That small voice

My comment to 8bitBob's blog entry today reminded me of something rather painful.

I got that newspaper job -- that I mentioned in my response -- because of a vision. I was born in the butte, bluff, and pine country of northwestern Nebraska. Yes, it's not all flat. I moved (or rather was moved) to that flat land when I was 3. But an image of the bluffs viewed from our house out west was seared into my toddler consciousness. I have never felt at home anywhere else.

After graduating college with a BA in philosophy jobs were scarce. I somehow learned of a social service worker position in that same area of Nebraska. The interview letter came on letterhead with the image of two famous craggy buttes (Courthouse and Jail Rocks, Oregon Trail landmarks). I drove 9 hours for an interview and got the job. I hated it and resigned after 6 months. Jobs were even scarcer out there, do I was about to return to the big city when I stumbled onto an opening at a small weekly paper. I interviewed. The editor/publisher was a largish man in cowboy boots and blue jeans. After we talked he noted my total lack of experience and credentials and asked, "What will you do if I don't hire you?" I said I guessed I would get a job harvesting sugar beets. He said, "We can't have that. Go out there and find Nadine (my resigning predecessor) and have her teach you how to use the Leica camera. You're now our general news reporter. We'll print up some business cards for you."

The next six months were the best of my life. I knew I was home. I learned I could write nonacademic stuff, made friends, wandered the wilderness, learned to use a darkroom, no time sheets no fixed work schedule -- and very little money. I decided to put practicality above my dreams, and resigned, to find a "real job."

Just before I left I was talking to a our printers, a full-blooded Sioux Indian, and talked about my vision and my love for the west. "Then why," he asked, are you leaving?"

I had no answer

I have since realized the answer. I left because I did not trust that small voice inside, and I have regretted it ever since. I can never be truly home anywhere but there, and I doubt I will ever make it back.

I miss it more than I ever knew.


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