The Not Happy Thread

What I mean is that there are many, many positive interactions occurring on a daily basis that we never hear about, and the negative ones tend to get magnified out of all proportion.

 

Anyone else who gets mad at family???

Just now I am real glad to be half a continent away from them. Does my mother really believe I will spend every single hour of my precious holidays from work with her??? And why does she try to manipulate me??? That is something I really, truly despise!

*bangs her head against wall*

 

I totally sympathize. I'll be walking down the street, say, and see a black guy and a white guy walking along, too, talking and just being friends, and the Zeitgeist voice goes, "Oh, my, look at that! A black guy and a white guy Actually Getting Along! Wow, isn't that AMAZING! Like, that just DOESN'T HAPPEN!!!" Or sometimes the voice says, "Ooooh, watch out. Those guys are just pretending to be friends. Deep inside, they hate each other because of race, and any minute now they're going to start fighting. In fact, they should start fighting!"

I'm longing for the day when people can just be people in all their diverse glory and thoughts like that are gone for good. But even as I write that, Mr. Zeitgeist is whispering to me, "What you really want is for everything to be 'normal' according to your White Privileged view of the world." Crap!

Thank heaven for real non-white friends and family and coworkers. With them I can focus on what we're focussing on together and temporily, at least, shut the stinking voice up.

 

Drank and stayed up late last night with friends. Paying for it today. Usually don't drink or stay up late, so feeling it a lot. Sucks. And I have to move today and tomorrow. Bleh.

 

Even more important than that is the fact that we, as a majority, can recognize this as shitty behavior.

 

I know, right? It's like there's a part of my brain that is incapable of realizing/or doesn't want to realize that people can look past things like skin color and see the human beings within each other. No, no! It's impossible, statistically impossible!! Or it tells me that I'm not allowed to enjoy things like anime or black rap because it's cultural appropriation.

Gah, curse our society for creating that voice!

Let that be a lesson to you, my friend. If you have a busy day the next day, don't stay up so late drinking.

 

Sci fi... It's looks easy when others do it. I hope it looks like that for me some day.

 

Whenever I go to my mother's I find I have to help her because someone either miscommunicated about helping her or didn't think on the issue a little longer.

 

Well, being poor is a crime. But whats worse is when youre in the middle and youre driven down to below poverty because you dont fit in with the status quo, or youre too good and make others look bad, or you have differing political views.

In the ends, I stopped caring about it all. Im at the point where I want to retire. Im in pain constantly, and facing homelessness. I have no idea how I will supoort myself, even if I do get soc sec. The max I could get is nowhere near what I need for rent.

Its because of all that, that Im not even sure if I want to publish any of my research, or my book because Im in a phase where I dont want to contribute to humanity anymore. Ive done so all my life and look where it got me...

 

May I ask what your research is on? Or at least why it's important?

 

I'm guessing it has something to do with violence or law enforcement since I think he is an ex cop.

 

Mathematician! Wow you have my respect. I have always sucked at math, never could understand why we would have irrational numbers and such. I'm not sure of your age but if you are trying for social security I just wanted to tell you that I have seen many people in those periods before getting it where they feel unproductive, un-respected, and left out in the cold. This may not make you feel better but many of them feel a little better once they have a decision. The uncertainty is the worse for many people. Constant pain is also really hard, I've seen it. This is not a fix.....but there have been studies that show that playing video games helps with pain. Again, not sure of your age but if you have never tried them you may want to, and of course writing channels endorphins if you aren't blocked and it may also help. I hope things improve for you. There are programs to help with food and medicine even some that help with utilities. Look to family and friends because even when you think you are forsaken, many times they step up and help. Lastly, a cliché.......if you've hit rock bottom.....there's no where to go but up.

 

Sounds to me like the very reason a lot of writers write.

It's not for 'them', it's for you. Hang in there.

 

Remind me never to go to a stupid public event. They've built a new bridge across a big lake here, longest floating bridge in the world, and they had a grand opening where people could walk across it all day today.

But I went to the park and ride for the shuttle to the festivities and there wasn't a single place to park, and there was a huge line to the shuttle. I gave up and went home.

Not the first time I went to a city event that was too crowded to deal with.

 

Whoa! News is saying so many people were on the bridge some people waited two hours in line for the shuttle to get back to their cars. City admits, not enough shuttles were in service. I'm glad I turned around at the park and ride. The pictures on the news showed a wall to wall crowd.

 

*sits on her temper firmly*

 

I'm having a dodgy evening - asthma is a bit tight and feeling a bit glazed over, when it's hard to focus on anything, you know?

This happens to me now and then where I just want to shut off until morning, but I'm too awake for that.

Like, I know for a fact I'll be better tomorrow, but right now I definitely count as 'not happy'.

 

Hm.

Just talked to my mother. In a nutshell, she is a) not pleased that I am writing and b) I made the mistake of telling her that I write dark fantasy. Which started a half-hour lecture on the theme of 'how can you, you will make people uncomfortable,...' yadah yadah.
Yeah I know! But I do not hold a gun to the head of anyone to read what I write!!

So where do I go from here? If I could I would thump myself that I said anything - I SO do not need that!

 

The place I moved into, we just got a "pay a bunch of money or you're out in 3 days" thing. The last place I moved in to, 2 months ago, we got a 60 day to vacate notice a week after I moved in. If we get kicked out of this place, I'm buying a van and getting a gym membership, and I'm finishing my master's program that way. Affordable housing around here is impossible to find, which is disgusting on many levels, and has made my life difficult.

Also in a vein of unhappiness, I had a good cry today. I wrote in a super thick binder/journal thing I haven't opened in several months. I wrote for about an hour, about a thing from years ago which still impacts me a great deal, which I've learned to mostly stop thinking about. I wrote my heart out and came to the conclusion that maybe that event in my life was like a thing that some force of the universe caused to happen in order to cause important, cosmic ripple effects I will never understand. A very Murakami thing, like when a character wakes up and realizes they killed somebody, but isn't sure if they killed the person, but most evidence seems to suggest they did. No, I didn't kill anybody. Like a silly, terrible, grandiose thing Murakami would write, where integrating magic and mystery and existentialism is the only way to make it make any sense. My body was shaking and I felt all sick, and I was late for a thing, and when I stood up I stretched a little then started sobbing for a few minutes. It felt good. I like crying. I welcome when it happens now, and think it's a kind of cleansing, or removal of toxins within the body. But it also felt very bad to think about the thing a bunch. Thinking about the thing started to make my face and head and lower back hurt. Like Murakami-like set of predictable, crippling aches, that have no real explanation. Even typing it out, the sensations return. I want to get some sour candy or alcohol but won't. That's how good I am at managing impulses now. Just sitting with the pain, even if it seems overwhelming. Staying with it, like a child who needs a parent to hold his hand until his unreasonably terrible feelings subside.

:l

 

I can't make any friends. Anyone that meets just date me or have sex with me, and I'm not interested in that. I've never been interested in that. I just want to be left alone and have someone to freaking talk to. The one time I try to actually do that, though, I ended up getting taken advantage of.
It's getting to the point where I want nothing to do with people anymore.

 

Parents are sometimes the bane of their children's existence. Did it ever occur to your mother that she herself might be the reason you write dark fantasy?

Just suggestin'.

 

I thought introverts don't WANT friends ~_~

 

Honestly, my mother made/makes a whole lot of difficulties for me. I have no idea why I write what I write but it was so as long as I remember. For all of me you might be right. Never occurred to me

But she definitely IS a big part of the reason I am living half a continent away from the rest of my family. And she still is my mother and - from her viewpoint - means me well. Sigh. I can't even hate her. Would be so much more easy!

 

I don't know where you live, but I am highly doubtful that such a thing is legal. Especially if it's the first notice they gave you. I'd read up on tenant protection laws in your area, you might not be able to stay but you can probably get more than 3 days to find a new place.

 

Yeah, me too! People to talk to from the heart are the most difficult to find. I have only found two in about 40 years of existence..