Detox reflections

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.

My mantra for the end of 2019 and all of 2020.

So on Thursday I posted Melancholy Hill and then went to bed. Shout out to Some Guy for his constant support and comradely. Even if I don`t reply to it, I appreciate it.


Friday started off normal and fine enough. Been keeping a morning routine well enough, even if I do squeeze every last second of sleep in I can and get up with just enough time to get around for work. Keeping it simple seems to be working though. Work went smoothly enough, came home with the intention of working towards things. In a relativity good and motivated mood. Then fell into the chaos of home here. Ended up feeling burnt out from situations I can`t do anything about at this point and losing time. I mean I don`t remember falling asleep but....I woke up and I don`t remember a good few hours so I just passed out into an exhaustion sleep....probably. These situations I can`t do anything to change but just keep taking to much out of me.

I need to focus on building myself up to where i`m stable, before I can help anyone.


Bring people up on my come up.

Satuarday was a amazing day at work really. Went in with only 12 rooms per person, wiped that out quick then covered another persons rooms after she got sick and threw up all over a room. Hopefully I don`t catch that. Finished early, and didn`t leave any dirty rooms out minus the throw up room. After work....was a party.....not really my scene but I do appercite being included. It was my managers house warming/birthday mostly just her family and work people. It was alright lots of people I didn`t know, loud music I couldn`t hear anything over, and a crowded room....all things that put me on edge. Maybe it`s just because I can be overly sensitive to auditory situmli but I seemed to be the only one for which every other sound was drowned out by the music. Other people were talking fine, but i couldn`t hear nothing but the music.

Maybe it`s just my social anxiety but even when being included I still felt kinda left out in a setting like that. I tried drinking, maybe it would unwind me, everybody there was drinking. Four wine-coolers and no effect. No buzz, no feeling more social, no feeling more comfortable, and only a headache in the morning, I`ve kinda decided to not drink anymore. It doesn`t do anything for me, and it`s just putting something harmful in me mainly to fit in. I mean if I had ever felt some effect maybe that`d be different but I really only drink in social situations. Same with...a certain illegal plant....might as well just not put my already poor body through that for no benefit.



There was a slight moment at the party. A couple nights ago, the room count at the hotel kept ticking up and up and up. Me, my supervisor, and my work wife (I proposed with a ring pop....that`s a whole story....we work hard so we also just do random fucking shit to blow off steam...we`re a funny bunch) were all doing rooms together to try and get out of there. The work wife is going on talking talking, which is fine. I`m just different I hyper focus when i`m trying to work. I give basic, yeah answers. She was talking about taking a future trip back home to Trinidad and I asked when her Bora Bora trip was. Turns out they were instead going to Vegas. That conversation then took a turn, and I got invited to both Trinidad and Vegas. I gave it a shrug off yeah maybe answer but I at least felt really included by the invite.

Fast forward to the party. There was a moment towards the end of it, where the work wife just randomly brings up..catching me off guard..."Kinz (well my real name) said he wants to go to Vegas with us." and idk if it`s just my social ineptitude, or over thinking everything but that seemed to shift everything. First off, I didn`t concentrate agree to a invantoin I was given. That wording (to me) at least made it sound more like I was trying to intrude upon a trip which wasn`t the case. I don`t even know if Vegas would be my scene. I mean I can see where it could be buffets, magic shows, comedians, musicians, sight seeing, and I do like going to urban settings and feeling just the bustle of the street. I like just watching life unfold on the street around me if that makes any sense. However this trip would probably more include gambling and booze which...I don`t know just dones`t tingle my loins.

The dam supervisor even went as far as to go.

"Really Kinz" to that, which I don`t know how to take, but also YOU WERE THERE. You know the context, of that why are you reallying me?

Idk while I somewhat fit in with this group, I don`t competlly I don`t know if I fit in anywhere fully. Even those who I do connect better with and our closet to me...I sometimes wonder if thats a two way thing or one way....I don`t know.

Also remind me I owe a coworker some money from the cab home.


Then came Sunday, woke up with a splitting head ache. Once I got water into me and into the flow of working it went away. I started a detox in a way. Not one of those detox diet fads which are mostly all bull crap. No just something simpler. I made the above decision that morning that I will no longer be doing certain things just for social sake. I also kinda just randomly tossed in there to cut down on my caffeine problem. I`ve had a caffeine problem for....as far back as I can remember. Kinda funny that this is the one adicatoin I fell into. Depressed, traumatized, and socially inept. I could`ve been a smoker, or a drinker but I never did. There was a fear there, always had a lot on my shoulders and may or may not be somewhat tightly wound. The idea of drinking or getting high and then dropping a ball....no I drop balls well enough sober I couldn`t afford that. Caffeine though, there`s no headache to sneaking around and it keeps you awake and alert (not really but) it`s been whats kept me chugging for as long as I can recall.


About four or five sodas a day in the least. I`ve cut back a little sometimes but always right back there at the first hint of stress. ....as of typing this haven`t had a single caffeinated drop in three days. Four if I get through today. Cold brew teas in the morning, a sweet green tea they have at work for lunch, and a detox tea after work. Not that kind you think it`s just a cleansing brew, of different herbs and such.

Also got my Care of vitamin shipment finally in there easy to take little packs. Been taking one each day along with a eye vitamin, vitamin c, and these chocolate vitamins I found. turmeric, probitic, sleep aid, and calm one. Been taking those every morning.

Have been cheating and slipping in some Ginger ale Lemonade but shush. It`s not caffeinated. All the sugar though...probably less then cola though. Maybe.

Want to go into the new decade strong, strong and clear.

Sunday at work went pretty ok, only rooms were all the ones that checked out. That still ended up being a lot.

Coming home, I did my tea and sat down here to write a blog titled "Treat you`r body like a temple fill it with wine" and ...just stared at the screen for a few hours then went to bed.

Monday was just the rooms left from Sunday. The rooms cleaned on Sunday were still clean which was nice. Work on Monday wasn`t terrible other then....I got a cart from laundry to keep the laundry in to take it down to the laundry room. I took it up to fourth floor to turn my keys in at the office, and set it by the elevator...then took the stairs out forgetting it...had to go back in to take it down.

That was on Sunday.

Got told to never do that again on Monday, which fair enough but there was an implication there like I did it on purpose as to pass on my responsibility. No I`m just a scatterbrain there`s no malicious intent in there. There`s more here but we`ll get to that.

Monday was also the start of the remote saga. Well Sunday was but. The remotes! Ok so my last room on Sunday the remote was missing I check under the beds in every room before I make it. Didn`t see it. I then checked while the older supervisor was in there. Thought I saw something went to get it ...nothing. Fast forward to Monday the matnice man found the remote...under the bed....so I caught the hell for that. A friend (my platonic life partner) brought up that ghosts do that move things around and then put it back. It`s a sign of paranormal activey. I work on the floor everybody claims is haunted, and I have heard like random belly laughs after I run into something even though i`m alone and stuff like that. Nothing that`s ever bothered me, I doubt it`s anything and if it is it`s just a easily amused ghost.

Her explanation while interesting helps me zero because the ghost did it would not fly over well. I was talking to a paranormal investigator on tinder for a bit maybe he could check it out.

Though he ghosted me...

That`s ironic.

Work went fine from there. Last room got rushed because the older supervisor (just to differentiate from the other supervisor i`ve already mentioned) wanted to catch her bus which...fine. That`s fair enough.

I came home made my detox and went to finally continue my counseling on Betterhelp which i`ve been putting off responding to. Hit to send the message. Got a payment error message....may have maxed my credit card...thats a problem gonna have to check that today....for that night though I just rolled into bed.

Need to get better at managing my money..


to much like my father

I even wad up my cash like him.

Which we both had ADHD and dyscalculia so maybe rather then an inhertend personality trait we just had simaler executive functioning struggles.

Then came Tuesday. Rooms cleaned Sun and Mon were still clean but all the non used rooms on 2nd apparently got rented out because so many stay overs popped up. The remote saga continued. My first room of the day I missed a remote even though I know I checked that bed. The older supervisor said it was sticking right out, so how I missed it I don`t even know. I didn`t even say I checked though I know I did i`m not dieing on that hill. That resulted in her making a list of things I need to be doing in my rooms like checking the beds (which I am but murr). Later on she came to my cart to clean it while I was doing a room and talked about how I didn`t have any supply's.

This is where I`m gonna get into something. I have reasons for a lot of things. I don`t say them because they might come off as excuses and mabye they are so I just alright here to death. But i want to list them in a safe space.

On the never having enough supplies, we stock our carts at the end of the night. I have been stocking my cart every night, keeping up on supplies. Keeping extra in the side bags. The reason I had almost no supplies today was because you were rushing us out last night and I never got the chance to go up to stock. Not to mention the stay over that`s been for a week wanting extra everything every day has drained my stores.

As for the cart not being neat ok that`s on me. It`s not like I don`t make the effort to do that, I straighten it up in the morning and at the end of the day. It`s just while I work, that it kinda looks like a tornado. I know i`m slow, you you`rself used to yell at me over my speed for weeks. Though now you`r suddenly nice which just puts me even more on edge. I want to get the rooms done as well and as quick so I can move onto the next room. I`m not cutting any corners in the room, but stopping to straighten up the cart gets bottom priority. Maybe this is a flawed thinking loop i`ve got myself stuck in which is fair. Missing the forest for the trees. Focusing on getting this one room done and not what will help me get the next ten done. Also i`m just not a organised person and I don`t mean to blame this on my ADHD but like that is a part of it. It`s not an excuse to acknowledge something if you`r trying to work on it. It is a excuse if you`r using to absolve you`rself. People forget that now a days especially with mental health matters.

The not stopping and taking the time thing kinda covers a lot, like my lint roller that I do fold over but when I feel like i`m behind I dont because it`s the last thing you do in a room and I want to finish. I need to step back and not do that.

On the laundry there`s the blue bags which i`m supposed to have on my cart that I got flack for not using. I can`t keep that dam blue bag ok. Even that day I got flack on it and started using it again we were being rushed out so someone took my blue bag which is meant for you to keep after you dump the contents down the chute which no one but me uses down to laundry. Had to get another blue bag from laundry..which I kept forgetting to do. I did leave work with a blue bag on the cart though so there`s that.

Now the big thing is the tale of two supervisors the younger one and the older one. Both of whom have worked with me exstinvlay and showed me how to do things and called me out for doing things not that way....thing is.


There ways are both competly different. If I do it the one`s way while the other one is on duty I`ll get called out and vice versa. So that`s just all types of stress and confusion. And im not gonna say anything so I take it but there not even on the same page. I have to try and build a routine that I do each day that also shifts based on who`s in charge for that day. Sometimes I wont even know who has me until a few rooms in.

Ok that is all lead up to my biggest gripe.

The psychoanalysis. Which I know coming from me wow. Though i try to keep that mostly focused on my , constantly reevlauting myself. This is different.

The older supervisor, was talking to me about how I need to be more consinet if I want to make full time (do I?), which fine fair enough but then what really got me was this insinuation that it`s a mater of "Oh I don`t fell like doing that today" which no....not at all. I can`t let it offend me to much because I know she does this bullshit psychoanalysis of all the workers and it`s almost always wrong. Because she knows nothing about the workers and doesn`t try to she just bases it entirely off of a limited view of them and then her own world view and thinking. Which we all do in a way when we gossip or judge people but in a management role..it`s not great.

It`s something my mother always does as well espeiclay towards my glitch. Adding some conscience intent or motive to something where there really is none. When it`s just oversight or a glitch that I can`t even quite pin down. All I can do is not get offended and work on my tool box to overcome the glitches.

I don`t know how long I want to be there .For now it`s a good enough place to stay, safe mostly. Nothing come easy to me it takes my longer then others but I get there. I probably will get it all if I hang in there but I don`t know about the environment for long term. Like on the one hand I do like most of the coworkers and the sense of family there but there`s a double side to a kinda gossipy hard pressure filled culture. Not like i`m a victim of it but...do I want to be a part of it? Suppose that`s anywhere, just need to keep yourself an island. More than that I just don`t know if its the best place I`m suited for though it is a good beging.



I belong but then I don`t.

There`s also the matter of that I`ve caught myself over the past two days, digging my keys into my hand hard without really thinking about it or noticing which...isn`t a good thing.

After all that on Tuesday I went to see platonic life partner after her first day at a new job. Five hours sitting in a room for training...glad I got on the job training...that sounds painful. It was nice haven`t seen her in a while, we talked mostly about her stuff. Mostly because I never steer the conversation towards me, I don`t really feel comfortable talking about myself. Especially not in person. I did mention i`d been feeling melancholy and depressed lately which she could tell anyways. That`s one thing I do love about that relationship is that even if I can`t communicate we can tell things about each other in other ways.


For today i`m off, tomorrow as well. Got up got my cold brew tea and some piss poor breakfast came in here and kinda typed this all morning. Suffocating list of things to do, but I feel alright taking the time to do this. It`s not any great work, i`m sure it`s typos a bound and im surprised any one reads the dribble but if it`s the only way to get the thoughts and reflections out...


I think there`s something to be said for that.

Now to try to use what`s left of this day and the next to move some mountains.