Hello. I have been trying to come up with a way to describe the time difference between two countries. David is in the Sand Diego and Jane is in Italy. I was practicing with something like this: David received an email. It was from Jane in Italy. The midday sun was shining bright in Italy, whereas it was lifting itself above the Laguna Mountains around San Diego. But I know this is no good. Got any ideas?
I do not think it is bad, it is just that in the beginning it is a little choppy, at least for how I form sentences. If you improve that a bit, and add a little definition to the third sentence, it clarifies things. By that I mean, the word "around" where you say, "around San Diego." I am not nit-picking here, it just confused me as a reader. "Around? What do you mean by around San Diego? Either the sun is up in San Diego, or its not, but it cannot be around San Diego." That is what I mean by clarifying what you wrote. Here is how I would fix it, but I admit it is a bit on the wordy side. I also made the assumption that they had just met, which I conveyed, without telling. If that does not work in your story, you can just change things. You also could certainly reduce the word count if you wished. David slowly bit into his lower lip, then his face curled into a broad grin as the new email icon showed up on his computer. However, upon opening up the browser, he saw that it was from Jane. "Jane", he said to himself, just above a whisper, but excitement in his voice. 'Whatever could she be doing at the noon day hour in Italy? She is supposed to be at work', he continued, but this time in thought? A sly smile overcame him as he realized the situation, 'she was supposed to be', he continued, knowing she was breaking her work-rules, and thus emailing him. 'Interesting. Very interesting', his thoughts gathered, even as the eastern sky over the Laguna Mountains was just starting to glow in crimson red.
The computer chimed its email notice. It was from Jane in Italy. She must have just sat down at her favorite café for lunch. David's face was still wrinkled from the bed pillow, the coffee only just dripping into the pot. The computer chimed its email notice as David sat to a cup of morning coffee. Jane, unfettered and alive in Italy (to quote Joni Mitchell) knew him like the back of her hand. Her lunch, his breakfast, separated by an ocean, two continents, and a keystroke.
