so, this is what it has come to. I can't talk to my friends, I can't talk to my family, of course. I can write in my journal but I need my words out there for people to hear them even if someone just glances at them.
I am scared. I have become lost in my search for freedom. i believe everything in life is a distraction. Distracting me from my mind. Someone once told me that I can convey emotions through words so beatifully. And for a second, just for a second I believed it. And now I'm stuck. Now I want everyone to feel what I am saying. Maybe that is why a journal will no longer do. No one will ever read my journal. And I am scared to death that anybody will ever read my journal.
Even if just by accident someone comes by these words, that is enough for me, for now anyways. I don't know if the reader of this passage can feel the desperation i feel inside myself in themselves when they read this. I just want to be heard. To be heard by strangers even.
because like I said I am scared. I rather be heard by strangers, then take a risk of trying on the people close to me and my words falling on deaf ears.
I am a coward in so many ways. Pathethic ways/ yet I am reluctant to change. Scared of myself and of others and how they would view me. Maybe I am just human. And because of that I hate my humanity. Keeeping me in this close cage of humility and pride and ego. I'm tired of it.
Oh god. Oh anybody. Can you hear me? Can you feel me? The loneliness? The stubborness? the despair? I hate it all. And yet, I love it all because it is all I ever known. All I will ever be. For that, I hate myself.
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