1. frigocc

    frigocc Contributor Contributor

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    Critique On My Dialogue/How To Make It Less Boring?

    Discussion in 'Dialogue Development' started by frigocc, Jan 10, 2020.

    I can't seem to make dialogue and action more interesting and descriptive! Emphasis on the latter. It just seems flat and without real character. I can write humor asides and some funny backstory, but I just can't seem to write actions/dialogue well. I mean, how often can characters sigh, trudge, or anything else like that? Here's an example of some of the flat dialogue:

    “Staci Gibbons,” Klurb’s boss said from across his desk. “What’s the status of her soul?”


    “Currently in limbo, sir. Well, uh, not actual Limbo, but the, uh, figurative limbo . . . sir.”


    There was something to be said about a soul that had gone to Limbo. Unfortunately, no one knew what it was, since souls in Limbo tended to stay in Limbo, and communicating with them from the outside was quite a hassle.


    “Any leads?”


    Klurb shook his head awkwardly. “None that have lead to her discovery, sir.”


    “Okay,” he said. “Let me know when you’ve closed in on her.”


    “Will do, sir. Uh, thank you.”


    Klurb gave a half-effort smile, before standing up and leaving the galaxy in an inexplicable manner. He reappeared a moment later on Andraxal-7, a large, burgeoning planet which souls often traveled to during their gap year — or years — before the afterlife.


    He often wondered why they called it the afterlife in the first place. Being able to think and feel was living, in his mind. What arbitrary traits were considered when referring to the afterlife as after life? After all, you could presumably do everything you do now, and more, in the afterlife.


    “Hey! Get the hell out of the way!”


    Klurb turned around quickly, only to see an angry cab driver waving his hand violently and saying some unspeakable things towards him, including:


    “Ram damn orifice-breather! Go back to where you came from! Nobody wants you here!”


    Klurb got the message — sort of. He chuckled nervously, and jogged over to the sidewalk, making sure to avoid the other oncoming traffic along the way.


    “Oh dear,” he mumbled to himself. “These things never seem to work properly.”


    By “these things,” Klurbel, of course, meant the very same these things that hated to be referred to as these things. Instead, they preferred their given name: teleportation watch thingys. And by “never seem to work properly,” Klurbel meant that they worked exactly as intended, which wasn’t very well.

    There's just something . . . wrong with my action/dialogue, and I can't figure it out. This worries me a lot, since, if I can't fix the problems in my book, there's no way I'll ever be published. What can I do to make it, I dunno, better?

    Here's another example of where it falls flat:

    “Well, this is quite the predicament,” Lou complained, like most complainers did.


    Garth gave a death stare to Lou, the pure intensity of which stirred up repressed memories of buzzing bees and screaming Xanathians. “At least you’re only in the company of one absolute moron.”


    “Wait a minute,” said Lou. “I almost forgot. You’re just a janitor! Where do you get off calling me a moron?”


    Garth scoffed. “It’s only temporary.”


    “Yeah. Sure,” said Lou.


    In that moment, a small shadow cast itself in the doorway, which still ought to be named something else, like non-door orifice, clearly-not-a-doorway way, or empty space through which people walk. It was the jailer, small stature and all.


    “What are you lot babbling on about?” he howled. “This was once a library, you know! Keep it down!”


    The prisoners all went quiet — well, besides Gognod, who was in the corner playing rock-paper-scissors with himself, never thinking to use the scissors to cut the unprocessed paper holding his fingers together and preventing him from selecting rock for either player. “Paper! Paper. No! No win, no lose,” he mumbled.


    “Quiet, creature!” the jailer demanded.


    This made him feel powerful.


    Garth rose to his feet. “Excuse me, sir.”


    The jailer ran up to Garth and waved his nightstick in Garth’s face. “Quiet!”


    “Now listen here, you scum!” said the jailer. “The city would like to offer you lot plea deals.”


    “Plea deals?” said Lou. “But we’ve done nothing wrong!”


    “Silence! I’m in charge here!” He paused for dramatic effect. “The deal is, if you lot plead guilty right here and now, we’re prepared to carry out your sentences immediately.”


    “What would be the sentence?” asked Lou.


    “Death via Trendelbeast!”


    Lou grimaced. “Oh, um, okay. And if we plead not guilty?”


    “Don’t be a petulant whiner! Accept the consequences of your actions!”


    “What actions?” said Lou. “I still have no idea what we’ve actually done!”


    “Exactly!” said the jailer.


    Garth sneezed. “But what if we do plead not guilty?”


    “Well, then, obviously there would be a trial,” the jailer said, confused at the odd question. “But nobody wants that.”


    “I, for one, would,” said Lou.


    Garth nodded. “I concur.”


    “. . . and you, creature?”


    “Gognod,” said Gognod, presumably meaning he wanted a trial as well.


    The jailer let out a deep sigh and rolled his eyes. “Ugh, fine. Come with me, then.”
     
  2. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    I see a couple of things contributing. Probably the big one, that I think is causing the other, is the style of comedy you're writing. It feels like a Terry Pratchett style. The way that kind of comedy is set up, at least the way you're approaching it here (I don't think it HAS to be this way), tends to put the action at a remove. As if what makes it funny is that they're prattling on endlessly in these inane sentences in a situation that should demand action or at least some stronger dialogue. That's kind of what Monty Python used to do as well, but their dialogue was usually pretty powerful and almost violent at times.

    Ok, on to the nitty gritty.

    “Any leads?”

    Klurb shook his head awkwardly. “None that have lead to her discovery, sir.”

    “Okay,” he said. “Let me know when you’ve closed in on her.”
    "None that have led to her discovery sir" is very weak and also it's at a remove. Now I think the character is supposed to sound like a bumbling junior officer afraid of his boss, but I'll look at it as if that isn't the case, just to give an example of how to add some zap and zing.

    It's at a remove because you used past perfect tense. You know, "has done, have done, would have been" etc. All those haves and has's kill all the impact. Assuming you wanted this sentence to be more powerful, it could be "Nothing yet". But as I said, yours probably fits the character better. For this reason, I think your choice of character sets you up for weak dialogue and action from the start.

    However, you could contrast his inaction and fumbling awkwardness against the boss' violent temper and readiness to take action at any moment. Better yet, link action with words.

    Rather than “Let me know when you’ve closed in on her” it could be:

    (Boss' name) glowered across the desk and leaned forward until his fierce eyes filled Klarg's field of vision.

    "Well, why are you just sitting there, simpleton?! I want it on my desk by noon or you'll be cast into a pit of boiling Spurgle-jelly for eternity!"

    Klarg swallowed and adjusted his collar.
    By adding Klarg's reaction after the boss' violent threat, you cue the reader to what he's feeling, without having to tell them. It's much stronger to show through action rather than to explain in narration. Narration itself is at a remove already, because it's thought rather than action.

    Another thing weakening it is the interaction between the characters. The boss seems just as weak and wishy-washy as Klurg. If you want some tension they need to be in opposition against each other. The more fierce the opposition the more tension you get.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2020
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  3. frigocc

    frigocc Contributor Contributor

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    I've heard other mention Pratchett, and honestly, never really read more than a few paragraphs from him. I have The Colour of Magic, and Going Postal, and it just doesn't do it for me. Perhaps I need to look at his later work. I love Good Omens, I just don't know if it was more Gaiman or Pratchett there.

    As for Monty Python, love it. My favorite sketch was the argument one. "Yes it is!" "No it isn't!" Hmm.


    That's actually very helpful advice, thank you! I mean, Klurb just started as a little side story, an aside I threw in with no intention of ever bringing him up again. But now, it's a full-blown side story, and I want him to have depth. By upping the stakes a little bit (I think I've figured out a good way how), it makes it far more interesting.

    Now, he's not so much bumbling as he is quiet and awkward. I kinda had someone like Newt Scimander (spelling?) in mind. I just think that sort of archetype fits the character I'm going for in that side plot.

    Anyways, here's a small portion of it, rewritten:

    “Any leads?”


    Klurb shook his head awkwardly. “None yet, sir.”


    “Why are you just sitting there, then?” he shouted, slamming his fist on the desk. “Find the soul now, or we will dispose of you!”


    “That’s a rather, um, harsh way of saying fired, don’t you think?”


    “Now!”


    “Y–yes, sir.”
     
  4. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    That's much better.

    Sorry, I called him Klurg! My bad. I don't know who Newt Scimander is. And I've only read a little Pratchett, I don't remember what the book was called. I think what you're writing (that I described as a Pratchett style) is a very English kind of humor––people sipping tea and exchanging pleasantries in a situation where they should be angry.

    Another thing I thought of–Klurb could normally be a very glum and depressive fellow (sort of how he seems to me) but maybe this boss is so ill-tempered and keeps threatening his job so much that he becomes afflicted with nervous twitches, maybe heart palpitations or some other health-threatening conditions. This shows the effect of the tension he's under. Just a suggestion, I have no idea if it fits in your story world or not.
     
  5. frigocc

    frigocc Contributor Contributor

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    No problem, you're only human. Now, imagine all the possible alien names, and see how hard their plight is trying to remember them all. Names are something I don't put too much thought into, honestly. For example, one throw-away character is named Prime Mordial First Last. May change that one. Another is unnamed. Then, I have Oorwald Bruudriks and Oorvald Bruudriks (no relation). Can't forget about Jack Johnson, Johnson, Johnson, Feldman, & Associates LLC. He's quite the character.

    Main character from Fantastic Beasts by JK Rowling.

    Yes, certainly very British-y humor. Hell, my biggest inspirations are Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), Monty Python, and A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
     

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