I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll just dive in. My army man was deployed nearly two months ago now, and he wont be back until a TBA time in December, and even then it will only be for four or five days. We said that we should not try to continue things long distance when he left, and I know it difficult for both of us, but it was probably the right decision. I didn't talk to him for a few weeks after that (I was really upset about things with my family, and the fact that he was leaving wasn't helping anything --it felt like I was losing everything I cared about), but things are fine now. Despite the fact that we are decidedly not in a relationship, we talk all the time, and I know he's still stuck on me, as am I on him. Sometimes it feels exactly like things used to be, except we are having conversations on the phone instead of face to face. I cant figure out if he wants me to move on or not though. He had said, when we talked about the future of our relationship, that he didn't want to hold me back when I should be having the time of my life right now, especially because he'll be stuck with this lifestyle for another four years. He is the kind of person who sacrifices his own happiness for others', so I believe this. But that doesn't stop him from getting jealous when photos inevitably pop up on Facebook (of me, usually out and about with male friends; I don't have all that many female friends) or when I tell him about what I'm up to. He always asks if I'm dating anyone or if I've found anyone new. I don't think he'd be upset if I had (which I kind of did, but that fizzled out, as I was still stuck on this guy and the other guy was stuck on his old girlfriend too), but he's a little... possessive. And then even though we are not in a relationship, he tells me all the time how he misses me. He calls me when he's drunk and wants me to keep him company. He texts me before bed. He talks to his brother about me ("all the god damn time!" as his brother puts it). He calls me when something important comes up and wants my advice. He even said a week or so ago that I should come see him over Thanksgiving, drive 10.5 hours or take a flight. He said that he'd pay for it all and take care of me for however long I wanted to stay. Who does that if he isn't in a relationship? Who does that if he wants the girl to move on? I wish he would be clear about what he wants and what he wants from me. I want to sit down and ask him, but I am afraid of being rejected all over again. (I was the one who said that I would be willing to try long distance if he was. He wasn't.) And now there is this new guy. And I know exactly how he feels about me. I have no idea how I feel about him, partly because I've never met someone like this guy before and partly because my heart is still confused with my long distance guy. I need to figure it out... I want to wait and see what happens over Christmas when he comes home. It's not a question of "if." Sparks will fly again. And it would suck, but I want to be with him. But that will mean that I've turned down two perfectly lovely men who in other situations I would have been head over heels for --for the sake of a guy who's not going to be around with any consistency for a long time and who is not clear about what he wants. It's so frustrating.
What I'm about to say might be off the mark, but seeing as he's inviting you down despite the fact you've decided not to have a r/ship - is he hoping for some sort of "friends with benefits" situation? I'm not saying he's necessarily thinking that way in terms of using you or anything, but it does make me wonder if he thinks you guys could have a "part time" thing going on. I can't think why else someone would do all those things and suggest a long trip if he wanted you to move on.
Considering he wants you to visit and he misses and talks about you all the time etc. I'd say the reason he didn't want to be in a long distance relationship is because he didn't want to hold you back. He could, in a way, be trying to be the nice guy. It'd probably hurt more if you were together and it didn't work because of distance and whatnot, then if you were just friends. Of course, that's not going to change how either of you feel though. As for this new guy, I would say it's unfair to pursue a relationship with him. By all means stay friends with him, but since you're not over this long distance guy, it wouldn't be fair to try and get with the new guy. Anyway, that's just my view. Good luck with deciding what to do.
I don't think that was ever quite his intention. All the same, even though I don't think that's what he wants, I kind of felt and feel like that, like I am just a friend he wanted to continue having benefits with or, even worse, as if I am something he can just buy. And he knows I'm not that kind of person. I would be looking up flights right now if we were in a relationship, but we're just not. And I don't want to come down if we're not. That's a lot of money that I don't really have, and I do not want to be his friend with benefits. I cant see why he would do that either; he knows it's not fair to me. I think he just probably feels like I do --what his heart wants is to be with me, but what his mind knows is that he cant, not geographically at least, and so it would be smartest to just stop now before things get all drawn out and messy. Exactly. Even though, like Ash said, it feels like almost a friends-with-benefits thing (without the benefits though, lol, since he's so far away and I'm not making that trip with things the way they are presently), I agree that I think the reason he said no to long distance is because he actually wanted the best for me. That's always hard to wrap my mind around; most guys want what is best for them, but he at least tries to be selfless in all that he does; that's part of why I like him so much. And he is a nice guy. When we were talking about it, we both agreed that we had tried long distance before with other people that didn't work out, and he even said that if we were in a relationship, it would be really hard on him and therefore hard on me to see me with other guys and having fun because he's a bit possessive and jealous. Too bad I still get the jealousy bit even though we aren't in a relationship. So you're right... Just slapping a label on us and calling it quits doesn't change much. I think you're right. I need to figure out what's up with my heart before I try to give any of it away again. After all, I already know how that failed with another guy who I sort-of dated a month ago. When my heart wasn't in it, even though I wasn't hiding anything, I still just felt dishonest somehow. Anyway, I just found out that my army man will be home for four days to celebrate the new year... That's hardly enough time. He's not going to spend it all with me --I don't want him to, and I don't think he would want to either. He needs to see his family and his friends. I don't know. I don't want to wait two more months; these last two have been long enough. Waiting four months just to see him for maybe two or three of the four days, one of which will be celebrating the new year (read: so we wont even be sober) makes me feel so frustrated. I think that I should just suck it up and actively trying to stop being so hung up on him. It probably is for the best. Like I said, he's contractually obligated to live this lifestyle and go wherever the army wants him to go for another four years. If I want to make this work, that's going to just get harder the longer we try to be together. And statistically speaking he probably isn't the one, even though I think he should be right now. So I know it is probably healthiest for me to just try to get over him and move on. ...But I also know that in a few hours my mind may have changed once more, or the next time he calls, I'll be all head over heels again. This kind of sucks.
It's kind of cute and sad how you've been so focused on your work, and now two guys come along at once. Ah, life. Do yourself a favour and stay out of it all, Merc. Both guys, I mean. As for the trip, it can only end badly. Maybe he's just being a bit naive to think that a trip to visit him would do anything but confuse the hell out of both of you. Good intentions sure, but realistically it's just not a good idea. I think you're doing the right thing.
I know! I guess it's one of the "good problems" to have, but it's pretty irritating at the same time. It's always like this. I didn't date anyone during my first fall semester, and then during the spring semester two guys come along at once. I ended up being just friends with one, and the other one and I called things off in early April. Then I didn't see anyone again until August, and over the course of one month, four guys come along. I just wanted to throw my arms up and scream. Mother Nature / Karma / Life has a really funny, but bitchy sense of humor. And yeah... the trip can only end badly. I'm not going to go see him, and I think I need to start slowly eliminating any lingering romance from our relationship. I don't like being in limbo, and I'm sure he feels the same way. And it might be safer and easier for both of us to just be friends while he's gone. To me, he feels like a friend for life, and who knows... I told a close friend about this recently, and she agreed that I should probably end things romantically for now, but then she got all girl-tastic and said that she cant wait for us to be together when we're older, after I'm done with school and he is post-army. :redface: Hah. I have my doubts about a fairy-tale ending, but she's not the first one to have said that. I don't know what's up with this other guy. He had wanted to see me yesterday, but I told him no and whined about my big chemistry exam taking place the next night (which is tonight --gulp! 4 hours and 10 minutes until my doom...). I also felt confused about what to do about him, which I still am. But he said that's okay, we didn't have to go out, and he showed up at my door with coffee and hot chocolate for me instead. I'm not going to lie, that was pretty sweet of him... --And I definitely needed the coffee, still do. Maybe I should just become a nun? I'm not even religious, but it would sure make this stuff easier!
Any of you know that feeling where the only thing that could make your night of eating Mac&Cheese while watching Futurama in a cold room with a storm outside is a girl to cuddle with?
Boys are slow, and confusing, and I hate trying to figure them out Basically I really really like this guy I'm friends with, and I think/hope he likes me too. After a couple weeks of talking and talking about hanging out we finally did about a week and a half ago. We just watched a movie at my house and it was really great because I rested my head on his shoulder and we held hands and he put his arm around me and we ended up cuddling for most of the movie and then a couple tv shows after. Neither of us wanted him to leave and he only left because my dad told him he had to go and even then he lingered at the door and hugged me a couple times and held my hand for a few seconds and after he did leave he texted me to ask if I had fun. When he was leaving he said we should watch another movie which I was readily ok with and a few days later i brought it up again but he was at work and couldnt talk which was fine. But we went a few days after that without talking at all and finally I puleld together enough courage to ask if he wanted to see this other movie with me and he said yes but he's incredibly busy right now and listed off why (which made me feel better about him not talking to me) and that he'll tell me when he's free, but in the meantime he'd see me this weekend (we see each other every saturday). The thing is when i've seen him that last couple saturdays i've talked to him a pretty normal amount and nothing major has happened (which makes sense given where we are) and yet he doesn't act at all like anything even slightly different which isn't quite bad, but i'd kind of like him to acknowledge it or something I guess. And thn when we do text or so on it isn't for very long which is normal for him but he hasn't been contacting me first and we haven't talked as much recently. I know he has his hands full right now and that he can't necessarily talk all the time which really is ok with me but sometimes it seems like he does like me-he goes out of his way to give me ways of talking to him or saying that he does want to hang out-but then he acts not indifferent, but like nothing is happening and it's confusing me. I feel like this situation is very straightforward and yet I'm kind of losing my mind. Any advice? Am I reading to much into things one way or another? Any guy advice in general? (Oh and in case anyone is interested, yes this is the same guy i posted about a few weeks ago)
Hey M&M, he sounds busy, and maybe if he thinks that you aren't as interested as he was (by not texting him first or instigating conversation about what happened or even to make it happen again) and maybe he just doesn't want to spend time on something that he thinks might not happen. Let him know you like him, but also that you know he's busy. And if he wanted to take you out for dinner some night or come over and you'd cook, that'd be cool with you.
Right. Question. There's this girl. I've known her for years. She goes to the same church as me, although I haven't spoken to her much because I think I've been to church about six times in as many years (twice in the last fortnight, though - I'm making a concious effort to be more involved). Last night it was the carol service and we got talking. It's clear she's mature, intelligent and that I would really like to ask her out. The problem is that she's 18. She's not yet finished her A-levels, and I've been through four years of uni. I turn 23 before she turns 19. Me being me, I'm overthinking, but would it be socially acceptable for me to ask her out, or would I be better served waiting a while?
Right. Question. There's this girl. I've known her for years. She goes to the same church as me, although I haven't spoken to her much because I think I've been to church about six times in as many years (twice in the last fortnight, though - I'm making a concious effort to be more involved). Last night it was the carol service and we got talking. It's clear she's mature, intelligent and that I would really like to ask her out. The problem is that she's 18. She's not yet finished her A-levels, and I've been through four years of uni. I turn 23 before she turns 19. Me being me, I'm overthinking, but would it be socially acceptable for me to ask her out, or would I be better served waiting a while?
I will leave any religious jokes aside and say that, legually, anyone above fourteen is fair game here in canada, and above eighteen, pretty much everywhere is safe and you're not that much older than her, it's a quite normal age difference in today's relationships. Girls prefer older guys, guys... Well, I prefer older girls but they want nothing to do with me so I don't get to be picky, that's today's society. So, go for it.
That's only a 4/5 year age difference, and considering both of your ages, that's fine. I've known people at my school when they were like 16 and they were dating guys in their early 20s so I don't think you have anything to worry about. So yeah, I'd say go for it. Good luck.
Legally she if fair game. 19 to 23 is sort of an eahh thing. In reality it’s not that much percentage of life difference. However having had a similar age split with a girlfriend once I can say this, you will be open to a few jokes. If you sitting up on night shift and she calls before going to school in the morning, you will hear about it from you mates for the rest of the shift. Also in the USA the you ordering a drink and she cant thing gets funny, though it does mean you don’t have to drive home.
When next I see her, I think I shall be asking. Right, what's the going rate for a good Italian meal these days? Been ages since I went on a proper, pre-meditated date.
The accepted formula is half your age + seven years. An unspoken law, frankly. You just sneak in: go for it; it's absolutely fine etc etc Were she a year younger, well, it would be obscene and an outrage etc etc
Well, when I next see her I'll be asking. Problem being that I won't see her for about three weeks. Buggeration. Thanks to the little old dears at church I didn't even get her number (but do have her on Facebook). Given my impatience, not asking her on Facebook is going to be a bloody ordeal. Update: Impatience is the bane of my life. Grown men do not act like this. Gragh, that's any chance I had blown thanks to being an idiot. Update II: Or not. We're going out next week. In celebration, I played the Superman theme.
Dude, I wouldn't stress on it. It sounds like he's the one being shy in this situation, but if he was down to cuddle then I'd say he's interested. Having formerly been a young lad who was afraid to show his feelings to a girl due to my fears of being rejected, I can say it sounds similar to my earlier relationships. Though I don't know the guy, but he sounds like he's a nice fellow. Though his not talking to you and avoiding the subject of watching a movie sounds a bit iffy. He's either scared or unsure if he should follow through. Leave it to him to make the first move, whether its asking you out on a date or a kiss. If you have to initiate anything, it's not going to last. If it gets to the point where you're just waiting around on him, then it's not worth the time. There are plenty of dudes out there, just make sure they're worth it.
Happy story time. Three months ago I was on an Explorer scout camp, no leaders, just a small fun thing. There was only 9 of us. Anyway, 5 of us decided to stay up quite late and we only had two tents up, so being clever, five all squeezed into a three man tent. Very cosy to say the least. So the girl who I posted about four months ago were in one corner, then some others including her sister. Me and her were cuddled up most of the night, while everyone was asleep, she kissed me on the cheek. I decided either she thought I was gay, I was really friendzoned, or she wanted to be a bit more so I kissed her. She didn't kiss me back. She kissed me mouth XD sorry, little Doctor Who reference there. So we've been going out for three months and I'm loving it. Guys and Girls, take a chance and go for it. I did and not regretted it.
Okay. This is difficult and out of character for me. Naturally, I would not talk about my social life, because I really don't have much of one. Also, my parents are my normal go-to for advice on stuff like this, but neither of them said anything really helpful this time around... I work with a lot of people around my office, and fortunately do not have to speak with any of them terribly often. Yesterday, one of my male co-workers said something to me, and I just only realized the possible intent behind it today. The problem is that yesterday, I responded in a way that may have seemed as though I was completely blowing him off, which is not what I want to do at all. I may have hurt his feelings. He's actually one of the few people in the office that I can comfortably give more than 2-3 word responses to, and he's quite attractive. He has the sexiest eyebrows I've ever seen on a man. Anyway. We were heading out to the parking lot, and I was behind him. He waited and held the door open for me, and then said, "You were stuck later than usual, are you hungry? There's good Mexican not far from here." I didn't at the time realize that he may have meant that we go there and eat together. Thusly, my response was, "No, I'm good, thanks." and I proceeded to walk off, get in my car, and leave. I am horrible at reading facial expressions and body language, but I recall that he frowned. And his brows were furrowed. I do not know what this means. What is the best method to mend this situation???
^ Well, do you want to go out with him? Or are you not interested in going out w/ him, but just don't want to come across as rude? If you want to go out with him, just approach him and be like "Hey, want to grab something at Subway during lunch break?" Something really casual to start with is best -- you don't want to come across as one of those people who tries to make things serious too early. And about the seeming cold stuff, tell him what you just told us here. This way you'll reassure him that you aren't one of those annoying cat-and-mouse people who likes to act passive aggressive and play games. If you're not into him but just worried about seeming cold, just say something like "Hey, sorry if I was abrupt the other day, I was just thinking about something I was working on." This way, he knows you don't hate him or anything. And if he asks you out, just give him a really kind "You're a great guy, but I'd like to be friends."
munkyphile: If you find it difficult to talk to people properly (like I do) which is suggested from your post, then I'm afraid to say it but I think you're just going to have to be brave and approach him. Maybe tell him you didn't mean to come across rude and then ask him out for lunch/dinner/whatever? Although, if you have his email/number then you could text/email him or even write a little note to put on his desk, if that's easier for you, what you've just posted on here so he can understand how you are if you really like the guy. I think the main thing is to show you are actually interested in him somehow. (This is all assuming you do actually like him...)
Thank you both for the advice. I do like him quite a lot. He's cute. He doesn't seem to care at all that I stutter when I talk to him; he's patient with it and doesn't try to finish my sentences for me like other people do. I just worry that I've done irreparable damage. I'll go in and explain on Monday, I just hope that he understands.
