I’m planning my first book about my life, but before I start writing or decide to scrap the whole idea I need to make a few important decisions so I’ve come to this forum to get some advice on that. Because it’s about my life I was thinking of making it an autobiography. I didn’t have an ordinary life which is why it might make a good story idea. There was of course, the story of what happened in my mothers life before I was born, her childhood, abuse from parents, her mental disorder, failed marriages and children, and her poor and reckless decisions, which all brought on the major traumatic experiences I had in my own life. We miraculously still talk to each other, and she has been supporting me, but she is in denial of ever abusing me and would cut contact and worse if I publicised something to say that she did. Even if I didn’t go that far, I might want to at least include the abusive relationship with my father, that led to me being conceived. She had to run and hide from him, but he came back into my life later on and hurt me too. but she is a very private person, and I appreciate her private life and story, isn’t my story to tell. But without that context, I struggle to see how I could get the readers interested in the start of my story, or understand the gravity of events in the rest of the story. And to be honest, I don’t have all the puzzle pieces of what happened before I was born, I have been told all sorts. But I can put down what I know, and glue it together with fiction, then write it under a pen name and call the whole thing fiction. It isn’t really an autobiography if it includes her life though? So, what do you think I should do?
First, you probably want to write a memoir, meaning a story about a specific part of your life rather than your whole life story. You will have more luck selling and publishing a memoir. Autobiographies are usually written by people already famous or whatever. Anyone with a good story to tell about their life can write a memoir. I would read a couple memoirs to see how other writers handle their real-life stories. One of my favorites is The Suicide Index by Joan Wickersham. It's important to remember you are not writing your mother's story. That doesn't mean certain things don't overlalap that you would want to write about. But it's important to stay focused. That said, it sounds like you have a tough call to make. And, really, only you can make that call. As writers, it's certainly not unheard of that we steal from other people's lives. It's basically impossible not to when writing memoir since we don't live in a vacuum and people are part of our lives making them part of our stories. It's important that we make good decisions (whatever that means for you) when handling this sort of material. I've written about and published some memoir. And not everyone was happy about it. Even some unmentioned people were not happy with some of the things I've written, thinking it painted them in a bad light for not stepping in and helping during a certain situation. But the thing was they didn't step in so the story happened the way I wrote it with no mention of them. I have also written about my parents, including their fucked up world views, but I kept the focus on myself and how these things affected me. I'm sure they weren't happy about it, but it's been over a decade since I've seen or talked to either one of them. Writing about them is definitely not something that brought us closer together. I did hear through other people that they did not want me writing about them, but this is my story and I don't honestly care what they think. Nothing I wrote was untrue, and there are a lot more and a lot worse things I could have written. I've also written a fiction story that was published in a big magazine that was loosely based on some of my real life. I looked at all the things in my life that had gone wrong during a certain time period and played the what-if game. What if these things were not a big problem? Then what would the story be? Still, those things are there in the background of the story, but in fiction reality should really just be a jumping off point. It was still very clear to some people who I was writing about. I didn't even change names (which I'm not sure is the best move, but that's the way I did it). My story was completely fiction, but some of the characters and some of the details were pretty real. But that's something I'm okay with. As a writer, sometimes I see my life as my art. But there are certain things from my life that I don't write about even if the story would probably be pretty good. I'm not looking to expose anyone's secrets. I think if you care about someone, and they are currently in your life, and you are going to write about them, you need to be able to tell them what you are going to say prior to publication. And when stories are published there can be real life strains on those relationships. For those of us who write about our lives, we're not in this business to make friends, and maybe not even keep friends in some cases. I think the big difference between you, @Writer2828, and I is that I've been a writer a long time and everyone who knows me knows I'm a writer. It was never like I set out just to tell one story. I've written more stories than I can count. I should add that I don't regret any of my decisions, and I'm proud of the work I've had published.
I think that is the key thing you wanted help with. I say, that if you want to protect her privacy, then you definitely need to use a pen name and change her name as well. But you should give it a little bit more thought first. Maybe it is time to write openly about it? Only you can answer that question. But I see nothing wrong in making changes to the real events or using a pen name, as long as you aren't claiming 100% accuracy. And I do think that if you combine hers and your stories into one, then it is not an autobiography. Is it just a biography without "auto?" Why do you care? With my first book, I first wrote it and then asked my beta-readers how would they characterize it. I don't care what it is technically called -- I just try to write the best story. Then you should once again think about fusing hers and your stories into one. You may start writing the book, then stop and take a look at what you're creating. That may change your perspective -- maybe it would be better to have two separate stories instead: hers and yours? Not so far ago I started writing my second book, then I looked at it and decided to make pretty huge changes. It is often easier to make a decision when you already have something.
