Long Winter, Intrusive Memories, and Dreams of You

I don't remember the winters lasting so long when I was younger. The worst parts of life didn't seem to last so long in hindsight, yet things felt like they lasted forever in the moment. Is every year of our lives just a coin toss between enjoying the view from the mountain top, or looking back at the peaks?

I had a dream about an old teacher. That long dead period of my life where part of me is stuck. 15 years later and the memories that intrude into my mind more often than not are from that era of my life. Had I a knife capable of striping the festering memories from me, I think I would tear it away. Maybe I would find the wound lay in some crucial foundation, and that I would not stand with it removed.

My thirtieth summer is over the next brook. This time it will be without you, and I can't help but say sorry every time I think of your name. It's only in hindsight I see you as a gift and not a burden. Always in damn hindsight. I dream about you too, but I'm afraid to remember half the time. Sometimes they're good, simply because you're in them, and other times some bizarre nightmare where I somehow hurt you. Manifestations of my guilt, come to haunt me even as I suppose to escape from the world for another night. The Justicar in my head has long since passed his sentence on me, and the punishment is not nearly as severe as it should be. But it hurts all the same.