2019-07-05

By Magus · Jul 6, 2019 · 640 · 4
  1. I've become something I thought I wanted to be so many years ago. I'm able to turn my back to someone suffering right in front of me, become unaffected by the tears of a mother, bitter and angry, no longer scared at the rage of a father; unconcerned with the plights of a sibling; unaffected at the loss of a friend.

    It's all boiling under the surface, I don't know how much longer I can keep it all contained. I want to die so badly in one moment, and in the next I can't help but cling to life. How much worse does it get; how much worse does it have to get before instinct steps aside?

    Parts of my plan are all falling into place, but it's been harder then I thought it would be, and I knew it would be hard. I'm not a monster, just a sheep in a gillie suit. I find myself wishing I was born with the claws instead of pretending that I have them. In real life I'm drama free, I would be the last person anyone who knows me would suspect of writing all this melodrama in a journal. It's kind of like lifting the lid off the kettle, it feels nice to let out some steam.

    Suicidal ideation, what a grim fascination, never ideation manifestation, what a cowardly preoccupation.

    You're a coward if you do, and a coward if you don't. I'm remembering a quote from a total war game I used to play. "Few men are born brave, many become so through training and force of discipline"

    Maybe it's no great sin to be a coward, but the ultimate sin to die one.
    Katsoo, Some Guy and Foxxx like this.

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  1. jim onion
    Too scared to live, too scared to die. I've been there.

    I daresay you're at a crossroads where the one that ultimately wins is the wolf that you feed.
    jim onion, Jul 7, 2019
      Frazen, Some Guy and Magus like this.
  2. Some Guy
    It is a curious thing to wonder at the world, to pursue that wonder, and discover that it has no place for you, or has passed you by. But the wonder is still there, the wonder inside you. Of all the wonders, expression has got to be the most wonderful. In this modern world, we are still just as savage as we've always been, but for expression. If there were a billion-to-one chance that someone would respond to your expression, at any moment in time, then there are at least six or seven listening at this very moment. That is a wondrous thing, and we have the rest of our lives to figure out what to express.
    Some Guy, Jul 8, 2019
      Magus likes this.
  3. Frazen
    There was this one time (among many) that I was thinking of committing suicide. Talked to a crazy dude I had met in a group. He always joked and never really showed like he was concerned about anything. I expected sympathy when I told him I so wish I was dead, but he gave me a lecture on how suicide was cowardly and I needed to toughen up. It hurt me, but it also made me look at life through his lens. Boy oh boy his gaze was so cheerful it made me laugh at my misery.
    Frazen, Jul 19, 2019
      Some Guy likes this.
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