A small misfortune was withheld in the fruitful attempt to induce control in the thoughts of this unopininated souless mind. The excertion of force tuaght learning was implied with reverance... A sickening gesture it was.This kind of behavior is all but unfamiliar, a mind which thinks in the language of selfish evils. A care for only one, a care for power over others. A message of hate announced in a speechless message, tyrants of hate announced through movment through action. Every step is another fall down the stairs of unimbigious intention. Fiery thoughts of twisted intent, malicious action towards merciful decent....
certainly Cremations of a past life, only recent to be reborn. Hardships of pain and troubles of strife, to the lord my soul has been sworn. Darkness of evil's shadow my tracks, uplifting my fears to faith. Hoplessley praying to never turn back, With jesus my sins will be safe.
Expectations held high. A more broad conceptual vision in my mind, of what i believe should be. A unique way of proccessing life. Why is it so hard to take these blinders off my eyes? Expectations will remain as they stand, a fruitless attempt in grasping a more lucid concept. With these blinders arresting me of a real look at things, i am left with intuition and instinct. Turns out my eyes where just a distraction resulting in some misdirection. With blind eyes i am left to turn inward, looking inside myself, this is where the real truths sleep...
1..2..3.... A precise omission of the most honest division, another multiplication, minus the untruthful additions. An equation to solve even the most decimal decision. A geometrical puzzle of numbers, problems, leaving unsolved mathematical collision. Merely a Philosophical Astrology, questions,in visions, or perhaps myths, just your everyday superstitions.
Chapter one It's not that i did not have the potential of being a good student, or that i did not want to be that student. To tell you the truth, i stayed out of trouble and received good marks from teachers up until about the 8th grade.. I can recall my first memory of "Drug Awarness", it could not have been any earlier than the 3rd or 4th grade and as i remember it i had no clue whatsoever what drugs where or why i needed to stay free of them. There is so much other stuff going on when your that age, its the first stepping stone into life. Those first elementry years are the years that stick with you for life. I can remember them like they never happened. As i grow older, the years of child hood fade away but i am still left with questions. What was 8 year old me thinking about everyday after he found out his father killed himself and that he would never see his dear ol' dad ever again. I know what it feels like to loose a parent at an early age, but at the same time i don't. The years following my fathers suicide just seem to be long periods of blank. I can remember my mom sitting me down in her room and closing the door behind her. I recall thinking to myself that mommy looked sad and i wondered if maybe one of her friends was hurt or something. She proceeded into the room, taking a seat next to me on her bed. She put her hand on my knee and she said "Honey i have some bad news ok." Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she looked at me and smiled with pain in her eyes and she said "Honey, your dad has been going through a lot lately, and im afraid to to tell you that he is gone and won't be coming back again." Immediatly she lost it and broke down crying hystericly, she hugged me really tight and repeatidly agologized to me while sorta rocking back and forwarth. She did not have to tell me anymore than she had for me to understand (Speaking of my strong hearted loving mother, she just called to see how i was doing. To say the least i told her thank you and said i would call later. Coinsidence or motherly intuition?) Well, i understood that i didnt know why my dad always chose to get drunk and break promises to me. I didnt understand why i couldnt stay home with dad on sunday and drink beer and watch football while i was being drugg to church literally kicking and screaming by my mother. I didnt understand why mommy and daddy divorced, because they both told me that it wasnt because they didnt love eachother, i thought that's why they married and made me, why divorce then? My dad had been suffering from manic-depression and severe alcoholism. Who knows what came first. Looking back onto his life as i know it, he spirolled downhill extremely fast after my mom told him she wanted a divorce. I don't blame her, he was being a total dick to her and when he hit her in front of me she blew a gasket, shes a strong beautiful women who is'nt afraid to stand up for herself...
Relevance A Flow of untitled exhaustion mearly brushes a acrossed an unframed mind, of mine. A depiction of the scattered picture resembles my simple relavance to relativity. A thought, a feeling and an emotion. This is what creates the creativity of the creator, which undoubtingly reveals the creator of the creation.
December 21, 2011 I find myself in this state of mind often, Alcohol or Drugs take me away from a true existence. Another mindless reaction to my own mutiny, a victim of self. Time is the only constant in my favor, but yet i always seem to make it stand still in the bad times. breath.... Looking deeper inside, i find that i need acceptance from others, desperately clawing to get my ego scratched. In this motion towards acknowledgement, i fumble on the cold hard facts of criticism and scrutiny. Feeling as though i am a huge tree that has been hacked down into merely a stump. Reveling all that has been holding me together, while the rest of my timber crashes into the ground to remain forever paralyzed. Only if i were a smaller tree, i think, the fall would not be so devastating, when my ego is cut and falls prey to the floor. Inspiration. I am the tree, growing tall and strong. the bigger we are, the harder we fall. Realizing my indolence of change is what holds me together now. You have been saving me from this indolence. A new way to care for things. Realizing. I am imperfect, as we are. My reactions are a shield to protect myself. Leaving the rest to yield, pulling out shields of their own. Clashing reality, a defense for the defensive. Protecting. A look of disappointment is my fear. In my walk of life, i move forward in a constant flow of emotions and feeling. I look up to the ones whom i love with sensitive eyes. Every bit of pain you endure is another lashing. Affects of my actions lie poisonously in my soul. Exposure. A persisting resistance is welling inside me. A war of words, thoughts, twisted ambitions and destructive behavior. These things warp whats what. Overcoming. What holds me down is me, an indisputable conception. A new way to live has been shared, LIFE has always been there to be lived, life is here for me when im ready to live.
February 8 Andrew Ferguson The morning sun is hiding its glory behind a blanket of overcast sky. A backdrop of holllow covered canopy highlights the silloettes of a flock of singing birds flying with ease through this dull morning sky. Even without the comfort and warmth of the shinning radiant star that we take as our own sun, we rise to this mornings occasion of promise and hope. Flowers still growing upwards, awake from a long moonlighten night. Collecting drops of dew on their colorful pedals, maintaining the beauty that they seem to live for. My own creation of thought fills my mind with question, with an unsolved solution to my very own exsistance. A piercing persistance of fear arrests me from openness, just another self written harness that locks my soul in this temperate body, of mine, of mind. Although living in my own prison , i cease to forget about the ball and chain which grounds me to this heavenly earth. Free from a certain illful pattern of ignorance, i focus on love, compassion for even the unbodily things that awaken my sleeping eyes. Another promising will of wholeness that holds the key to life that i so forbiddenly have locked. I live for the love that so freely flows from the ones who care and can love. I am grateful for life, i am grateful for love, i am grateful for the expressing people in my expressive world. A seemingly dark, harrowing path lies before me, so dimley lite by the hopeful ones, whom i so helplessly hold on to. Even as helpless as i may feel, i obtain a firm grasp of conception, of what i believe to be. A blindfolded leap of faith into an abyss of truths. the stormy clouds of my preceived misfortunes part, as the sea of love i feel opens my heart and uncaptures my soul Thank you to everyone. A life lesson has been learned by even the most untaught. The rain may never cease to persist but shelter is always going to be there for cover. The hardest easiest thing i can do for myself is to take a step back under the covered shelters given to me, so graciously. To look up towards the hevens and to see with these awakened eyes were my cloudy vision of rain is falling from. My heart goes out to the untaught people still standing from underccover, a prayer of faith to the unfaithful.
A Desperate attempt to hold onto the reality, that i have conceived, that i have preceived, for myself. I think a thought, a present recording of my memory. Realization of a real vision that captures my open eyes at a glimpse. A fresh perspective of real thinking, truth, indefintly given to me as faithful certainty. Closed eyes willfully blind those able to see. Open eyes open for the vision of life, Yet when you shut your eyes and take a deep look inside, your soul shall be your seeing eyes, sight, a veiwable display of real meaning.