I've always loved to get to know new people. This week will be extraordinary, though. I will be meeting my dear Polish friend for the first time. I'll also meet 24 Finnish girls from another site I visit frequently. And then, I'll meet one of Rhea's (my Polish friend) Finnish friends as well. I know some of these people quite well, because I've followed their conversations quite a long while (two years actually), but some of them I know very little about. It's scary and exciting at the same time. I feel small and humble somehow. I fear that I will say stupid things again... and because of Rhea, we all have to speak English in that 24-girls-meeting. And I know they will forget to do that. And I know Rhea will get tired at some point. And I know it's not going to be easy for me either. I get easily tired around people. It has something to do with the way I feel, how much I feel. I love people very easily. It's easy for me to share the love inside me... but it also tires me. Hopefully I have enough strength for Saturday. I won't be online much this week. I'm going to spend a lot of time just staring at Rhea. I'll meet her for the first time in less than six hours. It's amazing.
My friend, she's all right. And I'm sick. I hold it inside me, and when it comes out... I get sick. I've always been like this when it comes to stress. I keep it inside as long as I have to endure it, and then, when everything is over... I let go. And get sick. *laughs* My Polish friend is coming to Finland on next Monday. She's staying a week. I cannot believe how happy that makes me. She's one of those special people. I was patient with her. I stayed close to her for two years. I let her have her distance. And finally, she opened the door. We are close. I think I'm closest with her (not counting my husband). She's very special. Oh, just thank you everyone. It helped me. It did. You are so kind. *hugs*
It's quiet before storm. This feeling. I never want to get that phone call, never want to hear those words. "She did it." I don't want to read any messages from her. I don't want to listen to her. I don't want to know how unable to live she is. I don't want to know. It's impossible to carry someone who hasn't chosen to live. Who hasn't said: "I will do the work. I will find a way. I will survive." She hasn't decided and that means she cannot survive. She will always send me messages. She will always call me. She will always tell me that this is the last time. She cannot continue. This is the last time. Is this the last time? Is she dead now? Will I get that call? Will I be able to take it? Or is she going to continue doing this? Over and over and over again until we are all too tired of it. Will I stay close like I've always done? Can I be there for her, knowing that she cannot survive unless she makes that decision? I will. I can. Always. That's the deal. Stand by you, till the very end. I will. I will. I'm quiet. So very quiet. Waiting for that one last call.
I feel like sharing. Oh, I so wish I could give you all the happiness in the world. Whenever I feel like this, it's so overwhelming, and I would just love to be able to give it away. I'm so full of love and happiness. I wish I could give it to you, all of it. That would be a dream come true. To be truly able to share that beautiful feeling, to be able to give it away completely. I can only show my love. My actions speak my love. My words speak my love. My eyes speak my love. That's it. I cannot take that love into my hands and give it to you. Someone needs it a lot more than I do. Someone is always sad. Someone is always broken. Someone is always hurt. I would love to be able to ease that pain. Sometimes it's enough when I give my hand, "Take it. I'll be here for a while." But sometimes, it would be better if I really could remove my heart from my chest and give it away. "Take it. You need it more." My best friend could use my heart. She could use my strength. I wish I could give that to her. *hugs to all who need it*
I'm working on my novel day and night. Yesterday evening, before going to sleep, I was unable to stop all the information that poured over me. It was wonderful. I'm not creating anything; the story is telling itself to me. It feels wonderful. I'm also unable to find the connection between some of my characters. How will Karan meet Olive and Darian? On a boat? I guess so. At least I have his name already. "Hugo" is a completely different story. She's a little sprite. But how is she going to find her way into the group that's the centre of this adventure? I have no idea. Hmm... And gosh, I have no idea how I'm going to pull this off. Seriously, I have so much to learn. Olive is a manipulator, so I need to study strategy. The whole world differs from ours. It's a completely different solar system. The mythology of that world is different. Magic can make other things work, but others… well, it’s just so complicated. And all the races have different religions. And I feel overwhelmed by all this. I find it so hilarious that Red Ladies can be either gender… Seriously, if I’d known writing your own book is so much fun, I would have started a lot earlier. *laughs* And then there’s all the transportation systems, and old magic that is dying, and modern cities that are old and broken. Oh, and just how am I supposed to know how countries are ruled? I am so excited. I am so frigging excited!!
I think that it tells something about me that I tend to write about writing a lot. I do write, too, but mostly, I just write about writing. I've written something like 300 pages of text over the years. Maybe more. But I've spent a lot more time writing about writing or just talking with other writers. What I'm thinking right now is: "Do I want to continue this?" I want to write a book. After that I want to write many books. I'm wasting my time writing about writing. So I've decided not to spend so much time in the internet talking about what I really want to do. I've decided to write. I'm not leaving. Dear Sharky made me see that that would be just stupid. I'm just going to stop procrastinating and do the things I want to do. *hugs*
Okay, at this moment, I'm completely out of energy. I haven't slept well for three nights, and it's really starting to show. I'm a night person, and I have to wake up very early. Sometimes I forget to go to sleep. >_< Anyway, my friend from Canada is here and very much wants to see me. She came today. Long story short, I met her online, we met in Japan last year, she fell in love with one of my best friends, they became an item and now, they met in Italy and just came to Finland moments ago. And I'm falling on my face. Completely dead. Unable to think of anything... let alone speak English for hours. Gah! How can I stay awake? I'm at work and I've had to rest my head against something twice already. Speak. English. For. Hours. The only good thing is that we're going to a Japanese restaurant. I don't have to talk that much. Anyway, I'm just trying to survive this evening...
I'm one of those silly gals who are so very pro-gay-rights. I'm also one of those mums-to-be (hopefully) who will be extremely happy if their son comes home one day, introducing his new boyfriend. Call me crazy, but I would be so happy to see these two kissing, being happy and comfortable together, loving each other... Tiihii! Anyway, my only problem would be other people. Growing up gay, can't be very easy. Of course, in Finland, it's lot easier than in many other countries. Finland isn't a very religious country although almost 90 percent of the population say they are Christian. We are just not very... noisy about the whole thing. "Yeah, it's God, he/she probably exists. We must survive in this land of snow and hardship. Shoo you sword people, we do not need your silly ideas. Where's that bear. Let me kill it." And so on. Not much time to think about matters otherwordly when we're trying to survive as a race. Anyway, got sidetracked there. So, Finland has many gay bars, and Finnish youngsters, oh mi god, they are tolerant. They are just way more tolerant than we were when we were their age. I'm probably now thinking like they do, and it took me ten years to get here. But there are still people who think it's "strange" and "ugly" and "ewwww" and "not while I'm the king of this hill". Blargh! One of our politicians said about gay marriage: "Soon people want to marry pigs. Will we allow that, too?" WHAT? Let me just tell you... Two people, connection, lots of love, dreams about future, living together, paying bills, going to work, building a home. What is so awfully different about that? Oh, and I wouldn't mind my dear baby girl falling in love with a girl either. That would be hilariously wonderful. Yeah, it wouldn't be a big deal to me at all. I just want the children to be happy, to grow to be good people. That's enough.
I fear writing. I fear it more than anything else in this world. It's also my biggest dream, the love of my life (unless you count my dear, dear husband), the way I survive this life. I write all the time. I write blogs. I write diaries. I write at different forums. I write e-mails to my friends. I write fanfiction. I write reviews. I write original fiction... ... which I fear. I can write almost anything without that fear, except Original Fiction, the big bad. It makes me feel small and inadequate. So I procrastinate. But I always go back to it. And I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, god, do I fear it. It kills me. Yet, I go there. Every time. I sit in front of that computer and start doing it. I'm bad at it. My words are awful. I'd rather clean the toilet than sit in front of that screen. Hah, I do it anyway.
I wonder how difficult it is for people to really share their feelings. I grew up in a family that was broken by sorrow, because my older brother had died just before I was born. Instead of hiding from her grief, my mother shared it. It was never a secret that I took my brother's place. On borrowed time, that's how I've always felt. I need to do well so my brother haven't died in vain. In our family, it was always natural to hug, to tell that we love each other, to be weak and stupid. We had the right to be who we were. My mother always said: "No matter what has happened, you can always come home." That was needed when I was a teenager and hated my parents. Oh dear, the things I did just because I was so stupid. Yet, there was that one line that never needed crossing, because no matter what I did, she meant it. Come home if nothing else works. Come home if all else fails. So maybe that is why I don't fear closeness, why I don't fear emotions. I breathed sorrow when I was a child. I carried my mother's pain in me, held her when she was weak. But she was also my rock, when I couldn't think for myself. Every little thing she had ever told me stuck. I guess we carried each other after all. Life is funny and so very beautiful.
I could list things such as: 1. Know the language you're using 2. Let your imagination free 3. Be willing to learn even if you think you know "everything" already 4. Write daily and be professional about it 5. Do your research thoroughly 6. Read But what I'm really going to say is: "Do you want it?"
I don't remember if it was Coco Chanel or some other famous business woman, but anyway, this is what she said: "Don't try to be something. Instead, be someone." I think it's an excellent advice. There are many things I would like to do in life, but mostly, I would like to be a good person. Somehow writing has managed to help me with that goal. I want to be a good writer as well. Well, I might blog a bit here. We shall see.