Io Sucks

By Iain Aschendale · Feb 19, 2019 · 886 · 13
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  1. Io, on Netflix.

    Painful painful painful awful fucking shitty horrible piece of crap, the writer(s) should have their everything revoked.

    I'm not going to spoiler-wrap this because I want to save you from the movie, dammit.

    First ten seconds or whatever, "Some people say it was the pollution, I call it human nature." "sending ships to other planets to harvest their geothermal energy."

    You what?!?

    No, I don't care about the terminology, but Earth isn't short on geothermal energy last I checked, and just how the fuck do you "harvest" geothermal energy? What's the transmission or storage medium you're planning on using?

    Wait, they've just "harvested" half of Io's geothermal energy. Anybody in the back know where that energy comes from? Anyone?

    And they're gonna use it to colonize Proxima Centauri b. You think Beijing smog is bad, try living in a triple system practically inside of a red dwarf star with aurora borealis that you could microwave popcorn to.

    Oh, wait, she's gonna make bees evolve to deal with the shitty air pollution. Let's take a sterile worker bee that has evolved to and grown up in decent air and put it in a fish tank filled with an atmosphere so polluted and oxygen-starved it won't sustain open flame. Shit, the bee didn't evolve in time because that's not how fucking evolution works!!!!!! If the writer grew up near the beach, but never learned to swim, do you think they'd evolve some fucking gills if I held their head underwater long enough?

    I'm turning this piece of shit off. I spend hours poring over aerial photos of LA, consult with my person on the ground @Shenanigator to see what the real feel of neighborhoods are, research care packages for the homeless, dig through Dante, ask my dad about the physics of micro black holes, create memberships on hobbyist forums to ask questions about my characters' potential hobbies all in the name of getting it as right as I can, and find that someone has chucked several million dollars (yes, I looked, and no, there are no budget figures available. Moon, starring Sam Rockwell, cost $5 million though, so that's a decent rule of thumb comparison, IMO) at this piece of shit?
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  1. John-Wayne
    Dayum, my story may just have a chance if this is the story telling that gets the check mark for passable for movies. sounds pretty bad, and very poor reseraching. even as a lamen, I know some of that is wrong. LOL.

    and the "Human Nature Line" is awkward as Fuck (AF)
    John-Wayne, Feb 19, 2019
  2. Iain Aschendale
    It does have a 33% on Rotten Tomatoes, and the most helpful review on imdb says it would have made a great 8 minute short.
    Iain Aschendale, Feb 19, 2019
  3. John-Wayne
    Yeah, I saw the RT Score, however other places have it at a 51%, which is odd from what you described.
    John-Wayne, Feb 19, 2019
  4. Shenanigator
    IKR? I've made three damn batches of cabbage soup and have played Rousseau's video for Liszt's La Campanella untold times (has to be between 50 and 75) to get Alexei's playing scene right, and that trainwreck zooms on by. I know zilch about science, and even I know you can't harvest and store geothermal energy.

    Maybe we'd better take some cleansing breaths...
    Shenanigator, Feb 19, 2019
  5. John-Wayne
    @Shenanigator , now that I know that any piece of garbage without an ounce of proper research is able to pass as a story / movie. I've decided to disregard your device I'm going to go ahead and publish my book. I mean fuck it, why bother put in the effort of editing, plot cohesion or even the smallest amount of effort trap something that makes sense when Anything Goes

    So fuck it! I am publishing my book as is!!! With a cover that just says Kristol on it!

    P.s. I'm not really, and this is satire!! LOL
    John-Wayne, Feb 19, 2019
  6. Wreybies
    You'll want to give The Titan a miss as well for many of the same indictments as Io. A little more money thrown at that one, so the production values are better, but the premise is equally and similarly heinous. Long-story short: Program to "engineer" already grown, adult humans to live out in the open on the moon Titan where surface temps hover at a balmy -290ยบ F.
    Wreybies, Feb 19, 2019
  7. Iain Aschendale
    @Wreybies the thing is, the thirty minutes or so that I managed weren't even terrible in terms of cinematography or SFX, it's just the people behind the film all spent their childhoods being dropped on their heads and revived with handfuls of lead paint.

    But thanks for the heads up LOL.
    Iain Aschendale, Feb 19, 2019
  8. GrahamLewis
    Those so-called writers are no doubt laughing all the way to the bank. There's what sells and there's what's good in the quality sense, two areas that only rarely coincide.

    Goes back to the question of why one writes.
    GrahamLewis, Feb 19, 2019
  9. Iain Aschendale
    Yup, original author gets 5% of the production budget (capped when you go all Michael Bay and shit), dunno what the screenwriters get, but if it's budget and not profit-based, well...

    I wonder how Netflix/Amazon/SyFy reckon profits? No ticket sales, but there has to be a metric.
    Iain Aschendale, Feb 19, 2019
      Kinzvlle likes this.
  10. Wreybies
    The issue I take with films like this is that they miss the point of a ridiculous premise. I'm willing to see past the absurd if there's a point to it. Like my oft-bandied example of the film Her. I certainly believe that A.I. will eventually happen. I am one thousand percent sure you and I won't be able to buy it at the mall or Best Buy. That part is utterly ridiculous. The issues to modern ideation concerning national security are incalculable. No government would allow their sale. But I was willing to look past that because the film wasn't about A.I.s you can buy at the mall. It's about something else entirely. Io and The Titan don't really reach the level where an improbable port of entry to a story leads to higher levels of conversation.
    Wreybies, Feb 19, 2019
  11. Iain Aschendale
    For me there's this scientific uncanny valley. Lightsabers, photon torpedos, anti- or artificial-gravity? Fine, tell me a story, I'll roll with all of it. Mega-Tokyo? It's already there, just not quite so tall, but when you start putting 45cm telescopes in Earth's atmosphere that can tell if the space station on Io needs a paint job or harvesting percentages of the geothermal energy from the one body in the solar system that I know is constantly having more generated, I'm out. The Martian? Right over that valley onto safe ground, despite its occasional flaws.
    Iain Aschendale, Feb 19, 2019
  12. Iain Aschendale
    Oh god, I'm going to have to watch the first ten minutes or so again, because I'm pretty sure that the quad-bike she rode into the polluted zone, the area without enough o2 to support flame, had an internal combustion engine...
    Iain Aschendale, Feb 20, 2019
      Shenanigator, Wreybies and John-Wayne like this.
  13. Wreybies
    Spare yourself the 10 min. That's precisely what happens. ;)
    Wreybies, Feb 20, 2019
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