Drunk rambling

My sister has cancer, I've held myself together for this month with only 1 real breakdown. I just can't stop crying now though. I hate this place, I hate life. Everything good gets crushed, and scum like me gets to walk free. I don't want to feel this pain anymore, but causing pain to my family is worse. I wish they had a better son, a better brother. I don't think I can go on much longer. The thoughts have become overwhelming, and I'm getting scared. I never thought I could lose control. It's always going to be my decision I thought, but there's another being sharing this existence with me, and it's persuasive, and offers so much comfort. It's the ultimate salesman, and I want to take its hand. I just don't belong here. The bottles my only comfort. I'm kinder, more benevolent when I drink, and a monster when I don't. I'm just so afraid.