Oh, no. *groan!* I had a joke about Satan, but when I tried telling it, I was told to go to Hell. I had a joke about infirmity, but it makes everybody sick. I had a joke about X, but Elon Musk made a bigger joke out of it -- never mind ...
He can't do that! *taps foot sternly* That name is Copyright to the Diz-Knee Corporation In Perpetuity Throughout the Universe. (All hail the Diz-Knee Corporation, Forever and Ever, Amen).
Q: What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland? A: Are yez alright in the back there, lads.
I always thought he used the fifth century equivalent of a Callaway Paradym Ai Smoke Max D driver and teed off on the coast of Antrim toward Scotland.
I recently heard that dolphins are mammals who evolved to live in the sea. *folds arms sternly* I don't believe in evolution ... ... because it de-feets the porpoise, and it really makes me eel. Oh, cod! (Thanks for falling for that one hook, line, and sinker)
When I hooked my husband, I realized I had a man on the line who not only appreciated my puns but could top them.
We were (and are) pundits of punning. Punkers, even, who never got their punties in a knot over word play.
So there was once a subspecies of dolphin living off the coast of Oregon that were on the verge of going extinct (and since passed on) due to their unusual diet. Most cetaceans feed on fish or krill, but these little guys subsisted solely on a diet of birds. They'd usually go for things like seagulls, which were easy for them to catch when they bobbed in the ocean, but the food that gave them the most nourishment was the good old American Eagle. It seemed that a present to a female by a male of the carcass of a bird was an important part of the mating ritual for the animals, and no bird would make a female more positively disposed to the attention of the males than that of an American Bald Eagle. A single glance at her beau holding one of those magnificent white-headed fowl in his mouth and she was, as they say, DTF. But due to habitat loss, climate change, and all the other usual culprits, the Bald Eagles had moved away from the shoreline and could no longer be seen swooping down to try and snag fish and in turn be occasionally snagged by horny dolphins. The lady dolphins stopped putting out, and the population began to plummet. Bald Eagles are protected birds, so while the local marine biologists wanted to save the endangered sea mammals, it wasn't like they could just take nets or shotguns into the woods and harvest a bunch of America's national birds. However, a local animal shelter heard of the problem and proposed a stopgap solution. They had a number of Bald Eagles in their shelter who were sick, injured, malformed, or otherwise permanently unable to survive on their own in the wild. While the shelter would normally care for them as long as possible, the species itself would suffer no ill from their passing, but the dolphins, on the other hand... Well, the pickup was made. A group of marine biologists stuffed the unwell birds into their van and headed down to the shore where the cetaceans had most recently been spotted. Little did they know that there had been a jailbreak at the Oregon zoo. The unimaginatively named Leo the Lion had slipped out of his enclosure and escaped into the coastal wilds. One of the zookeepers thought that she'd gotten a tranquilizer dart into him as he fled, but he was moving too quickly to be sure and made it out of sight. As the marine biologists headed through the dunes to the beach they encountered Leo lying in front of them, completely blocking the path. However, he as also fast asleep and snoring like only a lion can. After a whispered consult, they took the caged birds and stepped very carefully and quietly over the slumbering beast. At which point Chris Hansen and a bunch of deputies jumped out of the bushes and arrested them for the Mann Act violation of transporting ill eagles across state lions for immoral porpoises. Don't forget to tip your servers, I'll be outta here before somebody slashes my tires in the parking lot. Spoiler: Explanation for non-USians The Mann Act (also known as the White-Slave Traffic Act of 1910) is a federal law that criminalizes the transportation of “any woman or girl for the purpose of prostitution or debauchery, or for any other immoral purpose.” The Mann Act, passed in June 1910 and named after Illinois Congressman James R. Mann, invoked the Commerce Clause to felonize the use of interstate or foreign commerce to transport women for immoral purposes. The Act was aimed at prostitution, immorality, and human trafficking. Congress appointed a commission in 1907 to investigate into the problem of immigrant prostitutes. It was alleged that immigrant women were brought to America for sexual slavery and immigrant men lured American girls into prostitution (or “white slavery”). The committees believed that no girl would enter prostitution unless drugged or held captive. This led to public outrage which eventually resulted in the enactment of the Mann Act. Source: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/mann_act
Ill eagles. Groan! Back when the Berlin wall fell, and it was possible for tourists to visit Germany again, an American couple decided to pack and visit East Germany. They flew into Munich and enjoyed themselves very much, but on the second day, they decided to take a bus and go see Munich. While they were on the bus, a fine mist suddenly came down, and a drizzle started. But the couple couldn't agree what it was: she said rain, and he said snow. Finally, the wife stood up and went to ask the bus driver. "Excuse me," she said. "Uh, sorry - what's your name, sir?" The bus driver, who was obviously not a chatty man, said: "I ist Rudolf." "Oh! Hello Rudolf. How do you like democratic rule?" "Me? Ist not so gut. I miss de old communist days." "Never mind. Are we having snow or rain?" "Ist rain. You Amerikans never see rain? Dummkoft!" Triumphantly, the wife returned to her seat and said: "See? Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
And there's the one about a couple who had to give their newborn twin boys up for adoption, because they couldn't care for them. They lived in Washington, D.C. and, as it turned out, the two families that adopted the boys were diplomats from different countries. But they promised to stay in touch with the birth parents and give progress reports on the boys' lives. One of the families was Lebanese, and named their boy Amahl. The other family was from Spain and named their boy Juan. Years later, the Spanish family sent the birth parents of Juan a picture of him at his first day of school. The birth mother told her husband that it would be nice for the Lebanese couple to give them a photo of the other boy at the same age. But the husband replied, "It isn't necessary. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
I once made up a pun about cats, which had everybody feline fine. However, I then tried to make a pun about horses, which didn't go over so well; and noticing this, one person asked me, "Why the long face?"
