Wishing, searching, falling...

I'm a little disappointed. I had hoped that after tonight I would OK.

Thursday, Valentine's Day, ended the trend of good that began when I turned 18 two days before that. For once, my b-day was good, and I had hoepd it would stay that way. Something about how every one of my friends got flowers in school on Valentine's Day, except me, hurt. Not dating-gift flowers, flowers from friends that the school began as a project. You feel so ostracized when everyone who is seen as dorkier, meaner, or stupider than you has a flower or three. Then you feel even worse for feeling what I just typed.

Well, after walking around all of school feeling like that, we had family therapy for the first time. It stressed my mother out, so my brother and I spent "bonding time" with her. My dad, the cause of the uproot other than me, went off on his own. And it hurt my mother. She began crying when she thought I was asleep. And telling Dad that she didn't see the man she loved anywhere and really thought the family wasn't going to make it. She went to work in tears, and I spent the night worrying - I thought she'd crash on the way to work, and Dad has threatened suicide multiple times...

I was so depressed on Friday. So, so depressed...

So today, which started out great (I ran into three of my good friends before the party we'd planned even started) would solve all of it. And it almost did.

So I don't know, maybe it's the hormones of that woman's biological curse attacking me (which would make no sense since that's never been a problem), I got so mad at people. Just...I've lost trust in a lot of things and people, including me.

I ended up walking with Evan, my best friend, very very late. I had to apologize for some things I'd done, some very immature things. I really wish I could blame the hormones. But I can’t. I just think there’s something wrong with me. Or that my inner brat finally won over the image I let him believe in all this time that I don’t think is really me.

And man, why do I whine?! He’s right - I’ve seen other things so much worse than my mental state when I work to make the world a better place and try to understand what's going on across the oceans, so why am I this way?! WHY?!

I don’t know. I don’t know, god dammit...and I don’t know what to do for myself.

Maybe...I should skip Monday? And try to do things for myself? I don’t know.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for being this whiney and emo...