i will find myself through nothing

....I realized that there is something about me that is different from everyone else. It's no special gift or ability that I have that makes me different. It's not even a good thing.

People, most people anyways, normal people, try to build themselves up. Try maybe to at least maintain a calm. I do not.

I stir the waters. I don't like itm, but I do it. You see.....I cannot be calm. Calm for me, well is not calm. when everything in my life is haywire, when someone hates me, when people are angry with me, when i hate the world and everyone in it, that is calm for me. A crazy calm. The eye of the storm.

I want to reach bottom . I already have done so much. So much crazyness in my life. Alcoholl, drugs. rehab, psychologists, emergeny rooms , losing job, losing friends, losing lovers.

None of these things sound appealing to me. And there was a great deal of sadness in all of it.

But you see, I have to keep going down. Once I have nothing, i feel that i would be free. I have been stuck and trapped in this life of mine. Ruled my dettachment from society yet a yearning to be a part of it as much as people disgusts me.

I want to be free. so many chains to break. So many chains that were made by me. If i push myself to the end, to the brink, then I will be free. Only when human beings are at a precipice do they begin to change.

I want my precipice. I want to step to the edge. And if i die, well i tried. And i don't die. Then everything will be worth it. Because if I don't die, I will come out as close to perfection in my eyes that can come. I will have my calm. A calm that will not be changed by any outside influence.

I will put myself through hell. And i will learn to love myself throught that. Love my perserverance if i can live throught everything.

I don;t know if i will make it. Maybe i will take my life through insanity or overdose or die of alcohol poisioning. But Im doing this all for the chance that I will come ouot of it alive.

I will come out of it alive, and free, and grateful. And when that day comes, the sun will be brighter than any other day in my life, the air will smell cleaner than it has ever been, food will taste sweeter than it has ever and I will look at myself in the mirror and love the girl who is staring back.