it seems to be full of the later. I`m just trying to survive it honestly, it takes its toll and if I`m there for too long. That might be a high one. I do think I needed it though, I needed to build that foundation. The first seeds of independence for my sheltered abused ass. A seed of independence that does need to be grown, my relationship with my mother is a complex one. I love her, of course, she`s my mother and being the single mother for a special needs child...she`s sacrificed a lot. I love and appreciate her for that and were both all the other has ever really had. The good doesn`t negate the more toxic and controlling sides to her though. The homophobia, the hatred towards mental health, the dehumanizing attitude towards ASD or ADHD, and her denial and refusal of her own issues or that I have any myself. It still feels...guilty...the idea of leaving her...I know what causes her issues...she could get help for them....but she refuses to....and at a certain point...that`s her choice. I am working on getting help, working on myself, and being better. At some point...I`ll have to pull back at least a little or I might drown. Keywords at some point, the environmental changes are always the exciting ones but there not always the easy ones. They're also not the only essential ones. I grew up in a very toxic PA backwater that hadn`t been touched by the outside world for years. No cell reception and when they got dial-up there it was mind-blowing. Fun early years there being declared living in sin by the local church, death threats left on our door, and other hillbilly weirdness. When my stepfather passed we moved away from there and let me tell you....best dam thing we had ever done. We both would`ve died in that place. However, when we came here we thought it would change everything had these visions of the people we would become....that we didn`t. We tried started with therapy. Mother gave that up quick and I got pressured into doing the same. I quickly went back to being numb and she disliked her diagnosis and flew off the handle. We had changed our environment to our benefit but not ourselves. That`s what I`m starting with this time, working with a narrative therapist on the next chapter in my life. Trying to take little steps towards new beginnings, working within myself as well as outside of it. The new year and decade has been a boon for that. Maybe it`s just being young and this being my first turn of the decade as an adult, maybe it`s how transitional 2019 felt, maybe it`s the futuristic way 2020 seems, maybe it`s the impending war, but for whatever reasons 2020 just feels very transformative in nature. Like I said above though you can`t ride this wave alone but I`ve been on this path for a while. Maybe not successfully as my many blog posts will tell you but even in those last days of December where I may have felt as I wasn`t making the steps I wanted to I still rearranged my room, made physical order representing the order I want to make in my life and other steps like that. The new year energy boosted that, hasn`t been exactly on-topic but it`s been coming and as much I bend myself out of shape over everything in my core I know that`s all I can really ask for. This is the first of three years until my mother's predicted rapture. May the first of the doomsday years be a year of beginnings and may January be a month of little beginnings old and new.
Spoiler View attachment 23024 View attachment 23025 Oh look it`s me and my constant struggle....I feel attacked. Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving week this past week. Mine started out in one place and ended in another. Monday was a great start to the week actually, short and easy day at work alleged start of the slow session. Seemed it in and out no problem, schedule up early, tacos for lunch, got to read my book on the bus home, home early, went out to Subway for a bit, ran into and helped an old friend and just had a good day. Kept to the routine easy enough, and that helped things go smoothly. Things go best when i`m keeping to one but keeping to one is such a struggle for me. See memes, there`s ways to do it though I just have to keep doing it. It`s may never click fully but i`ll just have to keep manually setting it keep it going. I like being out in the community passively, just observing it watching things doing the little actions that matter. Tuesday...i`m not really remembering much about Tuesday. Maybe I was off? I can`t rightly remember. I do remember I messaged the Betterhelp counselor back finally. Then didn`t get back to him again until last night. He responded today, I read it....still need to replay to it. Tomorrow. As reluctant and slow as I am I do like him and have hopes for this. He use`s a narrative therapy style, which as a story teller and story lover resonates with me. Two things stuck out me tonight in his latest message, first a assumption based on certain things i`ve mentioned about my writing ability and talent, the second about naming the new chapter in my life "Escaping Quick Sand" and understanding how it relates to the chapters before it. The first....I don`t like. If only because...yeah. All through school I was praised on it, expected to go somewhere on it, even my dam evaluations which I don`t like reading due to chapters going on and on over all my weaknesses state that goals of writing fall within my strengths. To show for all of that I have.....never finished a writing project in I don`t even know how long. At least when I was being cringey and writing fanfic I was writing. It all just flopped. The second thing I like much better. The escaping quicksand thing comes from ...the mud...which is a metaphor I decided to use for crippling unambitious effect caused by depression and other things on the spot. Changing my mud to quicksand...drowning in muds more terrifying it liquidy, goopy, gets in your lungs as you try to claw you`r way out. Can almost picture like a mud monster wrapping around you pulling you down further and further. Quick sand`s pedestrian...i`m splitting hairs...and going kinda dark. I do want the next chapter to pulling past the mud. Actually building something on solid ground. I may feel like my times been wasted but I am still young. Don`t know why I keep needing reminded of that. Hump day went by without much note and that lead into Thanksgiving, Worked Thanksgiving which was fine, worked with one other person. Check outs got left out, and all my stay-overs no servied me so I just had to help the other finish there`s. Easy laid back day. Came home with food from my manger, and had a chill holiday. Friday is about when things turned. Black Friday went black. I don`t know just a melancholy came over me. Went from work to a new Mexican restaurant in town for our own version of Thanksgiving dinner, that got most of it off for the night. Unttilll the next day..my routines got thrown off hard. Supply room door broke, saddled with a new worker who was...problematic..and my routine fell to shit. As did my work performance that day. That was lovely ...at least I was off for three days which I did absolutely nothing with. I mean I did somethings. I spent way to much money on cyber Monday, I took my platonic life partner and her kid sisters to see Frozen 2, I finally responded to my therapist, I waited for the dam oil man to come, I went grocery shopping, I started packing lunches for work (because they started serving us spoiled food), I journaled, wrote down a list of goals, and rested. Thats all fine and good but all that spare time and I just ....nothing to show for it. Remember how I said before about applying for Americorps summer session? I checked the site....I can do that now. No where near where I wanted to be by then but I can`t keep finding reasons to push push push off. Dropped, close to 300 dollars (thats on Amazon you add up non amazon purchases its more) on a keyboard, new harmonicas, a YETI mic, a pocket synth and a 4k camcorder with a microphone. Guess i`ve gotta do something with some of the projects in my head now....got money on the line. Or it`s gone not....got money down. I`m locked out of my account to check my bank balance to...can`t even find my SS card to change it. Need to sort out the room for that, and to set up the equipment. Guess it gives me a reason. Most of it came today, and work went fine enough getting back into a routine. Want to add a hour in the morning and meal prep at night when I make my lunch. Got two more days off this week which seems insane. Though it`s fine by me, I don`t know how much longer I can just keep doing that job without going insane. In the very least I need a outlet outside of it. Plus the lower my check the more likely I can get my insurance back. Something else happend Thanksgiving week. Mother came in on more of her weird conspiracy get rich quick things and claimed we had three years until the rapture..... Do I believe that? Somethings causing a group of people to believe it, could there be some truth to it? Ive also just now overheard them compare antibiotics to chemo then chemo to mustard gas which is a bio weapon....sooo less faith. Mustard gas....why.....pick something that`s not a dam gas. Chemotherapy is radiation based. The whole online conspiracy circle though....could write a book on that whole world one day....under a false name of course. It`s fascinating how linked it all is. You see the news cover Pizzagate, Q, and etc as separate small things but...there all linked as part of this large community that branches off into all these different factions. But say it is just three more years do I want it to be three more years of not being who I feel like I want to be? Like I need to be? Like I am? A whole new decade, i`ll be twenty two. Better a late start then never, Just get started pulling through the quicksand whatever sticks when you get out....go from there. For at least the first three years of the decade if we die fine if we don`t......well then i`ll be ready for the world. Where to even start though? At the beginning I suppose one day, one project at the time, still nodding along to the day job and the Christmas backdrop. Just pull you`rselve up slowly whatever doesn`t land doesn`t land. Hopefully something does. For now just get started. For now though i`m late and my shoulders ache so i`m going to bed without even checking this. All my worries don`t need no jury they just need me to decide i`m gonna try i`m gonna try. i`m trying i`m trying i`m trying. That line about waiting hits me yo. This whole post may not make any sense, I just kinda ramble. I type it for me though so it`s fine.
It`s 2:39 AM right now. I clock in for work at 8:30 AM. I should be sleeping. I tried that....I can`t. I took melatonin didn`t effect any. It`s gotten closer to three now. I can`t just lay there when I can`t sleep. My brain can`t take it, so now i`m up with rock music going through my headphones. Or it was....now it looped back to AJR. Remember how I was building routine, taking my vitamins, and cutting the caffeine out? Well....I took my vitamins today. Yesterday...it`s past midnight...the day before I woke up feeling like someone had dumped a pile of bricks on me as I slept. My eye felt like I`d been cold cocked. Still does, which seeing as i`ve had a granuloma on that eye before bugs me. Had to go to a plastic surgeon...don`t want to do that again. I don`t know what happend went to bed early, slept fine, didn`t drink, and nothing that would lead to that just woke up in pain. The no soda less sugar thing feel off right there, soda for lunch and bought two six packs on the way home from work.....I drank one today...that`s with restraint. ....I`m highly likely to be diabetic...if i`m not already. I can`t be doing this shit. I can`t be doing any of what I`ve been doing. Which is nothing. All pretense of a routine went away that day and I was off today which was a blessing. Even though I did nothing however...got back to The Outer Worlds...my last play-through was low strength and dex high intelligence, charm, and precetpoion. Doing different choices as high strength, charm, and dex with low everything else. Productive. I hate allways falling off, like i`m running in circles going nowhere. Every little step leads to ten back and the ones that do stick fell so dam little. Whenever I try a big step it falls apart because I don`t take the little ones. I need them but it feels so slow, like that`s all I ever do and i`m so far behind where I should be. I learned to walk later, started talking later, got a job later, when I go back to college that`ll be later, learned to tie my shoes later, and hell couldn`t turn a door knob on my own for a while. Still don`t know how to ride a bike. A bike thats such a building block thing, and no. Everybody else got to start the race when the pistol popped and I had to wait a while. I want to get where they are not where I am. It shouldn`t be this hard to stick to something, and do it over and over. I can blame it on my ADHD or depression and maybe that`s valid or maybe i`m just weak. Maybe it doesn`t matter i`m still wasting my life away and it`s still all on me regardless of the reasoning. when I was growing up I could function better, because there was always a fire. Life was constantly a state of crisis. I can handle crisis, because there`s no stopping and thinking. Just action, now, and have to do`s. Then the fires stopped...I should be happy....but I can`t function. I`m almost 22 and I still struggle to do even basic shit or pull myself out of bed in the morning. In a crisis or when it`s doing something for someone else i`m fine outside of that...no. Taking care of myself? I try, and then I back slide. The damage is probably already done. I get sick of saying the same things over and over making the same post over and over and over and over. Going around with my word salad in my head over and over and over and over and over and over and over. I want to be optimistic for 2020, that`ll be my decade. I`ll make it my decade! I do that though, "I`ll make this month my month." "I`ll do this at this point" and ...it fails. I`m scared, tired, and just I wish I could skip ahead over all the hurdles. I`m so sick of it. This always gives me hope though. I love her and I love this. Thanksgiving week, then Christmas, then New Years, then my birthday month, then my dads death month, I could wait for the holidays to pass....but you see how that would just go on forever. I feel hopeless, but I have hope for the new year. ...,maybe. I should try to sleep now. Edit: Adding because I feel it should be added so I can acknowledge some small steps. Packed a lunch for work tomorrow. Was gonna meal prep but idk the kitchens a mess and we`ll be eating out at least two days this week. Idk. I also cleared my credit card up and got back to better-help and messaged my conseler. Piss poor responses but i`m tired and slightly depressed so anything is good. Worried about work tomorrow if I cant get enough rest. It`s just the one supervisor whos condescending and makes me feel more and more broken then I already am but dam if I don`t want to deal with her tomorrow. She impiled that I wouldn`t even know how to boil water the other day I`m a dam fine cook thank you very much When I actually do it.
Failing might just mean you`r trying to climb instead of swim. It`s 1:20 as I type this. These past two days off have included a lot of procrastination. I did finish my first play-through of space Skyri...err Outer Worlds. So hopefully that won`t be distracting me for a while. Mabbbye the additive part of the game is the freedom it gives you which can lead to very unexpected things. Have been making little steps of progress. If I can get key things done today that`ll be enough. I don`t think I need to explain what the Hero`s Journey is to a writers forum. I just love puppets. Great advice in here. Especially in the brain dumping and starting small or end badly. Ok so lets brain dump some goals and plans I wish to achieve at some point. Find a better suited job, go back to college, give back to community, become more organised, counseling, start writing on Medium, start doing Goodread reviews, read more, start a podcast. do more for the people in my life, get in shape, write books, write short stories, write poetry, do spoken word, learn to fence, learn keyboard, get back to playing harmonica, meal prep, set up a server for my extra files, implant more stargies in my life, build confidence, mediate, study Buddhism, learn more, travel, adventure, be more social, get into book selling, open a bookstore, honor my fathers name, honor my great grandfathers name, learn slight of hand, do stand up comedy, stop making excuses, declutter, deep clean and change my room, move out, manage my money better, invest, do more with my photography, make videos,have more traditions, feel less numb, enjoy life more, go to dragoncon, go to steal city comic con, vist the boxing hall of fame (my father`s in a photo there, hes not the main subject but he`s there) help people, make people happy, do something with Americorps, don`t be a failure, That`s enough for now. On the podcast thing I had a idea for one a while back called Loremaster where I talk about broad topics in the lens and scopes of history, philosophy, impacts, and etc. Realized that`s all very lofty and i`m a college drop out not really qualified. That`s when the name Under-qualified Overthinking came to me. Scale back the loftiness a tad, be me talking about various topics split into segments. Some current events, thoughts, musings, stream lined rambling on broad topics, etc. Probably never come to pass but hey, it`s got a name. On book`s I have a list of ideas Detective Shade which while featuring a coyote shiftier detective is more taking place in the aftermath of a urban fantasy thriller. Him dealing with PTSD, and his past while working in missing persons paired with a run away punk rock native american teen forced to live with his distant father who recognizes him as the Coyote of Indigenous folk lore come to help him. A focus more on internal conflict and identity and how much of it defines you and how much of it you define. There`s also a sword and sorcery adventure story Our Heros of Heart and Stone, Agent Royaldale is a urban fantasy series with The Order of The Dragon surviving into modern day as a Illuminati type force starring a half dragon fbi agent. A scfi book kinda...ok so The Hunchback of Notre Dame was written to showcase the cathedral over the actual story. Hugo wanted to stop it from being destroyed. The story here is more of a excuse for me to take the current space treaty's and plans we have in place and constructing a setting around based on as much of a realistic progression of those as I can. The name being Galtaic Affairs. There`s more where that came from. Not to mention shorts, none of this written I just....keep it in my head. I`ll vist them sometimes just sit there and stim going through the plot and the characters tweaking things as it moves. Seeing how things play out, what works, what works. Still need to actually put them on paper...or I could just keep them all to myself until I go to my grave... Getting ahead of myself. A lot. Start small or end badly. Right now need to focus on setting routines and habits, at home and at work. With the room thing in the background. While doing the room put books you don`t need/want (this`ll be hard) into a box and figure out what to do with them from there. Take the unread books you`r keeping and orgnise them into a to be read list. In a bigger picture sense, keep going at work building a basic routine and traditions, add new things as you feel comfortable. Why is this now in the third person? Keep an eye on the Americorps site for when applicantoins for FCC summer part opens up. If I don`t get accepted around August try for the local Americorps Vista positions. Peer support or the environmental l contravention stewardship. If I get deneyed from all of those go back to school, if I get accepted somewhere go to school after....you`ll have a nice education award to spend. It`s allmost three though lets focus on today. I should call work soon and check my schedule, there`s no way i`m off tomorrow but hey. Keep forgetting the trash, so need to get that out, platonic life partners been getting overwhelmed bought her a gift gotta take that up after her work, try and be more open with her, start some basic sorting and laundry, do some basic planning from my computer. Figuring out the money situation...thats pressing. Could`ve should`ve started doing some of this allready today but can`t focus on that just need to get it done. Upcoming traditions, try and get Monday after Thanksgiving off though it`s cutting it close. Tuesday doesn`t matter I can work go to the church dinner after work. Only real tradiatoin we`ve had third year. Thanksgiving if I work which I most likely will do the buffet at the hotel after work. I do not care about black Friday. i do hope I get out early enough to partake in Small Business Saturday though. Cyber Monday is of course online but having it off is because it`s the first day of hunting...I don`t hunt but schools are off and Life Partners little sisters will be off and there father hunts. So she`ll probably be left taking care of them, which I like to help out with. That`s not to mention her work schedule. Movies are a big thing over Thanksgiving right? We`ve never celebrated holidays in my house. Could take them to a movie that`d be nice. IDk whats even out. I should get off of here and call work
I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me. My mantra for the end of 2019 and all of 2020. So on Thursday I posted Melancholy Hill and then went to bed. Shout out to Some Guy for his constant support and comradely. Even if I don`t reply to it, I appreciate it. Friday started off normal and fine enough. Been keeping a morning routine well enough, even if I do squeeze every last second of sleep in I can and get up with just enough time to get around for work. Keeping it simple seems to be working though. Work went smoothly enough, came home with the intention of working towards things. In a relativity good and motivated mood. Then fell into the chaos of home here. Ended up feeling burnt out from situations I can`t do anything about at this point and losing time. I mean I don`t remember falling asleep but....I woke up and I don`t remember a good few hours so I just passed out into an exhaustion sleep....probably. These situations I can`t do anything to change but just keep taking to much out of me. I need to focus on building myself up to where i`m stable, before I can help anyone. Bring people up on my come up. Satuarday was a amazing day at work really. Went in with only 12 rooms per person, wiped that out quick then covered another persons rooms after she got sick and threw up all over a room. Hopefully I don`t catch that. Finished early, and didn`t leave any dirty rooms out minus the throw up room. After work....was a party.....not really my scene but I do appercite being included. It was my managers house warming/birthday mostly just her family and work people. It was alright lots of people I didn`t know, loud music I couldn`t hear anything over, and a crowded room....all things that put me on edge. Maybe it`s just because I can be overly sensitive to auditory situmli but I seemed to be the only one for which every other sound was drowned out by the music. Other people were talking fine, but i couldn`t hear nothing but the music. Maybe it`s just my social anxiety but even when being included I still felt kinda left out in a setting like that. I tried drinking, maybe it would unwind me, everybody there was drinking. Four wine-coolers and no effect. No buzz, no feeling more social, no feeling more comfortable, and only a headache in the morning, I`ve kinda decided to not drink anymore. It doesn`t do anything for me, and it`s just putting something harmful in me mainly to fit in. I mean if I had ever felt some effect maybe that`d be different but I really only drink in social situations. Same with...a certain illegal plant....might as well just not put my already poor body through that for no benefit. There was a slight moment at the party. A couple nights ago, the room count at the hotel kept ticking up and up and up. Me, my supervisor, and my work wife (I proposed with a ring pop....that`s a whole story....we work hard so we also just do random fucking shit to blow off steam...we`re a funny bunch) were all doing rooms together to try and get out of there. The work wife is going on talking talking, which is fine. I`m just different I hyper focus when i`m trying to work. I give basic, yeah answers. She was talking about taking a future trip back home to Trinidad and I asked when her Bora Bora trip was. Turns out they were instead going to Vegas. That conversation then took a turn, and I got invited to both Trinidad and Vegas. I gave it a shrug off yeah maybe answer but I at least felt really included by the invite. Fast forward to the party. There was a moment towards the end of it, where the work wife just randomly brings up..catching me off guard..."Kinz (well my real name) said he wants to go to Vegas with us." and idk if it`s just my social ineptitude, or over thinking everything but that seemed to shift everything. First off, I didn`t concentrate agree to a invantoin I was given. That wording (to me) at least made it sound more like I was trying to intrude upon a trip which wasn`t the case. I don`t even know if Vegas would be my scene. I mean I can see where it could be buffets, magic shows, comedians, musicians, sight seeing, and I do like going to urban settings and feeling just the bustle of the street. I like just watching life unfold on the street around me if that makes any sense. However this trip would probably more include gambling and booze which...I don`t know just dones`t tingle my loins. The dam supervisor even went as far as to go. "Really Kinz" to that, which I don`t know how to take, but also YOU WERE THERE. You know the context, of that why are you reallying me? Idk while I somewhat fit in with this group, I don`t competlly I don`t know if I fit in anywhere fully. Even those who I do connect better with and our closet to me...I sometimes wonder if thats a two way thing or one way....I don`t know. Also remind me I owe a coworker some money from the cab home. Then came Sunday, woke up with a splitting head ache. Once I got water into me and into the flow of working it went away. I started a detox in a way. Not one of those detox diet fads which are mostly all bull crap. No just something simpler. I made the above decision that morning that I will no longer be doing certain things just for social sake. I also kinda just randomly tossed in there to cut down on my caffeine problem. I`ve had a caffeine problem for....as far back as I can remember. Kinda funny that this is the one adicatoin I fell into. Depressed, traumatized, and socially inept. I could`ve been a smoker, or a drinker but I never did. There was a fear there, always had a lot on my shoulders and may or may not be somewhat tightly wound. The idea of drinking or getting high and then dropping a ball....no I drop balls well enough sober I couldn`t afford that. Caffeine though, there`s no headache to sneaking around and it keeps you awake and alert (not really but) it`s been whats kept me chugging for as long as I can recall. About four or five sodas a day in the least. I`ve cut back a little sometimes but always right back there at the first hint of stress. ....as of typing this haven`t had a single caffeinated drop in three days. Four if I get through today. Cold brew teas in the morning, a sweet green tea they have at work for lunch, and a detox tea after work. Not that kind you think it`s just a cleansing brew, of different herbs and such. Also got my Care of vitamin shipment finally in there easy to take little packs. Been taking one each day along with a eye vitamin, vitamin c, and these chocolate vitamins I found. turmeric, probitic, sleep aid, and calm one. Been taking those every morning. Have been cheating and slipping in some Ginger ale Lemonade but shush. It`s not caffeinated. All the sugar though...probably less then cola though. Maybe. Want to go into the new decade strong, strong and clear. Sunday at work went pretty ok, only rooms were all the ones that checked out. That still ended up being a lot. Coming home, I did my tea and sat down here to write a blog titled "Treat you`r body like a temple fill it with wine" and ...just stared at the screen for a few hours then went to bed. Monday was just the rooms left from Sunday. The rooms cleaned on Sunday were still clean which was nice. Work on Monday wasn`t terrible other then....I got a cart from laundry to keep the laundry in to take it down to the laundry room. I took it up to fourth floor to turn my keys in at the office, and set it by the elevator...then took the stairs out forgetting it...had to go back in to take it down. That was on Sunday. Got told to never do that again on Monday, which fair enough but there was an implication there like I did it on purpose as to pass on my responsibility. No I`m just a scatterbrain there`s no malicious intent in there. There`s more here but we`ll get to that. Monday was also the start of the remote saga. Well Sunday was but. The remotes! Ok so my last room on Sunday the remote was missing I check under the beds in every room before I make it. Didn`t see it. I then checked while the older supervisor was in there. Thought I saw something went to get it ...nothing. Fast forward to Monday the matnice man found the remote...under the bed....so I caught the hell for that. A friend (my platonic life partner) brought up that ghosts do that move things around and then put it back. It`s a sign of paranormal activey. I work on the floor everybody claims is haunted, and I have heard like random belly laughs after I run into something even though i`m alone and stuff like that. Nothing that`s ever bothered me, I doubt it`s anything and if it is it`s just a easily amused ghost. Her explanation while interesting helps me zero because the ghost did it would not fly over well. I was talking to a paranormal investigator on tinder for a bit maybe he could check it out. Though he ghosted me... That`s ironic. Work went fine from there. Last room got rushed because the older supervisor (just to differentiate from the other supervisor i`ve already mentioned) wanted to catch her bus which...fine. That`s fair enough. I came home made my detox and went to finally continue my counseling on Betterhelp which i`ve been putting off responding to. Hit to send the message. Got a payment error message....may have maxed my credit card...thats a problem gonna have to check that today....for that night though I just rolled into bed. Need to get better at managing my money.. to much like my father I even wad up my cash like him. Which we both had ADHD and dyscalculia so maybe rather then an inhertend personality trait we just had simaler executive functioning struggles. Then came Tuesday. Rooms cleaned Sun and Mon were still clean but all the non used rooms on 2nd apparently got rented out because so...
This is a beautiful cover. Lends it`s own thing to the song. "Momma said fulfill the prophecy go be something great. Manifest destiny" I`ve had a few near death experiences in my short life. Two as a young child before I could even really have memories. Car crash and a sociopathic (not hyperbole) uncle who was worried about my share of a family inheritance respectively. ...wtf is with the inheritance issues on both sides of my family....If I ever amass anything with worth it`s all going to charity when I pass....not the point. Another car crash, when I was older, two drowning incidents , and three suicide attempts. Not to mention the time someone tried to strangle me or the multiple death threats my family got when I was a kid. Funny enough, I didn`t have a lot as a kid in ways of fancy toys. So when someone hung a brand new Elmo doll in a nose from a tree as a omnuis message I ended up keeping it and dragged that thing around everywhere. Suicide me Elmo. I somehow manged to make it through all that mostly unscathed. I don`t know how the hell that was done. I also glowed in the dark for a while after my dad passed while he was holding me as a baby. Never dropped me though. My mother being a supertouis and spiritual person...who sometimes takes all that a little to far....wraps that all together as having some great meaning. That some sort of angel held me there when my father died until she got home, and that they kept me on this earth because of some purpose I had to do. Hell there`s no way to prove this but because I never cried in the car crash as a baby she honestly believes I died then and came back...I feel like at that young a age had I died i`d had been dead dead....but the idea that some enity sent me back has been stuck in her head for as long as I can remember. You know the pressure that shit felt like growing up? Still does. This idea of some grandous purpose like i`m some essential npc. As of yet I have not fulfilled that prophecy or come any close to that measure. College drop out, clinically depressed, yet to "overcome" the ADHD or the autism, not very frugal with my money, working a unimpressive job(would be if people actually knew the shit we go through daily), still haven`t used my "great voice" as a writer, kinda just stuck, and a list of other things she views as disappointments. There`s also the fact my belief in her pizzagate the queens a lizard consipacry theories only goes so far. Our relationship`s complicated. Strained and breaking but we`ve both never really had anyone in this world we could relay on other then each other so we just begrudgingly keep going same as always. It`s not even her pressure, I`m used to that and I can kinda shrug it off. It`s the pressure from myself that breaks me. I constantly want to change push pass all the scar tissue the numbness, and all of it. Everytime I slip up on the way I toss in the towel and hate myself even more. I make strides slowly, but it`s not enough nothing ever comes together smoothly. The voices in my head still go on and on and on on. I take a few little steps one way so many back. It`s not lack of ambition, I have that. I have this drive inside of me, things I want to do, visions, and it`d probably be easier if I didn`t. Goals, hopes, dreams, and ambitions that`s all there. What`s missing is almost ...drive....hope...just the ability to pass this wall of dread and get up and get started. Trouble getting things started or switching tasks is a ADHD symptom.....or maybe i`m just a lazy bastard. Growing up has made me numb and I just want to feel again. I was off today after a six day stretch. Go back for five more then two days off. After that who knows. Checking my sadly underused 2019-2020 planner there`s a week before Thanksgiving week. What the hell. November isn`t supposed to be this short I tell you. All my plans for November kinda slipped away there. Looking at the planner, I have a mangers house party on Sat, then a week to get in the day off requests for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and the Saturday and Monday after. If that many will be granted. Though if Sunday starts a new week, two days off a week. Idk. Supposed to be slow around Thanksgiving. Idk what to put in the reasons section. If I put those in I will probably get put working Thanksgiving but I hardly mind. We don`t really do holidays or tradition or anything of that sort. If I get off early I can go use my discount on the hotels Thanksgiving meal. My only plan if I got it off was to see if I could volenteer the day at the soup kitchen or something. Though doing that sort of thing only on holidays always rubbed me wrong. Like it only matters once a year because some words got scribbled on a calendar. Though they can be a good time to start. Barley got the ball rolling on my November goals. I kinda just slowly moved some pebbles this month. Today I got up, cancelled a doctors appointment I no longer have the insurance to cover then mostly just rested and ate cheese cake. Work wiped me out this week so maybe I needed it but there`s so much in my head that I want to do. Deep clean my room, write, and the list goes on but my body need it`s rest. Thing is when I rest my brain tends to take it as failure. Doesn`t help I have little balance between anything. Resting or working its one unhealthy extreme or the other. Mother came home, won some kind of award at work. Went out to celebrate ...well I was celebrating that...she couldn`t have cared less. She was celebrating the supposedly good things going on with her get rich quick scheme which involves Trump being a space god....thats a thing. I was fine enough going in but somewhere in the middle ended up getting this intense melancholy come over me. Not sure why, probably really isn`t a reason. I am kinda feeling remotivated to get back on the wagon and try to actually start the path i`ve been trying to walk for a while now again.....starting tomorrow.... I`ve already taken steps on it slowly...but that`s not good enough for me or my anxiety. That`ll be for tomorrow though. Tonight riding this melancholy out, getting one last piece of cheesecake, talking to my two best-friends (one about a new job and staying up with the other until there girl friend returns home from a over twelve hour day.) watching Stumptown and then going to bed so tomorrow can come even sooner. I don`t know if these are even coherent but as a decompression method there not bad.
I don`t know what i`m saying ether. I love Watsky, I love music, I love storytelling, and I love lyrics. His lyrics our always great, which before music he was part of the slam poetry scene so....that accounts for that. Once a poet always a poet. This song touches me on a lot of levels. Composition wise its just very pleasant sounding and calm. The whole things just feels very intimate. More so then that this is Watsky touching on and singing about a bunch of scattered but related things. The death of his fathers friend, noticing his father getting older, and etc. It`s all then tied together with that chorus line. I don`t know what i`m saying but I mean it. I feel that...very much. Take these decompression blogs I`ll call them. Unpolished, stream of thought. I really have no idea what i`m saying here but I know I feel it. Someone in a thread today was talking about archetypes. The wounded healer is one of those, under Carl Jungs school of thought. Jungs someone I`ve read a lot of and about, I`d call myself a supporter of his theories s and views. The wounded healer is also something I would roughly put myself under. Roughly. Really it`s one of an analyst seeking to heal patients due to his own wounds. That`s a bare bones defantoin. I am of course not a therapist let alone a psychoanalyst. I do however feel like you can extrapolate wounded healer out of that context, and put it into a broader sense of wanting to help others due to you`r own wounds or own pain. Which is a fairly common thing or at least idea. Not necessarily a bad one though, where it does get mucky is putting the healing of others before the healing of you`rself or using it to replace your own. Not that you can`t heal while helping others on the contrary. It can actually be a big part on you`r own path of healing. However simply replacing you`r own problems with someone else doesn`t end great. I`ve tried it. The part about carrying the fathers name and his dreams also hits with me. My father did a interesting thing naming me. So much back story to all of that but cliff notes. My great grandfather was a Scottish boy sent out on his own as a Shepard boy who was then kidnapped by the British from Scotland (they used to do that because they found the practice savage) and raised to be a gardener in the Queens gardens. He then stowed away on a boat to America, became the gardener for the governor, knocked up the governs daughter who then died in child birth, got cut off from his children and started the states largest bootlegging opurtoin during prohibition through the governors estates. He then took the booze money and got control of all the horses in Boston so every milk delviary was using horses leased from him and died a wealthy man in his own right still an outcast. His daughter grew up in a world apart from him. The governor made a point of keeping him on as a gardener but keeping him away from his kids. Pointing him out as the help at every opportunity. Never mind the fact he was running an empire out of the guys greenhouses. She went off no real link to his world and married someone from hers. A Irish American business man with some...troubling ties. My grandfather. They ended up having a whole brood of perfect children that all fit neatly into there wealthy catholic picture. The one girl would become a psychologist and head of the boy-scouts, one boy would become a business man like the father and even own a good share in the Red Sox has a box and everything, one half sibling veered off slightly but still respectable as a a master electron....before taking over the city dog racing operations....which implies something else but..., and all the rest of the sons went to law school. Picture perfect family.....and then there was my father. Born hard of hearing, with ADHD, dyslexia, and a rambunctious spirt. A perfect son he did not make. His father was far from a perfect father. As is shown by his reaction to his one problem child being to wash his hands of it. Private catholic school that was more or less built to prepare boys to join the church (he ended up excommunicated when he refufesed to take a vow of celibacy) is where he was sent and when he wasn`t there they pawned him off on the family's other outcast. My great grandfather. Because sending the rowdy child to the rowdy old Scott will calm him down. That rowdy old Scots last name, had a lot of hertige to it. Our Scottish clan a rather respectable one at that. A strong tie tmo our Scottish hertige which there aren`t many of as only my father and his grand father cared about that. More than that it`s a tie to a man who while..,.a criminal...was the only kind and loving family my father ever had. Also they were/are all crooks some just wear suits and ties a little better to mask that. That name was phased out by my fathers father through marriage. My father never liked that. So he took that lost last name and made it my first. I don`t know if I can really explain the impact my name has on me. Out of my fathers many many many children (3 marriages 3 children two wed lock kids from two different people. I`m one of the later and he always disputed the other one being his) . I`m the one that was given the loaded name. The name that holds his legacy his hopes on it, as well as the legacy of my great grandfather. His daughter didn`t carry that on, only my father did and my siblings.....they`ve fallen in the family trap. One married wealthy and got into politics the other somehow got a hold of family money. Dad always said there was a trust set up for all his kids...but the one brothers the only one who ever saw anything. Fishy but...he built of that. The other one went to jail for fondling a child....... ....yes... He still gets invited to my fathers memorial masses which i don`t though. Rather the pedophile than me. It`s fine though....why the hell our you having mass for a man who hated the Catholic church? They all...became like my uncles. Do as you will I suppose but I feel like there`s something about my great grandfathers experiences, my fathers, and mine that set us apart and connects us. I feel there presence or at least I like to think I do. We are the outcasts, we are the ones who survive no matter what, we are the ones who take care of our own no matter how much we`ve been tossed to the dogs, and we make the best out of any situation. We care little on appearance, and living Orthodox lives. We`re the outsiders. I have to treat that name with the respect it deserves. but anyways. Going off on this topic is self love. This is a reaction reply video, but there`s a really good genuine message about self love towards the middle. We all know of self love right? You have to love you`rself and learn to take care of you`rself before you can take care of others. That`s something I need to learn. Both how to take care of myself and to push some things to the side to work on that and build myself up. So I can help the people around me the way I want to. Need to shut myself off a bit to prep my walls. .....getting less wordy here because Red Letter Media videos our distracting me. .... Oh look another Watsky song. I love this one for not just being about depression but also being about just the greyness of it. Just not doing anything because you can`t bring you`rself to move from the table. How it`s not per say this overwhelming sadness always as much as this crushing grayness that just...stops you...and you don`t always know why. That whole message about when you take punch get up and remember why you put one foot in front of the next is awful inspiring to. That whole ending message to just keep moving... yeah. Today I manged to pull out of bed and shower been doing good at that. The rest of the morning routine went to crap though. Got into work, work was good. Had a low room count almost no arrivals, lots of extra from yesterday so we got out early and hopefully made mostly extra. Tomorrow will be a real easy day. Felt super tired today I don`t know why...other then I don`t take care of myself...need to change that. putterd really work wise. Tomorrow I need to take that easy day and push myself. Get as much extra I can to pad for the day after which is about the same amount as today. Thats why as I was working I was planning out exactly what my day was gonna be after I clocked out. Nap because it`s day 2 of a six day stretch need energy, up read my new book (The Dhammapada-A Buddhist text), work on setting things up to take care of myself better. Got some food and pet kibble on the way home came home... sat down couldn`t bring myself to get up.. Or even nap .. Just nothing was there. The desire was but....everything else was just switched off. My better-help cousnelr got back to me I just stared at that message without responding. Idk even this i`m distracted on typing and this is just a thought dump for decompression that I don`t really expect anybody to read. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the next on my journey. It`s past midnight now though and I gotta push through tomorrow so once more i`m off to bed.
I really enjoy that movie. Even with the Guy Fawkes iconism being...misguided. I`ve mentioned this in the random thoughts thread but this anarchist, or at least anti establishment icon he and his mask has become leaves out the fact his whole goal was to swap the Protestant king for a Catholic king. He wasn`t some great ahead of his times revolutionary. He was essentially a Catholic radical who had worked for Spain prior towards that cause. Because Spain was all about spreading Catholicism. Thats the whole reason they let Columbus fly the Spanish flag. He had no problem with monarchs so long as they backed what he backed. An establishment is rotten whether it`s rotten in you`r favor or not. Guy Fawkes seemed to disagree with that. There`s been talk of the Joker look replacing the mask and thats not a perfect set up ether...but it`s better. Enough on that, for now. It`s November. The month of legends, Guy Fawkes/election day, veterans day, Thanksgiving, the MST3000 marathon, Nanonowrimo, and etc. In the case of this year there was also a proxy Halloween due to storms....at least in my area. A busy whirlwind month that started right away. First thing on the 1st I walked into work to a giant Miss Pennsylvania pageant sign in the lobby. November had begun. October`s one of my favorite months one I didn`t really have the energy or motivation to enjoy this year. Been like that for a lot of things for a while really. Why this year coming up....this second coming of the roaring twenty's....I want to set routines more both for productivity and self care, start having traditions again, heading towards long term goals, and etc. November was gonna be ....is going to be the start of that. I know i`ve made statements like this again and again. Part of me hates myself for that, this cycle of committing and walking away. A cycle I want to break...a cycle I want to be able to break. A cycle I have to break. Twenty two is that number....I never could imange living much past twenty two if there when I was younger.....the 2nd month of 2020, on the 21st day....I will hit that number. I need to at least chip away at the cycle before that...for me....plus a whole new decade to start a whole new wave...there`s something I like about that. I posted this in the music thread earlier this week. This lines the relevant one. " "I was bumming at my job and got adopted by my crew. I had dreams to tell my story living loving what I do. If they ask me why I do it I do it for you." I worked today. I didn`t work yesterday, had intentions to work on projects, clean my room, instead just ran some errands and not much else. Today was a check out of a sold out weekend with a room count estimate in the hundreds. Worked until around six. Came home, had some dinner, unwound with some Outerworlds, watched you-tube and dicked about on here. Part of me wants to reagrane my room right here right now....but it`s also almost midnight and today was the first in a six day long stretch. Probably gonna finish this, put it up without even looking at it, and then going to bed. Room counts for the rest of the week don`t look to bad, shouldn`t be to late nights for now. Work was interesting today. Went well for the most part, having problems with my vision...which has been a thing for a while. I`m scared to go to the eye doctors honestly. I already wear a pretty thick prescription, and my eyes shouldn`t still be changing. I worry about whats going on there, I also don`t have insurance right now. I was on MAWD (Medical assistance for workers with disabiailtes) but got kicked off that, then reapplied for just the insurance. Got rejected for that, almost bought a plan through the marketplace. My options were a monthly preuimon of my whole check, or a insanely high deductible that would make using the dam thing impossible. The only reason my income is even zoning where it is because I started during a long bout of overtime so my checks reflected that. At normal levels that won`t be my income. Now it`s waiting, to reapply with the lower income. Tricky thing on housekeeping is its by the hour and the hours our on a very unsteady basis so predicting you`r income is almost rocket science. We know this, we`re waiting at the moment. This didn`t stop, my one supervisor from explaining the same exact thing to me tonight while I just nodded and agreed because it was the easiest route then conversing. I could`ve conveyed that the process was already underway, or that checking the eyes was on the laundry list of things to get done, or that I was well aware of the vision problems as they keep me awake at night among other things. I understand why it`s important, it effects my work, I need to get it fixed that`s all fine. I just wonder, how things would be if I could actually communicate with people. Converse in a real sense. Outside of the insurance thing, there was a stretch of concessive moments of me being asked about why or how I do certain things, or things about me which I have full explanations of in my head. However I don`t have any of the energy to actually go into giving them so I shrug it off or let myself look clueless rather then get into it. One of the ones that I never head the end of is "Why don`t you drive yet?" The real answer being I was involved in a head on collision at five weeks old which left it`s lasting effects. Mostly doesn`t effect my day to day, but as far as driving there were concerns with reaction times and spacial reasoning. I have a permit and i`ve driven a little bit even with a driving instructor who specializes in accommodating to special needs and disabiatles. However the grant that was being paid for under, was written in a way it only lasted for so many sessions and the instructor said there was to much work to be done that I wouldn`t be ready in that amount so that didn`t really end up helping. My mother`s own road anxiety and an uninsured unregistered car kept to much practice on our own from happening. It then kinda got put on the some day list with the eyes...and my teeth...and the braces i`m supposed to have...(legs not teeth)....and having running water in the kitchen.... and a toilet that flushes with having to reach into the guts each time....or me going back to therapy...or cutting down that tree out back...or. the list goes on. There is also a bit of fear there, what if I really can`t do it? Driving is an environment where one mistakes could be horrible. If i`m not capable, maybe its better not to. However there`s so much backstory there, things to explain, and etc that I never give that answer nor should I. It`s not a small talk answer, they weren`t asking for that much information. However I can`t actually answer that honestly without all that information. A lot of things in my life our like that. Maybe theirs to much backstory and dangly things to everything around me... maybe people don`t really expect honesty. maybe outside of the few I already have connected to (most of who went through some of the bullshit with me or have gone through similar chaotic/traumatic situations) I won`t be able to connect with anyone else really because it`s all so....messy. Do I really care about that? Idk I just need to see what tomorrow brings. Will try for another junk draw post then. This....pivoted from where it was meant to go. I`m going to bed.
Only to get crushed by the rabbit. A big fat rabbit. On my last blog post I mentioned falling down the rabbit hole. It was going to be a sold out weekend at the wonderful world of hotel housekeeping. I did indeed fall into a rabbit hole for that weekend. Sucked into a world of it`s own cut off from my reality. The catch is that didn`t last for only that weekend. I stayed down there for quite a bit. Even made a little base camp. Toasted weenies. I`ve had this job for six months. Started right before the start of summer. Getting this job was the most random thing ever. I went to community college after high-school for about a semester. My depression and anxiety ate me alive. I was still coming out of traumatic events, and got far too overwhelmed. I ended up dropping out......after flunking most of my classes and getting on a academic probation list. After that gut punch to the whole self esteem thing I went into the bum years. Were I sat at home and attempted to look for work or set up side gigs. To no avail, everybody here is looking for work. You`r getting chewed up in the numbers game. That and I had pretty much no work experience. I grew up in an abusive home, which then took a plot twist where I ended up having to take care of the dieing abuser. Rounding out the school years my mother had her breakdown I ended up cyber schooling to help with her. Then there was my failed college experience, after getting screwed out of work study. No real room for part time jobs, I did have one thing working in a family store which soon fell apart. Even that i`d get asked about the giant gap and "what I did for money". Of course what I just laid out isn`t something i`m gonna pick apart in an interview so that was always fun. There was this one string of opportunity with my photography working for the symphony plus doing party's and events. Then my anxiety got in there. I would look at photos for hours and hours and my brain would convince me that each one of them where utterly worthless. I would then become depressed and stressed, stopped finishing jobs and I couldn`t switch to focus on another batch because then i`m freaking out about the older batch not being done. So that fell apart. I ended up getting a job coach to help find work. He was a moron`s moron to the point it was insulting. No what was insulting about him was how normally stupid he was. So much of what he did or suggested was, irritating and foolish but he was so god dam normal. His co workers liked him he had thank you`s from clients posted around his office, and even got a promotion. He`s the perfect type of boot licker who believes fully in the system and doesn`t question or think about anything further then his morning Wheaties. A big fluffier, or as I call it flat out lieing, in job interviews. Or rather deceptive wording like calling serving cans of soda as slinging drinks while interviewing at a bar. Smooth talking should get you shot like it did back in the old west. My extreme dislike for that man aside, he had nothing at all to do with getting this job. I am a member of many job looking groups on Facebook and I saw a post about open interviews. Didn`t even say what department. Figured it was a lost cause anyways so wasn`t gonna go but had to go downtown anyways on another matter so I ended up there. Where I learned it was for housekeeping....last thing I ever though i`d be doing. I remember I got nervous waiting and was about to leave when the only other guy there looks at me and says "You gotta do what you gotta do." He went in right before me and came out telling me it was easy and i`d be fine. Never saw him again. soooo he didn`t get the job. Mayhaps he was my guardian angel manifesting to not let me fuck up again. I got the job right at the start of the busy season. Boy was it busy. I had a hard as hell time adjusting to the job. Felt like I wasnt getting anywhere fast and my trainer hated me. It`s ok though, even the person who would later get promoted over the trainer used to go home crying because of her. Once I got put with better trainers...every dam trainer in the place it felt like...it got better and I got it. Still ups and downs, ups and downs to this day. I`m starting from a different place from most people, autistic, ADHD, dyscaluca, traumatized, depressed, a former cripple, and all the other backstory no one there will ever know. However I always get there no matter what. Doctors said I would never be able to walk after a head on collision, I walk everywhere I can now. Was supposed to be non verbal....my first word was pepperoni....a little later than others but more impressive. I couldn`t go to high school because i`d get trampled (school distract actually told me this) I did that. Tried to stuff me in the children's chorus when I was part of a singing thing (long story) when the video cameras where there i`m the one they focused on. I used to not be able to tie my shoes, turn doorknobs, and etc. I get there...eventually and i`m getting there. However it`s this long over whelming process. On top of the normal overwhelming process of any new job, on top of the overwhelming busy season. Hotel housekeeping`s the hardest job in the hotel, you clock in at eight or nine then work until the works done. Could mean four.....could mean eleven o clock at night. Second ones the most common. Not to mention after I joined they lost a majority of there staff. I spent a long time as the only part time person there. Doing pretty much full time hours, pretty much because they had to schedule someone. We`ve got new people but they keeping calling off and off and off I had a original point I`m rambling hard. It`s kinda what this junk draws for though. Polished blog posts will go on Medium or WordPress. This is more of a..junk drawer. Rambles ,stream of consciousness, experiment, self expression, and just a place for me to let things out. For me to just write about my experiences as I work to sort them out and over come them. It`s my safe space. RABBIT HOLES I tend to try to do to much at once and then get overwhelmed. That happened this past September, work keeps saying we`ll slow to a dead crawl after this and then....we don`t.....it`s getting better though. Hell we had a big beauty pageant in tonight and got out at five FIVE While being overwhelmed is understandable I cant exist that way forever. I need to set a routine, I``ve had those before it`s getting them to stick that it`s tricky. I recently found out is a common thing for things that work for a time to fill in the executive function gaps in ADHD brains don`t always stay working. You have to keep changing so it works. Good to know. Also sounds exhausting, everything is just so exhausting. I barley have all the energy it takes for me to function anywhere near like the dam Wheaties guy (job coach). To help with that I signed up for what is a vitamin box. You fill some stuff out they determine what vitamins may help and send you a 30 day supply all pre set in little pouches you just pull from a box like tissues. Not only will it help my energy, it`s also kinda mental health proof. All pre set, convenient, even kinda fun delivery method, and it`s tailored to you. I have to find hacks like that to get around what I need to. I can`t do it alone. So I found another hack. I`ve been to therapy once or twice before it helped. However my mother has fallen into a pit of aliens and Illuminati bullshit and no longer believes in that type of thing. It`s funny she forced me into it, and once it started helping me she became like that and forced me to quit it. Living with her and being unable to drive, as much as I wanted therapy it was a hurdle. I`d have to sneak around her, I did do that once...then right after I got a letter saying my insurance had been cancelled. Fun. I signed up for Betterhelp though. They`ve had issues yes but for what I need right now? It works. Dear god I expected this to be a ramble and even I didn`t expect to ramble this month? I guess I just have a lot on my mind I always do. This is kinda a good glimpse into how my thoughts collide together. Idk something about today inspired me. Halloween was bad. I love Halloween, October has this great energy to it but this year. I was to overwhelmed, my mother was going on about the human sacrifices and the fun was gone. Then I get up today and that`s all swept away. Like Halloween never happend. November 1st people are writing books, pageant scheduled for November boom right there. Friend who said they'd move in November boom moved. Maybe I can make something work like that to. The beginning of a new phase of a brand new season. Taking it slow at first though easing in. I actually will full out that college re enroll paperwork I`ve had in my desk for a few months now. Just for next fall. Give me time to set up. Now to put this mess through Hemingway editor and post it back here. Like I said junk-draw posts won`t be to polished sorry folks. Well this was terrible, good night folks. I will try to keep it tighter on the next one. This is a mess.
This blog post, this month, this life, or this anything. That can be terrifying, not that it`s any different then what i'm used to. Though do we truly need to know where it`s all going? I mean, don`t misconstrue, some idea is good and it`s best to be secure in some way but we focus so much on being in control. Having never really been in control myself, I know that fear well and even our whole culture seems to be built on planning. Graduating high school and/or college gotta know exactly where you're going. Past sixteen with no license? Get ready for countless "When are you gonna start driving?" or "Halen`s gonna have to get you on the ball." statements. Don't finish college right away? Automatic response "Now it`ll be to late." Even from people who never went in the first place. I`ve heard a fifteen-year-old kid go on about how life has a timeline. Other then birth and death, does it? Why do we let ourselves get so caught up in other peoples timelines? Everything comes in on its own time, it`s better to let a plant grow on its own time. I`ve taken extra time compared to others, I've had setbacks that forced me to others where choices. I let myself get so caught up and wrapped up in how far "Behind" I was to others, it tore me apart inside. Looking back though...... ...... That "lost" time.... is when I learned the most about myself. When I grew into being who I had to be to get to where the others already were. Perhaps it wasn`t lost time at all. Mayhaps it was just my time. Of course, the extreme side of that isn`t good either. Getting so used to going with the flow, swimming with the currents of the water around you that you never do anything else. React to every change around you without causing any of your own. That`s also an easy trap to fall into, children of chaos don`t always know how to make there own fire. Can lead to feelings of stagnation, unfullfillment, and at least for me be a pretty good trigger into a depressive slump. There needs to be a balance or an attempt at one. Give yourself time, space, and freedom you need to do what you have to do but don`t use it as a crutch. Make your moves, take your baby steps towards progress and you're goals but make sure they are you`rs. Don`t trap yourselves up in anybody else's timelines, expectations, chaos, and etc. I`ve gone on and off on believing in more spiritualistic things but I do always come back to it. I don`t even know exactly what I believe in. A little bit of Christianity, a little of spiritualism, Buddhism, and some other Eastern ideas like the red string of fate. The one thing I do know for sure is that throughout all the ups and downs I've had in my young life I've seen the universe shift peoples path and place things exactly where they had to be again and again. When I`ve been hurting for money and looking for presents for the three girls I do things for in the dollar store cause I can`t afford much else i`ve had old ladies stop me and give me money and then run off before I could return it. Made no sense to me and was bizarre as hell but let me do the good I wanted to. That`s even the smallest example but I do believe the universe does things in odd ways and we are all it`s agents when we need to be. It feels freeing letting go of the idea (trying to) of having this done by blah, yadda said no excuses, and so and so will be ashamed of me if I don`t blah. Let YOUR LIGHT shine and no one else's. Work towards what you want in the way that`s best for you and that will let you do the best for those around you. The universe will open the doors it sees fit, be ready for them. I`m trying to be. ..................................................... . Spoiler .......I had no idea where I was gonna go with this when I started. Hell, I originally thought I'd blog about my diabetes concerns....next time....this came out instead. Better get this edited and up quickly then to bed, works gonna suck me up starting tomorrow.
(Gonna bang this out, kinda got on the verge of doing dishes and fell down a YouTube rabbit hole. Almost scrapped doing a blog post today but been doing that for the past three days. Already cutting other things at a loss that I kinda shouldn't be. That`s get something going.) On the first day of flu, my influenza gave to me what I thought was a cold On the second day of flu my influenza gave to me lots of rest...to much rest…, and what I thought was a cold On the third day of flu, my influenza gave to me a smokers cough, lots of rest...to much rest..., and what I thought was a cold. On the fourth day of flu, my influenza gave to me a lost day, a smokers cough, lots of rest to much rest, and what I thought was a cold. On the fifth day of flu my influenza gave to me my first day out in a week and even more fatigue, a lost day, a smokers cough, lots of rest...to much rest, and what I thought was a cold. On the sixth day of flu, my influenza gave to me (hopefully) something that`ll content me so I can stop my bitching, my first day out in a week and even more fatigue, a lost day, a smokers cough, lots of rest...to much rest, and what I thought was a cold. On the seventh day of flu my influenza game to me…..no please let it stop...please …..noooo Dear god no Please let it break up I`ll sacrifice a ram or something. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OK, this is out of the song bit. I know I've been whining about this all week but I hate being sick. I`m tired and achy enough as it is and I don't need a double dose. Bogs me down, even more, may make a mental health post tomorrow. Other things to add there, but that's for tomorrow. Try to take a step and they knock you ten paces back type stuff. Few posts to make tomorrow, need to get back into the writing bit of the forum more. It`ll come, today's the first day in a week I've done anything with this cold. Even if it was get up, shovel snow, give a presentation, come home, nap, watch “Titus” and have an existential crisis. If I get this post up, set up a tracking log on a fitness forum I joined, and go out to do at least a few dishes that`ll be good enough for now. Probably make it to bed around the one sixteen mark I had been aiming for before. Had this whole week planned out, then God laughed and that all went astray. Keep putting off things till the next week then the next week you're sick as a dog. There's A lesson in that, there's also the point to be made of how hard it is to dig yourself out of many holes at once. We`ll touch on all that later. For now, at least the flu has made me realize that while I'm working on pulling myself up, being less of a bum, and setting new routines without a strong foundation to that one little illness and it kinda topples. Like that Sunday school song about the house on the sand. I know building that foundation has kinda been a talking point of these my “bum” years but let's hope something sticks this time.. Bang your head against a wall long enough… Let enough crash and burn this week lord knows.
With every word I typed. Bad weather on the doorstep, couldn`t take a single step I can't remember if I cried When I read the weather But something touched me deep inside the day the sun came out I rather like Don Mclean…..Starry Nights good to, but American Pie`s strongly tied to February. The music died on the 3rd...the day we`ll all be watching the “big game”. I`m not even big into football, nor do I have a TV, so won't be watching but clips of ads and halftime will be enjoyed on Monday. More interested in how Groundhog day turns out tomorrow. If it's six more weeks i'm throwing down with ol Phil. He'll end up like New York's ground hog when I'm done with him. (useless fact: They dropped him on his head and killed him one year. I believe that to have happened on TV too but I can't recall. Makes it more memorable. I imagine they've killed and maimed many of these groundhogs) Groundhogs day`s a big deal here in PA and elsewhere. A few groundhog parties tonight and tomorrow. Mainly beer drinking debauchery shin dings with local bands...that`s all this town is. I want fireworks people or groundhog shaped pancakes. To snowed in for any of that though and working the art center tomorrow night on a non groundhog event so no fun for I. The polar vortex nonsense is still battering us here in the Keystone State. Ok maybe the vortex stopped but it's still cold and the wind chills are still unfriendly. I've mentioned that it's been like living in a snow globe. I actually used to collect snow globes...feel bad for those poor people now. At the whim of a fickle snow god,“All fear the great Sky Shaker!”. Constant snow storms, no break between them. Thankfully should be shoveling out tomorrow, and it should get into warm temps and melt off this week. Winter only came for January and February`s gonna take care of us. I love February, so it's fitting it brings the sunshine. Feels like January went by too quickly but i`m not complaining. Month of half starts. February, holds my birthday at the end of it among other things. Turning twenty one on the twenty first day. Quite liking that irony, never gonna match up like that again. I`m mixed on if i`m excited for it or not. Less of a thing to build up to more of something to celebrate in the moment, on that day with whatever occurs. Simple get togethers and such. At least for me. Though I do have a friend who`s birthday is like three days after and wishes to try the towns new Hookah lounge sooo. It is the big two one, which I mean I have all my freedoms I suppose. At least as far as my choice of legal poisons go. I don't plan on being a prude who never drinks but I also don't plan on going out on a bender right out of the gate. Outside of the booze it's kinda a lot, there's a song by one of my new favorite bands with the line. “Everyone I know seems to have it all figured out but here I am at twenty five and I don't know where i`m going in life. But I feel like we`re all going insane hiding behind a smiling face.” Which about sums that up. I`m aware twenty one`s still young by most metrics, and everybody have a different path they start at different points. Logically I understand all that but the anxiety never goes away and gets rather bad. If I don`t lose my insurance I can work on that though. My anxiety`is going at me in my head right now for not doing enough today but I worked out, I cleaned, and yes part of the day was taken up by a mentally exhausting situation and a nap but I'm doing this now. Working on this blogs a goal. It's alright. Can`t force everything into one day. On the topic of lyrics up there's a song by one of my favorite rappers, that`s a pretty good glimpse into my mental state. It has these two lines. “I should be grateful I know i`m good and able, but I just can't get up from the kitchen table. This kind of shot comes once. Another opportunity of a lifetime just slipped away. That's the fifth this month,but when you take a punch don't ever forget why you get up and put one foot in front of the next. ” and then this one “I`ve been using a pool of water as a mirror but not for styling. To reach in and slap my reflection for acting childish.” Those lines are also fitting to me at the moment. As has been chronicled here and in other parts of the forum namely the mental health thread I struggle a lot with depression, anxiety, feeling loss, sense of identity, and those fun angsty issues of youth. I've gotten a lot of great opportunities i'm grateful for. Some went well most haven`t. Some for outside factors, others were more or less due to a failure on me handling my issues. Which left a mark and didn't exactly make them any better. It did teach, where the limits and issues are and what I need to overcome and i'm trying to work on that. I`ve been trying but I feel like it's really getting going now. Even this blog post is a part of that. Every little step. Spring is a time of growth, I want to look to new horizons new adventures. It's not spring yet though it`s the end of winter. For now it's time to defrost, rebuild, and trim the briers back. Take that project list that's been stagnant and ether finish them or shelf it. Rebuild bridges I let decay when things were bad. I`m already a shut in during the winter, shut in more. February itself has many special days I should be present for but other than that shut in and work what you`ve put off. Can expand my social horizons when the house is clean. (metaphorically) Time to work, repair, and evaluate. That's enough of that though. Why do I love February if not my birthday or the superbowl? It's the time of American Pie, a tangible connection to an American classic. Sure it`is a ballad of it`s time and it draws its identity from that but if you listen hard enough you can hear the bitter February cold and promise of spring in the essence of it. Then there's the day of lovers. Which is a marketing holiday built on the grave of a guy who got beheaded for standing up to oppression and the persecution of lovers. Yet no let's remember him with anatomically incorrect heart cards. If you have a lover though enjoy your day, have your fun. Love is something to celebrate not that it's necessarily what V day`s about but if you make it about that then you're beautiful and that's beautiful. Love isn`t just romantic, should make the day about love for all humanity. Crap i'm sounding like one of those Woodstock hippies again. Someone pass the acid. What's great about it though is the candy that goes on sale after. Plus Dunkin Donuts special donuts which it is fine to eat in your car alone crying. This year also has two dollar boxes of munchkins. Shamrock shakes come back soon to. Probably gonna kill you but boy does it taste good. It's gonna be great. Even have those little “hidden holidays”. My b day is read a card day….easy enough. Let it begin! This post is still kinda glimpse inside my mind ramble written in one night but should be more polished then the last thing. Maybe next time I shouldn't have so many themes. Spit them up next time. I`m gonna polish and post this then go to my progress journal.