December 21, 2011
I find myself in this state of mind often, Alcohol or Drugs take me away from a true existence. Another mindless reaction to my own mutiny, a victim of self. Time is the only constant in my favor, but yet i always seem to make it stand still in the bad times.
Looking deeper inside, i find that i need acceptance from others, desperately clawing to get my ego scratched. In this motion towards acknowledgement, i fumble on the cold hard facts of criticism and scrutiny. Feeling as though i am a huge tree that has been hacked down into merely a stump. Reveling all that has been holding me together, while the rest of my timber crashes into the ground to remain forever paralyzed. Only if i were a smaller tree, i think, the fall would not be so devastating, when my ego is cut and falls prey to the floor.
I am the tree, growing tall and strong. the bigger we are, the harder we fall. Realizing my indolence of change is what holds me together now. You have been saving me from this indolence. A new way to care for things.
I am imperfect, as we are. My reactions are a shield to protect myself. Leaving the rest to yield, pulling out shields of their own. Clashing reality, a defense for the defensive.
A look of disappointment is my fear. In my walk of life, i move forward in a constant flow of emotions and feeling. I look up to the ones whom i love with sensitive eyes. Every bit of pain you endure is another lashing. Affects of my actions lie poisonously in my soul.
A persisting resistance is welling inside me. A war of words, thoughts, twisted ambitions and destructive behavior. These things warp whats what.
What holds me down is me, an indisputable conception. A new way to live has been shared, LIFE has always been there to be lived, life is here for me when im ready to live.
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