my search

I hope for better days ahead for you.

a million times yes. yes. yes. this could easily be me who'd written this. i understand how you feel completely with all my heart.

i feel so disconnected from everyone and everything in my life. nothing seems to fit. every day i feel as though i'm in completely the wrong place, doing the wrong things, at the wrong time.

i work hard. i'm almost at the end of my psychology degree which i've always put every ounce of energy i've got into it. i also work part-time to pay for my car, my books, my clothes, the things i need. i ask nothing of my parents. i save most of what i earn. i rarely go out. i never go out clubbing and get drunk. i work every weekend. i contribute in a big way to the housework. i live at home but i do more than my fair share. i cook, i clean, i wash. on paper, that may seem like a good solid life. that's a comfort to me. i know i'm not lazy. i do all i can. but it's not enough for anybody. i feel completely unappreciated. often i wonder whether i'm invisible.

my father especially makes me feel like a horrible person. sometimes when he looks at me he looks straight through me and doesn't see me. i feel as though i'm not good enough, that i'm not who he wanted me to be. it fills me with all kinds of emotions i hate; resentment, anger, bitterness.

with my mother it's quite confusing who is the mother and who is the daughter. my father treats her how he should treat me. she gets away with everything, takes all the credit for the running of the house, gets waited on hand and foot, is driven everywhere by him or me as she can't drive, and just generally acts as though she has the hardest life imaginable. she works three and a half hours each day monday to friday. i average more than that as i work more hours over fewer days because of my studies.

i feel like a complete burden on my parents. i'm always the odd one out. it's them and then there's me.

i have friends. but they lead lives that i can't relate to in the slightest. with them it's all boyfriend drama and going out getting drunk. things that are alien to me.

that's why i write because it has to come out somehow. and i understand what you mean about saying it to strangers. because it makes you sound like a complete and utter bitch. i hate the words that come out when i express how i feel. but it all tightens up inside you until you feel as though you're going to burst.

the loneliness is deafening.

i believe in karma though. it helps me sometimes. i just keep quiet, keep my head down, work hard, and keep an ounce of hope in a corner of my heart that one day i'll have done enough to deserve the life i've worked for.

i'm sorry if i've unloaded on you a little there. feel free to pm me if you ever want to chat and sound like a bitch to someone who knows you're not and knows how it feels.​