Eh, just felt like write something down.
Been just over 5 months since i saw a doctor and got put on some medications.
Still have moments of being frustrated, but it's usually justified.
No longer fight back. Instead i sit in silence and nod my head.
I can't stand negativity anymore. It's so much more noticeable in people now that i have flushed it from my life.
I sleep less
Think less, except for things that motivate me.
Thinking about in the near future of having a child. My partner keeps bringing it up now, and we both smile and think of the future.
Have to save up for that engagement ring first. Bloody diamonds.
Doing to handyman work with someone i never got along with. We get on great now and the cash in flowing in fast.
Writing wise I'm doing pretty good too. Actually have a stand alone novel/story that I'm really feeling. And more importantly, writing.
I also get alone with my mother and grand parents now. Have not raised my voice or broke anything in 5 months
I also like myself now.
It probably won't be much of interest to the greater comunity (Black hole, posssible new class of star, gamma bubble etc). But i myself, am looking to find out what it is.
Apperetnly i read somewhere else that NASA has no idea what caused this thing.... Which is why im so interested in knowing what this is (New class of star?)
(Mother of all fark - I had the blog almost complete, and i lost the page somehow. So take two)
Anyway i know i said i wouldn't be on for a month, but I'm feeling a strange sensation tonight and need to pop on and rant.
Been a hectic few days. Saw my psychologist, and my psychiatrists. Will see my doctor in a few days time and then revisit the others in a month. Apart from making me broke, i have learnt a lot and am starting to gain an edge over my inner demon.
On anti-depressants and mood stabilisers.
The mood stabilisers could knock an elephant over. I only take half a tablet and its sleep time.
Sleep has been blissful. Usually in bed by eight at night and I'm usually up and about by seven in the morning. I'm having peaceful, dreamless uninterrupted sleep and it is great.
Some strange occurrences are happening with the cocktail of drugs though. My concentration which i pride myself over has been shot to shreds. I was doing a crossword the other day and i had to read the clue at least half a dozen times to realise what it said. Also sometimes in conversation i have to ask people to repeat themselves. Not an issue really, considering everyone else i know has done that all there life's. ha ha.
Also when in conversation, i'm finding myself a lot less quieter. I mean I'm usually the person who has to tell everyone all the current events and whats happening in the world. But i find myself just not having a lot to say. People will talk to me and I'll be like, "Sure", "okay", "yes" and "no". I just don't have much in my mind to say. I'm sure I'll open up when i get used to the medication.
Also i seem to have lost a little control over my facial movements. This sounds odd, and worrying, but let my continue. Being a hardcore poker player, i know how to guard and bluff how i feel. I can't do this anymore. Joanne came over and all i could do was smile. I am not joking when i say i could not wipe the sile of my face. I tried, but could not. She was like you are happy, and i was like, "I'm okay, i guess." it was funny.
Joanne and i are doing great She keeps saying she is proud of me, and i am proud of me as well.
ANYWAY, to the reason i post tis blog
What's the opposite of Melancholy? Is it Bliss?
I'm not sure. But i was talking to some friends i knew in High School yesterday. I found out most of them had kids. And since then (18 hours ago) i have had this feeling, this urge of wanting to have a kid too.
I can't explain it, i have forever told Joanne i never want kids. To the point that she agrees.
Suddenly i have this hole in me that just wants to start and have a family, big time. Like really.
I do feel great though.
Was feeling really low/depressed yesterday. Was online, and Joanne came online when i was on a massive low.(I really should have logged off at this stage)
End result, 6 hours of me talking about how depressed i am, how i don't think we could work out, how i should just end everything because it was all to hard.
i can't even remember what i was talking about, as i do after hitting really massive pole hole emotions.
I know i made her cry all night, and she is still crying today at work. She just emailed me telling me this, after i sent an email.
So i told her i won't contact her until i see the psychiatrist. Not sure if i should even bother now.
Whats the point when you have succeed it pushing everything of a cliff.
Well tomorrow or the day after im going to the doctors to tell them about how i have been feelings. Im not sure how long it takes, but i'm going to Anti-depressantway (though previously no a fan of the idea until lately).
Im kind of scared. I mean doctors come across this daily but i actualy feel relly sick deep inside and an *sigh* depressed.... but i just dont know how to say it to the doctor. i mean have the signs, trying to throwaway my girlfriend of 10 years, telling my family to get lost and sitting in the bath cutting my arms, punching walls, breaking mobile phones and everything else thats mine but as much as talking doesnt bother me, its just the first sentence when the doctor asks, so why are you here that bothers me. I just fear saying to him or her "Im dperessed" without thinking what they are thinking (I mean i dont care but id rather stay in my room all weekend than be judge "Oh he thinks his depressed" for that awkward period
The gitlfriend wants to come with me, i would like that but i've told her to stay at home.
If i take this route i wonder how i will feel in a week. I wonder if unlike now i will feel anything or if i will still feel nothing, but i can cope a little either.
I feel excited, if i felt something.
I hate doctors and getting on my knees, but F#@! it.
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