Always want to die, until that's an actual possibility

It's not even a super depressive thing usually. It's just like, god dammit, I should just kill myself. Not like, oh god take me! Or some crap. Like I'll be in traffic during rush hour (in LA), and just be like, "You know, if I were to just kill myself this problem would go away." It usually starts off as a joke, but it's surprising how reasonable a solution suicide actually is. Anyways, the suicidal paradigm is one which I've entertained, but never seriously considered. And then recently I noticed a lump on my chest and got worried about the actual possibility of cancer. I put off going to the doctor for 3 weeks, and eventually did after talking about it with my family and a good friend who all said that it could legitimately be serious. So, it turned out to be simple inflammation that will go away within a week of taking something as simple as Ibuprofen. But yeah, I was worried not gonna lie. It seems silly now, given how non-threatening the reality actually was. But I had some pretty morbid dreams within those three weeks. Every night I fingered that lump wondering why it hadn't just gone away already. Of course google didn't help because it was pretty much like "Oh yeah man, you forsure have cancer and will die in like a month. You should go make peace now." "But I'm only 20?" "Yeah well, lump/mass on any part of the body = death sentence. Sorry. Besides, it doesn't help that you smoke and for all you know the atmosphere is so shit these days that in a couple generations getting cancer will be a coming of age trope for 12 year olds. It'll replace losing their dogs or overcoming their fears of their weird neighbor."

But yeah, things are going pretty well. Always a delight to write out my thoughts on this blog. I'm going to go back to moping about traffic and homework and shallowly contemplating suicide. Cheers.