Inadequacy

By Magus · May 21, 2018 · 425 · 6

I feel so horrible when I listen to Jordan Peterson telling his students that they are capable of reaching their goals because if they weren't they wouldn't be in university. I'm not in Uni, never been close to even being considered for it. I'm jealous that his reassurance isn't placed on me.

The voice that keeps playing in my head is saying "You're not the people he's speaking about, you haven't worked hard ever. You're the type of person he talks about when informing people of the chaos to avoid"

I sag into my chair and just stare into nothingness while the voice continues droning on. The realization dawns on me that I will always be a step below the average joe. My ego takes from that thought to mean I should stop trying, my fates been sealed. If I can't be above people in status then I'm a nobody. How noble.

I struggle with social anxiety, and it's been a fair amount of time since I quit my last job. I keep making excuses for myself, the scenario is never perfect enough for me to take action. I get intensely motivated and then crash into the ground hard. Despite what people say about failure, I find it of little use. I don't learn from it important lessons, instead I learn of my inability to live a life of worth to society. I've always been a failure, at school, at work. I'm the guy who drops the product on the floor, who miscounts and has to make everyone recount because of my mistake. The guy people have to watch over because they're worried I'll fuck things up.

I try so hard to try and persuade myself that I'm capable, but I've never been able to actually perform in such a manner. The things I'm "good" at I'm mediocre at best. I've played guitar for so long, but can barely play anything correctly or fully. Writing is one of the subjects I was able to perform at a college level with a decent grade, and I'm still mediocre at best. I don't even know how to structure this fucking rant. I'm guessing where each period and ever paragraph should be placed or end.

The more I reflect on myself the less hope I feel. I could cherry pick some quality about myself that I think is good, but they've never been put to the test. I say I wouldn't bully people, but I was never popular enough to really know for sure. I say I would defend others with my life, but I can't know for sure. My arrogant mental construction of myself is some holly wood movie star. A ranger riding into town, stoic and uncompromising to the rule of law. What a pathetic joke.

Maybe this blog and my rantings will cause some change in my thinking. Maybe putting these feelings into words will help alleviate the symptoms. But so far, there's been little progress. God speed.
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paperbackwriter likes this.

Comments

You sound smart enough to me to go to University.But these places are too PC these days.

paperbackwriter, May 22, 2018
If you want to challenge yourself, I wonder if there was some less traditional way to get a degree? Evening classes, community college, something that'd fit your current life situation?

I prefer to think there's nothing wrong with being mediocre. I'm never the most interesting, funniest, most talkative or most charismatic person in a group. I'm kind of forgettable, tend to come across serious, and when I talk, I never seem to be able to say things the "right" way. I feel people don't seek my company voluntarily (or maybe it's in my head?), but they don't show aversion either. I don't have stellar skills, and I'm constantly struggling to keep myself afloat and my head above the water. Half the time I feel like an imposter.

You aren't alone with your feelings, your sense of inadequacy and hopelessness. It's good you wrote it out, "ranted", because I'm sure there are others your post resonates with.

KaTrian, May 22, 2018
@KaTrian Challenges require some courage to undertake, and I've long understood a major problem with me is my cowardice. Part of my post spoke about how I've failed so many times. I believe there's a point where failure stops being a process for growth and becomes an undeniable statistic regarding my potential. I don't think I can handle many more failures, regardless of what I may learn from them.

My issue with mediocrity isn't mediocrity itself; it's the what if of my potential to overcome it. I want to know if I'm capable of more, but I'm so afraid of finding out that I'm not. But then part of me wants to know, so it can be over, so no matter the outcome I can stop feeling guilty about wasting potential or feeling anxious about not having it. Simply knowing what I am, and what I'm not. I can't decide if I want to know or not.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. I love that quote.

Magus, May 22, 2018
I prefer to think there's nothing wrong with being mediocre. (Katrian)

Depends what you're talking about. On this forum I would think we are all trying to rise above mediocrity in regard to writing skills.
I think you mean in the social arena. Well I agree of course because it is not my forte either. I don't value it that highly to be honest anyway. Charm can be very transient and superficial and usually our most sincere friends are not charming but are instead loyal and good listeners.
In regard to mediocrity in study at a University level. This is where effort and persistence can actually match and outpoint the lazier student. I think you'd be surprised how much you can learn by sheer determination.

paperbackwriter, May 22, 2018
@paperbackwriter I think what your explaining would mean being industrious. Peterson said in his personality course introduction that they don't know much about what makes people industrious. It may well be that some people don't have the ability, or the ability to achieve the ability within any reasonable means.

It sounds like I'm making excuse for myself but right now I'm not really talking about myself; more of just a rambling of thoughts. What makes the lazy student what they are, and what makes the other student so industrious? The more I think about it the more I see the inequality of minds and how unfair it truly is.

I find that when a person is doing well, they want to claim ownership of all their quality's that led to their achievements, and when they're down the exact opposite occurs. I think when there are polar opposites in thinking like that it's an obvious indicator of a truth nestled in between. Perhaps it's something like this. We are given strengths at birth by chance, we can claim no credit for these things, yet we can nurture them and have their growth be an indicator of accomplishment. The down side of this is also what Peterson mentions in his personality lectures, are your talents best suited to the time in which you're born or your environment in general. No doubt a psychopath would prosper in an age of perpetual war more so than a person prone to extreme empathy and vice versa. In times of war we pin medals on the chests of brutal killers, in times of peace we shame them and lock them in cages. In times of war we(Using the world wars as example) view the empathetic individual as being timid, and shame them into action against themselves or against the enemy.

I don't like the idea of destiny, but it seems we are placed on a path with twists and turns that all lead to a single destination. How we get there is irrelevant. Death is the destination, our destiny. It's been foretold. Perhaps so has our contribution to society been determined with the gifts or curses placed upon us at birth. The illusion of agency, we simply act out our given script in the human species drama.

Magus, May 22, 2018
Magus
You've watched more of peterson it sounds like. I need to see more of the personality lectures. You've made some thought provoking comments too. thanks.

paperbackwriter, May 22, 2018

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Inadequacy

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