A Day In This Life...

As 2022 comes to an end, most of us are reflecting back on the year and others mine as well be in 2023. getting those resolutions ready to be forgotten about by the second week of January if they're lucky to make it that long. I've tried that I don't know how many times and I never felt like I was actually changing. well until this year. The beginning of the year had all the magic; I thought 2022 was gonna be the year where everything just magically turned perfectly. Between trying to be a better me for My kids and Myself I thought I had it. But I realized soon after I think I was trying to control the situation and the outcome. I was just so exhausted from having to constantly make sure I wasn't losing everything.
What it came down to though was me losing my mind. well My old mindset, I lost a Really amazing friend trying to do for me but still wanting him in my life. I wanted to show him that everything I love about him has nothing to do with what he has or could get. I wanted to show him that there is a girl out here that can still love him the same no matter what we go through, that while we face these issues it is helping us grow. That the love doesn't fade it gets stronger. had to learn also that Love requires space to go. and while constant affection from the person you love is nice but it's the time in between that matters. I've had my fair share of epic fails with relationships; either being to invested or not enough. Most people anymore it's how a person looks on the outside. I've seen and heard so many things that usually ended up fading away after awhile then your left with the why you are still here trying to make a mess work with someone that your heart is not attached to. I met this guy through a mutual friend. At first we had talked and I couldn't figure it out at the time but I had a strange pull towards this being. I don't really care for people touching me. I know that sounds bad but I have always been that way, until him. I had dealt with across the room conversations and trying not to say the most off the wall thing. but at the same time he had me thinking that it could be better. Maybe this is something magical. Maybe after all these wrong turns and that feeling of going in a circle was leading me right to him. we were from the same town well sort of.
I moved to Tennessee when I was young and I had moved away after I graduated. It was hard to live in the place that tore my family up or what was left of it. all that time and all those life events we wound up in the same room. He made his move first but I was in the middle of a bad break up with the father of my children. and trying to get Myself put back together. and at first I thought he'd probably just be like a rebound thing I knew he seemed to only want to really fuck around his words. and I figured it'd be a month or so we would just forget about each other just like it happens. But That first night we had a talked just the 2 of us he had touched my leg, a light touch it felt like cooling water putting out a raging fire. I never felt like that towards anyone. A pull like that and after awhile we were sitting there not talking and I finally leaned in and kissed him. The best kiss isn't just about finding a good pair of lips to mack up. it's how it makes you feel. and all that wonder finally settled. He pulled me on his lap and I don't know how long it lasted but it felt like we were the only people there; which is funny because we were sitting underneath a light post in the Walmart parking lot, tailgating I guess. Yea, classy I know. I was always afraid to make a move; I had to many things just fall through. With him I don't feel afraid to live, take chances, or hell even Love. That death till you part love. Someone I might actually see myself saying I do too! I didn't let on that though, I was back and forth and unsure if this was for real or just something that was a waste of time. We talk, then go months without.
I don't know exactly what Love is. I know what I look for in other people I am trying to make sure I can balance on my end. It wasn't that long before that urge to word vomit I Love you took over so I started pulling away. He was doing things that I couldn't even get my ex to think about. to uptight or too afraid, not exactly sure but he changed my perspective on love. he changed my perspective on a lot of things. With his thinking I was feeling different about myself. having boundaries and not giving a flying fuck if people got upset with em. I spent most of my life being a pushover to those people that called themselves family; they'd get mad when they couldn't control me or if I was happier then them. (majority of my family is an alcoholic they can't go 1 day without drinking themselves into the next. or making someone smaller than them feel that much smaller.) I kept my anger and reactions bottled for the sake of saving face and not letting other people think they got to me but it got hard. when you're a child you basically have no control of yourself and people take advantage of that. If you let them they will eventually put you 6ft under. He was everything I was looking for. but I had to start fresh with everything I had accumulated I had to learn to let go of what I thought was real and learn how to feel everything again. Feel life, feel happy, and feel love.
Learning doesn't end after you leave school. and there are honestly so many things that they don't teach in school. It's not until the real world that you begin to truly learn unfair and really unfair. some people hide behind the unknown and others are running full force into it. We let what we already know run our brains crazy with what we don't. It's not like movies or T.V; You don't have your lines written for you. it's not set up for you to succeed. Life wants you on your ass so it can look down on you and laugh for being so weak. It's like a blooper reel of your life only you aren't the one laughing. But that's when you take a look at your life and you can either wallow or learn how to laugh right back. Being louder and scarier. showing life that you can be just as crazy. and you will not lay down and take it.
2022 opened my eyes. I felt like i was living the first 25 years of my life but realizing I had gotten all of the answers wrong. and while we don;t get the privilege of starting over, we can let ourselves start new, people don't own you or your emotions. some people think they want to feel entitled to you but that's because they lack the control with themselves. I think this year was about getting what you needed and that was peace! with that being said, I leave you here until next year! have a safe holiday and remember it's 1 day at a time, and long as your intentions are good they will lead you in the right direction. you just need to keep the faith and take the leap when it is time! the thing is with that; you don't have someone else telling you when to do it, It's all on you and some won't like that. It's not about winning or losing; Just live your life unafraid to do either!

I find it so funny that in a world with what 8 billion people give or take the ones we don't know about.. That people are getting to the point where we feel we are better off alone. Because it's peaceful.. Now I will just say I like my alone time just as much as the next person. I like to feel at peace and not having to worry about walking on eggshells or being afraid of what might come out of my mouth that might possibly offend someone. For the whole 26 years I have been on this planet trying to carefully execute the perfect sentences and make sure everything lines up with the right moment and I say all the right things.. well as a mom of 2 boys I soon realized that is not the case. at first it was kind of easy. Honestly the newborn stage is probably the easiest. I mean yes there are times when the crying just seems to drag on an on and all you want to do is sleep or even just have a few minutes of silence to refresh your brain. I am also autistic, I can function like what some people would say "normal". but for most people and it's not just with autism anyone whose brain operates on a different frequency. leaving the operator to figure out all the specs, while constantly getting belittled for how we manage to operate. what our likes and dislikes are. and either way they get used against us. people use our vulnerability to their own advantage. take the info and if there's a possibility that we could use it somehow to make ourselves look better. Well from my experience; there are a lot of people who would ride that train all the way home. you hear information is power. and it's amazing that with the power to be able to do good in someone's life and help them, we choose to destroy it. We lose what could be permenant people over temporary feelings. Things that we are scared of losing people, loving people, sharing feelings, sharing people, being alone, being surrounded by fake bitches. the funny thing though we expect everyone to be authentic and choose to be our unauthentic selves! We want to be loved for who we are but refuse to love people for how they are. We talk about toxic relationships and don't always take into account our own toxic actions that made the situation that way to begin with. no-one ever wanted to get with someone just to be miserable in the end. To be in a relationship is supposed to be a good thing, yet we expect to control this other living entity as if they are a barbie doll. and get mad when they can't live up to our expectations. When I was a kid I thought because I read so much that I was this magical being and because I had certain thoughts about certain topics or even about life itself that I automatically knew everything. I set my expectations to high. I thought my future was set in place and it would go exactly as I planned.. I learned the hard way though not everything goes as planned. you can't control the actions of others, only your own.

When love becomes loss we lose so much more

What do you have to do to be immortalized in someones permanent record? Do you think it matters whether we have been in someones presence 6 minutes or 6 Years? Everyone seems to be looking at the same clock but we are rarely in the same time zone. It doesn't seem like people genuinely take the time to get to know people anymore. we fill the silence with empty conversation and avoid the difficult conversation because we can't control the response. That's what Life seems to be about anymore; and who seems to have the most control. But big picture.. no one has control.. we only have each and every second we choose to keep going the way we want. and we also have the choice to change our mind at any second and give up and start down a new path. It's crazy to think that you have the choice to just say at any second I am going to be a completely new person and just move somewhere new. But does that have to entail a whole new personality or just making better decisions to live that peaceful life we want for ourselves. and I don't feel we should feel guilty for wanting a peaceful life. we shouldn't have to over exert ourselves to prove worthy,, it will seem that when we finally get the time to enjoy the life we attempted to build for our self we won't actually be able to enjoy it. we are so scared to take the time when we have it. but sometimes you have to take that leap of faith and jump in to the difficult parts of life, it doesn't mean the end, Because when you least expect it you can open the door to something so amazing you probably couldn't have pictured it. But as good as we seem to be picturing the bad stuff happening. Why can't we seem to picture the good stuff happening. it doesn't always have to be worse...

So this first entry is going to be a little warm-up. everyone always wantd to rush into things right? I've learned my lesson the hard way with that. so focused on the end-game then the actual journey itself. life is about getting to know things. I know as a child for me I had the feeling of constantly being rushed. everything needed to get done on someone elses time. racing against a clock that never stops. We live in a world that never stops. We never have the same moment Twice. even if its similar our minds change s much every second. I feel like thats where a lot of people get scared; We have these constant thoughts running through our head yet we are made to feel as if we're crazy. Yet look at everything going on around us. We have to expect the unexpected; yet when the unexpected happens we refuse to believe it. we live blindly in a society that wants to constantly tell us that we are wrong. You aren't wrong for feeling the way you feel. and the more you're made to feel that way because people choose to look over their feelings. and I'm not talking about just emotions. but how certain situations make us feel. At times we are made to look over our feelings. it starts as a child. the main emotion anyone wants to feel is Happy. like if you aren't happy 24\7 you're just a bad person. If i can say anything right now, it's feel how you feel. Don't join the crowd; because I hate to say it but they don't care. as long as you aren't doing better than them. people feed off the suffering. Other people don't have to lose in order for you to win. You may not get every win but. you do get the learning experiance and even so. being stuck on the same thing for your whole life will eventually make you feel miserable and useless. You'll ask yourself. Is this all I resort to? Something I've learned anything you learn can usually transfer over to something new.. you aren't starting completely over. Just in a new direction. So join me in a new direction!