suhailp Jan 7, 2012
My friends and i are a group of dirty ragtag rebels opposing Leonard the "revered" dictator. Well before i get ahead of my-self i'd like to give you the back story. Oh by the way i'm Dan, just in case you’re wondering.
Slight change here, although your way was fine, I think this just kinda sounds better.

So around the year 2020 the F.D.A. approved a new drug that was government endorsed. It was originally created for pregnant women, and was supposed to prevent disabilities in babies. The drug was named X-602.
I keep feeling the urge to add words here, but I’ve left it in the simple informal style you’ve used.

Amazingly enough the drug seemed to work, and there were no reported disabilities with any of the babies born of women who used X-602 during gestation. The thing is the drug worked too well, for lack of a better term, the babies became super humans.
Again I changed some of the wording, I think it sounds better. But that just may be the way I write. Like you may prefer to use another word instead of “gestation”, but I just felt it needs some more scientific sounding words to be seem credible. Perhaps a little about how the drug worked.
Eg. “A new propriety technology was devised that could prevent deformities in the development of fetuses in the womb, that manipulated the reproduction of genetic code in an embryo from point of fertilization, thereby preventing disabilities in its development into a newborn child” this is just an idea though.

They didn't find that out though until the first kids hit around 15 years old; which frankly is a delicate age if any to be getting super powers. Before this happened though pregnant women saw the results the drug produced and it sold like hotcakes. Soon the drug became ingrained in society to the point where it was offered in hospitals like it was Motrin. Every country was using X-602 and there were virtually no more disabled children being born.
I like this paragraph, although again I thought “hotcakes” invoked a better image then “mad”. Again, it’s just personal preference.

As soon as the x602 kid’s hit about 15 years old though, strange happenings started to appear. There were videos on YouTube of kids picking up cars; some were even moving things with their mind.

At first all these bizarre happenings were brushed off as hoaxes, but as the frequency of the occurences escalated, the government started to investigate. When they came across these kids they took them away to prison like facilities. They hoped to learn more about these powers and how to control them, and perhaps utilize them for political gain. A government funded program was started to round up these kids to government facilities scattered throughout America.
Personally I think it sounds a lot better now, but that it is entirely up to you. I’m not sure if they’ve taken away from the simple way you were trying to tell the story. I thought it could just use a little a more literary flare, don’t be afraid to experiment. Use a thesaurus and dictionary to find new interesting words to use, and your use of pronouns was lacking. I read “drug” 3 or 4 times in the second paragraph, it just didn't sound right to me. Good idea, roll with it and get creative. Hopefully it’ll turn out to be a great story!