This is for those who have offered me a kind word, or gentle advice. Thank you so much for being a friend. Life is easier when we have others to help lighten the load. If you haven't and you are thinking, "Oh, God...why does she keep writing these things?" Please don't read it, it's not for or about you anyway.
~Everyone believes they know what they can handle. It is easy to say, "I know what I can and can't take", but it is harder to prove it. My time on this Earth has been both joyous and deeply dark and void. What I thought I could fight, brought me to my knees. What I thought I couldn't battle, I conquered. Along the way I have held everything and gained nothing, lost it all and received more than I imagined. Sometimes to gain we have to lose. I never really thought I would fall so far and lose so much, but it happened and left me confused.
My hope and dreams have been that of determination and wishful thinking. We can sit around and wait for something magical to happen or we can move forward and make it happen. It will take patience and so much love for the vision, it will take a strong will and set mind. I know because I am in that place now.
The truth is, we are in control of who we are, sometimes this fact comes with a sacrifice. I might in time have to give up a few things and people...most likely will. It is going to hurt, but I have to be strong enough to trust it will make me stronger. Who I am is hidden in games and fantasy, a world so far from me. I have unknowingly allowed others to wrap me up into their own pleasure, their own design. What we see for ourselves isn't always envisioned by those who know us and say they love us.
I had to face this knowing and come to terms with why I am so unhappy. I have allowed myself to be controlled by other people. I can't do this any longer. It is time I begin to take back my life, the one that I am entitled, it is our right to live freely after all. There is a gypsy inside of me and she lives free and easy. She will dream of stability and run to Cape Cod, dig roots in Florida and dream of Italy. She might be weary but she will smile in spite of it. When her heart is breaking, she still believes in love. She is tenacious and full of spirit with an insatiable desire for life.
There are those who will be waiting for me to come and join them in the facade I once called my life, but I wont show. There will be those who have sat me in the corner until they needed me, I wont be there when they call my name. Life is coming together now, for me and my inner gypsy. It is funny,a lot of what I thought I needed isn't even a second thought. For I have found the courage to look inside of my heart and trust what I see.
If only I could convey this sense of freedom and relief. There is joy in the making, I am looking down my path with anticipation as it all comes together.
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